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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday shopping dilemma- who is BU?

112 replies

Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 20:24

DH and I just had a row over shopping. I get it that it's not a men's thing but it's a holiday shopping FFS! Meaning, shopping for his DM, our DC, his DNephews and DNieces, my side of family's DNephews and DNieces and a few more people. Literally because of this, majority of this year's shopping is done through Amazon. I am just so sick of this. It ruins the mood and joyful feeling towards the holiday.
DH's leaving early today from work and said he needs to work tonight, again!!! He has been working evenings from past 3 days. We did discuss a week prior that 3 evenings out of 4 he can work and 1 evening after work, we will go for shopping. Of course, tonight is the night and he's saying even though he's leaving work early, we still can't make time to go out for shopping.

How do I deal with this? Any other couple going through something similar? Thank you

OP posts:
vivacian · 05/12/2019 22:04

Make him help choose his family gifts online.

No, no, no. What is happening to MN at the moment?

Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:06

Oh god! We both shop online. More so me than him. I help him with his family gifts. Literally ordered his DM, a portable steam cloth cleaner. I do that all the time. The problem is not online shopping. We know it exists and we do it all the time. So kindly stop suggesting the online shopping. I have mentioned there are a few things we just need to go and get it physically. Like stuff for stockings and all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:11

It just every time we go, DH starts being edgy and moody. I have dealt with it in the past and still am but as every one has put it, he's f**king grown man. Learn to control your emotions when you're out doing a chore, like Christmas shopping. All good every where else in our relationship. It is just the shopping. Even grocery shopping is fine. DH loves to cook so will gladly make the list and go for groceries but all hell gets loose if it is any other kind of shopping.

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 05/12/2019 22:12

I’m with you op. I like a bit of Christmas shopping, but there’s nothing worse than going with someone who sucks the joy out of it. I think I’d prefer to go on my own.

shiningstar2 · 05/12/2019 22:15

Hi op. I think I know where you are coming from. I have been married 45 years and for many years I felt a bit like you. I would look enviously at other young couples choosing things together at Christmas whereas if I tried that I would be trailing the shops with a totally disengaged man, which often ended in a row.
After much wasted time and argument, after reading a book which has long been lost, I came to a different perspective.
One paragraph in this book has stayed with me for the past 35 years. It basically said that if you were very lucky you may find that the man you married/your partner was 95% what you had hoped when you committed and again, if you were very lucky, he might feel the same about you. You could chip chip chip away at that last 5% all the rest of your lives and never change that final 5%...or you could just thank God/the universe/fate whatever that you were pretty much great together and just let go of that last bit.
Now this is only relevant if you are lucky and he is lucky with that 95%. If you are, this might be worth a thought. I decided in the grand scheme of things that the shopping irritation was that 5% I just had to let go ...I never asked him what 5% he had let go about me Grin Worked for us. Good luck op.

Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:16

Okay I think I exaggerated a bit there with my comment 'all hell gets loose'. He doesn't start shouting or anything like that. It just it gets me in a bad mood and then I can't shop.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/12/2019 22:16

I don't shop online for ethical and other reasons (I like local shops) unless the item I want is not available any other way. I also do not shop for his relatives. Not my job.

I don't have a set time of the year that I buy gifts. I have a gift stash that I add to when I see things that I know people will like. Rarely are these things from shops; mostly they are from art and craft markets. Saves worlds of pain.

fedup21 · 05/12/2019 22:20

The expectation is for sure that I do it all by myself.

Then just don’t.

Tell him you’re not buying stuff for his kids and his mum with him as he’s such a mardy arse and he can do it on his own in future.

Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:20

@Cherrysherbet I didn't think I would find any poster here that would agree or feel anywhere close to what I am feeling. Thank you for your comment.

@shiningstar2 that is adorable. Thank you for sharing your insight. It is actually worth it. I am going to think about the 5%. I love him to pieces. It is not end of the world of course. It just I want him to be a bit more engaging and understand. I feel a bit better, thank you!

OP posts:
JacobReesClunge · 05/12/2019 22:23

The solution to this problem is for you both to buy for your own side, separately, in the manner you wish. He's BU expecting you to have any responsibility for presents for his side, you're BU to insist it has to be some joint experience involving physical attendance instead of online purchasing.

I'd also suggest absolutely minimising the number of presents either of you need to buy.

Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:26

@YetAnotherSpartacus agree. I think I should start doing the same. Respect your ethical views as well.

@fedup21 it is so tempting sometimes but I don't want to see our kids (sorry they're hi kids but I hate not to call them mine as I am their step mum so apologies in advance if it creates any confusion) heartbroken if DH couldn't get them anything or something that they would have liked. Same for his DM. She's really nice. I don't see why I wouldn't shop for her or the kids. I just him to understand that this is something that needs to be done. I am not asking him to be all smiles but definitely accommodate and share some responsibility and don't bring me down and kill the mood.

