Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son has told me he doesn’t want to visit the graveyard anymore

404 replies

eastmeanswestmum · 07/12/2019 17:38

More of a what should I do?
My mum died while I was pregnant and I was just 21. A few weeks later I had my little boy, every week since he was born we’ve visited the graveyard, every Christmas Day we’ve gone after we’ve opened presents.
He’s been brilliant, he openly talks about her and has always wanted to go see ‘ his granny ‘
He started reception in September, this week he asked me about Christmas Day, I said we will do the same as normal open presents and then go see granny with grandad. I was so so so shocked when he said he didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to pressure him into questions so I kind of just brushed over it, were due to go tomorrow and I don’t know wether to or to leave it ?
What is the best way to approach this?
Obviously going to the graveyard gives me so much comfort- I can’t go on my own as I’m a single mum so finding someone to sit in with 2 little ones so I can go isn’t an option.
But I completely understand if it isn’t appealing for a 4 year old. But do I ask why? Do I encourage him to keep going or do I just leave it and take a break?

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 07/12/2019 19:44

You haven't been wrong for a few years and it isn't excessive at all!
People go to see their parents every week is that excessive if they're still alive?
Just because there not here anymore doesn't mean going to the graveyard every week is excessive... shall we just forget about them and see them every couple of months/years?.
Your DS has said this maybe you and your dad can take turns going on a Sunday? If a park is opposite one of you take him to the park and the other visits the grave then switch.
Sorry you've had some horrible replies on here OP. Shame you are being told you're excessive for doing what comes naturally to you and gives you comfort.

billy1966 · 07/12/2019 19:44

How absolutely awful to lose your lovely Mum when you were so very young.

You sound like a great Mum too.

I think there is nothing wrong with dropping by for 5 minutes when going for a walk. Perhaps try and be a bit more irregular with it but I can't see the harm when the visits are so brief.

I'm sure your Mum would be very very proud of the young woman you have become.
Mind yourself 💐

Ineedaweeinpeace · 07/12/2019 19:44

Hi OP my mum died when I was 21 also. I visit her weekly/every other too. But on my own. I understand what you’re saying about comfort. I offload every thought in that time to her.

I’ve never pushed my children to come but they do sometimes and make her cards etc at school to take to her. Maybe this could be a way? My girls probably visit every other month - like you the church is close to our house. When my 7 yr old learnt to read she read when we were there (her idea) to show nanny how clever she is. I did find they got more spooked by the graveyard as they got older. But now my 7yr old isn’t bothered again, unless it’s foggy!

I hope you find a way to visit that suits you both xx

dontcallmeduck · 07/12/2019 19:48

I’ve only read the first page but I’m shocked by people thinking weekly is excessive. It’s really not. If you want to go weekly then I’d carry on but maybe whilst he’s at school. Christmas Day is tricky though. Can you have a talk to him and explain that you’d really like to see Grandma over Christmas so that he can go with you but maybe go on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day rather than Christmas Day.

Lifeinaplasticbox · 07/12/2019 19:52

I know you say you are a single parent but do your dc spend time with their df? Perhaps you could go then.

CharlotteMD · 07/12/2019 19:52

Graveyard is not a place for a 4 yr old.

underneaththeash · 07/12/2019 19:53

I don't think he's being unreasonable, he clearly associates it with Mummy being sad. My father died pretty young as well (61) and we rarely take the children to see his grave as they didn't know him.

I also don't want them to associate him with sadness as he wasn't a sad person - he was a nice, lovely person who would much rather have his grandchildren play golf or digging on the beach than visiting his grave.

I go with my mum.

rhubarbcrumbles · 07/12/2019 19:54

I’ve only read the first page but I’m shocked by people thinking weekly is excessive.

So do I, it's not about if it's excessive is it, it's about finding a way that works for the OP and her son who both have equally valid views.

Toseland · 07/12/2019 19:54

I think you should follow his lead. He’s helping you to focus on life, warmth and joy, not death. Your mum would want you and him to enjoy your lives.
I lost my mum a month before my first child, we look at photos and tell stories. A Christmas graveyard chills me and is best left to Dickens x

Tvstar · 07/12/2019 19:55

He's 4or 5 he can suck it up. But you are U to expect it to mean anything to him

churchandstate · 07/12/2019 19:56

OP, I say this kindly but it’s really not healthy to force your DS into this sort of ongoing relationship with someone who died before he was born. It’s absolutely natural and necessary for young people to move on from people who have died. Let him be a child.

DinoSn0re · 07/12/2019 19:59

Did you mean to be so fucking rude @Hepsibar? Wind your neck in.

Mamabear88 · 07/12/2019 19:59

I think it's really lovely that you go to her grave to visit her so often. However if he's said he doesn't want to go anymore you have to listen to him. Could you maybe come to an agreement with him that you go once a month together instead of once a week? That way it's not so often but still a regular thing? And maybe go xmas eve instead of xmas day or something like that? Compromise.

