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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Primary schools - will I be the only one?

102 replies

winterwhite · 08/12/2019 07:20

DC1 is due to start school next year.

Local primary doesn’t offer any wrap around care so we will need to enlist the help of a childminder. However, this means my contact with the school will be very minimal. I won’t be there for morning or end of day pick ups.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this? I’m concerned that I won’t be part of her life as much, that play dates won’t be arranged and I won’t know the other mums or be able to speak to her teacher.

OP posts:
Footymum81 · 08/12/2019 09:21

I was in a similar situation when DD was small and we had a home-school book, where we could write notes if anything happened at home that might impact her at school. Things like a disturbed night, family issues etc, the teacher could also note if anything happened at school. It just lived in her book bag and was checked daily by both of us.

WishThisWasGin · 08/12/2019 09:26

Honestly you wont miss out. My kids had a Nanny or aupair picking up until this year when I went part time.

When is your dd birthday? My Eldest was in November so I held a whole class party and asked everyone who replied if they also wanted to be in a WhatsApp group. They shared it with the other parents and its brilliant for checking what homework is due, non uniform reminders and even sharing bits of local info (Ie Scouts have now got spaces)

My eldest is now year 4 and the younger ones year 2. I went pt through guilt. It made not a jot of difference to them. They still have the same friends, we don't do after school playdates, as they are exhausting.

My main source of info is still the WhatsApp group.

I know it feels like the other parents are going to be there everyday, but the teachers themselves have exactly the same problem.

Mintychoc1 · 08/12/2019 09:30

flaskfan you do know that it’s possible to be ill without vomiting don’t you?

Londongirl86 · 08/12/2019 09:30

You will be far from the only one. In fact there's few of us mums there at the school morning and afternoon. There is however one Grandma who does every single one and takes a toddler with her too. Never seem that child's mum. There are at least five grandparents that do the afternoon pick up out of 18 kids. Then there are a few kids who have a variety of mum and dad, grandma and grandad. So it really is a mixture.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/12/2019 09:34

It'll be fine. She'll have people to play with every school night. If there is a class what's app group make sure you join that and be active in inviting people to play dates at the weekend.

Tumbleweed101 · 08/12/2019 09:38

My children use school buses so I rarely do drop off/pick up. The school call or email everything I need to know and I make sure I attend parent evenings etc. It works out fine.

Parker231 · 08/12/2019 09:38

I can count on one hand the number of times DH and I collected them from school. We used breakfast and after school club and dropped off and collected from there. The majority of their friends did the same. No lack of friends or play dates.

dietcokemum · 08/12/2019 09:39

She won't be the only one, but it's a bit rubbish for you. If you're a teacher, could you negotiate to move your PPA time (is that the right term?) around so you can pick up one day a week?

Milkywayfan · 08/12/2019 09:40

Am in very similar situation - only nanny in school! It isn’t easy and we have been very lucky in that other parents have always been very friendly and understanding and to me and nanny. So for parental stuff

  • whole class party in reception is great idea
  • birthday parties are your friend - go, stay and talk to everyone (and at some point in the year mention you are a teacher :-) people get teachers are teaching on the whole)
  • what’s app group
  • and in most classes there is usually a mum or two who knows all what is going on, knows everyone and is nice (try over time to work out who they are and be nice to them)
  • also if you are a teacher do you have time off in hols - if so that is a good time for play dates and to get to know people etc

As for the school I would just see how it goes and work out how to connect with them eg whether they use email. A good school will if you are sensible find a way to make it work.
Good luck !

LeoAugust13 · 08/12/2019 09:41

Can’t believe I’m gonna suggest this but why not set up a WhatsApp group? Be careful what and how much you post tho, we have one for my kids class but to be honest I have it on mute as it’s just annoying. It will be useful for the odd occasion of info and setting up play dates. It you monitor it well then it will be fantastic for you.

The one we have is really ridiculous as mums post very personal things unrelated to school and it gets a bit awkward as I don’t know whose posting what as I only know names not faces! So awkward on school run. There’s also fights on the WhatsApp group so I just mute it and never post anything. I think I’ve maybe posted once asking about the homework.

auntyquated · 08/12/2019 09:46

winterwhite
Some schools do allow teachers time off for assemblies, performances etc. It's worth asking.
You also have the right to request flexible working if you have worked there for at least 26 weeks. This includes part-time, compressed hours etc. But can also include things like the equivalent of one day per term to attend such events; schools are more likely to agree to late starts/early finishes than full days off.
Can you request that your 'free' lessons are at the beginning/end of the day and PPP similar?

