Son has told me he doesn’t want to visit the graveyard anymore

[eastmeanswestmum]

More of a what should I do?
My mum died while I was pregnant and I was just 21. A few weeks later I had my little boy, every week since he was born we’ve visited the graveyard, every Christmas Day we’ve gone after we’ve opened presents.
He’s been brilliant, he openly talks about her and has always wanted to go see ‘ his granny ‘
He started reception in September, this week he asked me about Christmas Day, I said we will do the same as normal open presents and then go see granny with grandad. I was so so so shocked when he said he didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to pressure him into questions so I kind of just brushed over it, were due to go tomorrow and I don’t know wether to or to leave it ?
What is the best way to approach this?
Obviously going to the graveyard gives me so much comfort- I can’t go on my own as I’m a single mum so finding someone to sit in with 2 little ones so I can go isn’t an option.
But I completely understand if it isn’t appealing for a 4 year old. But do I ask why? Do I encourage him to keep going or do I just leave it and take a break?

I do think you need to listen to him and stop taking him so often. Whilst visiting graves is comforting for many, there are lots of people who don’t feel connected with the deceased person at a graveside. I imagine even less so for him as he never met her. He only is connected to an idea of her that you have told him about and he can get that connection anywhere.
Maybe he finds the place morbid and scary. Maybe rather than have him think of granny he only thinks of his own mortality. I don’t think that would be healthy for him every week.
Also routines can be boring for kids maybe he is just expressing that he wants to do something more fun with his Sundays and whilst it is hurtful for you it is important to him.
Also maybe he senses that you need to spend less time time at the graveside and living life instead. If you were my daughter and grandson I certainly wouldn’t want you to come visit my grave every week. I’d want you to be out enjoying life. Have you had help with your grief OP?

theres something quite nasty about some of the attitudes here.
Agree 100%

@PixieDustt there’s a huge difference between visiting a graveyard and visiting your living parents.
The graveyard where my DM is buried is nothing like what she would have been with my DS. DS loves visiting his other Grandma, she bakes with him and looks after him when he’s ill. He is genuinely happy to be there. Visiting my mothers grave is a completely different experience, it’s remembering what we miss out on and not a happy experience. I’d rather take him to places my DM took me to and tell him stories about his grandma he never met.

theres something quite nasty about some of the attitudes here

I agree. I’m disgusted by how nasty and insensitive some people have been to the OP.

@soverylost I never said about taking her son. I said the OP going once a week isn't excessive. If you read my whole post I actually mentioned about switching with her DS's grandad so he didn't have to go...

I’m very sorry for your loss but , in all honesty, I think that your son’s objection to visiting your mum’s grave so often is , maybe a sign that your family needs to move on. I’m sorry if sounds harsh , truly, but it might be time to rethink your visits.
Maybe go privately while the children are at school/preschool.
As your children get older , they might find weekly visits excessive and possibly morbid. I know she was your beloved mum but your children will be starting to find all this a bit difficult.
I’m so sorry if I’ve offended. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss OP. That must be very hard to handle.
Is your DS just asking not to go on Christmas Day? If so I would definitely go along with that. But my understanding is he hasn't asked to not go on other days. By your description it's just a brief stop off on a walk to the park. As he gets older he won't want to go to the park with you, but for now I don't think there's a problem going once a week if he hasn't asked otherwise.

ultimately it's his choice if he wants to go or not

Except it’s not. He’s 4 - going places you might not want to go is part of the deal whether that’s school, the hairdressers, granny’s or granny’s grave.

The dig needs walking. On a Sunday they go through the graveyard, sit on a bench and eat chocolate buttons. It’s hardly a dragged out mourning session where he’s expected to do anything onerous.

@eastmeanswestmum

kids at that age can get some weird ideas about death, id definitely talk to him about why he’s said that.

I’m sorry you lost your mum when you were so young & pregnant - esoecially in the way that you did 💐

Talk to DS, see what’s brought this on erasure him if it’s worry about you dying (common at his age) but you don’t have to stop going. It’s not like you’re dragging him into some dreadfully gloomy cemetery and making him stand around in the cold for hours!

He's 5. You are an adult. Just take him with you. It's part of your Christmas tradition. I think it's lovely you visit your mum's grave so often.

He only mentioned Christmas day. For all you know he may love the routine, just not on Christmas day. Ask him why - it would be a shame if you misunderstood and stopped something that he is fine with.

OP I really feel for you and I don't think you've done anything wrong. I lost my mum when my eldest was a baby - we live 10 mins walk from the cemetery and, although I don't go often at the moment (I tend to go through random phases of wanting to visit more/less often) my children come with me around half of the time. Sometimes that's my decision because I want the peace to stand and bawl, sometimes it's their decision as they simply don't want to.

I don't think it's morbid or creepy - death is a part of life and I think it's good to normalise how we deal with it. I have never let my children see me in my saddest, darkest moments but they have seen me cry and they know why I get sad. When we lost two family members they were able to be open with me about their feelings and they knew their reactions and feelings were valid.

If going to your Mum's grave so often helps you, keep doing it. But I would listen to your son too - his feelings are valid and he's not grieving like you are. So being a bit flexible like you've suggested sounds like a good idea. You've done a great job - he told you how he felt because he knew you would value his feelings.