Emmacb82 · 07/12/2019 20:00

So sorry for your loss.
My husband lost his dad when he was 18 and he obviously wants our little boy to know who he was. He will go to the grave on special occasions, his dads bday, around Easter and Christmas but not on the main days. And that’s it. Perhaps the weekly visits were just a bit much for him and although he may want to still go to the grave, maybe just do it on those main occasions only with him but not on the main days. Does he go to pre school or school? Then you could do your weekly visits on your own? Sorry I haven’t read through the entire thread x

siddo · 07/12/2019 20:00

Yep he's started deception if it's important to you go whilst he's at school. This doesn't sit well with me at all.

Death is normalised in this household but I would never insist on a weekly visit to a grave

Notodontidae · 07/12/2019 20:02

Your not the only one to do this, but its not his loss it is yours. I always say to parents, dont transfer your worries your phobias or your loses to your children, they will experience enough of their own. Parents are a barrier or buffer for such things, which is why we have a rating on DVDs such as U PG etc. I understand what you are going through, but please find someone to look after your son when you go to the graveyard.

Nomorepies · 07/12/2019 20:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

siddo · 07/12/2019 20:02

You talk abit her positively and relive memories but he has never met her.

Bluebelltulip · 07/12/2019 20:06

Your DS is at an age where he is starting to get an understanding about death so it's likely his change in opinion is linked to that.

countrywalks1 · 07/12/2019 20:12

Hey OP,

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, especially with the frequency with which your going, nothing at all. Agree with some other posters, you should explore why your DS doesn't want to go anymore. If you think hes got a valid reason, then maybe you could respect that. (He is five though, I wonder how well thought out his feelings can be?)

I find it really interesting (although ofc undersrandable) that many people find graveyards morbid. I generally don't have the same issue - as a kid (ie from when I can remember) I used to be taken frequently by my Italian DGD who was widowed young to my DGM and other family graves. Never really found it morbid, it was always more a sign of respect, stand quietly for a minute before he'd tell me a funny story about someone, then change and water the flowers, and often stop and chat to someone else visiting their deceased. I guess that's Italy for you, and I do wonder whether that's a typical continental attitude.

He passed away last year, and was buried a few days before Xmas next to gran. On Xmas day I went over to check everything was ok, ended up chatting with one of his old friends who was visiting someone else, and went for a casual coffee after. I find it hard to associate going to the cemetery with morbidness because of this stuff - its just part of your day. My great aunts visit everyday to check and water the flowers and say hello to him, which is very typical. Ok they're quite Catholic but they don't go crying by his graveside, it's much more practical, happy and chilled.

That was always how I felt as a kid. There were many times I didn't want to go, but he'd drag me there because the main reason I didn't want to go was because I was lazy (and also looking back probably couldn't leave a small kid at home). Mum, on the other hand never used to come with us, and doesn't go now as she gets too sad, so who knows what's good for us?

Basically, you do you OP

LucyLockettt · 07/12/2019 20:15

I don't see you're doing anything wrong at all. You're hardly dragging him out on a specific graveyard trip to wail at a headstone ... you're merely walking through on a dog walk, 5 minutes from your house, for a few mins once a week. So I don't see an issue with that at all.

So this depends on why he doesn't want to go. So ask him. See what he says and then consider adapting from there.

I'm sorry you lost your mum at a young age. I lost both my parents this year and I'm over two decades older than you. It's painful, so do what you need to do to cope, whilst considering your son's feelings and seeing if a compromise can be reached.

TheletterZ · 07/12/2019 20:15

You aren’t going out of your way, you are going for a dog walk that every so often goes via the grave. I don’t think that is a problem at all.

If you had asked me what I wanted to do at Christmas I would never have said a family walk but looking back they are a highlight, maybe focus on the walk part rather than the graveyard visit, when you go past if he stops he stops, if not you can say a silent message to your mum.

What is right for you and your family won’t be right for others so don’t take the comments too much to heart.

Helmetbymidnight · 07/12/2019 20:16

theres something quite nasty about some of the attitudes here.

the op lives five mins from the graveyard, next to a park, her son cycles through, chats and has chocolate with his dog.

this doesn't sound creepy, sad, too much, odd, boring, unhealthy, excessive etc- where are posters getting the mummy cries there from? or she is transferring her fears and phobias?

has no one bothered to read that op works when her ds is at school?

Helmetbymidnight · 07/12/2019 20:19

You've been dragging the poor little chap to a graveyard all these years. OMG how morbid

this person is not just thick but insensitive too.

fligglepige · 07/12/2019 20:19

I don't think either of you are BU! Could you call down on Christmas Eve morning instead of Christmas Day?

Swipe left for the next trending thread