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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s a step parent one .....

88 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 11:14

OH and his Ex wife agreed to go halves on music lessons for DSD1 for one term.

Ex Wife then never paid so we paid the full amount. FIL then paid for a second term.

DSD1 had some Christmas money and we found her a second hand instrument which she paid for herself with her money.

DSD1 then didn’t do any practice on said instrument which was noted in teachers comments the first term we paid for and the second term FIL paid for and we said we were not paying for a third term because she was not putting in the effort needed.

Ex wife has now informed us that (somehow?) DSD1 has continued attending the lessons and the school are now chasing her for the money, we told her and DSD1 we would not be paying for them.

AIBU to think this is not our responsibility?

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 15:54

He isn’t involved with the day to day school stuff as he lives a long way away from the kids. He does have communication with the school though, normally when the kids haven’t gone in and she hasn’t called in to say why.

We can’t afford to pay for the bus, it’s hundreds of pounds of debt for both kids.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 07/12/2019 16:15

So she went to the lessons? Even though you had told her they were going to stop?

Did the ex-wife know you were stopping them? Did she know she was also still attending?

Livelovebehappy · 07/12/2019 16:49

Sounds like you/DP didn’t actually cancel the extra term. Separate issue to the agreement to pay half each. This is a situation where your DP needs to discuss with ex, as presumably the maintenance and funding his dds extra activities come from his wage, not yours? In which case no need to get involved tbh.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 16:50

We have shared finances - so it’s totally my business actually.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 17:03

And yes they both knew.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 07/12/2019 17:17

It's a very sad situation for the DSCs if they aren't allowed to take the school bus. Is the £500 more or less than recommended by CMS?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 07/12/2019 17:20

Why does he a) live so far away from his DD, and b) not get involved in the school stuff?

Butterymuffin · 07/12/2019 17:25

Don't understand the bus issue? Is this something they have to pay the school for? And has it now been blocked to them because of the outstanding music lessons payment?

Lulualla · 07/12/2019 17:25

Does he pay more or less than CMS?

He lives far away, so he doesn't have any actual serious role in their upbringing? Doesn't help with childcare or homework or day-to-day things? That's all on mum?

He pays for phones... well bravo.

The instrument you bought with her xmas money; which side of the family did that money come from? And was it ok to spend it all on the instrument?

He arranged the lessons with the school, they came after him for payment which means they were given on credit for the entire time. He then decided to stop but didn't tell the school? That's really on him.

Now I appreciate that she was meant to pay half and didn't. She should have been forced too. She's not done a good job here. But you clearly know what she's like so should not have left it up to her. If you dont want to pay for something then you cancel the lessons; dont ask her too or assume she will.

Hereyougosandwiches · 07/12/2019 17:28

£500 isn't much for two DCs.

JacquesHammer · 07/12/2019 17:29

YANBU. She has acted poorly with regards the music lessons - although have you also asked DSD why she continued to attend when you told her she shouldn’t?

Given you’ve paid for lessons thus far, ex-wife should pay the debt and then ensure DSD doesn’t attend any further lessons.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 17:32

Hilarious that £500 isn’t much for two children when you have absolutely no idea how much he earns

OP posts:

rookiemere · 07/12/2019 17:35

So tell us how it measures against CMS calculated amount then

hardyloveit · 07/12/2019 17:45

£500 is a huge amount for two kids. Obviously depending on what they earn but a lot of my friends get £20 a week for theirs!!

Pp can't comment on the amount when they don't know the wage and op isn't obliged to tell us either

Scarydinosaurs · 07/12/2019 17:52

Why did the DSD keep going to the lessons if she knew her dad had stopped paying AND she wasn’t doing her practice?

Techway · 07/12/2019 18:03

It seems that school costs, such as music lesson and buses are expensive. How much per month? Did the mum definitely know that lessons were happening. It could be dsd has played both parents.

There is 2 possible causes here, the mum is feckless or she is struggling financially. I know it is easy to let this stuff wind you up but if your DH pays then let it go. Most parents want to help their children even if its not always fair.
Also if the children are teens, it won't go on forever and peace is always preferable to drama between divorced parents.

Lizzie0869 · 07/12/2019 18:08

I think it sounds as if your DH's ExW is struggling financially. As you don't live nearby and have nothing to do with school stuff (but why doesn't he want to go to parents' evenings?), then presumably she has to do most of the childcare, so money will be tight for her.

breakfastpizza · 07/12/2019 18:08

Who's responsibility is it then? A minor has created the situation, but can't be held liable. Maintenance doesn't include an amount for unauthorised child spends. The disagreement over previous music costs is separate. The only fair thing to do is to split it 50/50.

ColaFreezePop · 07/12/2019 18:16

Your husband needs to send her an email pointing out she agreed to cover half of two terms worth of lessons and as she didn't pay, then she needs to pay the full amount of the last term as it is the same cost.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 19:05

They lived in Scotland when they were married where he is still based.

When she left him she moved to Plymouth.

He sees them EOW and half the school holidays and has flown for parents eves and plays etc.

OP posts:

Lizzie0869 · 07/12/2019 20:06

Okay, I understand now, OP. That must have been very hard for him, and for DSD to have to travel so far EOW.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 20:33

Our house is in the South, he collects them and brings them here, they only travel 2.5 hours.

OP posts:

Lizzie0869 · 07/12/2019 20:42

Okay, that's much better then. My DSis's DSS had a similar set up when his mum moved away to London with her new partner. He stayed with his dad during the week and visited his mum EOW. My DSis was his main carer for a few years, as she was a SAHM with 3 DC of her own in the end.

Her DSS turned out very well. If the adults cooperate well, it's an arrangement that can work.

stuffedpeppers · 07/12/2019 22:37

OP- it is not hundreds of pounds worth of debt to get your DCs to school and be a responsible parent - it is part of getting your DCs to school which their father is as responsible for as their mother.

Sounds like the music lessons are the icing on the cake for you - you resent the monies going out of the family accounts.
He works in Scotland but your home is in the UK 2.5 hours from the DCS - don't understand this

NoooorthonerMum · 07/12/2019 23:11

I think it's two separate issues here. Clearly the mum agreed to pay 50-50 for lessons and hasn't done so so she owes for 1.5 terms of lessons so should really pay the debt for the lessons that's now outstanding.

That said it seems all the organisation is being left to the mum. Dad pays CMS (I hope) and a few extras but 95% of the actual bringing up of the DC is down to mum? Sounds like you decided to quit the music lessons but he didn't bother to do anything about it and just assumed mum would sort it.

I also kind of agree that you should have warned DD that lessons would stop if she didn't practise before just stopping lessons. Some kids take a while to get into the habit of practising.

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