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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Primary schools - will I be the only one?

102 replies

winterwhite · 08/12/2019 07:20

DC1 is due to start school next year.

Local primary doesn’t offer any wrap around care so we will need to enlist the help of a childminder. However, this means my contact with the school will be very minimal. I won’t be there for morning or end of day pick ups.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this? I’m concerned that I won’t be part of her life as much, that play dates won’t be arranged and I won’t know the other mums or be able to speak to her teacher.

OP posts:
NeverForgetYourDreams · 08/12/2019 08:09

I never dropped off, DH did. DS went to after school club from day one - there were only 5 from whole school who used it so not a social affair.

Yes he did miss out on play dates. And yes I did feel guilty. But didn't have a choice.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 08/12/2019 08:11

if there isn't one already, start a facebook class page.

People can discuss school stuff, ask the most random questions and that keeps you in the loop. It's so much easier than a whatsapp group: you can ignore some posts and all the comments if you are not interested, there's a search facility so you can find the info you need and so on.

And go, and organise if you can, a class birthday parties - great way to meet all the parents. I know some MN do a drop and run but around here, all parents stay!

Original poster
winterwhite · 08/12/2019 08:12

No, vulpine

I’ve always shrugged it off but as it comes closer I am sad about it. It can’t be helped, though.

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 08/12/2019 08:13

DS is in Y5 now but I was shocked & still am at the number of parents who seem to be there for drop off & pick up. I work full time too & for the first few years I barely did drop off or pick up. I'm able to more now due to various reasons but it's surprising how many children do have their parents there. It certainly meant DS got fewer party invitations the first couple of years until he had properly established friendship groups himself.
I'm sure you won't be the only one though.

itsmecathycomehome · 08/12/2019 08:15

I teach and there are a few children in my class who are dropped off/collected by the childminder every day.

I have gotten to know the childminders quite well, and we chat about unimportant stuff such as a lost jumper or a piece of work that they did really well.

Those parents use the home-school diary to communicate, and I phone them if I need to discuss something important.

Over the year, there are some events that you might be sad to miss. Some are held in the early evening, but things like Sports Day and the class assembly happen during the day. You could ask the teacher to give you maximum notice for these, so that you could arrange an afternoon of annual leave?

Your child will be fine. They will get to know the childminder's other children, and have friends at school, and get invited to whole class parties.

Your teacher will understand. After all, we can't get to our own child's school during the school day either.

The only thing that I think will be hard is play dates. My advice would be to attend every weekend party your child is invited to, explain your situation and make it clear you're sad that you can't be more involved, swap numbers and then arrange play dates for weekends.

Original poster
winterwhite · 08/12/2019 08:17

I teach too, so sports days and the like can’t be done. I’m not primary, though.

OP posts:
lifeisgoodagain · 08/12/2019 08:18

Depends on where you live, in Cambridge 60-70% were collected by nannies, au pairs, child minders or stayed for after school wraparound care, where I live now 90% are picked up by their mum, handful of dads and grandparents as well - maybe 5% are in wraparound care (very large school) and a few are picked up by childcare providers. I do think there's a lot of informal childcare here eg mums work part time and swop kids sort of thing as wages are generally too low to justify paying.

Vulpine · 08/12/2019 08:19

Perhaps in the future your circumstances will change. Nothing is set in stone

Original poster
winterwhite · 08/12/2019 08:21

I don’t want to do another job, particularly, vulpine, but obviously it doesn’t lend itself to flexibility Smile

OP posts:
daffodilbrain · 08/12/2019 08:22

I think your DC will be fine. So don't worry You won't have the opportunity to make friends or a social group though - personally that's how I made a lot of my local friends but that's not the most important this, your child is

caroloro · 08/12/2019 08:22

You won't be the only one. At the school my kids go to, there's two sort of parents that people rarely see.... Those who get the bus to and from school (we're a rural area and anyone over 1.5 miles and in catchment is provided with free home to school transport) which is probably about 50% of the school, and people who work. I do work, but am able to do pick up once a week (is there no way you can rearrange your hours so that you can do pick up even once a week, half an hour extra Mon-Thurs to allow you to finish two hours early on a fri?).

You say you won't be able to attend assemblies or anything? I use my annual leave for this, as do many people who work. Do you have annual leave? Honestly, this is more important than pick up. There's class assembly once a year, Christmas fayre, summer fayre, Christmas show, Christingle and harvest festival that my school do during the school day. I don't go to christingle or harvest, but do take annual leave for the others.

Do you really have no annual leave to take to go to these things?

