Did I miss the memo?

[llamalana]

DH and I have been together 16+years, married for 11 with three children and live in an older home which we always intended to do up when we had more money and time. While we wait for that or if we have visitors coming to stay, I paint rooms and try and declutter or add furniture etc to make our home comfortable/ less of an eyesore. DH is not especially practical or handy. Things are starting to fall apart somewhat (2 kitchen drawers broken, bathroom cupboard doors broken, curtain linings in rags etc) and I am patiently waiting for DH to finish some of these projects as he makes a start, buys special tools to support work but rarely completes jobs so we now have half fixed cupboard doors lying against walls, kitchen drawers on work surface in kitchen until I got fed up and moved them to bedroom to get them out of the way etc. Yesterday he said that he doesn't know what is a priority for me so he isn't clear on what to finish. (And is therefore just not finishing anything.) I am a bit startled as I was operating from point of view that we both own house, both can see jobs that need doing and surely we just crack on and do those jobs and if we're both doing that with that mindset, eventually lots of these loose ends will just be completed. I wasn't aware that he was looking to me to prioritise this for him. Am I going nuts? Or could I expect that as a grown man he could decide to complete the jobs that need doing? I genuinely don't want to be the one in charge of directing how our house maintenance plays out, I was after an equal partnership. I feel like I missed the memo that said I should be deciding about and directing this. (BTW, I would be more than happy to outsource whatever needs doing but DH buys tools, makes a start and then....)

[gingersausage]

@CanIHaveADrink from my point of view it’s not about women doing everything v men being useless though, it’s about who cares more about the job in hand.

The OP is obviously bothered about the DIY getting done, her husband isn’t so to me it makes sense that she sorts it. Not everything has to be a power struggle. My husband does things that I couldn’t care less about because otherwise they wouldn’t get done; he could nag or hint or huff and puff till the cows come home but I couldn’t give a shit if the dishwasher is loaded “properly” or the rug is straightened or the lid is put back on the toothpaste. Likewise he doesn’t care if there are crumbs on the counter or the door seal on the washer is dried after use. We do what bothers us and don’t waste time on petty resentments 🤷‍♀️.

[vivacian]

My DH is a joiner and if I had £10 for every long-suffering woman who phoned him pleading, “Please fix my husband’s DIY fuck up/my husband has left 100 DIY jobs unfinished”.... I’d be a rich woman.

What?! Presumably you have received a tenner every time, that’s what customers do.

[Dinosauraddict]

We live in an old Edwardian house that needed a lot of work (moved in last year). We did all the big/structural stuff from new ceilings/plastering to new kitchen last year - both that needed professionals - and are only now getting to the 'other stuff'. As I'm 6 months pregnant all the little things were really bothering me, so I became the PM! I created a Trello board of every job that needed doing room by room. Some I could do myself, some I needed DH for, and we are working through them. I RAG rated each job so priorities were clear, and we're really getting there! I'm aware of what we can/can't do so have booked professionals where necessary (such as a carpenter to make a strange size stable door) but DH and I have also learnt new skills (he did grouting for the first time ever this week).

[CSIblonde]

It sounds like he gets bored of a task once he's started it more than it being difficulty prioritising. Maybe draw up a list together & see if it changes. If stuff is still left unfinished I'd You Tube it, as I like learning DIY stuff & if its. too much to take on, then get someone in. The half arsedness of the current stuff would really get my goat.

[Claustrophobia]

My advice: book a tradesperson to do the jobs. They’ll be done fast, correct and you won’t have the stress of half finished projects cluttering up your house.

Your DP might kick off about this, but explain you prioritised getting a professional over his half-assed DIY attempts.
WizardofAus

YYY to all of this.

Also agree with the comment on plumbing. Not a DIY job!

Tell DH your love language is acts of service, not tokens.

[Andysbestadventure]

@MumOf1plusBump replying to your post on the first page... Erm. What the effing hell?

He's a grown fucking man. She isn't his mother or boss! Christ, I hope to god you don't have sons otherwise their future partners will hate what you have done to them if you pander to them and micromanage them like that too.

[NoSquirrels]

Btw, I find that it helps to think of this horrific domestic shitwork in terms of office roles.

You are the manager. You manage. Therefore you issue instructions (Make a list. Fix that drawer. Finish it by X date) and your DP is your junior colleague - through his own choice, no less - and therefore he does the doing. By the date you choose.

Just don't be the manager AND the worker...

[WizardOfAus]

he tried to replumb the kitchen and then we gave up and got a plumber to do it properly.

WTF? Plumbing in a kitchen requires skilled labour. It’s not something any Tom, Dick or Harry can turn their hand to for fun.

If these are the types of jobs your DP is attempting, no wonder he’s leaving them unfinished. He’s likely clueless on how to go about doing them.

[WizardOfAus]

My DH is a joiner and if I had £10 for every long-suffering woman who phoned him pleading, “Please fix my husband’s DIY fuck up/my husband has left 100 DIY jobs unfinished”.... I’d be a rich woman.

My advice: book a tradesperson to do the jobs. They’ll be done fast, correct and you won’t have the stress of half finished projects cluttering up your house.

Your DP might kick off about this, but explain you prioritised getting a professional over his half-assed DIY attempts.

[AuntyElle]

“he's also mentioned he knows one of my love languages is 'acts of service' so he reckons he's trying to fulfill that.”

