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Original poster

Gifts for grandchildren - different amount for each family

166 replies

SweetSally · 07/12/2019 14:50

Hi all,

My husband and I are a bit confused about a situation that has occurred in our family. My parents in law have 3 grandchildren in total.
One girl below 1y old
Two boys below 2y old

What we believe to be a bit confusing is - one child gets £100 and the other two kids get £50 each. Basically the brother and the sister have £50 each and the child without siblings receives double this amount because he has no siblings.

Everyone is on very good terms so this is very confusing for me and I am not sure what to make out of it. Are they being reasonable?

(To avoid drip feeding - 2 of the children are mine, and SIL has 1 boy). Please don't get me wrong, we are not jealous of her and we are financially comfortable and we appreciate the grandparents generosity... However, my side of the family doesn't operate like this and I am slightly confused why are the grandchildren being treated differently?

Last Christmas (before DD was born) each grandson received £50. Now, the child without a sibling is being topped up another £50.

Please share your comments (let's keep it civilized and avoiding turning this into a nasty threat)

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
SweetSally · 07/12/2019 18:37

Also.

Our first born received £50 for his 1st birthday.

Cousin received £100 on his 1st birthday because our baby was on the way and she had £50 as a newborn gift ...

OP posts:
Ownerofmultiplechimps · 07/12/2019 18:44

I think it should be roughly the same for each child not per family. My grandparents spent more on my 2 cousins for years & it was obvious to me from a young age. The reason they did I've since found out was because every year without fail my aunt would tell my gp's she couldn't afford more than a stocking each & that my cousins would be upset when they saw all my presents. The reality was that gp's spent a lot on them both & my aunt would would produce bin bags full for them too. To me as a child i thought go's loved them & preferred them more than me.

Pateontheback · 07/12/2019 18:46

Are you their accountant as well as their dil?
You aren’t confused. You know exactly what is going on.
Why don’t you ask them for clarification on why they are doing this?
Oh no wait, you won’t do that.
If it bothers you that much you can too up your dc gift with the money from your gift from them.
Life sucks and it isn’t fair but it’s up to them how they distribute their money.

Yarboosucks · 07/12/2019 18:48

What are you hoping to achieve from this thread?

lljkk · 07/12/2019 19:09

imho,
it would be reasonable to point out to the grandies that the kids are going to clock the difference when they are older that the singleton cousin gets, and feel that they love that person more than them.

This wouldn't be an issue if they don't continue to open pressies together, or if the gift is delivered in another less public way.

How about if the grandies keep the public gift value £50 to each DGC, but they can slip the parents of the singleton child an extra £50 to subsidise (whatever)? Or rebalance in other ways with extra donations to the parents. Then the grandies get their choice of fairness but the kids don't feel like there is blatent favouritism. Peace & harmony.

Hepsibar · 07/12/2019 19:33

Where there are only 3 grandchildren involved, you'd think they'd give £50 each. However, perhaps they worry that one of you could be a "fast breeder" and they could end up not being able to afford for each.

Original poster
SweetSally · 07/12/2019 20:08

@hepsibar

That is true.
We don't plan on having any more children and have openly spoken about this.

Either way

Thank you everyone for your input and thoughtful comments.

OP posts:
Cutesbabasmummy · 07/12/2019 20:43

My mother in law has 6 grandsons aged 10 - 3 months old. My son is number 5 grandson and almost 5. Grandson number 3 is having an I pad from her for xmas. My son is getting a board game....!

OctoberLovers · 07/12/2019 20:46

Will Spend the same on nieces and nephews regardless if one of them has siblings or not... But they are a good amount of years between them... 6 years. So little one doesnt understand yet.
But i know and its not fair.
Iv got LOL surprise for oldest which was £130 and some other things.
So 2 year old had £150 worth of "vehicles"
:)

Just couldnt treat them any different

rookiemere · 07/12/2019 22:46

Actually OP your title is incorrect- you say different amount each family, but actually it's the opposite, overall each family has got the same amount. Just thought I'd mention it.

tillytrotter1 · 07/12/2019 23:46

We have a 3 and 1 split, they all receive the same for Christmas and birthdays, I don't see that the 3 should be punished for their parents' choices! They all get odds and ends during the year too, if I see something and think Oh, A would suit that, I'll get it. They'd get short shrift if they started making comparisons though.

redastherose · 08/12/2019 13:32

This sort of stuff really is a bit shit tbh. I am one of 3, one year my parents allocated a certain amount per child. As I had a H and DD and my brother had a W and DD our presents had to come out of the same amount of money as my S got who was single and childless. My S has always been favoured and lived next door to parents and relied on them financially so was constantly getting money spent on her. I live hours away and have been financially independent since I was 17. Due to how much my parents spent on my DDs present and my H I received a Filofax which cost £5 from a market stall? My S got a mobile phone and a necklace. It felt as though they were punishing me for them having overspent on my DD. There's keeping things even and being fair and they are not the same thing.