DippyAvocado · 08/12/2019 08:25

As a parent, I would say that it is sometimes difficult to never be there at the school as at primary in particular there still seems to be an annoying number of things that have to be done in person - forms handed in, messages to the teacher etc.

However as a teacher (KS1) I can say it honestly makes little difference to me whether I see the parents at pick-up or not. I rarely need to speak to them then and if the parents are at work, I phone them if necessary.

It will also help that you have a childminder. They will be able to hand things in for you and take/pass-on messages. Also, IME of using both, being with a childminder is more relaxing for the child.

Original poster
winterwhite · 08/12/2019 08:25

See above ...

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 08/12/2019 08:26

You can book a weeks holiday and do drop off/pick up. Or just random days throughout the year??

itsmecathycomehome · 08/12/2019 08:26

"I teach too, so sports days and the like can’t be done. I’m not primary, though."

Your child's teacher will love you and fully empathise.

I always have a group of children with no one to cheer them on at sports day or whatever, and I always tell them I'll cheer extra loud for them.

I have never known a child suffer because of this. Usually they are proud that mum can't come because she has to work. Our school record events for this reason.

cadburyegg · 08/12/2019 08:27

My DS1 started reception in September. He’s been to several parties but that’s not because I’ve met the parents, it’s because they are inviting the whole class. Does your dc go to nursery / preschool? DS1 knew some children from nursery so I already knew a couple of parents from there. I do some drop offs and pick ups but I wouldn’t say it gives me much of an advantage because the teachers don’t have a lot of time to talk then and you certainly don’t get a 10 minute chat at handover like you do in the nursery years.

Play dates, my DS1 is so tired after school that I probably wouldn’t arrange a play date for then anyway.

Original poster
winterwhite · 08/12/2019 08:29

Currently attending nursery but it’s one near where I work (this is necessary because nurseries only open at 8) and not local.

I do definitely think this is dependent on where in the UK you are. I know there will be lots of schools where nannies and childminders are the norm but here it’s mum or grandma.

OP posts:
blackteaplease · 08/12/2019 08:31

Lots of children at our school are either bussed in or brought by a childminder, or go to breakfast club. In ks2 we have a home school notebook for parent teacher messages. You can also email admin and they will forward to the relevant teacher.

I know 2 full time teacher mums and a lot of teacher dads (dh included) that don't get to come to any events. Do you have a dp or grandparents that you can send for events?

As for playdates, with one of my kids we have a class fb group with the other I've sent a note with my phone number on and an invite to play. There are ways around not being at the gate.

Elbeagle · 08/12/2019 08:32

There are quite a few DC at my children’s school who are dropped off and picked up by a childminder every single day. The school does have wrap around care but I assume the hours don’t work or that they prefer the provision that the childminder offers. Some of these are the DC of teachers at other schools so they can’t attend any school hour events. It’s not unusual.
Both of DD’s teachers have primary aged children too (at other schools) so I imagine they’re in the same position with their DC.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 08/12/2019 08:33

I’m a stay at home mum, not many children have play dates to be honest. Maybe it depends on whole long the school day is- ours is 7hours. Everyone’s busy and the children are exhausted by the end of the day. We see friends with children at the weekend far more. Sometimes parents will meet in the park after school but very often childminders/grandparents join in too.
Don’t worry about that side.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 08/12/2019 08:34

*how long not whole

Dontdisturbmenow · 08/12/2019 08:34

I've always FT and kids in childcare, but I somehow managed to build a relationship with other parents.

I remember asking my DD to give a note to her friends' parents to say I'd love to invite them over leaving my number and they would call.

I also asked my boss if once a month, I could leave earlier and make up the time so I would do it at least occasionally.

I also met other parents through the childminder.

Nowadays, you might find that someone arrange a WhatsApp group, or something similar. Do make one day to see the teacher and explained that you'd be very happy to be part of such a group.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 08/12/2019 08:35

Yes we also have a WhatsApp group.

Dontdisturbmenow · 08/12/2019 08:36

Oh and I forgot the most obvious, birthday parties. I remember in the first two years, there were one almost every weekend, often 2. It was the best place to meet other parents.

Cutesbabasmummy · 08/12/2019 08:38

My DS started school in September. My parents take him and pick him up 4 days a week and I do Fridays. Some of his friends do 2 or 3 days in breakfast and afterschool club. One of my son's friends has a mum who is deputy head at a senior school. She takes leave for really important things. I have chatted to a few mums and DS has had two friends over to play after school. As far a teachers go our school had a parents evening before they started school so we knew who everyone is and also a curriculum meeting just after school started. We had a parents evening after a month. The school also uses Tapestry - an app that shows what your child has been up to x