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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a step parent one .....

88 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 11:14

OH and his Ex wife agreed to go halves on music lessons for DSD1 for one term.

Ex Wife then never paid so we paid the full amount. FIL then paid for a second term.

DSD1 had some Christmas money and we found her a second hand instrument which she paid for herself with her money.

DSD1 then didn’t do any practice on said instrument which was noted in teachers comments the first term we paid for and the second term FIL paid for and we said we were not paying for a third term because she was not putting in the effort needed.

Ex wife has now informed us that (somehow?) DSD1 has continued attending the lessons and the school are now chasing her for the money, we told her and DSD1 we would not be paying for them.

AIBU to think this is not our responsibility?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 09:35

H

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 09:38

As I have already said he pays £500 a month which is in line with CMS and he pays for two mobile phone contracts and £20 a month child savings things.

Also shoes and school uniform on a regular basis, coats, school bags and clothes in general when then turn up with nothing.

She didn’t pay the school bus for over a term and is over £300 in debt. We know this because they rang and asked us for the money and we refused. She works full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 09:40

And she was warned. I initially taught her some basics as I used to play same instrument and told her that I used to practice for an hour a day and she would heed to do 1/2 hour a day minimum.

He is in the forces so is based there, it’s not weird at all Hmm

OP posts:
Lulualla · 08/12/2019 09:46

Are you seriously companing about buying clothes and shoes for when they are at yours? That's part of being a parent. Its not up to the mum to send clothes with them every time they stay. Your husband gets a discount in CMS for overnight, and that's because he is meant to provide for them during those overnight. He should have clothes etc for them. I wouldn't send a suitcase every time my kids went to stay either, because then I'd end up with a suitcase of dirty clothes to wash. That's his job.

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2019 09:49

I understand why you wanted to cancel the lessons. Did you contact the school to cancel them? Did she say she would?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 09:51

Clothes full stop. Not just for ours.

She actually sends a suitcase of filthy clothes which I wash and send back. Her washing machine apparently broken for several months now but before that it was the same anyway.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 08/12/2019 09:59

If EX wanted DH to be more involved with the children, she shouldn’t have dragged them so bloody far away, should she?

YANBU

rookiemere · 08/12/2019 10:01

Your OH should pay the bus fares and music lessons then deduct the amount from the monthly payment. Then he should speak to his own DD and see if she actually wants to continue with the music lessons - if she doesn't he rings the school and cancels them, if she does then you both have a decision to make in the knowledge that you will be paying for them.

It's clear you resent money spent on these girls- and to be fair the payments sound reasonable and his ex sounds like a waste of space - but it's not fair on the DDs that they can't get the school bus because it's not paid for. Maybe DH could set up payment directly to the school for this and again possibly take out of maintenance payments.

Lulualla · 08/12/2019 10:03

A minute ago they were turning up with nothing so you had to buy clothes (which is fair). But now they're actually turning up with a full suitcase and you need to wash it... so not "turning up with nothing".

Get your story straight.

As I said, the mum isn't doing good here and she should now deal with the consequences of the debt for buses and lessons, but you clearly know what she's like and if you wanted lessons to stop then your husband should have discussed it with the school.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 08/12/2019 10:05

Oh I’ve realised who you are. Waste of time giving any advice here.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 10:06

Its not a “story” Hmm

They turn up with a suitcase, sometimes it’s practically empty and sometimes it’s full of dirty clothes. They have often accidentally come with their mother’s unwashed underwear 🤢

I don’t resent paying our way, I resent the bottomless pit of money that we are supposed to be, and the guilt placed upon us for stuff like the bus.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 10:08

Oh I’ve realised who you are

Unless you know me personally IRL, no you don’t “know” me.

How absolutely bitchy and unpleasant.

OP posts:
Aderyn19 · 08/12/2019 10:17

I'm with the OP. Amazing how people will turn themselves inside out trying to justify the behaviour of a woman who's moved her kids to the other side of the country from their dad, sends them to their dad's with either no clothes or dirty clothes, doesn't pay for their school bus, doesn't pay her share of joint costs (despite promises). She has day to day responsibility for those children (which was her choice when she moved them do bloody far away) and it's on her to deal with the school.
She sounds neglectful imo.

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2019 10:30

I'm not justifying her behaviour it's just not relevant. Who cancelled the lessons?

Did you Op? Or did you expect this woman who you portray as useless, incompetent and disorganised, bordering on neglectful, to do it?

