Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son has told me he doesn’t want to visit the graveyard anymore

404 replies

eastmeanswestmum · 07/12/2019 17:38

More of a what should I do?
My mum died while I was pregnant and I was just 21. A few weeks later I had my little boy, every week since he was born we’ve visited the graveyard, every Christmas Day we’ve gone after we’ve opened presents.
He’s been brilliant, he openly talks about her and has always wanted to go see ‘ his granny ‘
He started reception in September, this week he asked me about Christmas Day, I said we will do the same as normal open presents and then go see granny with grandad. I was so so so shocked when he said he didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to pressure him into questions so I kind of just brushed over it, were due to go tomorrow and I don’t know wether to or to leave it ?
What is the best way to approach this?
Obviously going to the graveyard gives me so much comfort- I can’t go on my own as I’m a single mum so finding someone to sit in with 2 little ones so I can go isn’t an option.
But I completely understand if it isn’t appealing for a 4 year old. But do I ask why? Do I encourage him to keep going or do I just leave it and take a break?

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 07/12/2019 21:01

I completely understand you op.

I lost my mum when my son was 6 months old, it was and still is devastating. He is now 2.5 and we go to her grave every week, it was extremely distressing for me to start with but now we talk about her, how much she loved him and how funny she was.

If he gets older and wants to stop, I will respect that but don't feel guilty for previously taking him, you have had a walk with the dog and a play in the park and a visit to granny.

It's probably as others in school don't do it that he no doesn't want to go. It's really is tough, but as you say following his lead is best now 💐

DrunkSanta · 07/12/2019 21:03

I respectfully suggest you done force your beliefs on a small child

Is this not, in essence, the foundation stone of parenting? Bringing up a child and instilling them with your beliefs? The child is 5. He isn't being abused or forced or traumatised. Fine if you don't agree with it or you would do it differently but there is really no need to be quite so angry or hysterical. You may want to think on that a little. In a world we're you can be anything BE KIND. If you can't be kind be silent.

NameChangedNoImagination · 07/12/2019 21:04

I am disgusted by the replies tbh. I would ask him why. If he says it's boring i would still make him go and reiterate the importance of family and respect for those who had passed. If it is upsetting him then I'd work out how to not upset him but still do it.

I'm a VERY lenient parent fwiw but this is important. It's family and heritage and respect.

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2019 21:10

Op, perhaps see if there is a compromise for you both over the grave visits

As other posters have suggested, some help with your grief. It maybe that your mums death coming so close to the birth of your child didn’t give you enough time to grieve

SunshineAngel · 07/12/2019 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 07/12/2019 21:13

I really think it’s time you moved on. 💐

Aridane · 07/12/2019 21:13

I don't see you're doing anything wrong at all. You're hardly dragging him out on a specific graveyard trip to wail at a headstone ... you're merely walking through on a dog walk, 5 minutes from your house, for a few mins once a week. So I don't see an issue with that at all

I agree!

And I agree with the posters saying a 4 year old's views carry equal weight to his adult mother (though,, of course speak and understand why the child does not want to go on the dog walks anymore That also visit the cemetery)

Original poster
eastmeanswestmum · 07/12/2019 21:21

Thankyou again for all the replies.
I will make it clear that it’s never been a trip of- shall we go to the graveyard? It’s just always been the norm that I started going as a small baby- she was buried the day after he was born. I was in hospital. And then we just carried on going, I made it part of our routine where we would walk through to go to the park with the dog. Only on occasions such as Mother’s Day and Christmas etc do we stop and put flowers down or sometimes we sit on the bench and have a snack. I never even thought he’d see it as twisted or morbid and this has made me so upset to read. I never wanted to hurt him or make him think that. I just wanted him to always know he did have a family.
In all honesty he’s the most amazing child. He talks so amazingly, he asks me questions and he will often just say things about her.On Mother’s Day he told me how lucky he was to have a mummy like me and do I miss my mummy. I was proud that I’ve raised him to be so open and I never want him to be scared of asking me absolutely anything. I’ve never taken him there a stood and cried, I’ve never ever hesrd him say or sense he doesn’t want to go before this. I’m mortified that a lot of people think I’m damaging his mental health, and judging what happened to my mum this terrifies me. I hope I haven’t offended anyone at all, I did come here for other views and that’s exactly what I got so Thankyou everyone and Thankyou to the people who understood. You made me feel less of a let down xxx

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 07/12/2019 21:25

You made me feel less of a let down xxx

You sound far from a let down, you sound like you have raised a lovely little boy. 💐💐💐

KitKat1985 · 07/12/2019 21:26

I think at 4 he probably doesn't really understand the importance of your Mums grave to you, and can't appreciate it why it gives you comfort. He probably hasn't really grasped the concept of there being a body in the ground at that point. In his simplistic view of the world, he's just visiting a gravestone that he calls 'granny', and he's probably just starting to find it a bit boring and repetitive going there all the time.

To be honest at 4 years old he probably just wants to focus on his Christmas presents on Christmas day and watch Christmas television. Can you compromise and leave some flowers on her grave a couple of days before Christmas, and just spend Christmas itself doing 'fun' stuff with him?

