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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gifts for grandchildren - different amount for each family

166 replies

SweetSally · 07/12/2019 14:50

Hi all,

My husband and I are a bit confused about a situation that has occurred in our family. My parents in law have 3 grandchildren in total.
One girl below 1y old
Two boys below 2y old

What we believe to be a bit confusing is - one child gets £100 and the other two kids get £50 each. Basically the brother and the sister have £50 each and the child without siblings receives double this amount because he has no siblings.

Everyone is on very good terms so this is very confusing for me and I am not sure what to make out of it. Are they being reasonable?

(To avoid drip feeding - 2 of the children are mine, and SIL has 1 boy). Please don't get me wrong, we are not jealous of her and we are financially comfortable and we appreciate the grandparents generosity... However, my side of the family doesn't operate like this and I am slightly confused why are the grandchildren being treated differently?

Last Christmas (before DD was born) each grandson received £50. Now, the child without a sibling is being topped up another £50.

Please share your comments (let's keep it civilized and avoiding turning this into a nasty threat)

OP posts:
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5
MistyCloud · 07/12/2019 14:53

@SweetSally

Please share your comments (let's keep it civilized and avoiding turning this into a nasty threat!

Well that's US lot put in our place. Hmm

I think I'll just not bother commenting. Wink

ineedto · 07/12/2019 14:54

It's rather odd. Surely each child receives the same if monetary.

motherheroic · 07/12/2019 14:54

Maybe they can't afford £100 per child, so the siblings have to split.

Goawayquickly · 07/12/2019 14:55

My guess is the GP’s see it as equal in that they’re giving each family £100. Strange thinking to my mind but I can see it.

Original poster
SweetSally · 07/12/2019 14:55

@SweetSally

Hehe
Oh dear. Grin

OP posts:
bbyj2019 · 07/12/2019 14:55

@mistycloud I second that ahahaha

SyntheticPumpkin · 07/12/2019 14:55

I suspect they see it more as treating their children equally, rather than their grandchildren unequally IYSWIM.

So they’re spending £100 on each family’s children, just one family it’s split between 2 and one family it isn’t.

astralweaks · 07/12/2019 14:56

No comment forthcoming here, either. You are not in a position to tell fellow posters how to conduct themselves.

Minky35 · 07/12/2019 14:56

In their mind they allocate the money / present budget by family. This must seem a fair way of doing it from their perspective I.e. your side if the family Has had an equal amount of money as the single child on the other side. Not how we do it but I can see their point tbh.

FthisS · 07/12/2019 14:56

This is the exact reason I'm nc with my family and H family. When my sister adopted her child (she was 6mnths) my mother spent £2000 on her for christmas and £10 each on my children. I carried on speaking to them for about 6 months but the situation got so bad with how my children were treated that I haven't looked back. We are also nc with H family for very similar reasons. It sucks and if I become a grandparent I will never do this.

EpcotForever · 07/12/2019 14:57

Kind of thing my pil would do. I don't think they mean any harm. As pp said they probably see it as £100 per family rather than favouritism.

Greyhound22 · 07/12/2019 14:57

No it's not fair. They should all get £50 each or £100 each.

I honestly think people get confused in these situations.

I know a situation where someone has stopped buying for the 'adults' and just buys for the children - fair enough. Only that's horribly unfair on the one young adult that has no children. I feel guilty that me having a baby has meant that she now gets no presents from one side of the family at all so I end up doubling what we would buy to compensate. They just don't see I don't think that it hasn't worked out right fair.

Curious2468 · 07/12/2019 14:58

This is going to cause so much resentment as the kids grown if you have unequal family sizes. It’s not like you have 6 or something where I could understand it. They are young enough atm not to care though so I would try not to fret on it and hope you sil has another baby soon to balance it out

Original poster
SweetSally · 07/12/2019 14:58

@Goawayquickly

That's what I make out of it, too.
It's a little strange but hey ho we are all different.

We hope this won't become an issue when the children grow up and our kids receive half the presents of what their cousin has.

It's already awkward. We always spend Christmas together and open gifts together

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 07/12/2019 14:58

They are thinking about their children and dividing equally between them rather than thinking about the grandchildren. I can see the logic but a bit off when the kids get bigger and can tell.

WhereverIMayRoam · 07/12/2019 14:59

I’ve only ever heard of this on MN and in all honesty find it really odd. Usually done by GPs I think and people justify it by explaining it’s the same amount spent per family and therefore fairer. To me though it suggests all the thought is around money and not about the child they are buying for which I find a bit cold really.

I’d be mortified if my parents spent more on each of my 2 dc than they did on my siblings 4 dc. If anything there’s less money to go around in their family, why give or spend more on the dc who generally have more anyway Confused?

BlackeyedSusan · 07/12/2019 15:02

Ask your DH to.have a quiet word with his DPS asking them to give the same value of presents and if they want to make it fair to his sibling to give the sibling the extra as cash/cheque so as not to upset the children.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 07/12/2019 15:02

We hope this won't become an issue when the children grow up and our kids receive half the presents of what their cousin has.

DD is the only one of 7 grandchildren not to receive anything from DH’s parents. She’s now 9 and oddly enough not that bothered about travelling for 5 hours to visit them to see her cousins get spoiled whilst she gets nothing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

cuddlymunchkin · 07/12/2019 15:03

Look, it's THEIR money which they can allocate as they choose. Do you realise how grabby you are coming across as?

I was from a larger family (4 children) and my cousin was the only one in his family and yes, he had a bigger present at Christmas and a bigger inheritance when the time came (and let's face it, you're thinking ahead to that too, aren't you?) And I and ALL my siblings were fine with it. We appreciated what we had and also understood the thinking behind Nan and Grandpa's gifts.

Don't lose sight of the fact that these are gifts.

Original poster
SweetSally · 07/12/2019 15:04

@BlackeyedSusan

It's a fair point but...

I think that would be escalated to a big row.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 07/12/2019 15:08

Do the kids know there's any difference? I assume they don't open things all together on Christmas Day?

Either way, you can't ask for more. It's a gift.

Witchend · 07/12/2019 15:08

I can't see it being an issue between the children if you don't let it. I have no idea what the other grandchildren get, and never had any idea what the relative value was between me and the cousins' presents.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 07/12/2019 15:09

Oooooo. I hate being told what to do on MN.

Foghead · 07/12/2019 15:09

£50 is still very generous and they’re obviously thinking per family.
Kids won’t even notice and when they’re old enough to, then there might be more kids to even it out.
If there isn’t, then just explain to your dcs rather than let them thinking they’re hard done by.

Grandadwasthatyou · 07/12/2019 15:14

Totally unfair. How can the grandparents not see it? I would be furious if my dm did that with her grandchildren.