Dear god, OP. How can you stomach this shit along with the inaction?

[NoSquirrels]

Sympathies, OP, specially with the ‘but I don’t want to get it wrong because of your priorities’ which is an absolute shit-weasel excuse. Anyway...

Tell him ‘DH, I am fed up of all the odd jobs left unfinished. Please can you make a list of all the tasks, room by room, and then we can discuss priorities.’

Make the list HIS job, though.

If he doesn’t do the list likely then set a time to walk around the whole house with him whilst he makes the list! Including ‘stuff needed to finish this’.

Do NOT assume all the responsibility for it, but DO take charge...

[BlueJava]

Petsonally I'd put the jobs on taskrabbot or get a handyman from checkatrade and get them done pronto. I hate flaffing around!

[vivacian]

The only people who think painting is easier than fixing a drawer, are people who don't paint properly.

Miaow.

[YouSawThePlans]

The only people who think painting is easier than fixing a drawer, are people who don't paint properly. Fixing a drawer is much easier and quicker. And yy I can do both and was taught how to paint by a painter and decorator.

OP I think maths advice is good - in that you know who your DH is not who he pretends to be. So working with the reality - that he buys tools to avoid actually doing work - call a family meeting.

Agree what needs to be done to finish one room and then decide who is going to do it but simply don't agree to him finishing or doing jobs that you know he won't. You need to pay someone to do them and he can pick up some of the jobs you're currently doing. Don't fall into the trap of paying someone to do his jobs whilst you're left with all the other jobs. Once one room is finished. Move on to the next.

[Vulpine]

Painting is definitely not 'the simplest of diy tasks'

[Elodie2019]

I guess the 'jobs' don't bother him.

My DH doesn't care if cupboards are falling apart or if things are broken. He'll prop them up or tape them together given the chance.

It's infuriating not having a handyman on call 24/7 but he just doesn't see it or chooses not to. If I 'waited for him' to fix something, I'd wait forever.

The solution is that WE do the jobs
together. He is the one who holds things up, fetches.tools, takes stuff to the dump, loads the car, collects things from the shop

• he does the donkey work and I do the fixing/fitting/organising.

[TowelNumber42]

Go ahead and do them in any order you like sweetheart. I don't mind. Which one do you fancy doing next?

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Needing to but a 'special tool' is a sign that he doesn't know how to do the job in my experience. Tell him you don't care what order they are done in just do two useful jobs each weekend. Plenty of 'how-to' videos out there to help him.

[CanIHaveADrink]

I’m quite amazed at the number of answer saying that the OP shouod organise someone to come and do it, give him a list etc..l.

In what world is a woman ALWAYS able to do all those things but somehow men can’t?? That sort of answers is enabling useless and pathetic behaviours. It’s treating those men like children instead of adults. Nd letting the:bet away with murder so that they don’t have to do the things they don’t like to.
And if the OP’s DH had such an issue with diy etc... he shouod have said so when they bought the house (and the OP would have had the opportunity to back off a house that needs renovating).

FWIW @llamalana, id have a look at how he behaves in other areas. I suspect you will find many other areas where he isn’t doing x or y because he doesn’t like it/can’t be arsed/ take time and effort.

[carolinelucaseshandbag]

I hear you, OP!
I know what I am and am not able to do. Things that involve drilling etc, I'm not (issues with coordination, fine motor etc). DH is adamant that he is able to do these tasks, so refuses to get a handy person in, then...doesn't do them! But when I get cross about it, he'll claim that I haven't done x y z prep (usually I have), or he wasn't aware I was in such a rush to get it done (?!). It drives me CRACKERS!
YANBU!

[CanIHaveADrink]

He is pushing you to take responsibility for the work. If you give him a list, you will be the one in charge. You wont be able to grumble if x or y hasn’t been done because you didn’t ask for it. And if you do ask but ‘too much’ he will go in a mood because you are clearly unreasonable to ask for so much.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like it so he is trying to avoid it. Or maybe he is uncomfortable because he knows his job isn’t great and feels he ought to be able to do (see the fact he isn’t handy and he is a man - all that conformity bollock). In some ways it doesn’t matter.

I would tell him exactly what you’ve told us. That you are partnership and you being the project manager wasn’t part of the deal. He is a grown man, he shouod be able to do the stuff that needs doing wo mummy behind his back telling him what to do.

[deste]

What I used to do was start on the job getting all the tools out etc. Whenever I did that my DH would then take over. Tell him the kitchen needs doing before Christmas, no ifs or buts.

[DonPablo]

Fuckim irritating, pushing it all back in to you with a helpless whine of I don't know what to do.

Bullshit.because either you end up saying do this or actually doing it yourself. I'd be inclined to ask him how he wants to proceed here. Adult up and get some shit done. Or swap roles or get someone in. But this crappy I am helpless shite isn't one of the ways forward.

[PhilCornwall1]

Fuck me, is this what marriage has come to these days? A constant battle.

Whatever happened to people "just getting stuff done"!

[Walkaround]

Take advantage of him being a twat - tell him kitchen drawers to be fixed by X December; bathroom cupboards by Y December. I'm not sure what you are expecting him to do with the curtains? Is one of his tools a sewing machine? If so, tell him to fix the curtains while the days are still short - so all to be done by end Feb at latest. Then tell him to finish a task in future before he starts another one, and to complete any task he starts within 2 weeks.