TabbyMumz · 08/12/2019 09:47

I did this with mine over a period of about 10 years. It was fine. I saw teachers when I took the odd day off, school plays, parents evenings, sports days.it was fine. They didnt need play dates asctheh played with the other kids st the childminders. They were happy, didnt miss out on anything and neither did I.

dubmumof2 · 08/12/2019 09:49

You've got some really useful tips on keeping up on what's happening at school here OP so I'll just add that perhaps your childminder will do playdates - ours did and it was great. She was picking up from school so she knew the parents and which kids the DC were friendly with so she facilitated. Depends on how many kids she will have. One thing, I obviously paid her even when my DC were at others houses for playdates on their own when they got older - she was having their friends over to hers on other days...

iolaus · 08/12/2019 10:21

Quite a lot of the kids at my kids primary school come on the bus - so none of their parents ever see the teachers before/after school

doritosdip · 08/12/2019 10:22

If you work in a secondary school then doing play dates on Saturdays and half-terms could work for you. It's possible that your school and your dd's one will have different INSET days that could be used too.

dontmentionbookclub · 08/12/2019 10:51

@winterwhite I was exactly the same as you and you can't help feeling some guilt, I know. Don't let it spoil anything though - you just need to be there for them all the rest of the time and make the most of that. We all just do the very best we can at the time, so don't feel guilt as it's a waste of emotion and brain space. The best advice anyone gave to me in this situation was not to feel guilty and to stay motivated! Enjoy your job and enjoy your dc.

Hatscarfandgloves · 08/12/2019 10:58

You won't be the only one.
Our primary school was tiny and had no wrap around care.
About 50% of the children had one SAHP and another 20% had a parent working locally who could drop off or collect. The rest had childminders.
It will be fine. Maybe make an effort to go to any evening events so that you get to meet people.

Fiveletters · 08/12/2019 11:00

I teach 11-18 4 days a week and my school/department are really helpful of all of us that are parents when it comes to things like dropping off on the first day of school/nativities/sports days etc

It’s a real mix at my DDs school of those people dropping and picking up and there is no real interaction between the teacher and parents.
They line up in the playground, the teacher collects them and then we wait in the playground at the end of the day and the teacher/TA sends them out to us.

tempnamechange98765 · 08/12/2019 11:03

I don't think you'll be the only one, but your DD probably will be in the minority being picked up every single day by a childminder. As you say most parents have at least one day where they can drop or pick up, or failing that a grandparent. It won't matter though, what's the difference in terms of your contact with the school if it was a childminder or grandparent? DS is in the nursery at school and there's no time to chat to teachers unless it's a quick "here's the money you needed for the raffle" or whatever. Your childminder can do that if you give them instructions.

tempnamechange98765 · 08/12/2019 11:06

Just seen you're a teacher, yes you won't get any school contact but you'll get all the holidays off with your DD! That will be lovely and sure to make up for it. Any friends your DD makes, you could arrange play dates for the holidays seeing as it seems so many of the parents are SAH.

OrangeZog · 08/12/2019 11:09

Most of the chatting to go with my DC’s Reception class takes place on a group Facebook page that the class parents are in. Generally due to there being a 15 min drop off window and children being let out up to ten mins early, which is the exact time the main gates open for parents to go in, there is minimal chatting in the playground anyway.

I can’t imagine your child would be able to take part in many play dates anyway if they need childcare after school as most people like to keep their weekends free with the exception of the endless entire class parties that seem to take place.

MrsBricks · 08/12/2019 11:17

It will depend on the school.
At my DS's first school he was literally the only child in his reception class who was collected by a childminder. Every other child had a SAHM, or occasionally a dad or grandparent. Small school, no wraparound. My partner did shifts so did collect him once or twice a week though.

We later moved to a bigger school that has wraparound. I'd estimate about half the kids are always collected by a SAHM. There's a couple (of 50 in his year) who go to full time wraparound, though I do see their parents occasionally. Mayb
e 5 more who do part time. A few grandparents collecting and a few go to childminders full or part time.

You can still be involved in the school though. Get on the class facebook/whatsapp groups, join the PTA, go to all the parties (and have a whole class party asap!), volunteer at the school fairs.

I'm a childminder and always go and cheer on "my" children at sports days and Christmas plays. Next week I'm taking 3 little ones to see a school child in their nativity. The children all become close like an extended family.

m0therofdragons · 08/12/2019 11:26

My dc go to a cm after school. They used to go to the school after school club but I felt like they had a long "school day" where as at the cm they can chill in front of the TV like they would at home. Their cm has become an extended part of the family and I love her. She fiercely defended my dc when teacher messed up so I completely trust her. My dc love her and are lucky to have her in their lives. Other mums might judge but I'm not there to see that Wink
I do work two early mornings so I can do one school pick up a week but overall I email teachers and ask for them to call me in the day on my mobile at work. It's probably more meaningful than one sentence as they run into school.

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/12/2019 11:26

Do you have a partner? Do they teach or can they make some of the pick ups by working from home/taking odd half days etc?

The pp's point about holidays is a good one. You can reciprocate play dates during the holidays.

minipie · 08/12/2019 11:29

I think you can make up for it in other ways.

Yy to the whatsapp group. Try to one up if there isn’t one already. This is crucial tbh. I don’t know quite how it works wrt to getting everyone’s details/consent, maybe ask school?

Suggest a class meet up in the holidays before school starts (Aug/first week of Sep) as you will presumably be off then and it’s really nice for reception kids to meet each other before they start. We had a picnic in the park with DDs class before they started.

Host playdates on weekends/in the holidays. Holidays will be especially popular Grin

What about your DC’s dad, is he around?