ReeRi · 08/12/2019 13:44

How do you know it cost £5 @redastherose? Filofaxes can actually be quite costly! I know that’s not the point but you may have misjudged what they spent? Also are you generally a bit late and disorganised? I love my filofax but have sometimes bought diaries and such for my friends who need to get organised!!

redastherose · 08/12/2019 13:54

@ReeRi it was a small plastic one and no I'm not in any way shape or form the disorganised one in the family. I'm the only one who has professional qualifications having worked full time and studied hard to get where I am now. This was 20 years ago and I've never forgotten the hurt I felt when my sister opened her presents and I then opened mine. It wasn't about the money it was definitely a slap in the face about how little my parents cared about me. Also, even if you added up what was spent on my DD and H my S would definitely have had more spent on her. My parents said it was even but it really wasn't. Neither for my family not by Brothers.

Lightkeeper · 08/12/2019 13:55

redastherose

With all due respect... you're an adult now and financially independent. I don't really expect Christmas present from my parents anymore, although I still buy them presents. If they do buy things for me, they are token gifts, but as I expected nothing... I appreciate them. I did get a Filofax once and that was because I went through a period of collecting them and my mum noticed that!

I do, however, expect a nice present from my OH (although we are too pragmatic... we normally buy it after Christmas).

Christmas isn't meant to be about the gifts, people!!!

Lightkeeper · 08/12/2019 13:58

P.S.: Younger siblings always get more. DH's "little" sister (she's in her 20s) gets Tiffany jewelry and designer items from her parents for Christmas. But then again, we aren't too different... we spend three times on her than we do on my DH's other sister who has a husband and two kids.

gingergittable · 08/12/2019 14:04

Annnnnd the grabby Christmas threads start. Hmm

EtonTrifleS · 08/12/2019 14:55

My Mil is absolutely batshit crazy over ' fairness' but split it across the the grand children
So my Dd1 received an embarrassment of stuff, tons of it aged 5
Cousin 1, aged 4, received the same as Dd1
Dd2 aged 3,received a 2nd hand board book for a programme on Sky we had no access to.
Cousin 2, aged 1 recieved a 2nd hand board book because the parents had said " she's only small, too much stuff, won't understand'

So even though we weren't in the same house at Xmas for unwrapping, the presents had to be fair across cousins but not siblings! My 5 & 3 year old certainly noticed the difference.

Youseethethingis · 08/12/2019 15:33

Each split is perfectly reasonable according to your perspective. If you viewed your grandchildren as individual, equal member of the family in their own right then you would spend the same on each child. If you viewed your grandchildren as offshoots of their parents, you split the budget per family. Personally, if I was the Granny I’d be looking at all my grandchildren as equals, not in degrees according to how many siblings they have. If that meant spending a tenner on each of my 10 grandkids instead of £50 on one child and £5.56 on the other 9 then so be it.

TheRightHonerable · 08/12/2019 16:03

@SweetSally

There’s two ways to look at it really - one is being equal amongst your grandchildren and the other is being equal amongst your own children. Neither is wrong. The only way it would be ‘wrong’ is if they were being unequal between your two children.

I kinda see their point of view. You and DH could choose to have 7 kids whilst nephew remains an only child, in which case if they have a £800 Christmas pot that would mean giving £700 to one family and £100 to the other. Every child you chose to have would automatically dilute nephews amount.

I’d be prepared for their will to be very similar btw. My parents for example have chosen go leave everything 50/50 between sibling and I and not account for grandchildren. This is because my sibling is many years younger than me and likely to have children after our parents may no longer be here, whilst I’m already pregnant with DS1 and likely to have more quite soon.

It’s quite fair to keep it equal between your own children I think.

charm8ed · 08/12/2019 16:15

My MIL does it the same way. She has 5DC and each of their families get the same amount of money spent on them. So my SIL gets a for example £100 present as she’d single and childless, my family have the £100 divided by between my DH, myself and our 3 DC. I always thought it was a good system and my MIL is happy with it which is all that matters as she’s buying the presents.

HobbyUnenthusiast · 08/12/2019 16:26

I'm surprised by people's responses to you, OP. I didn't take your post as "grabby" at all, you made it clear you're very grateful and it's clearly not about the money but the fact that the grandparents have chosen to spend twice as much on one child as the others. It would have been better to spend a little less, and divide equally between the three of them. This is not the same as an inheritance at all, in my view. They're not buying gifts per family but for individual children.

Also find it bizarre that you're being mocked/criticised for asking people to keep the thread civilised! How unreasonable of you ;)

AdelaideK · 08/12/2019 16:34

Some people think spending the same on each child is best. Some people think each family getting the same is best.

Neither is wrong. It is entirely up to the grandparents how they want to do it so accept the gifts with good Grace. They have been pretty generous.

TheRightHonerable · 08/12/2019 16:38

@SweetSally

You’re being mocked because a vast amount of MN are absolute trolls who love a good witch hunt and hate being called out on it 👍🏻🎄

lau888 · 08/12/2019 17:13

I do see your issue, OP. I also see what (I think) the grandparents intend.

IMO, if the grandparents want to spend an equal amount on each of their own children (the parents), they should really give each grandchild £50 worth of gifts and give £50 in cash to the parent who only has one child. For the grandparents, it's not about how much the grandchildren get - it's how much their own children get (via the grandchildren). It would be less confusing for the grandchildren as they grow older but would still make things "fair" for the children's parents.