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2019 21:26

I think expecting a 4yo to visit a grave on Xmas day after opening their presents is extreme. No 4yo would want to do this.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 07/12/2019 21:28

OP, I have a 4 year old boy and I doubt he is thinking deeply about this. If my son did this I'd say fine then try to go and see if he wants to come on the day. My son changes his mind every 5 minutes on everything, he will not realize it's so important.

There is nothing wrong with visiting your mum's grave nor with taking your son and talking about her. I am all in favour of being up front about death, showing that people die, and learning that you don't have to pretend it didn't happen, or make it some big hideous thing. Death is normal and should be treated as such.

ParkheadParadise · 07/12/2019 21:29

@eastmeanswestmum
Ignore all the stupid comments. You are definitely not a let down. I understand completely where you are coming from.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 07/12/2019 21:30

PS Yes, of course you want to be where your mum is at Christmas. Can your dad mind your son for half an hour while you go, then he has his time?

scottishlass123 · 07/12/2019 21:30

As part of my faith after mass every Sunday, families visit the graves of their loved ones. I don't see anything wrong with it. Death is a part of life. Many children from many faiths and non faiths visit the graves and memorials of loved ones. It does not need to be a negative thing. He may simply not want to go because he may find it boring as he is four not that he finds it upsetting.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 07/12/2019 21:32

I really think it’s time you moved on

and

As much as people use visiting graves as a comfort thing .. your loved one is NOT there, laying flowers makes NO difference, and your memories and special moments are still in your head whether you do this or not.

The OP's mother died when she was very young, possibly unexpectedly, and was buried THE DAY BEFORE her baby was born.

Just seriously, fuck right off. You evil cunts.

Longfacenow · 07/12/2019 21:35

OP I think you're posting on the wrong forum. If you look on a bereavement forum you will find many people incorporate visits to graves that are much further than your 5 mins away one on a weekly basis.

You're not in the wrong. He will have very little exposure to friends who visit the grave in his class that's all. It doesn't mean that you are wrong and yes you might want to find another time or ritual on your own LT etc and take him less often as he grows up, but to me it is no different than parents taking a child for hours to Church or Sunday school they don't want to attend and he shouldn't have a say at this age.

SerenDippitty · 07/12/2019 21:38

I’m so sorry for your loss. But not everyone needs to visit a grave to feel close to the one they’ve lost. Let your DS feel his own way.

Yerbumsootthewindae · 07/12/2019 21:38

Oh OP you are not a let down and you have not damaged your son's mental health - far from it. You sound like a wonderful Mum to me. There are some awful comments on this thread - pay no notice.

DorothyParkersCat · 07/12/2019 21:38

Totally agree with @Puddlelane123 here

The OP is a young girl who having lost her mother in the most traumatic fashion (whilst pregnant) merely wants to make a short weekly trip to her grave to honour her memory. Knowing what I do about mothers in general, and certainly single mothers without family to help, this is quite possible the ONLY thing she does for herself all week. Of course she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for that.

Please don't listent to people saying its twisted or you are damaging his health. You really aren't. He's 4 - 5. He's fine. He might have decided he doesn't want to go any more but that could be in the same way children decide they don't want to see Great Aunt Muriel because she has whiskers and wants to kiss them. Children have all kinds of random reasons for not wanting to do something.

It maybe a simple as he finds it cold or boring. That's completely different for what works for you.

Your priority actually is your mental health. If you aren't fit and well in the first place you could never have cared for your son in the way you have. If coping at such a young age while you were pregnant with the suicide of your mother (for which deepest condolences) involved visiting her grave once a week, then good for you for looking after yourself.

If its very important to you to go on Christmas day then explain that to your son and take him. If he's been going weekly for years, one more week isn't exactly going to cause an earthquake.

Just do what feels right to you and if that's listening to your son then find another way to honour your mother.

I would ask him gently in passing about why he said that. It could be some trivial child's reason that will reassure you.

Either way, please don't listen to some of the cruel and insentive comments here. Most of us were made to do stuff we didn't want to do as children on a scale from eating sprouts to visits to Great Aunt Muriel to extra home work. We are all still standing.

ParkheadParadise · 07/12/2019 21:41

As much as people use visiting graves as a comfort thing .. your loved one is NOT there, laying flowers makes NO difference, and your memories and special moments are still in your head whether you do this or not.*

I hope you NEVER have to bury your child and visit a cemetery standing in front of a headstone with your child's name on it.
I'm fucking disgusted by your comment.

lifeisgoodagain · 07/12/2019 21:43

Weekly is a lot after 5 years, and your son is right, it's not something appropriate to him because he doesn't know her

YankeeDad · 07/12/2019 21:44

OP - It sounds as though you are a lovely, compassionate Mum, with good judgement. My only advice would be, trust yourself, because it sounds as though you've gotten it right until now!

oabiti · 07/12/2019 21:52

You're grief is yours, alone. Not to be shared with a child that didn't even know.

Find other ways of keeping her memory alive. And then visit graveyard without him.

I actually think, without meaning to, you have been quite selfish.

Sorry.

And I say this as someone who lost her mum at a young age, too.

CottonSock · 07/12/2019 21:52

Op this is totally a normal and lovely thing to do. Don't listen to the keyboard loonies and be upset by it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread