Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son has told me he doesn’t want to visit the graveyard anymore

404 replies

eastmeanswestmum · 07/12/2019 17:38

More of a what should I do?
My mum died while I was pregnant and I was just 21. A few weeks later I had my little boy, every week since he was born we’ve visited the graveyard, every Christmas Day we’ve gone after we’ve opened presents.
He’s been brilliant, he openly talks about her and has always wanted to go see ‘ his granny ‘
He started reception in September, this week he asked me about Christmas Day, I said we will do the same as normal open presents and then go see granny with grandad. I was so so so shocked when he said he didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to pressure him into questions so I kind of just brushed over it, were due to go tomorrow and I don’t know wether to or to leave it ?
What is the best way to approach this?
Obviously going to the graveyard gives me so much comfort- I can’t go on my own as I’m a single mum so finding someone to sit in with 2 little ones so I can go isn’t an option.
But I completely understand if it isn’t appealing for a 4 year old. But do I ask why? Do I encourage him to keep going or do I just leave it and take a break?

OP posts:
whatthehelldowecare · 07/12/2019 19:12

My mum passed away when I was 18 months old and from then until I was about 14 (when my dad started working weekends) we went to the graveyard every single week to visit my mum and my granny. I don't think it's a negative depressing experience at all. I never had an issue going and even now it's the first place I want to go when I had good/bad/happy/exciting/sad news!

As an aside we didn't go to the graveyard, we went to 'the flowers' - which is a much happier sounding place to visit

Juliehooligan · 07/12/2019 19:12

My daughter lost her grandad when she was 2, and in the beginning, we did take her up to see him every week. She has always been told how important family is , whether they are there to share our life with us or not. Have a chat with your son, even though he is young, he will understand more than you think. You lost your mum at one of the most important times of your life, and you have definitely not been doing the wrong thing by taking your son with you when you go to the cemetery.

EightiesBaby · 07/12/2019 19:13

As hard as this may sound, you need to move on. She'll always be a part of you and you don't need to visit a grave every week.

Northernparent68 · 07/12/2019 19:13

Op, may I suggest you speak to a grief counsellor ? It might help you think this through

Hepsibar · 07/12/2019 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aridane · 07/12/2019 19:14

I am sorry about @minesagin37's insensitive post but also that you are not able to access counselling.

I hOpe you don't think this out of order - but this book is recommended by bereavement charities for coping with the aftermath of suicide. In case of help

]]

EightiesBaby · 07/12/2019 19:15

As an extra, it is absolutely awful what has happened but you can still keep her in your memory without going to the grave xxx

Memoriesmemories · 07/12/2019 19:15

@minesagin37 that's outrageous, you don't know the OP, you have no right to say how often someone should or should not visit their mothers grave. Grief is very personal to the individual. The OP has been through a very traumatic experience, at least try and show some compassion and understanding!

CouldBeOuting · 07/12/2019 19:15

My Mum died when I was pregnant. I’ve NEVER taken my DCs to the cemetery (which I can see from my house) as we “remember” differently. I’ve only been back to the cemetery for other funerals.

Remember your DCs grandmother with stories and memories.. my DH knows that I don’t even want a memorial stone or anything and certainly don’t want anyone feeling obliged to visit and maintain my grave.

Pinkblueberry · 07/12/2019 19:19

I’ve simply tried to include my mum in his life

This must have been very difficult for you, but I think you need to accept that he can only make so much of an emotional connection to a family member that he has never met. She can be a part of his life through photos and stories, regularly visiting a cemetery isn’t necessary to this. If anything it seems more damaging and is going to have the opposite effect to what you want.

LittleFishSwim · 07/12/2019 19:19

I think it is a compliment to you as a mum that your son was comfortable to talk to you about this, by adapting your plans I think this will send him an important message, him and his feelings are valued which is a huge thing to him.

MrsWhites · 07/12/2019 19:20

Do you think maybe they have been talking in class about how they spend Christmas Day and it’s dawned on him that not every child visits a grave on Christmas Day?

