I'm married and my divorced boss kissed me on the cheek which felt electric

[Office9to5]

NC for this. I feel ashamed to say I can still feel his kiss on my cheek since Friday evening. Have worked for him in an open plan office for 6 years, there's always been a strong chemistry between us. We're both early 40's with teenage/university kids. I'm married to a difficult and controlling man, we married too young and stayed together for the sake of the kids. I've felt trapped for years and during that time my boss who's in the Legal profession has often given me good advice about my rights and how to get out of my situation. I never felt a magnetic draw with anyone in my life apart from him. I feel so happy being anywhere near him and love being at work. He walked me to the taxi rank on Friday night after Christmas party and we stood there talking for about 20 minutes and as I was about to go he gave me a hug and a kiss which he never did before, he turned his head towards me as if about to kiss me properly but I turned away in panic even though I wanted to kiss him too. It didn't seem awkward or maybe I got it wrong? He's been on annual leave this week and I don't know how to react when he's back on Monday. He'd usually text in the evenings or when he's off about work stuff or funny Instagram posts etc but the only text I got from his was last night asking if I was OK with him to which I replied of course as I couldn't think of anything else to say! Should I ring him to clear the air or chat on Monday morning or am I imagining the whole thing? He's my perfect soulmate, he sometimes jokes about wishing I wasn't married and he's fed up living on his own! I feel he's wanted more for a long time with other things he's said..... Just to add neither of us had much alcohol on Friday so we were lucid!

Previously I had felt dead inside I think that is the key OP. Don't base your plans to leave on this man, do it because your marriage is making you feel dead inside.

These romantic situations are happening between people all the time,and you have got to get real,and decide what to do about them.

It's wrong to judge people.who find themselves in the Ops situation, because you simply don't know the people involved here.

I don't get why a load of posters are complaining about threads like this, literally click off, nobody's forcing you to read any of this. A lady is in a dilemma and wants to ask the hivemind for help, it's prob not the sort of thing you can casually mention to friends so going anon online can be helpful.
Really weird that there are so many people who seem to feed off putting others down. Have a word with yourselves honestly

Amen, amen @msflibble !!

I'm with @GinDaddy on this. Be in the driving seat of your life.

No situation is ever black and white but if you're feeling a for this guy are, and you seriously arent happy in your marriage then you should leave. For the best.

Maybe this man is the great love of your life. Who knows? But the best way for you to find out is not to start an affair. For so many reasons it is a bad idea, and will mean that you never get any space to get clarity about how you want to go forward with your life.

If your marriage is miserable, then leave. Leave with honour and dignity and live alone for a while. Let your kids get used to their family changing and give yourself time to recover from what will inevitably be a tough time. It sounds like your marriage needs to end regardless of your boss and your feelings for him, and even if it is something that really needs to happen, it will be hard going for a while.

Once you feel that you are recovered and your kids don't need your support (because divorce can hit older kids hard too) then maybe you will want to pursue a relationship with your boss, or maybe not. Maybe he just enjoys a bit of office flirtation and it's all just fun to him, or he meets someone else and is happy with them, any number of things may happen, but there is no real hurry is there? As a side issue, does your employer have a policy about this kind of relationship? Would you be willing to move jobs or departments to avoid problems? How would you cope if you got together and then had to work together after a messy breakup?

I'm not painting scarlet letters on anyone, but I do think it's a good idea to sort your own life out first and make it as good as it can be, before starting a new relationship (and end the old one first). I've seen far too many of my friends leap from one man to the next in the hope that this new one will give then what they need to be happy, and they all seem to end up miserable and disappointed.

Leave your husband and see what happens. I’m willing to bet the man will run a mile if you are suddenly available.

I’ve been married for nearly 40 years. Twice in that time I’ve had powerful, magnetic, attractions to other men both of whom were also married. IF we had been single we would definitely got together and it got as far as a snog with one guy but I realised I don’t want to be a cheater or to lie to my DH and so I stepped away, kept things businesslike and didn’t allow myself to get sucked in. One of the men I lost touch with but I discovered that the other one developed a track record of work place flings which eventually ended his marriage and a subsequent second marriage. I’m glad I didn’t allow my infatuation to let me become the first notch on his belt.

Ahh, how the excuses flow to. If he is as controlling and you are as happy as you say than leave him. Otherwise, its just looking at someone else to blame for your own bad behaviour.
You can meet someone and have feelings , but the actions you take after this will show the kind of person you are. Own it rather than acting like you are the victim and being pushed into it.
I see alot of posters are saying they did the same and were very happy, but what about the people they left behind? Is it ok to F* others over as long as you are happy?

If this is your wake up call, use it to take charge of your life, rather than letting it make a total fool of you.

This. Many women go from one abusive relationship to another. If you're going to change this pattern you need to spend time on your own to work out what is best for you. As it is, you hardly know this man but think he is the answer to your problems. There is a slim chance he might be. There's a good chance he's not all that really. And there is a reasonable chance he will also be abusive because you don't really know him and are falling for him when you're vulnerable.

