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Son has told me he doesn’t want to visit the graveyard anymore

404 replies

eastmeanswestmum · 07/12/2019 17:38

More of a what should I do?
My mum died while I was pregnant and I was just 21. A few weeks later I had my little boy, every week since he was born we’ve visited the graveyard, every Christmas Day we’ve gone after we’ve opened presents.
He’s been brilliant, he openly talks about her and has always wanted to go see ‘ his granny ‘
He started reception in September, this week he asked me about Christmas Day, I said we will do the same as normal open presents and then go see granny with grandad. I was so so so shocked when he said he didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to pressure him into questions so I kind of just brushed over it, were due to go tomorrow and I don’t know wether to or to leave it ?
What is the best way to approach this?
Obviously going to the graveyard gives me so much comfort- I can’t go on my own as I’m a single mum so finding someone to sit in with 2 little ones so I can go isn’t an option.
But I completely understand if it isn’t appealing for a 4 year old. But do I ask why? Do I encourage him to keep going or do I just leave it and take a break?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

B0bbin · 08/12/2019 20:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable- he has enjoyed the walk/ cycle out once a week up until now. It's not bad that you've been taking him. Fresh air, only 5 mins away. Don't let people make you feel weird about it. Something/ someone so important to you is definitely worth sharing. He's part of you so it's important he knows about your mum x

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 08/12/2019 21:02

Also lost my Mum a few years ago, so feel for you, OP. It hurts so much that my Mum isn't getting to see my DS grow up.

But, seriously, Christmas is a time for little ones to enjoy the magic. Don't let your DS associate it with sadness and a cemetery. It's not fair to him. Can you find another way to grieve for your Mum?

Aridane · 08/12/2019 21:27

@contentedsoul- RTFT OT spoke with DS - all is well. Sorry about that

MAFIL · 08/12/2019 21:50

I am glad things seem to be working out OP and I don't think you are doing anything wrong.
Different people people handle these things different ways and just because others don't want to visit their loved ones' graves weekly it doesn't mean that you are abnormal or wrong because you do.
I actually wish I had a grave to go to sometimes. My parents were both cremated and their ashes are buried together somewhere that was important to them. I don't even know exactly where as my brother buried the ashes alone and secretly as that was what my parents wanted. I miss having somewhere to go, especially on special dates and I 100% understand why you want to visit your mum's grave regularly. Don't let anyone put you off doing what helps you.
And for what it is worth, I don't think you are doing anything wrong or disrespectful in letting your little boy ride his bike or scooter through the graveyard. I am sure you are not letting him run amok or disturb grieving families.
I live in a village with a very ancient Church and graveyard and children from the village school have done things like plant bulbs, make bird nesting boxes and bug hotels in the churchyard. Obviously it is a bit different as there are no modern graves or recently bereaved families around but I think it is great that the children are encouraged to do normal things there and not to be afraid.

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