I can understand how this has been upsetting for you but children can be so fickle, what he wants (or not) will likely be completely different by the time next weekend comes around.

whatthehelldowecare · 07/12/2019 19:20

There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with going to a graveyard every week. It doesn't have to be a sad experience.. go, laugh, chat about your week and make memories!

feelingfree17 · 07/12/2019 19:20

Sorry to hear about your Mum. Don’t be hard on yourself thinking you have been wrong taking him previously. I can totally understand your reasonings, she was obviously a very special lady. But for now, just listen and take on board what your little man would like to do. You could gently ask why, but if he isn’t forthcoming, just leave it and go when you get chance to go without him

msflibble · 07/12/2019 19:23

I don't think you are unreasonable, just maybe not quite seeing it from the POV of a 4 year old. He's starting to grow up and maybe develop other interests, and the graveyard was probably much more interesting when he was a toddler. The harsh truth is, children aren't sentimental about places or rituals, especially if there isn't cake involved.
It's sad for you, but he is no longer small enough to be excited by a big open space full of interesting stones, and not yet old enough to appreciate your love and devotion to your mother or what her burial place represents.
Motherhood is a constant process of letting go. It's painful, but necessary, and you resist such changes at your peril!

SolemnlySwear2010 · 07/12/2019 19:24

My DH sometimes takes our DD to visit his grans grave and his while family used to visit on Christmas day to leave flowers etc. They have now started going on Christmas Eve morning as our DD is far too excited on Christmas and wants to spend the day with her toys.

This way they are still spending time at the grave at the festive time but it doesnt disrupt the actual day ( sorry if that sounds insensitive)

msflibble · 07/12/2019 19:25

Also - I'm sorry for your loss. Losing your mother at such a young age must have been devastating. It's lovely that you continue to honour her memory, and you can still do so while your son is at school.

ysmaem · 07/12/2019 19:32

Maybe it's time to start going on your own, why not go while he's in school. Still go weekly, you're getting something out it but your son isn't. He's now reached an age where he's clearly not benefiting from attending the graveyard with your. I'd probably not go on Christmas day either, or find a way to go on your own. You can extend the offer to your son but ultimately it's his choice if he wants to go or not.

Butchyrestingface · 07/12/2019 19:33

My sibling died when I was a child, @eastmeanswestmum. Unlike your son, I did have some memories of him. My mum took me to visit the grave fairly regularly (perhaps not every week).

Left to my own devices, I probably wouldn't have gone but as I was a child, she couldn't leave me home alone and it was probably important for her in some way that I went too.

I don't necessarily hold with the majority view on the thread, but agree that scaling back the visits somewhat might not be a bad idea. Smile

SunshineCake · 07/12/2019 19:34

Flowers @eastmeanswestmum you sound like a lovely mum.

Flowers @ParkheadParadise

@Somerville Flowers for you too. Haven't "seen" you for months.

Lllot5 · 07/12/2019 19:37

So sorry you lost your mum at such a young age especially while you were pregnant. But you have to move on my love.
I don’t think it’s healthy to go every week for you.
Your ds doesn’t want to go anymore. Best wishes to you.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/12/2019 19:39

I know this isn’t a funny thread but I. Can’t help but laugh at how many people are saying the 4yo doesn’t want to go and should be listened to.

If he didn’t want to go to school on the other hand...

Op, I am a single parent and one of the most important things that I have learned it that sometimes I come first.
For all the times you hang out at the play park in the cold, or wait while they have their swimming lesson for all the times you put them first... sometimes they need to see you prioritise your needs.

If you want to visit your mum then do so.
As long as you aren’t bawling or morose then you certainly aren’t damaging him.

I’m sorry you lost your mum xxx

rhubarbcrumbles · 07/12/2019 19:39

YANBU because if you want to visit your Mum's grave then that's fine. What you want isn't the same as what your son wants so it's time to find a compromise because he has told you what he thinks and he needs to know that you will listen and that his feelings matter to you but also that your feelings matter and that you can come to an alternative arrangement that works better for both of you.

Aridane · 07/12/2019 19:43

I hear you, @HerrenaHarridan, I hear you