OP posts:
VirginiaCreeper · 05/12/2019 22:26

I thought this was about going to book a holiday.
I do all the shopping for both sides of the family, mostly without leaving the house, have done for 40 years. I just think you divide up the jobs and do some each, what is the point of both of you doing it.
I'm with shiningstar2 on this one.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 05/12/2019 22:27

My DP and I have completely different shopping styles. I am a planner, like to get things in advance, plus work in the city centre so can pick things up in my lunch break. DP will get up early on Christmas Eve, spend three or four hours in town, then wrap that night. It used to drive me nuts, and then we would bicker about me nagging. Now I totally leave him to it, although I do occasionally pick up the odd thing for his family - eg, this year a book I saw I know his mum will like.

The only rule is that he brings back nice food on Christmas Eve for brunch - I have a long lie, then watch Christmas films in my pyjamas until he gets home!

BarbaraofSeville · 05/12/2019 22:28

Why don't you just get the stocking stuff when you do the weekly grocery shop at the supermarket?

No need to turn it into a chore, or do stockings at all if it causes such anguish.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2019 22:30

If you don't actually enjoy it either, do the lot on line (well, your side of it). Are you hanging on to the idea that going shopping for presents ought to be a fun, cute, romantic activity? Lose the idea. Yes, some people enjoy it but most find it hellish. I quite like a run round a little craft fair or market, but hitting the high street is grim, even though I have some ethical issues with buying too much on line.

But you are never going to succeed in forcing someone else to enjoy something they hate and don't want to do. The best you will get is grudging acquiescence, and it's never a good idea to push for that if it isn't absolutely necessary that the person accompanies you.

raspberryk · 05/12/2019 22:36

I go with my brother as he makes me be decisive. DP does his own families presents, I don't care how or when but nothing to do with me. If he doesn't do it it is nothing to do with me.

Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:36

Agree guys, again not forcing my DH to enjoy it, please this is important. I never said anywhere I want him to enjoy the shopping spree. Just want him to accommodate the set plans and not make the whole experience bad just because he doesn't like it.

Appreciate everyone's insights, advice, comments. Signing off here now. Heading home from office. Decided to stay late at work in a huff. Didn't wanna go home to him as today's hopping plans are already ruined. Anway thank you again guys. Much love!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenthereslovethereshope · 05/12/2019 22:38

*Shopping not hopping lol.

OP posts:
Ilovenutellaaaaa · 05/12/2019 22:42

I'm afraid I agree with your husband, why traipse out in the cold around shops when you can get it on Amazon ..it doesn't take any of the Christmas atmosphere away....don't as a couple, stick on Christmas music and chat about what to get each person as you browse Amazon ...much nicer to shop from home in warmth and comfort than be out in the cold

GreenTulips · 05/12/2019 22:46

I quite like a Christmas trip. The lights and music, cold air on your cheeks! Market food and hot chocolate.

Plus you find things you wouldn’t normally expect. So nice to see some new things to trends.

I hate kill joys.

Why not tell DH he can arrange the shopping trip and he can let you know when it’s convenient.

thenightsky · 05/12/2019 22:51

Christmas shopping in actual shops is awful. Boiling hot shops then out into freezing air. Loads of people coughing and sneezing over you. No wonder I always used to have colds or 'flu at Christmas time. Last few years I've done it all on line and have managed to stay healthy and actually enjoy the day itself.

MyNewBearTotoro · 05/12/2019 23:01

If you hate the shopping too but there are things you both need I’ve changed my mind and think YANBU. It’s a chore that needs doing and there’s no reason you should have to do it alone, he should just suck it up and go together. For his kids if nothing else.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/12/2019 23:02

I either do Christmas shopping on line or go on Christmas Eve.

I hate shopping

longtompot · 05/12/2019 23:28

I can't think of anything worse than Christmas shopping with my dh. He hates shopping at tne best of times, but add the music, the crowds and all the rest it would tip him over. If your dh is happy to buy things online, then let him do that. Maybe find something you'd both like to do, which is Christmas related, to help you both get into the spirit of it.

CharityConundrum · 05/12/2019 23:30

YANBU - If you hadn't said it was holiday shopping, I think you would have got different answers. Clearly some posters assume that you are thrilled at the idea of wandering around the shops in a festive bubble and dragging your harrassed husband behind you. That overlooks the fact that this is actually a joint chore performed for the benefit of your combined family and that he is making it extra miserable to punish you for asking him to pull his weight.

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