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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did I miss the memo?

81 replies

llamalana · 02/12/2019 23:38

DH and I have been together 16+years, married for 11 with three children and live in an older home which we always intended to do up when we had more money and time. While we wait for that or if we have visitors coming to stay, I paint rooms and try and declutter or add furniture etc to make our home comfortable/ less of an eyesore. DH is not especially practical or handy. Things are starting to fall apart somewhat (2 kitchen drawers broken, bathroom cupboard doors broken, curtain linings in rags etc) and I am patiently waiting for DH to finish some of these projects as he makes a start, buys special tools to support work but rarely completes jobs so we now have half fixed cupboard doors lying against walls, kitchen drawers on work surface in kitchen until I got fed up and moved them to bedroom to get them out of the way etc. Yesterday he said that he doesn't know what is a priority for me so he isn't clear on what to finish. (And is therefore just not finishing anything.) I am a bit startled as I was operating from point of view that we both own house, both can see jobs that need doing and surely we just crack on and do those jobs and if we're both doing that with that mindset, eventually lots of these loose ends will just be completed. I wasn't aware that he was looking to me to prioritise this for him. Am I going nuts? Or could I expect that as a grown man he could decide to complete the jobs that need doing? I genuinely don't want to be the one in charge of directing how our house maintenance plays out, I was after an equal partnership. I feel like I missed the memo that said I should be deciding about and directing this. (BTW, I would be more than happy to outsource whatever needs doing but DH buys tools, makes a start and then....)

OP posts:
Original poster
llamalana · 03/12/2019 03:16

And Onesnowballshort thanks too. Sorry to hear you have one too.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 03/12/2019 05:28

Yesterday he said that he doesn't know what is a priority for me so he isn't clear on what to finish. (And is therefore just not finishing anything.)

When we moved in here, there were things that needed doing immediately. I had limited time off and went for the "quick wins" (typical shitty management phrase). I could shift quite a few in the time I had off, so the list shrank and the jobs were actually finished instead of half done.

The kitchen was a no way for me as I wanted a professional job, so that had to wait for funds to be there for someone to do it.

Draw up a list of the quick(ish) jobs and attack it that way.

Loveislandaddict · 03/12/2019 05:57

He mentioned he doesn’t know what is a priority for you. He’s not a mind reader.

Surely a healthy discussion about what needs doing is all that’s needed.

My dh will often say xyz needs doing, whilst I consider abc a priority. We see things differently. Ie, he’ll want the leaves swept in the garden, whilst I’ll prioritise pruning the overgrown bushes.

Original poster
llamalana · 03/12/2019 06:09

Loveislandaddict I don't honestly expect him to be a mind reader. I am fine to outsource to get jobs done or even do them myself. What I am struggling with is the DH starting job, buying expensive tools, then stopping and then doing it again with something else so that lots of half done jobs are littering the house and then DH says he doesn't know my priorities and that is stopping him completing jobs.

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 03/12/2019 06:22

You could always do these jobs, if he isn't very good at diy. Is the memo you refer to one that says this is for men only? Or, here's a thought, get someone in to do them.

gingersausage · 03/12/2019 06:36

I don’t understand what “expensive tools” are needed to fix some drawers and put cupboard fronts back on. It seems like you are both making a major drama out of 5 minute jobs. I mean fixing a drawer needs a screwdriver and a bit of wood glue, not half of B&Q. Just do it yourself.

Vulpine · 03/12/2019 06:52

Loveislsndaddict - he doesnt have to be a mind reader just a job observer. Its his house too. His wife is not the gate keeper of diy jobs. He has eyes.he has hands.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2019 06:54

Do you want your house to be a place where you can safely live?

If the answer is yes then you need to sell off the presumably pricey enough tools DH has bought, and hire someone in to do what needs to be done.

Or - batch cook one day next week, and then next weekend take the tools and do the jobs yourself. Send DH out to a movie with the children, or ice skating, or whatever they could all do for about 6 hours.

You have had many years to observe your DH's lack of DIY skills and his habit of making a start and then abandoning projects. He probably does this because he doesn't sit down and look at the jobs properly to assess how much work they will really take. Or he loves the feeling of being Mr Equipped but can't focus enough to actually use the tools. You are not going to make progress with DH as your right hand man no matter what his problem is. Some people are just not finishers.

So do it yourself.

Or pick up the phone and get estimates and tell him you're sorry he feels that way if he objects.

Windygate · 03/12/2019 06:56

He has no intention of doing any diy, the expensive tools are for display purposes only.

Either you take on project management and get the house finished by directing him, you doing it or employing trades people or you sell up and don't buy another doerupper

JustaScratch · 03/12/2019 06:57

Sounds like he's trying to deflect responsibility because he knows he's not on top of things. Have you raised your point of view with him?

vivacian · 03/12/2019 06:58

I’m like your DH, fixing drawers, leaky taps, broken door handles are far more tricky then painting a room.

vivacian · 03/12/2019 07:00

What was the memo that advised buying a doer upper with someone who “isn’t very handy “?

AJPTaylor · 03/12/2019 07:03

Just find a handy man

MelissaCortezsPastry · 03/12/2019 07:05

Maybe he starts with good intentions but then when he starts the job he struggles with completing them if they are too complicated.

Luckily for us Dh and I "experimented" on a house years ago, worked out from that what we could do and what we would leave to the professionals. This included installing bathrooms, decorating, flooring, tiling etc.

