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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

93 replies

goldencuttains · 08/12/2019 08:21

Bizarre conversation with man last evening.He's not really interested in sex and says it's over rated yet he wants to pursue a romantic relationship.Cut and run?

OP posts:
ikeakia · 08/12/2019 08:23

Sex is often overrated. Where’s the problem in him stating that?

What’s sent your spidey senses tingling?

Original poster
goldencuttains · 08/12/2019 08:33

That it is is new relationship and he is not interested in sex, but likes kissing and cuddling only.i have nt met a man with this attitude to sex before.

OP posts:
relax2 · 08/12/2019 08:38

He's possibly trying to be different to other men knowing what they usually want is sex but still take it slow

666onmyhead · 08/12/2019 08:40

Some weird version of negging to get sex ?

afterme · 08/12/2019 08:41

Your op says he is really interested in sex but you mean he’s not?

According to many threads on here, it’s quite common and if he’s told you upfront at least you know where you are.

NotStayingIn · 08/12/2019 08:42

If we assume he is being honest about his sex drive then surely the question is whether that’s compatible with your sex drive. If yes happy days, if no you’ve been warned.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/12/2019 08:43

Or he's got a weird knob Hmm

Original poster
goldencuttains · 08/12/2019 08:45

He really genuinely doesn't want sex and even though we have had sex he is specific about when, where and how. I get the feeling that he tries to avoid it as much as he can.
He is honest about it and rarely our hugging can lead to sex but after hours of kissing and hugging.I know that he really
Likes me as a person and he says he thinks I am attractive and compliments me.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 08/12/2019 08:48

If he tells you who he is...

#Notallmen have higher sex drives than all women.

I tend to think of "red flag" as meaning a warning sign that someone is a potential/actual abuser, so I wouldn't say this is one. However, if sex is important to you, he's letting you know early on that this may not work out. And if it's not, then it might.

Original poster
goldencuttains · 08/12/2019 08:52

I have a much higher sex drive but I like him so much, I think I may sacrifice that part of me for a time to see where it goes. Can sexual incompatibility work?

OP posts:
Gardai · 08/12/2019 08:54

What age is he ?

666onmyhead · 08/12/2019 08:55

Nope

rookiemere · 08/12/2019 08:57

I would walk away if I were you. If you weren't that into sex either it could be a perfect relationship, but at this stage - particularly as you've already done the deed - being sex avoidant doesn't bode well for the long term.

Crystal87 · 08/12/2019 08:57

If you enjoy sex and want it regularly I'd end it now.

PositiveVibez · 08/12/2019 09:00

Not a red flag. He is being very honest, which is a good thing. But you can't stay with him then resent him down the line when you aren't having regular sex. He has told you and shown you what he is. It is up to you now what you want to do.

Chocoholic1972 · 08/12/2019 09:03

Maybe he has experienced some trauma or other difficulty which he can't talk about but may do in time?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 09:09

Sexual incompapitibility leads to misery. No one should 'sacrifice' major parts of themelves to be in a relationship.

Original poster
goldencuttains · 08/12/2019 09:18

He is 35.He hasn't had a long term
Relationship before.
It does frustrate me and I've asked if it is a medical issue. He doesn't think it is and hasn't investigated it.there are little things that make me wonder if there has been trauma. The way in which he is insistent on the timing of our intimacy, he only engages in one position and the whole experience is calculated.He does not get aroused for hours and sometimes not at all.
He absolutely hates makeup, dyed hair, comments on women's lack of clothes when
We are out.I can't put my finger on it but I think I'm missing something.

OP posts:
afterme · 08/12/2019 09:20

Well the comments re women are worrying and I would run a mile based on that.

Autumntoowet · 08/12/2019 09:22

Run now. Trust me.
Two people can be both great but if they don’t have the same sex drive or interest it will cause problems down the line

Crystal87 · 08/12/2019 09:24

The fact he's 35 and not had a relationship that lasted at least a couple of years must have a reason behind it. I think he's asexual but wants a relationship for the company. There will be someone out there for him but it's probably not you.

undercoveraessedai · 08/12/2019 09:26

Could he be asexual?

BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler · 08/12/2019 09:26

Ok you are giving us the red flags now. I think you already know the answer. Sorry

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 09:31

Yes, with your last update now we see the red flags.

brighteyeowl17 · 08/12/2019 09:32

If someone said they were not interested in sex because I have had so many dodgy dates I would immediately turn it round and assume he was saying that so you thought he was nice and give him sex then he can leave and say that wasn’t what he wanted...

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