Is this a red flag?

[goldencuttains]

Bizarre conversation with man last evening.He's not really interested in sex and says it's over rated yet he wants to pursue a romantic relationship.Cut and run?

The more I've read the more I've thought Norman Bates.
I'm not for a moment suggesting he's a killer but his relationships with his mum and what he says about "slutty" women are 2 extremes.

Why are you agonising over this and trying to analyse it?
There's loads of men out there...so what if hes nice sometimes or has some good points. You're not obligated to go out with anyone regardless of what positive attributes they may have. Nor do you have to have a reason for not dating him. No reason is fine.

He has passed comments about women looking slutty before based on their hair, make up,low cut tops but yet will say he enjoys breasts( just not mine obviously ) and admires many females bodies.
He is in awe of his mother like she is a queen and many women in his circle.
Sometimes it feels like he is moulding
Me to be what he wants me to be and I am
Doing it without even realising.

Run, run a mile.

This man has very warped thinking on women. Definitely Madonna/ whore complex - look it up.

He'll treat you well while he thinks you're a Madonna. Once he's decided you're actually that other kind of women (which he will eventually) he'll treat you like dirt on his shoe. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's capable of violence to women he sees as "sluts"

He can't handle the idea that women might be sexually confident and fulfilled without seeing us as sluts.

This man is deeply twisted and is already exerting subtle pressure on you to control you, which you are responding to by changing the way you dress.

This relationship is dangerous to you, please stop trying to work him out - definitely don't consider any ideas of fixing him. Protect yourself and leave - please!

Not wanting to have sex isn’t a red flag in and of itself, but your updates certainly show him as being full of abusive traits. The Madonna-whore complex is real, google it.

What about any of this would be good enough to “sacrifice” a part of yourself? The fact that he’s never had a relationship and worships his mum is a red flag. The fact that he thinks he has ANY business calling any woman a slut, is terrifying, and the fact that he only talks about himself makes him either a massive bore (which is bad enough), or a narcissist.

The control around you and what you do and how you have sex, is the biggest red flag ever. Would you really accept that going forward, just to be with him? He sounds like he had no redeeming features, so why are you even giving him the time of day?

You say you’ve had some bad relationships in the past, I have to say you’ve jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire here. You need counselling, and I mean that very kindly. You need support to understand how and why you’ve got this far with a misogynist, and why you were willing to bury an important part of yourself to sustain a relationship with a vile pig.

Obviously everyone on this thread will help you as much as possible, but I think you need real life and qualified support to untangle all of this.

In the meantime, please dump this creep.

Also google ‘incels’

He is giving me incel vibes. Like he’s been involuntarily celibate for so long that he now can’t/won’t have sex as it’s gone too far for him or something. Either way, don’t hang around to fix a man with this amount of extremely complex issues.

Oh no...no, no, no. That sounds really horrible. You've had sex with someone who doesn't actually like sex?? Please get away from him as soon as you can.

Ok, in that case OP, massive well done for spotting this and posting on here. Your gut instinct has been trying to tell you something. Listen to it and let it look after you. Please please just get rid. You sound like you KNOW this is the right course of action for you.

Agree on the incel comment- it all sounds repulsive and toxic. This is the last thing you need. However, as has been said, do stop investing your time in being armchair psychiatrist for this man and trying to "fill in the gaps" or work him out. It matters not. His shit, his problem. There's a REASON he hasn't had a long term relationship at 35, but you DONT need to stick around to find out what it is.

Please invest in your self now. Build you self worth, get some therapy so that you can work on your own sense of self and value. Look after yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Gove yourself a nice boost, do some stuff just for you. Have a break from relationships until after you've done this work.

*Give not gove

He is charming and funny. Clever and warm and is very sociable and outgoing.That is why I fell for him.He did not put pressure on me to have sexual which was the opposite of my previous relationship.he was honest about sex meaning little to him.When he says that sex is overrated and I disagreed,he does not like that. I once said that I thought it was very important to me and I felt that he didn't like that.
He has often cancelled on me last minute and does all the arranging of dates. I never thought about the meaning of this until now. I think he may like to be in control of every area of his lifeIt seems like he does not want to lose control. I know I am analysing it. I need to make sure I am doing the right thing by dumping him before I get in too deeply. I am regularly treated like dirt by men.

I need to make sure I am doing the right thing by dumping him

Just dump him FFS

In my single days I rejected and dumped many perfectly nice normal men who had no red flags...just because I wanted to.

You don't need to justify yourself or provide a suitably valid reason.

Agree with @formerbabe he has a Madonna/whore complex

Run like the wind

How does a Madonna / whore complex work out in a relationship ultimately ? Is the female expected to fulfil a Madonna role? It's twisted to me.I don't really understand it tbh

He is in awe of his mother like she is a queen and many women in his circle.

There it is...Madonna/Whore complex. Absolutely classic presentation.

Run, OP. He'll make your life a living misery.

It's twisted to me

Correct.

So the sex thing in your OP was a bit of a red herring when looking at the bigger picture.

Fucking run!! Calls women slutty for wearing what they want. You find yourself altering your behaviour to appease him.

This is a road to hell.

Not all men have higher sex drives. If you have a high sex drive and he doesn't this can be an issue long term. Also its a it worrying he's calling all the shots on your sex life.

He'll only have sex with women he isn't that fond of. If he becomes fond of you, he won't want to have sex with you. You will be celibate. If the relationship breaks down, you are back to whore, but without the sex i.e. he will hate you. If you have children and attempt to leave, there is a good chance he will attempt to us the family court to remove them from you as he will believe you to be a truly "bad" person.

To be clear, he hates all women, but most particularly those not in active service to his needs.

There is no happy future in this.

It's not a red flag.
Quite the reverse: the man is being honest with you.
He has a low sex drive.
If you do not, then a romantic relationship with him is unlikely to make either of you happy, & you should simply stay friends.
If you do ... what's the problem?

And well done for recognising the red flags so early.

He has often cancelled on me last minute and does all the arranging of dates

He is contolling every aspect of this 'relationship'. He's just a common or garden controlling arse.

Bright red .

With red flashing lights.

Jesus @goldencuttains just read all updates (sorry I'm poorly and brain is knackered) these are red flags. He sounds controlling and you sound mis matched not just on sex. I'm so sorry you've had bad / abusive relationships. It sounds like you're aware of your boundaries but still doubting yourself.

I think men can say they love women but only if they are a certain thing. So can still be deeply misogynistic.

You deserve better

Some people at are not interested in sex I don’t think that is unusual at all but him commenting on women’s lack of clothing etc is the red flag.

Well the comments re women are worrying
FFS.
He does not like overdone makeup, artifice or revealing clothing
Neither do I. Are you worried about me as well now, @afterme?

I worry FAR more about men who leer at underdressed women, women who makeup or botox themselves into pouty identikit Barbie dolls, & men who get off on violent, soulless porn.

Can you actually articulate what you find worrying about a bloke who prefers the natural look & a woman who doesn't flash her body, or have you inadvertently absorbed some toxic masculinity here?