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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm married and my divorced boss kissed me on the cheek which felt electric

122 replies

Office9to5 · 05/12/2019 12:20

NC for this. I feel ashamed to say I can still feel his kiss on my cheek since Friday evening. Have worked for him in an open plan office for 6 years, there's always been a strong chemistry between us. We're both early 40's with teenage/university kids. I'm married to a difficult and controlling man, we married too young and stayed together for the sake of the kids. I've felt trapped for years and during that time my boss who's in the Legal profession has often given me good advice about my rights and how to get out of my situation. I never felt a magnetic draw with anyone in my life apart from him. I feel so happy being anywhere near him and love being at work. He walked me to the taxi rank on Friday night after Christmas party and we stood there talking for about 20 minutes and as I was about to go he gave me a hug and a kiss which he never did before, he turned his head towards me as if about to kiss me properly but I turned away in panic even though I wanted to kiss him too. It didn't seem awkward or maybe I got it wrong? He's been on annual leave this week and I don't know how to react when he's back on Monday. He'd usually text in the evenings or when he's off about work stuff or funny Instagram posts etc but the only text I got from his was last night asking if I was OK with him to which I replied of course as I couldn't think of anything else to say! Should I ring him to clear the air or chat on Monday morning or am I imagining the whole thing? He's my perfect soulmate, he sometimes jokes about wishing I wasn't married and he's fed up living on his own! I feel he's wanted more for a long time with other things he's said..... Just to add neither of us had much alcohol on Friday so we were lucid!

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 05/12/2019 12:54

AnneLovesGilbert, you said "You don't think she should leave her husband?"

No - i never said that.

I said that things are complicated and not always black and white.

My mother was in a controlling relationship with threats of violence. She couldn't leave the house aside from going to work. She had young children. She had to carefully plan her escape, and it helped that she had met someone who fell for her and was sympathetic to her issue.

"Leaving her husband" at the time would have meant going to a women's refuge with her young kids. Not everyone has family, or a secret war chest to go and rent an Airbnb, or whatever everyone assumes people have.

Also why the inverted commas around "controlling" - I had directly quoted the OP who said her husband is difficult and controlling. That can make for a tricky process of extrication, and that's assuming your confidence hasn't been bashed by years of belittling.

OP - good luck to you, more power to you, hope you find happiness wherever that lies.

IamaBluebird · 05/12/2019 12:54

@Iamabluebird..

IamaBluebird · 05/12/2019 12:57

Sorry to post there but I just worked out how to tag.. As you were all. Smile

Original poster
Office9to5 · 05/12/2019 13:01

@Berrylove thank you, that's made a lot of sense. I'm not planning on starting an affair but I think last Friday has given me the wake up call that I needed to stop plodding along and to start divorce proceedings instead. TBH it's been along time coming. There won't be any animosity as DH has reached the end of the line with this stagnated marriage. Strangely, I think we'd be ok as friends but just don't work as each other's spouse.

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 05/12/2019 13:05

His wife is having an affair with your dh, OP, so everything will be ok.

Original poster
Office9to5 · 05/12/2019 13:08

@KaptainKaveman he's divorced and lives on his own, I said that in the title!

OP posts:
Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:08

Not you again!

KaptainKaveman · 05/12/2019 13:11

Oh did you OP? I#m so sorry. I guess I didn't read the entire thing as it gave me deja-vu after about three sentences......

Anyway good luck with the affair. I'm sure it'll work out great for all of you.

beelzeboob · 05/12/2019 13:13

OP I probably would call him for a chat to clear the air.
And carefully consider what you want in the long term. Can you honestly imagine spending the next 40 years with your husband? Because if you can’t then it may be time to consider a trial separation

beelzeboob · 05/12/2019 13:14

Sorry cross post

Haworthia · 05/12/2019 13:15

Has anyone said “limerence” yet?

user1497997754 · 05/12/2019 13:17

I would speak to him and go for it to be honest life is to short. You and your hubby are unhappy together so crack on getting divorced. See this guy and see where it leads.....good luck x

GinDaddy · 05/12/2019 13:19

@KaptainKaveman

Was that sarcasm? 3/10.

Tinkobell · 05/12/2019 13:20

Oh right. Well crack on then, leave your DH and get going with your new man If he makes you happy. Good luck!

Original poster
Office9to5 · 05/12/2019 13:22

@GinDaddy no I don't think @KaptainKaveman is capable of sarcasm, they just need to learn to read!

