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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm married and my divorced boss kissed me on the cheek which felt electric

122 replies

Office9to5 · 05/12/2019 12:20

NC for this. I feel ashamed to say I can still feel his kiss on my cheek since Friday evening. Have worked for him in an open plan office for 6 years, there's always been a strong chemistry between us. We're both early 40's with teenage/university kids. I'm married to a difficult and controlling man, we married too young and stayed together for the sake of the kids. I've felt trapped for years and during that time my boss who's in the Legal profession has often given me good advice about my rights and how to get out of my situation. I never felt a magnetic draw with anyone in my life apart from him. I feel so happy being anywhere near him and love being at work. He walked me to the taxi rank on Friday night after Christmas party and we stood there talking for about 20 minutes and as I was about to go he gave me a hug and a kiss which he never did before, he turned his head towards me as if about to kiss me properly but I turned away in panic even though I wanted to kiss him too. It didn't seem awkward or maybe I got it wrong? He's been on annual leave this week and I don't know how to react when he's back on Monday. He'd usually text in the evenings or when he's off about work stuff or funny Instagram posts etc but the only text I got from his was last night asking if I was OK with him to which I replied of course as I couldn't think of anything else to say! Should I ring him to clear the air or chat on Monday morning or am I imagining the whole thing? He's my perfect soulmate, he sometimes jokes about wishing I wasn't married and he's fed up living on his own! I feel he's wanted more for a long time with other things he's said..... Just to add neither of us had much alcohol on Friday so we were lucid!

OP posts:

Beveren · 06/12/2019 07:58

I assume he is divorced because he cheated on her, with the one before OP.

Evidence, @Longfacenow?

Beveren · 06/12/2019 07:59

Keep away from your boss, sort out leaving your controlling husband, have a break from relationships and then rethink. Don't rush into the arms of the first man that turns up.

BeatriceTheBeast · 06/12/2019 08:11

Well put beveren.

madam all the 'horrible' people who dare to disagree that this is the OP's soulmate, fairy tale prince charming, (although who knows? After splitting with her husband, she might find he is, but finding out by having an affair, hedging her bets a bit, before leaving her husband does not a fairytale make imo), have given the op the exact same advice you have.

doublebarrellednurse · 06/12/2019 08:25

Exit affairs are still affairs. Not a moral high ground.

Let it be the shining beacon of all things that your marriage is over and move on. You'll be fine and in a much better position in the divorce if it's not for infidelity and your relationship with your kids won't be forever clouded with the fact you Cheated on their dad.

Lushers · 06/12/2019 08:28

@Office9to5 message me? I would love to help you/ talk about it sometime if that would help you

Vanhi · 06/12/2019 12:38

Christ, it’s not always so easy in real life is it?! You don’t just decide your marriage is unhappy and leave. I would like to do this. But we literally cannot afford to live apart. [...] So it bugs me when people say leave like it’s that simple.

I think the majority on MN know it is difficult to leave, especially if like the OP the relationship is abusive. There are many resources on the relationships board for people in her situation, including links to organisations that can help. If it sounds glib when people say it on here I just take it as a shorthand for "it will be difficult but there is help available, you can find links here..."

To be realistic literally the only way I could leave was if I left our house and went straight to someone else’s! I’d love time and space to work it all out but life just doesn’t work like that all the time, does it

And then what happens if, as it turns out, that other person isn't really your soulmate? What if they too are abusive or just boring when you're in the humdrum reality of it. What if your work crush actually runs a mile at the thought of getting it together and moving in with someone he hardly knows, plus her children? This is why people are saying sort out the relationship you're in before moving in. Not that it is easy to do, but that it beats the alternatives. If you move in with someone because you can't stand the last one and this one seems better, you're in a very vulnerable situation all over again.

I get that it's difficult. I don't think people are advising the OP to leave the marriage first because they're mean, or killjoys. I think they're doing it so that she doesn't rush from one problem straight into another.

