It’s a step parent one .....

[Iamnotagoddess]

OH and his Ex wife agreed to go halves on music lessons for DSD1 for one term.

Ex Wife then never paid so we paid the full amount. FIL then paid for a second term.

DSD1 had some Christmas money and we found her a second hand instrument which she paid for herself with her money.

DSD1 then didn’t do any practice on said instrument which was noted in teachers comments the first term we paid for and the second term FIL paid for and we said we were not paying for a third term because she was not putting in the effort needed.

Ex wife has now informed us that (somehow?) DSD1 has continued attending the lessons and the school are now chasing her for the money, we told her and DSD1 we would not be paying for them.

AIBU to think this is not our responsibility?

Only 1 child left now and he’s nearly 18 so doesn’t apply anymore.

I agree it’s unfair, both ways.

It’s utterly depressing when the NRP (and let’s face it, it’s almost always the father) does the absolute bare minimum and they’re lauded as some kind of superhero

Totally, my mum used to say “at least he has them”

As a NRP you’re supposed to “keep clothes here” for the step kids?

My ds is growing so fast you can practically SEE it! If someone had clothes for him for more than a couple of weeks, they’d never see any wear at all! It’d be a complete waste!

The maintenance covers their accommodation, clothing and food at the barest level.

In op case the ex is neglecting the kids welfare for whatever reason, the lack of bus is worrying and something she needs to come. To an arrangement with the school about

The music lessons are on her too, and the only way she’ll stop racking up debt with the school is if she is held responsible and not continually bailed out.

If she can’t manage this aspect of her lives, seriously the dsd would be better off with their dad for a bit

If DP didn’t contact the school to cancel then YABU and he should pay for the last terms lessons and then make it clear to the school the lessons should now be stopped.

He was foolish to just stop paying and assume the school would cancel them without contacting them.

We do have a wardrobe full of clothes here.

Problem is they disappear, as they don’t have adequate stuff at home.

OP buy the kids clothes from Primark and supermarkets. If they don't like it then they can bring some other clothes from their mother's and take them back with them.

As a PP said do not bail the mother out with either the bus or the music lessons.

Definitely do not screw around with the CMS as she will ensure the full amount plus the "arrears" are taken off your husband's wages.

YANBU.

However YABU for thinking you can post on MN as a stepparent and not automatically be in the wrong, regardless of what you ask.

Our contract is pay for the year, terms notice, so you would have to give notice before Christmas to stop at Easter.

YABU to not give any notice of cancellation. If you’d cancelled them properly, this would not be a problem at all. Regardless of who should be paying, it doesn’t take much just to email/phone and give notice.

YABU not to cancel the lessons: you made the decision for her not to continue with them so why didn’t you let the school know? Another child could’ve been waiting for a space.

The music teacher deserves to be paid for the work she has done. The ex has had two terms to pay up and hasn’t so clearly isn’t going to pitch in.

Pay it and learn from it for next time.

We do buy from Primark.

We bought them some quite expensive coats last year (more than I would have spent on my own DC) which DSD1 kept refusing to wear (she chose the coat!) which really pissed me off tbh. Previously we have supplied coats which have been lost.

DH is on about getting them new coats as they are saying they have grown out of them (they haven’t actually grown that much as they are both adult sized now) but I would kind of like to know that they are too small rather than been lost.

YANBU to not pay for the music lessons, their mum said she would pay some so she can pay for this term.

we pay our way, £500 PM maintenance, contribute towards school uniform and pay for mobiles well that's just bare minimum stuff parenting wise. Also, you say "we pay..." which comes across as though you maybe have joint finances and/or you both pay towards them. But you then moan about his wage being taken into consideration for your daughter's university loans/grants. Does this mean you take some financial responsibility for his children but he doesn't take any financial responsibility for yours?

Don't buy them any coats until the sales and buy them from a supermarket or Sports Direct. Then if they "lose" them you won't be upset about a cheap coat.