Do you like going on Christmas day or are you doing it out of duty or because you feel you should? We went to Mum's grave for the first two years before I realised we all hated it and were only doing it because we thought it was the done thing. I try to do two things with regards my Mum - I try to make her proud, and I try to be happy. Above all, she would want me to be happy. So I stopped going on Christmas day and enjoy the day so much more even though it's a difficult day. I light a special candle and raise a glass to her instead. If your son doesn't want to go on Christmss Day, maybe you could do something like that instead?

Everyone is different but make sure that whatever you do is helpful and comforting to you and your family - that's what matters, not what anyone else thinks. Sending you love

He's 5. You are an adult. Just take him with you. It's part of your Christmas tradition.

You’d seriously force a child to visit the grave of someone he has never met?! That’s just all kinds of twisted. We’re not taking about visiting a dentist or having to go shopping for essentials, FFS!

How long do you spend at the grave and how long does it take you to get to the grave from your home?

I am so sorry op. Losing your mum in very difficult circumstances at such an emotional time must of been so difficult.

I do think it may be worth you accessing counselling as the death of a parent through suicide is very difficult with the compounding timing.

I think a lot of people have made a lot of assumptions based on one comment. He may simply be bored of the cemetery ( that sounds harsh) but they are just stories to him not memories .

You sound a fabulous Mum . You listening to him.

Don’t assume that he will google . Children tend to be very factual she died doesn’t really get questioned further . Particularly in relation to relatives they didn’t know. But I understand your worry.

Not sure how to ‘like’ posts but @TripleSeptic talks utter sense and I fully agree. At the other end of the scale, where does one begin with a post like @Hepsibar’s? The lack of compassion is astounding. Have people taken leave of their senses???? The OP is a young girl who having lost her mother in the most traumatic fashion (whilst pregnant) merely wants to make a short weekly trip to her grave to honour her memory. Knowing what I do about mothers in general, and certainly single mothers without family to help, this is quite possible the ONLY thing she does for herself all week. Of course she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for that.

And for the poster that said that a graveyard is no place for a 4 year old, why is that? children are not born with a sense that places of burial are ‘morbid’ or something to be feared. As with most things in parenthood, it is largely how we frame the experience that dictates a child’s response to it. Sitting with his loving mother eating chocolate buttons on a bench during a quick break from a bike ride, with one or two references to his grandmother, does not sound like the stuff of trauma to me.

I really hope the people judging the OP so harshly never find themselves walking the sad path she has found herself on. No-one knows how they will react to the loss of a loved one until it happens, and no two grief experiences are the same.

You’d seriously force a child to visit the grave of someone he has never met?! That’s just all kinds of twisted. We’re not taking about visiting a dentist or having to go shopping for essentials, FFS!

OP isn't forcing anyone, she is taking her child to her mother's grave. Graves are peaceful places of remembrance. It's not twisted at all. Death and loss are totally natural. I'd respectfully suggest that you don't project your issues around death on to me.

It dawned on me the other day that one day my son will be old enough to google my mums name. Her death was quite widely in the papers.

I know he is still too young to do this, but don't let him find out how she died from Google, try to be open with him in an age appropriate way when he starts to ask questions.

I doubt he even comprehends that your mum is buried there and this is an awful situation for you, he has just got to an age where he understands he doesnt want to go because he probably just doesn't get it.

Once again I am appalled at some of the responses on here. Totally insensitive and damn ignorant

OP, you sound like a great mum, a single parent trying to hold it all together on a daily basis. If nobody has experienced that, they don't know how hard it is to get 10 minutes to pop out somewhere.

Shame to all of those who don't think it's 'right' to do what you're doing. I'd like to know how many 'right' things they bloody well do

for you OP, and so so sorry for your loss.

@Yerbumsootthewindae

Yes x 1000. Perfectly put.

I can’t believe the replies to this, it’s making me very sad. The OP takes her kid on a dog walk and passes her mum’s grave. That’s not a bad thing, weekly is not excessive, that’s her mum! My mum’s mum died 36 years ago and last week would’ve been her 69th birthday, losing a parent at such a young age has affected my mum and by extension me since she died.

OP I would ask you son why he doesn’t want to go. He might have heard a ghost story or been learning about something at school which has made him worry. Visiting your mum is important to you, you should keep doing it. As long as you’re not exposing your 4 year old to you sobbing by the grave side, it’s just a comforting weekly walk. Unless he has a very good reason, which I can’t imagine what it could be given your description of a bike ride on the way to the park which happens to pass your mums grave, I would tell him that it’s something you want/need to do so you’ll keep doing it.

Ah, the trolls have turned up!

OP ignore and carry on with your plan for what is best for your DS and you.

Wish you all the best and a Happy, bright Christmas!

OP isn't forcing anyone, she is taking her child to her mother's grave. Graves are peaceful places of remembrance. It's not twisted at all.

The child has said he doesn’t want to go, therefore she would be forcing him. It’s obviously not a peaceful place to the child, that he gets enjoyment out of.

Death and loss are totally natural. I'd respectfully suggest that you don't project your issues around death on to me.

If you read back you will see I visit my husband’s grave every week, however I’ve always let my children choose if they want to visit or stay at home.

I respectfully suggest you done force your beliefs on a small child.

*don't

I think you'll find the right balance. He is young and needs your guidance (including that he should care for your feelings even if he never met his grandma) but it can be a light and positive, perhaps almost casual experience for someone so young (although it is not like that for you.

I'm sorry you lost your mum in this way at this time in your life.