Schwibble · 06/12/2019 14:35

He's your boss. He has the power to sack you if he wants to. Then you'd have no job, no marriage or relationship. I'd be very wary about getting involved with him.

Original poster

Office9to5 · 04/05/2020 23:20

UPDATE
In case anyone remembers this thread I thought I'd update you...
This is not the outcome I expected but I'm glad I took the advice of posters on here. DH persuaded me to try couples counselling in Feb, I wasn't keen but gave it a go. The first 2 sessions brought out a lot of anger and blame in both of us but surprisingly by the 3rd session we could actually tolerate each other so much that we went for dinner afterwards and had a good time. This shocked us!

Then the lock down happened with all of us at home for weeks together like everyone else is right now. He's changed completely from how he used to be, no controlling or domineering or losing his temper. I guess this is due to the counselling. I'm hoping he's not acting as we're starting to like each other again. I'm still working for my electric boss but after rereading this thread a few times I decided in Jan that nothing would happen with him. It would just complicate matters and tbh looking back now I'm so glad. If anyone is going through similar marriage woes I would advise trying counselling as it's worth a go. I'm not sure if this marriage will continue to improve but it's a lot better than it was this time last year.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 04/05/2020 23:41

Is this a new thing lately? Women either considering or having an affair, coming on MN & if we aren't all soppy Mills & Boon awwww about it, they switch - looking for an army against the so old-fashioned folk who say yeah, leave your H if he's so bad before moving on etc

I'm beginning to think it's the same person or at least same few people, touch of the deja vu about it.

OP your H is controlling, MN is vicious 🤔. OK.

Pursue an affair if you want. You're an adult, your choice, and seeking further conversation from him about 1 kiss will pave the way.

Not sure how that'll work out with a recently divorced bloke on 1 side of you & a difficult husband on the other tho.

I might look out for your new post.

MashedSpud · 05/05/2020 00:04

Sorry but electric boss makes me think of Electro Boy in The Mighty Boosh.

JamieLeeCurtains · 05/05/2020 00:10

Erm ... The OP is still in her marriage. See her update.

Northernsoullover · 05/05/2020 00:14

I really hope it continues to improve. This is a good update. I'm glad you didn't pursue anything. Even if your marriage doesn't work out in the long run you have certainly worked at it.

Joker123 · 05/05/2020 00:15

I think you missed it @DeeCeeCherry 🙄

HotCrossBungle · 05/05/2020 00:16

Don't want to piss on your chips but barely any time has passed since your 3 sessions of counselling. It's pretty easy to 'behave yourself' when it's all fresh.

I hope things work out for you OP but years controlling and domineering behaviour don't suddenly switch off after a few counselling sessions. Just be careful.

Samtsirch · 05/05/2020 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2020 00:25

Office9to5 I am glad things are better and I hope they will continue to improve.

All the best.

Nsky · 05/05/2020 00:25

I hate ti challenge stuff, I left my ex nearly 20 years ago, hoped to meet someone else in that time, never the right person, yet done so much.
Def the right decision tho

GinDaddyRedux · 05/05/2020 08:43

Hey @Office9to5 I remember you from your original post in Dec and I replied early in the thread (this is my new account).

Massive respect to you for trying something here and having the self awareness to safely explore your feelings aloud without hurting someone.

Try and filter out the hordes of bitter posts from people who believe even thinking it is grounds for divorce. There are a lot of folk who have been singed by something that happened to them or a friend. Not everyone is the same and judges before helping.

Original poster

Office9to5 · 07/05/2020 12:34

@GinDaddyRedux thank you and I remember you also as you gave good advice! Your're right it's good to filter out bitter posts and thankfully not everyone is judgemental!

OP posts:

Hennypenny95 · 07/05/2020 12:57

Happy to read your update, OP. Wishing you both the very best for the future.

Original poster

Office9to5 · 07/05/2020 13:48

@Hennypenny95 thank you!

OP posts:

Ohdearyme72 · 25/08/2024 15:56

5 yrs on - how did this end?

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