Holiday shopping dilemma- who is BU?

[Whenthereslovethereshope]

DH and I just had a row over shopping. I get it that it's not a men's thing but it's a holiday shopping FFS! Meaning, shopping for his DM, our DC, his DNephews and DNieces, my side of family's DNephews and DNieces and a few more people. Literally because of this, majority of this year's shopping is done through Amazon. I am just so sick of this. It ruins the mood and joyful feeling towards the holiday.
DH's leaving early today from work and said he needs to work tonight, again!!! He has been working evenings from past 3 days. We did discuss a week prior that 3 evenings out of 4 he can work and 1 evening after work, we will go for shopping. Of course, tonight is the night and he's saying even though he's leaving work early, we still can't make time to go out for shopping.

How do I deal with this? Any other couple going through something similar? Thank you

But the shopping is something that we can never agree on. Every time for anything we have to go do shopping, he will be in a bad mood.

So I still don't get why you feel you need to do it together
My dh and I have been together 28 years and have never been Christmas shopping together. We split chores in this house. I don't expect him to come out and start cleaning the car or washing the windows because I think they need doing. He doesn't expect me to come out and start cutting the hedge if it is something he is doing. I just don't get this need to "do stuff together"

I have mentioned there are a few things we just need to go and get it physically. Like stuff for stockings and all.

So pick them up with your supermarket shop or - as you say you like to be organised - go and get whatever it is you put in the stockings, in October, before the crowds kick in. Why does this need to be a job for two people ??

If Christmas is something you enjoy as a leisure activity then surely you can shop for your side of the family that way. Personally I hate it and see it as a chore so get everything online. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

YABU
If he wants to order stuff online, he can
If you enjoy going to actual shops, you can
I loathe shopping and am so pleased that, as a family, we agreed years ago to stop exchanging unnecessary Christmas presents.
So much stress, but not any more

So it's not a case of you want him to come along Christmas shopping to feel all warm and Christmassy? It's a case of he's mooding and grumping for the few bits that have to be bought in a store and it's less about creating a warm fuzzy feeling bit more about not being on edge and anticipating an angry arsey mood from him when he's required to pull his weight with the non optional shopping for his own children and would rather you just did it all yourself rather than expect him to pull his weight?

I don't think youre unreasonable to expect a grown adult man to be able to share the responsibility of shopping for his own children and family. You both work full time and him having children to organise for us even MORE reason why he shouldn't be huffing about giving them a Xmas. A woman expecting her husband to do take on the role of planning, buying and wrapping her children's gifts and getting the arse because they have to go to a few shops and moods at him when he asks her to do some of the harder stuff for her own children would be told she's an arsehole and that she is very lucky her husband does all this for his stepchildren.

I know you love your stepchildren, but do you really think he'd fuck up their xmas and put them in a position to be heartbroken? If he didn't have a wife to do it for him would he be angry at having to do it all himself? I'm guessing he manages to organise and plan his time at work efficiently? If he can do it there he can do it for his children. It's what parents do. What did he do before he met you? If he managed it then surely he should be appreciating the fact his workload RE his own children's Xmas has reduced and sick up the bits he doesn't like doing?

There's a few men in my family like this, my brother has no idea what his children get until he sees them open their stuff in xmas day, he takes cards into work for his colleagues that his wife has spent an hour writing out for him, the men sit and drink beer while sil and other women are on the kitchen cooking or watching the children and then posts pictures of himself wiping a fucking table and getting "what a great husband you are?" His wife works longer hours than him as well and earns a lot more too. Fuck that for a laugh.

What kind of.presents can only be bought in store and not online, especially as they're only stocking presents?

I don't think you should have to do his shopping op but if he really doesn't want to go to the shops why can't he buy stocking fillers on line, even if it means he has to adjust what he buys so that he can buy it on line?

I'm really not getting why he must go to the shops with you.

I would none of his shopping for him. I think you'll find as long as he knows you'll do it, he won't.

Why don't you online shop Xmas like most people do. Hours in hot crowded shops full of stressed people isnt enjoyable. He can do his online. You're not joined at the hip. Extra Xmas food etc you can either add bits to your weekly shop well in advance or do a one off v late night when it's quiet. If you enjoy actual shopping do yours in person but don't expect him to enjoy the same things you do.

I do 90% of my Christmas shopping on line. The rest I get up early and am at the shops as the doors open when still relatively quiet. Anyone wanting to drag me round crowded shops as some kind of shared leisure activity would get short shrift from me. I had cause to go to a large town last weekend, not for shopping thankfully but I had to cut through the main shopping area. Horrific. Crowds moving at snails pace as a mass through pedestrianised areas. I remember thinking "I'm so happy I am not having to shop in this!" Awful.

I just don’t get why you’re insisting he does his shopping your way.

I quite like a Christmas trip. The lights and music, cold air on your cheeks! Market food and hot chocolate

So do I, and all the better if no shopping is involved. It's obvious that the OPs problem is that she's trying to turn the chore of Christmas shopping into a fun couples activity, which it's never going to be when one party isn't interested.

