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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did I miss the memo?

81 replies

llamalana · 02/12/2019 23:38

DH and I have been together 16+years, married for 11 with three children and live in an older home which we always intended to do up when we had more money and time. While we wait for that or if we have visitors coming to stay, I paint rooms and try and declutter or add furniture etc to make our home comfortable/ less of an eyesore. DH is not especially practical or handy. Things are starting to fall apart somewhat (2 kitchen drawers broken, bathroom cupboard doors broken, curtain linings in rags etc) and I am patiently waiting for DH to finish some of these projects as he makes a start, buys special tools to support work but rarely completes jobs so we now have half fixed cupboard doors lying against walls, kitchen drawers on work surface in kitchen until I got fed up and moved them to bedroom to get them out of the way etc. Yesterday he said that he doesn't know what is a priority for me so he isn't clear on what to finish. (And is therefore just not finishing anything.) I am a bit startled as I was operating from point of view that we both own house, both can see jobs that need doing and surely we just crack on and do those jobs and if we're both doing that with that mindset, eventually lots of these loose ends will just be completed. I wasn't aware that he was looking to me to prioritise this for him. Am I going nuts? Or could I expect that as a grown man he could decide to complete the jobs that need doing? I genuinely don't want to be the one in charge of directing how our house maintenance plays out, I was after an equal partnership. I feel like I missed the memo that said I should be deciding about and directing this. (BTW, I would be more than happy to outsource whatever needs doing but DH buys tools, makes a start and then....)

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 03/12/2019 07:50

But so far you haven't mentioned that you've done anything more challenging than slapping up a bit of paint, which is the simplest of all DIY tasks. Oh and buying furniture and decluttering, which isn't DIY at all!
I would take it room by room, sharing each task as you go along. This way, you each get involved in the easier tasks and the harder ones, and having someone to work through new challenges with is really helpful.

springcomeround · 03/12/2019 07:55

I would guess he has bitten off more than he can chew ...can’t finish the task he’s started and is prevaricating as he’s worried about your reaction and embarrassed that he can’t do something .

I’m useless at DIY ... my husband is very good at it .... what looks like simple tasks often aren’t if precision is required

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2019 07:58

Well as I couldn't cope with living with kitchen drawers in the bedroom there would most definitely be a list.
Then a discussion 're time frame. That not being kept to would result in a professional being booked.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 03/12/2019 07:58

I’m with you, he is being a child and forcing you to take responsibility. Very convenient for him. I doubt he genuinely can’t prioritize, more like can’t be arsed. I would suggest that he makes a list of all the jobs he can see needs doing, make an estimate of how long it would take to complete each one and try to rank them in order of priority. I would be happy to go over it with him and help him once he was done but I sure as hell wouldn’t be taking responsibility and giving him nice little manageable jobs.

billybagpuss · 03/12/2019 07:59

Oh god this is my DH too, every single job he does starts with a trip to screw fix, probably to buy something we already have multiple of in the garage and it takes weeks.

The day I asked him to wash the kitchen floor in our old house (less than 2 square m of floor space) we acquired a mop and bucket, apparently a cloth and washing up bowl was insufficient, and of course did we have anywhere suitable to store the mop and bucket? nooooooo!!!

Mix56 · 03/12/2019 07:59

Just give him a list.
I have one of these. Take the road of least resistance.
Refuse any new half arsed projects, until the current ones are done
(Get the kitchen drawers done first !)

Walkaround · 03/12/2019 08:00

Take advantage of him being a twat - tell him kitchen drawers to be fixed by X December; bathroom cupboards by Y December. I'm not sure what you are expecting him to do with the curtains? Is one of his tools a sewing machine? If so, tell him to fix the curtains while the days are still short - so all to be done by end Feb at latest. Then tell him to finish a task in future before he starts another one, and to complete any task he starts within 2 weeks.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/12/2019 08:05

Fuck me, is this what marriage has come to these days? A constant battle.

Whatever happened to people "just getting stuff done"!

DonPablo · 03/12/2019 08:16

Fuckim irritating, pushing it all back in to you with a helpless whine of I don't know what to do.

Bullshit.because either you end up saying do this or actually doing it yourself. I'd be inclined to ask him how he wants to proceed here. Adult up and get some shit done. Or swap roles or get someone in. But this crappy I am helpless shite isn't one of the ways forward.

deste · 03/12/2019 08:33

What I used to do was start on the job getting all the tools out etc. Whenever I did that my DH would then take over. Tell him the kitchen needs doing before Christmas, no ifs or buts.

CanIHaveADrink · 03/12/2019 08:35

He is pushing you to take responsibility for the work. If you give him a list, you will be the one in charge. You wont be able to grumble if x or y hasn’t been done because you didn’t ask for it. And if you do ask but ‘too much’ he will go in a mood because you are clearly unreasonable to ask for so much.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like it so he is trying to avoid it. Or maybe he is uncomfortable because he knows his job isn’t great and feels he ought to be able to do (see the fact he isn’t handy and he is a man - all that conformity bollock). In some ways it doesn’t matter.