Dollymixture22 · 08/12/2019 10:32

I think most parents are seen as bottomless pits of money😂. £500 a month for two kids isn’t a lot. Food alone is a nightmare (I assume they are teens).

But on the music lessons, she should have practiced, and her parents should have realised she wasn’t practicing. I know it’s hard with the distance but your husband needs to try and be a bit more hands on.

When I did music lessons my parents had to sign every week to say I had practiced. If she spent her own money on an instrument it seems odd she wasn’t practicing.

It’d always left to the women to wonder and complain about these things, but your husband is the parent here. He needs to communicate more with the school and more with his children,

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 10:35

£500 is quite good I think, I got less for 3 children.

My sons father has paid me £40 a week since he was born, he is now 17. Father of my other two gave me £300, which everyone thought was fantastic Hmm

OP posts:
itsmecathycomehome · 08/12/2019 10:43

"Your DH really should have contacted the school and informed them the lessons weren’t required anymore."

No I don't think that op or her dp should have contacted the school to cancel the lessons actually.

Just because they decided that they wouldn't pay for any more lessons, didn't mean that their mum wouldn't disagree and maintain payments regardless.

If they told the child's mum that they wouldn't be paying for any more, then that was all they needed to do.

If they didn't tell her, I think they should pay 50% of the final term as a gesture.

The bus situation is awful. OP, could your dp offer to pay the outstanding bill on the proviso that he pays, and deducts, the bus fare from the CM from now on?

TBH £500pm, plus contributions to bigger purchases like school uniform and music lessons, sounds very fair. Being honest, is their mum struggling because she is feckless, or is she genuinely struggling to manage everything on her wage?

I think mum should be talking to the school. If she is in financial hardship they may have a pupil premium or bursary fund that she can access for bus fare, uniform, music lessons.

Dollymixture22 · 08/12/2019 10:43

Op £40 a week is dreadful. Poor you. How on earth did his dad think that covered anything? Dear good teenage boys cost a fortune.

I think if you resent the money being paid to your husbands children you need separate finances. I think from your post your own children are grown up now and you want to enjoy your money after years of your two ex exes leaving you with the lions share. Totally understandable.

You husband of course has to provide for his children, you don’t. So separate bank accounts and leave the drama to him. You don’t need to hassle, and you don’t seem close to the girls. So take a step back and take a well earned break,

angieloumc · 08/12/2019 10:44

I would pay the bus arrears and take it say £50 pm from CM. It's only the DC that are suffering unable to take the school bus.
IMO £500 isn't a lot of money for 2 DC, I get £750 for one though I appreciate that is because my ex is a fairly high earner and is very generous.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 11:09

What really pisses me off tbf is that Uni loans etc are based on household income which meant my OH wage was counted which really stuffed up my DD.

How is that fair? He’s her stepdad and not financially responsible for her.

I am quite close with my DSDs and was friendly with their mother until I said something (about the neglect) and have spoken to SC on several occasions and we have said to the girls that they can come and live with me (OH would leave the forces).

Their mother hasn’t spoken to me since then and has blocked my phone number, which is understandable.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 08/12/2019 11:13

Your right, it’s not fair. I really don’t understand some of the decision - like also if a dad (or mum) moves in with a new partner who has children the amount they pay towards their own children is reduced.

You are only legally responsible el for providing for your own children, so why is his salary taken into account for your daughters student loan, and your children taken into account for his maintenance payments. Bonkers.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 08/12/2019 11:15

My children aren’t taken into account for his maintenance payments I don’t think.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 08/12/2019 11:23

Cam will reduce maintenance payments if the paying parent lives with children, he payment will be reduced.

I just ran an example, and a parent earning £50,000 a year would have their payments reduced by about £100 a month is they moved into a household that has three kids.

Your husband might not have used the calculator or cms so it might not be taken into consideration.

But it just seems very unfair.

JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 11:28

Father of my other two gave me £300, which everyone thought was fantastic

It’s utterly depressing when the NRP (and let’s face it, it’s almost always the father) does the absolute bare minimum and they’re lauded as some kind of superhero.

SandyY2K · 08/12/2019 11:33

This situation may have been prevented with clear communication in writing from your OH, that he was no longer paying for the lessons, as she hasn't kept to her side of the deal and because DSD isn't putting in the effort, as shown in the report.

If this was done and she still tries to hound him for the money, then he would just forward the messages confirming what he previously said.

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