So that's why people are suggesting that they shop online like normal people. There's nothing to stop them going for a wander to see the Christmas lights, a carol concert, getting a snack together at a Christmas event, or whatever is on locally, but why spoil it by including shopping as part of the experience? I bet the OP is also one of those women who insists her DH goes clothes shopping with her and then trails behind her getting in everyone's way because he doesn't want to be there.

You buy for our family in the shops. He buys for his online.

You discuss your dc presents and allocate who will buy what, some in the show, some online.
Simple really.

If you are saying your DH must come shopping in shops with you because it.is Christmas, then YABU. My work is manic up.to Christmas and I do all my Christmas shopping online if at all possible.

If you want a Christmasy type outing, think of a fun one together but going shopping at Christmas with a list and a deadline is a recipe for me being grumpy so I understand your DH.

I thought from your OP you were off on holiday somewhere.I did wonder where you were buying shorts and swimwear from in the middle of December!

Ellie in some parts of the world December is very hot and in other parts of the world people call the Christmas season the 'Holiday season' because as the Canadian OP said, it's "happy holidays" instead of Happy Christmas.

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable.

I think it's shit that so much of the Christmas preparations fall to women, even if they are working as much as their partners.

He needs to suck it up and help. It's one night a year.

He also needs to help with the wrapping and decorating too.

I thought from your OP you were off on holiday somewhere.I did wonder where you were buying shorts and swimwear from in the middle of December

Oh come on people, it's pretty obvious from the OP that she's talking about buying gifts for people and you'd have to have had a very sheltered upbringing to not know that some countries call the various winter celebrations 'the holidays'. It's not like we don't see any films or TV programmes produced in North America in the UK is it?

Of course he needs to do his share, and he is doing, it's just that he's done it online, not in person, like the OP wants.

It's like her complaining that he doesn't do his share of vacuuming, because she thinks it needs doing every hour on the hour and he thinks that a couple of times a week or following any spillages is sufficient.

Let him shop for his relatives how he wants to. It's off your to do list.

The solution to this problem is for you both to buy for your own side, separately, in the manner you wish. He's BU expecting you to have any responsibility for presents for his side, you're BU to insist it has to be some joint experience involving physical attendance instead of online purchasing.

Agree with this. Stop being a martyr, OP. He will get presents for HIS kids and DM.

He should buy all the gifts for his side of the family. Expecting you to do it is unfair and sexist, especially when you too work FT. Ditch the wifework!

It’s early December so just remind him he’s responsible and inform him you won’t be doing this for him: he has plenty of time to organise things.

I don’t think YABU. He could sacrifice one day to help you do this. I agree too many men don’t pull their weight around Christmas time. Let him buy for his family and you just go out shopping for yours. Perhaps you can be ‘working’ next time some chore needs doing op, and leave him to it. Amazon and online shopping also is closing down the high streets, Amazon poor tax payers etc so in addition, unethical.

Please don’t apologise for using the term ‘holiday shopping’, OP. It was perfectly clear what you meant, but for some reason you got a lot of disingenuous faux naïveté from people who assumed you were trying to be ‘woke’, and who find it hard to understand that some posters live in countries where a diversity of December traditions has long been recognised.

YANBU at all, really; you’ve already said that you do most shopping online, but I agree that there are always a few bits that need to be picked up from an actual shop, and there’s no excuse for your husband being a prick about this, especially when it involves his children. It’s easy for other people to say “Let him do his side himself,” but very hard to do it if there’s a real chance he’ll end up letting people down on the day.

What is it you're buying that requires a separate trip rather than online or added to the supermarket shop OP? Is it essential?

Personally, I wouldn’t want to spend the time with someone who was so disagreeable to the whole concept of Christmas shopping that they dragged my mood down and from what you’ve said it’s a reoccurring issue.

My DH is right old grumpy git about Christmas - what he hates is the prescriptive side (never been keen on conformity!).
We have refined the process over time. I do the thinking (which I enjoy so no issue there) and then we have a discussion about those ideas and come to a (rough at times) decision. Sometimes we’ll have a planned trip to the shops but only if I know what we’re buying - browsing would drive him up the wall (even if he were shopping for himself, he needs a plan).

Personally, I’d readjust my expectations and try to come up with a compromise.

The best way we’ve found is to pick a weekend and destination and book a hotel. We get away from the mundane realities of life and it feels like a treat.

With different shops to explore, a hotel breakfast , coffee shops and a nice meal in the evening (food features heavily !) Its a lot less full on and stressed than ramming it into a busy evening , when you’re worn out after work plus if we can mix in a bit of sightseeing then great.

"I get that it's not a men's thing"

Buying into gender stereotypes is your first problem. Stop taking responsibility for your manchild of a husband and leave him to crack on with his own shopping.

I've said this before but my dh always wants to go Xmas shopping on Xmas eve and believes he is in a Richard Curtis movie, that we will find artisan jewellery and pottery, it will snow, and there will be hot chocolate and chestnuts.

It is always fucking awful and a scram to but a billion batteries for the tat we end up getting. This year it is Amazon all the way, it's wrapped and labelled. If he wants to go I shall wish him well, open the Bellini, and watch a film.