Leave. I know it's not that simple, but prepare for it and try to do it. If he really is your soulmate and feels the same way, he'll wait until you're ready.

YABU.

@SeditionSue
"Nope. People who write threads like this are not looking for advice or discussion, they want to tell people that they've got a crush and have people get excited for them.
It's adolescent behaviour and a grown woman in a marriage with children needs to be told this, so that she doesn't continue to act like a teenager and make stupid decisions which affect her and other's lives negatively."

Who shit on your chips today love?

When my marriage was coming to an end I was in a similar situation - I developed inappropriate feelings for a man I worked with and I thought he felt the same. It was really hard pushing him away to try and focus because I thought he was this lovely man who was the complete opposite of my ex-H. It turned out he wasn't lovely. He was a complete arse wipe, who when confronted with his actions of continually engineering time alone with me admitted that he just wanted an affair.

Getting divorced was the right decision but not getting involved with him was an even better decision. My point, is don't ignore your feelings - you're feeling this way for a reason and you need to confront the reason why you're feeling this way and deal with it. More importantly don't be fooled by grass is greener syndrome - quite a lot of the time, men will say what they need to get what they want and that's the end of it.

Op take away your boss and imagine being on your own for a few years. Still want to go divorced? Then go ahead.

*get

@MelbaToast that was a very enlightening post and has made me think a lot about my situation, thank you. Maybe there is a bit of the grass is always greener going on particularly as DH was extra moody yesterday. I know what you mean about men saying what you want to hear to get what they want but in my boss's case I'm not sure. He's already divorced, a bit lonely and lives on his own so it's not like he'd be having a sordid affair. Other posters have said I don't know him but I've worked with him for 6 years, have had regular lunches/dinners in all that time and have been away for numerous weekend conferences (all above board and nothing went on!) with him so I think I know him quite well. How long does it take to get to know someone and see their other side away from the office?

OP, you only have one life. Explore this new relationship. You don't know where it might lead.

Other people on here are extremely judgy and clearly have no idea about what it's actually like to be trapped in a bad marriage with kids to a horrid husband. I do. Truly.

Your boss is divorced, available and you are in a very unhappy marriage. Period. Be discreet , but try and work out a plan to exit your marriage as I think that is what will be the ultimate freeing feeling for you.

I've just gone thru something so utterly similar.
Sending you lots of positivity x

I agree with posters that this is less to do with him being your soulmate and more to do with your marriage being terrible. Sort out the marriage (ie leave it) before you throw yourself into another relationship. Your boss could be an awful partner and your split from your DH will be a lot uglier with him in the picture. Plus, your kids will probably hate him for ruining your marriage, when you know that your marriage is crap already.

My dbro split from his wife and moved out of family home into house with OW. A few years later and the OW has dumped him. He has just realised how much better every aspect of his life is, except the romantic aspect, since she left. His exw is nicer to him, his kids are happier, his extended family feel less awkward about it. I would never envisage a situation where it would be a good idea to go from one relationship straight into another if there is a marriage and kids involved.

By all means, leave your husband though and then have a break and think about job hunting so you can pursue the boss! Good luck to you.

@Lushers you're right about the judgemental people who obviously haven't walked in our shoes so don't understand! Sorry to hear you've had a tough time in your marriage but it's good to hear you are out the other end x. There are brighter days to come for both of us that's for sure! You and other posters on this thread have inspired me to do something about my situation once and for all. I always feel a bit down this time of year as I feel another loveless year has passed me by and yet again stuck in the same rut. I'm determined to make changes for the better in 2020!

How long does it take to get to know someone and see their other side away from the office?

If you read this thread OP, you'll see it can take years to get to know someone even if you're with them.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3759006-Partner-slapped-my-arse-in-public-during-an-argument

Other people on here are extremely judgy and clearly have no idea about what it's actually like to be trapped in a bad marriage with kids to a horrid husband. I do. Truly.

It's not really about that. It's not uncommon to be trapped in a relationship. Many people are just making the point that it's better not to go from the frying pan into the fire. It's better to end one relationship before you start another. This other man has shown the OP that there are alternatives - but it doesn't have to be him.

My much younger boss grabbed my tits in a nightclub... ffs

Next day he came to my office very red faced, I just said I think we both should pretend that never happened, and it was never mentioned again

you're right about the judgemental people who obviously haven't walked in our shoes so don't understand

I think you're being a tad dramatic tbh. Most people have been in your shoes. Most people have been in a shit relationship and got the hots for someone else. Not everyone acts on it, or throws a fit if everyone doesn't immediately pile in to say "go for it hun, he's defs your soulmate 4eva".

It's really great that you have decided to do something to change your unhappy life. Good for you! Genuinely. But, fair warning, you will make life harder for yourself and your potential new man if you do it by having an affair and then leaving your H for him. I have literally just witnessed this exact thing happening and it made life miserable for everyone. You definitely do not need any more drama or misery, so it would be sensible to avoid creating it.

Just my view.