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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a step parent one .....

88 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 11:14

OH and his Ex wife agreed to go halves on music lessons for DSD1 for one term.

Ex Wife then never paid so we paid the full amount. FIL then paid for a second term.

DSD1 had some Christmas money and we found her a second hand instrument which she paid for herself with her money.

DSD1 then didn’t do any practice on said instrument which was noted in teachers comments the first term we paid for and the second term FIL paid for and we said we were not paying for a third term because she was not putting in the effort needed.

Ex wife has now informed us that (somehow?) DSD1 has continued attending the lessons and the school are now chasing her for the money, we told her and DSD1 we would not be paying for them.

AIBU to think this is not our responsibility?

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 07/12/2019 11:16

ExW is the unreasonable one, she never kept her agreement to share cost and left it to yourselves and FIL, her turn to pay. If DSD isn’t progressing is it worth keeping going?

Hellohah · 07/12/2019 11:17

No, the agreement was to go halves. Your OH and his dad have paid for 2/3's.

The ex wife can pay her half now.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 11:19

I think OH is going to cave - which tbh really really pisses me off as she has huge form for this type of shit and we pay our way, £500 PM maintenance, contribute towards school uniform and pay for mobiles.

OP posts:
InACheeseAndPickle · 07/12/2019 11:19

Tricky, do you think her mum deliberately continued the lessons? If DSD did want to continue the instrument personally I'd have given her a chance to put a bit more practise in personally.

In terms of the lessons she's now taken whose responsibility was it to give notice to the music teacher? Unless someone actually told her the lessons weren't going ahead she'd obviously still be expecting DD and still charge you. Who agreed to take responsibility for cancelling the lessons?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 11:21

It was at school and it was a pre pay per term thing.

I assumed if not pre paid then they wouldn’t go ahead and I think two terms with no practice shows that she was lacking the motivation.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 07/12/2019 11:22

By my reckoning, ex wife is now responsible for paying for the third and fourth term, if the agreement was 50/50.

Having said that, is DSD1 now genuinely progressing? Do you want them to be able to play an instrument? If so, and you can afford it, it might be worth biting the bullet because it sounds like their mum can’t or won’t pay and the lessons will stop.

Grumpos · 07/12/2019 11:22

No YANBU, firstly you agreed to split the cost and she never contributed.
Secondly SC showed no real interest in persevering so you told them you wouldn’t fund any further lessons. If SC and ex ignored that then that’s on them.
If SC is now putting in the practice and wants to continue then again offer to split 50:50 for future lessons but don’t back pay! And find a way where you are not responsible for handing the full amount over, make half the payment direct to school etc.

Stegosaurus1990 · 07/12/2019 11:23

Your DH needs to stand firm and say it’s her turn. You’ll just keep getting more demands if he caves.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 07/12/2019 11:24

Your DH really should have contacted the school and informed them the lessons weren’t required anymore. Schools have loads of students who can’t always afford to pay upfront so they give them the lessons anyway on the understanding the money will come eventually. This is probably what happened when no money arrived for DSDs lessons.

PanemEtCircenses · 07/12/2019 11:26

For music lessons it is often a full academic year commitment, with then a one term notice period. Did you check the contract before you cancelled?

churchandstate · 07/12/2019 11:26

Difficult, because I don’t understand why your DH isn’t just as responsible as his ex for ensuring their child doesn’t attend lessons that aren’t paid for. If neither one of you actually informed the school that the lessons were to stop, is that why they continued to offer them?

But either way, she owes you for the first initial lessons, so I suppose based on that, your OH could say this is her share now.

BlackSwanGreen · 07/12/2019 11:27

Clearly exW should have paid her share. But YABU to not make sure you had properly given notice for the lessons to stop. Surely it was obvious this would happen otherwise!

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 13:01

Ok granted, he should have contacted the school.

She is in debt to the school as hasn’t paid for the bus (and they are banned from it because of it) so I assumed she wouldn’t be given anything else on “credit” as it were.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 07/12/2019 13:02

Well, no, that’s because your DH was given the lessons “on credit”, isn’t it?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 07/12/2019 13:05

Tell your DH not to cave. If the ex has form for this then she will just continue pulling this sort of stunt.

IndecentFeminist · 07/12/2019 13:06

This isn't her responsibility any more than his tbh.

IndecentFeminist · 07/12/2019 13:07

So did he give notice to the school?

Waveysnail · 07/12/2019 13:08

How old is dad?

Waveysnail · 07/12/2019 13:08

Sorry I mean dsd1

SunniDay · 07/12/2019 13:14

If she said she would pay and hasn't and is suppose to pay for the bus and hasn't then your partner could pay and deduct it from his maintenance. Having said that it is just before Xmas and there are lots of extra costs at home and at school so if he can afford to settle the lessons and the bus and pay the usual amount then that would be good of him to do so. In the spirit of peace and good will - and if practice has not improved formally cancel the lessons!

BlueCornsihPixie · 07/12/2019 13:20

Well she owes you half of 2 terms worth of lessons anyway. So she should pay

However your partner should have cancelled the lessons, so he has to take some responsibility.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 07/12/2019 14:54

Music lessons in my DCs school are by a private tutor and payment is between them and the parents so the school mightn’t even have known there was a debt until it came to the end of the term and the tutor spoke to them after receiving no payment.

JKScot4 · 07/12/2019 15:28

Why is she in debt to the bus? Your DH should deduct the bus fares from maintenance and pay it direct to school, his DD shouldn’t suffer because her mother is hopeless.

Thatagain · 07/12/2019 15:43

No point in reasoning. YABU as it really shouldn't be an issue. Who pays for what when dsd are involved is a massive intrusion in the child's life. Can I pay.

Niki93 · 07/12/2019 15:51

Sounds like the ex wife has been crafty and pushed her boundaries to see how much she can get away with not paying. And thought that would continue, and when you’s have said no, shes spat her dummy out. So over all, you are not being unreasonable. Ex wife’s choice is to pay for the next term if she isn’t happy with yours and other halfs choice. Simple