Like cooking specific things or just working out if you can do something, you can practise without doing the actual job. ie buy a box of cheap tiles and learn to cut them before needing to actually tile something in your house. There are lots of videos on YouTube to help out with thing that you too can learn to do. I recommend

Ultimate Handyman,
How2D2 and
The Restoration Couple

I think visuals really help out. Dh and I often work together discussing it /talking through how this works (like removing door from integrated dishwasher without damaging the door)

You have to stop thinking about pink jobs and blue job, they are just jobs. Learn to do them together.

BalloonSlayer · 03/12/2019 07:06

The tools are from what the Red Dwarf novel calls "not doing it in a doing-it sort of way." So he feels like he is doing something, but he never actually does the actual task. (The book used the example of spending so much time drawing up a revision timetable that you run out of time to revise.)

BarrenFieldofFucks · 03/12/2019 07:07

I'd say house painting is less regular, and less complicated than a lot of DIY. Housework is unrelated (and of course he should pull his weight) as is grass cutting. Car MOTs are a phone call once a year.

So none of those are DIY. He obviously didn't get the memo that the DIY was his job. Why don't you swap? Or work out a list together.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 03/12/2019 07:16

Tell him to finish the jobs in the order he started them. Then sell the tools.

Don’t give it any more headspace. He’s being a child and you’ve definitely got enough on your plate. He’ll have to save to pay for some professionals.

mrsm43s · 03/12/2019 07:25

It does sound like you are cherry picking the easy/unskilled jobs, and leaving everything more complicated to him. The fact that he doesn't finish the tasks suggests that he doesn't know how. Maybe suggest he concentrates on a simpler job, like painting a room, or buying some furniture, and see how he gets on with that. Tbh, DH and I tend to work together, both emulsioning, both fitting a floor etc. When it comes to new, unfamiliar tasks, we discuss it, and work out how to do it together. I don't presume his penis gives him superior DIY skills, not do I find my vagina stops me from being just as capable as him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/12/2019 07:28

I am patiently waiting for DH to finish some of these projects as he makes a start, buys special tools to support work but rarely completes jobs so we now have half fixed cupboard doors lying against walls, kitchen drawers on work surface in kitchen

Do we share a husband?

The money he's spent on specialist tools that he's used (ineptly) once - we could have got a professional in, had the job finished AND not had a wrench lying in a pool of goop on the kitchen table for 3 months.

NearlyGranny · 03/12/2019 07:28

I think his 'not knowing' your priorities' is a bit of projection with a side order of blame-shifting, OP: a way to make it your fault/responsibility.

My home is studded with UFOs (unfinished objects) and projects started but not finished. They're all mine! I don't clutter worktops or bedrooms with them, though, and I don't try to blame my DH for them, either.

He's someone who like the planning/buying stage better than the fiddly follow through, I think.

I'd step up to his request, nominate one job, discuss a sensible time frame and agree that if it's not complete you'll get a man in and put the related tools up for sale towards costs. If he fails to deliver, deal with everything the same way,

Remember Belloc:

"It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan."

If he's not wealthy, he's acting as though he were!

rwalker · 03/12/2019 07:35

Just start 1 room and finish it. I think that's the problem you can get overwhelmed and not know where to start .
Crack on yourself think once you see a completed room it spares you on.
Don't mean to be rude but it's not the 1950's diy is not just man work.

Original poster
llamalana · 03/12/2019 07:37

mrsm43s Jeepers definitely not cherry picking... being up a ladder under two storey eaves is not my comfort zone but cost of scaffolding and painters was a no for us and DH wont do it so I have said I will try. Same as painting ceilings when I was 8 months preggers. And doing lots of car maintenance. I am not in any way encouraging DH to start up these tasks..he starts them, buys tools for them and then they come to nothing. Had a very long period of time where he tried to replumb kitchen and then we gave up and got a plumber to do it properly. I am supportive of his genuine interest in learning how to do things as long as he just continues to get on with it rather than abandons.........................

OP posts:
vivacian · 03/12/2019 07:40

Tbh, DH and I tend to work together, both emulsioning, both fitting a floor etc. When it comes to new, unfamiliar tasks, we discuss it, and work out how to do it together.

This.

Just start 1 room and finish it.

And this. Just looking around for the next task you fancy doing doesn't seem like an approach that was ever going to work.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/12/2019 07:41

You could always do these jobs,

Somebody suggested this to me Murderess when I was similarly ranting about my DH.

I pointed out that I did everything else in the home - garden, windows, washing, ironing, cooking, kids, decorating, cleaning, shopping, dog-walking etc - and I was buggered if I was going to take on another job because if I did it once, it would become mine. Fuck that!

I admit that I have made a rod for my own back over the years by doing stuff just to get it done - and for those of you who say "just don't do it", "make him" etc - this is easier said than done. I can't stand leaving stuff, and he doesn't give a damn.

He does, however, drive me anywhere if I need it (I can drive - I just hate driving), so he is not without his uses. I also occasionally (every 3/4 years or so) force him into the loft, which is a hellhole full of spiders and while I'm not frightened of spiders, again I prefer not to have them running through my hair and slithering down my neck.

And he is a good, supportive husband - and nobody's perfect.

OP - DO NOT DO THE JOBS YOURSELF!

Make a list, as it's nearly Christmas, perhaps you could check it twice Grin, give it to him. Tell him to start tonight (he'll have an excuse why not, but you could use this to get a start time/date from him so he can clear his diary)

Vulpine · 03/12/2019 07:44

I'd take fixing things over painting a room any day.