OP posts:
SeditionSue · 05/12/2019 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user152836 · 05/12/2019 13:33

hey OP. My post is gonna go against loads in here but whatever 👍🏻

I was in a relationship and my fiancé was emotionally, physically and financially abusive. He also cheated on me multiple times, 3 times that I know of for sure. Of course, I should have left him, but I stayed because I was stupid. I ended up having an affair with my boss - same electric feelings as you have with yours. I feel them now even just typing that, brings me back to it all. It was lovely, but obviously wrong, despite how my fiancé was treating me.

I ended up dumping my fiancé a while after the affair, and i'd never felt better.

Now i'm not encouraging you to cheat obviously, but my point is, you only get one life, one shot at this. If your husband is controlling and you're unhappy, leave. Your boss has made it clear he's interested in you. And if you see him as your soulmate, even more reason.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/12/2019 13:33

Just leave your crappy husband with your head held high like a grown up.

Kisses and soulmates - just stop. You aren't 16.

If this is your wake up call, use it to take charge of your life, rather than letting it make a total fool of you.

SeditionSue · 05/12/2019 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/12/2019 13:45

eh? come on OP, 'soul mates'- you don't actually know this person, you do know that? you work with them and barely text- what do you know about their real life and their personality. People are very different at work, where they have to be professional, look professional and have to work reasonably hard- doesn't mean they aren't at home behaving like a complete loser. People are attracted to each other all the time OP, it doesn't sound anything particularly out of the ordinary going on here.

WIthout him having said anything to you about his feelings for you, anything you perceive to be between you is quite literally in your mind. Whether it pans out to be something may or may not be the case but there isn't exactly much going on here is there.

I think its no coincedence that this always comes up on here, everyone who is already unhappy in their marriage finds someone representative to latch on to that they think is who they would really want if they were free of their awful marriage. It's 2019 OP, just end your marriage if it's shit, go and date- if you are of the mind you only get one life, i wouldn't go wasting it hopping straight into something with someone else you don't know well outside of work, or you are just going to end up in the same boat in a few years. Leaving a marriage for someone is not the ideal start to a relationship, whatever happy ending stories anyone on here has- he is hardly begging you to end your marriage is he OP, or taking the opportunity after this 'almost' kiss to make his feelings clear.

Leave your DH, then ask him how he feels about you, tell him you think you are soul mates and that you left your DH for him and see what he does. If he is happy to be involved with you while you are with someone, then he's not much of a catch is he..

Original poster
Office9to5 · 05/12/2019 13:47

Yes you are right @FizzyGreenWater and @user152836 I'm grateful that you understand my situation. I'm glad you're happy now and you did the right thing in leaving your abusive fiancé. You understand about the 'electric' feeling, I think I can still 'feel' his kiss on my cheek because there has been no affection in my marriage for at least 4 years now. It's hard to explain but I feel sad and sometimes wonder if DH has had an affair. He's always been very secretive and I've never liked that trait in him. I've got to go now as so much work to do but will log back in this evening.

OP posts:
user152836 · 05/12/2019 13:52

yep, i remember those kisses and can still feel them now if i think long enough. it makes you feel so good! have serious think about what you want because every day that passes is a day you could be truly happy. x

Blueopal15 · 05/12/2019 13:59

These are two separate issues - please deal with them separately ... from one who got very hurt 20 years ago leaving a grim marriage with expectations of someone I knew through work .

Emeraldshamrock · 05/12/2019 14:06

It happens. My Dsis met her DH in work she was in the process of buying her first home with her ex. They'd flirted for months, the left their partners days after a kiss.
My colleague has left her long term partner last year for the supervisor, they seems very happy.
Sometimes it gives you the boost and confidence to see you relationship is crap.
I once had one of those electric feelings it boosted my confidence, I know this person felt it too.
I never considered leaving DP, I'd let myself go badly it gave me the boost to start taking care of myself again, I enjoyed feeling attractive.
I now avoid Mr Electric eyes at the school, he got a bit stalker like.

ElBurroSinNombre · 05/12/2019 14:06

I was in a similar position a few years ago where I started to fantasise about a life with a colleague who I think was flirting with me. I had all sorts of romantic visions about being with this person and incredibly intense feelings about her. In truth she represented the life that I wanted and I wasn't having in my marriage (I was in a controlling relationship) and I projected all sorts of ideas onto her - but really it was all about me not her i.e. it was a fantasy. Previously I had felt dead inside. In short, the whole thing just made me realise that I was terribly unhappy at home and consequently I ended my marriage. I was ripe for having an affair at that time but am so glad that I didn't as I am sure it would have ended badly (like most affairs do) and I am sure that my children would have found out. So I did the right thing and left the marriage - it was the right thing to do.

Six or seven years down the line I am in a relationship with someone else but I now have a much more realistic idea of what being with someone new entails. Life goes on and I am so much happier now.