I would tell him exactly what you’ve told us. That you are partnership and you being the project manager wasn’t part of the deal. He is a grown man, he shouod be able to do the stuff that needs doing wo mummy behind his back telling him what to do.

carolinelucaseshandbag · 03/12/2019 08:39

I hear you, OP!
I know what I am and am not able to do. Things that involve drilling etc, I'm not (issues with coordination, fine motor etc). DH is adamant that he is able to do these tasks, so refuses to get a handy person in, then...doesn't do them! But when I get cross about it, he'll claim that I haven't done x y z prep (usually I have), or he wasn't aware I was in such a rush to get it done (?!). It drives me CRACKERS!
YANBU!

CanIHaveADrink · 03/12/2019 08:39

I’m quite amazed at the number of answer saying that the OP shouod organise someone to come and do it, give him a list etc..l.

In what world is a woman ALWAYS able to do all those things but somehow men can’t?? That sort of answers is enabling useless and pathetic behaviours. It’s treating those men like children instead of adults. Nd letting the:bet away with murder so that they don’t have to do the things they don’t like to.
And if the OP’s DH had such an issue with diy etc... he shouod have said so when they bought the house (and the OP would have had the opportunity to back off a house that needs renovating).

FWIW @llamalana, id have a look at how he behaves in other areas. I suspect you will find many other areas where he isn’t doing x or y because he doesn’t like it/can’t be arsed/ take time and effort.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/12/2019 08:52

Needing to but a 'special tool' is a sign that he doesn't know how to do the job in my experience. Tell him you don't care what order they are done in just do two useful jobs each weekend. Plenty of 'how-to' videos out there to help him.

TowelNumber42 · 03/12/2019 08:58

Go ahead and do them in any order you like sweetheart. I don't mind. Which one do you fancy doing next?

Elodie2019 · 03/12/2019 09:23

I guess the 'jobs' don't bother him.

My DH doesn't care if cupboards are falling apart or if things are broken. He'll prop them up or tape them together given the chance.

It's infuriating not having a handyman on call 24/7 but he just doesn't see it or chooses not to. If I 'waited for him' to fix something, I'd wait forever.

The solution is that WE do the jobs
together. He is the one who holds things up, fetches.tools, takes stuff to the dump, loads the car, collects things from the shop

  • he does the donkey work and I do the fixing/fitting/organising.
Vulpine · 03/12/2019 10:11

Painting is definitely not 'the simplest of diy tasks'

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 10:25

The only people who think painting is easier than fixing a drawer, are people who don't paint properly. Fixing a drawer is much easier and quicker. And yy I can do both and was taught how to paint by a painter and decorator.

OP I think maths advice is good - in that you know who your DH is not who he pretends to be. So working with the reality - that he buys tools to avoid actually doing work - call a family meeting.

Agree what needs to be done to finish one room and then decide who is going to do it but simply don't agree to him finishing or doing jobs that you know he won't. You need to pay someone to do them and he can pick up some of the jobs you're currently doing. Don't fall into the trap of paying someone to do his jobs whilst you're left with all the other jobs. Once one room is finished. Move on to the next.

vivacian · 03/12/2019 21:35

The only people who think painting is easier than fixing a drawer, are people who don't paint properly.

Miaow.

BlueJava · 03/12/2019 23:01

Petsonally I'd put the jobs on taskrabbot or get a handyman from checkatrade and get them done pronto. I hate flaffing around!

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2019 23:17

Sympathies, OP, specially with the ‘but I don’t want to get it wrong because of your priorities’ which is an absolute shit-weasel excuse. Anyway...

Tell him ‘DH, I am fed up of all the odd jobs left unfinished. Please can you make a list of all the tasks, room by room, and then we can discuss priorities.’

Make the list HIS job, though.

If he doesn’t do the list likely then set a time to walk around the whole house with him whilst he makes the list! Including ‘stuff needed to finish this’.

Do NOT assume all the responsibility for it, but DO take charge...

AuntyElle · 03/12/2019 23:30

“he's also mentioned he knows one of my love languages is 'acts of service' so he reckons he's trying to fulfill that.”

Dear god, OP. How can you stomach this shit along with the inaction?

WizardOfAus · 03/12/2019 23:47

My DH is a joiner and if I had £10 for every long-suffering woman who phoned him pleading, “Please fix my husband’s DIY fuck up/my husband has left 100 DIY jobs unfinished”.... I’d be a rich woman.

My advice: book a tradesperson to do the jobs. They’ll be done fast, correct and you won’t have the stress of half finished projects cluttering up your house.

Your DP might kick off about this, but explain you prioritised getting a professional over his half-assed DIY attempts.

WizardOfAus · 04/12/2019 00:09

he tried to replumb the kitchen and then we gave up and got a plumber to do it properly.

WTF? Plumbing in a kitchen requires skilled labour. It’s not something any Tom, Dick or Harry can turn their hand to for fun.

If these are the types of jobs your DP is attempting, no wonder he’s leaving them unfinished. He’s likely clueless on how to go about doing them.

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2019 00:35

Btw, I find that it helps to think of this horrific domestic shitwork in terms of office roles.

You are the manager. You manage. Therefore you issue instructions (Make a list. Fix that drawer. Finish it by X date) and your DP is your junior colleague - through his own choice, no less - and therefore he does the doing. By the date you choose.

Just don't be the manager AND the worker...

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