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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my husband to sleep with me?

122 replies

plumebaby · 02/12/2019 03:54

We’ve been married a long time and used to sleep together before the kids came along. We started using separate beds when I was up all night with the babies. They’re now older and sleep through and I’m still in a separate bed! He will only sleep with me if we have sex and even then he gets up and goes to the other bed after a while. Last night I actually said to him to get in my bed please, I’d really like a cuddle. We cuddled and it was lovely. 10 minutes then he gets up and goes again! I have spoken to him about it and he comes out with a variety of excuses. The result is I feel extremely lonely. I’m on my own every single night. I used to be ok with this when I was exhausted from the kids but now it feels like I want the company/intimacy/togetherness? I can’t put my finger on it but it feels like we’ve only got half a marriage? Has anyone been through this and got any ideas or can help me?

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 02/12/2019 04:06

How long has this been going on for ?

I guess if it suited you for years while the kids were little, he might have got used to it and now likes it that way. You might have shot yourself in the foot with this, OP.

youkiddingme · 02/12/2019 04:19

What are his 'variety of excuses' - they may seem valid to him?
Hubby and I have slept seperately for years now due to his snoring and my twitching and we are both happier for it. But we do cuddle at length every night and read together etc. Maybe he just sleeps better alone as he has got used to it. Would he try one night a week with you when he doesn't have to get up early?

Original poster

plumebaby · 02/12/2019 04:20

It’s been going on for about 10 years. It’s only in the last year that the kids aren’t up at some point in the night. I used to take kids in another bed so that he could sleep through as he had to get up for work. So what do I do now? Resign myself to a life of lonely nights?

OP posts:

Monty27 · 02/12/2019 04:20

It's not healthy if one person isn't happy about it. It could be he's just become used to it.
Sorry just realised @shippingnews has said the same and a bit more which I entirely agree with.
Not much to add really except maybe a weekend away just the two of you?

Original poster

plumebaby · 02/12/2019 04:21

He doesn’t get up early anymore. He works from home so regularly sleeps in until 8am ish.

OP posts:

JolieOBrien · 02/12/2019 04:35

Mine snores like a foghorn so I am glad when he sleeps in the spare room

HUZZAH212 · 02/12/2019 04:38

What happens on holiday OP? Double bed or twins? It could just be he's used to the habit of sleeping alone now, which is fairly understandable. Could you suggest a new bigger bed for more space each? Or one of you coming through to the other on weekend mornings for a snooze/lie in/breakfast in bed, to get back in a routine? Maybe going to bed together on a night to watch a film?

JolieOBrien · 02/12/2019 04:41

You could try bunk beds OP

ShippingNews · 02/12/2019 04:43

10 years - no wonder he has become used to it ! To be honest it's a bit late in the day to start saying you wish it was different. It does sound a bit odd that you'd spend 10 years needing a bed to yourself , no matter how wakeful your children were. DH has obviously become very used to sleeping alone and wants to keep it that way.

Maybe try the "once a week" suggestion and see if it helps - but I suspect that this ship has sailed long ago.

MollyHuaCha · 02/12/2019 04:58

Bunk beds?!

Original poster

plumebaby · 02/12/2019 05:00

Surely it’s not it for the rest of our lives! How can it be too late in the day when we’ve potentially got another 40 years to live with each other! Life is constant phases surely? Things change and circumstances change. Our youngest was a prem baby and horrific sleeper for years. We’ve had years of bad nights with kids hence the separate beds. However, now life has changed. Kids sleep well. His working circumstances have changed. Everybody gets more sleep. When kids get older everything changes. More time to yourself, easier to get a social life...surely the sleeping circumstances are able to be changed too!! I recently bought the biggest bed I could find so there’s huge amounts of space. I don’t know what else to do! It does seem like he likes it this way. Gets to have sex and then sleep in his own bed. It’s impacting my mental health though as it feels like there’s a huge side to our couple life missing. Any other helpful tips for how to change things gratefully received.

OP posts:

coatlessinspokane · 02/12/2019 05:10

You might have shot yourself in the foot with this, OP.
I don’t think the OP exactly wanted to sleep apart but babies often necessitate that.

OP, of course you’re not being unreasonable. You want a cuddle and some love. There’s nothing wrong with that. Tell him how important it is to you. It doesn’t have to be every night but come on! There’s nothing wrong with wanting intimacy with your husband.

HUZZAH212 · 02/12/2019 05:11

As pp asked - what are his excuses/reasons? Out of curiosity has he still maintained his original side of the bed since sleeping in the other room? I cannot settle properly on the 'wrong side' of the bed.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/12/2019 05:16

Do you sleep in the same bed when (/if) you go away?

JolieOBrien · 02/12/2019 05:24

@MollyHuaCha

I was just joking lol I used to sleep in them when my kids were little and had come into our bed and were kicking me all the time, so I would leave my husband with my son or daughter in our bed and sleep in his bunk bed

Derbee · 02/12/2019 05:31

I wouldn’t like this either, OP. YANBU. I think you need to tell him what you’ve said here. It was a phase, and it’s not necessary anymore.

81Byerley · 02/12/2019 05:38

Does he sleep in the same room? Or just in a different bed? If it's the latter you could try pushing the beds together. He's probably comfortable being able to spread out. if that's the case, what about a Super kingsize bed?

cantfindname · 02/12/2019 05:38

My DP and I slept in separate beds for years. We adored each other but he was the hottest person I have ever known and I am the one who sleeps with no duvet and the window open all year. It simply didn't work for us. Our relationship actually improved for it as neither of us woke up grumpy after a night of being uncomfortable.

Try to reconcile yourself to it; if you stop thinking that you are 'lonely' then it will be easier. Look at your relationship apart from this issue, is it good? are you generally loving towards each other? do you have a cuddle before bedtime? To me the cuddle before bed was the best... my partner died very suddenly at work early one morning and the last time I saw him we were standing in the kitchen having a goodnight hug and I have that memory forever.

What happens if you go and climb into 'his' bed with him? This was also something we regularly did and with no hard feelings when one of us moved to sleep.

When you think about it, once the first throes of passion are exhausted, sleeping with someone is rarely as easy as society would have us believe. Restless legs, getting up for a pee, getting up for children, a night when you can't sleep, too hot/cold, one of you unwell, a random (heavy) arm dropping over you just as you drop off... the list is endless.

It would help you greatly if your OH could explain why. There has to be a reason and then you could work from that point. Just be careful not to destroy an otherwise good relationship by causing WW3 over it... looked at in a different light, the point of bed is actually to sleep so whilst you are asleep you aren't really missing him.

KatherineJaneway · 02/12/2019 05:43

What are his 'variety of excuses' though?

TillyTheTiger · 02/12/2019 05:56

I'm not sure how you can feel lonely while you're actually asleep though?
When I was pregnant with DS I moved into the spare bedroom as I was so restless and uncomfortable I disturbed DH, and DH snoring disturbed me (plus I needed more space for my massive maternity pillow). But we'd still get in bed together for a chat and a cuddle every night until we were ready to sleep, and get back in together in the morning as soon as we woke up for another chat and cuddle. Can't you just do that?
Our house isn't big enough to have a spare room now we have two DC, I'm dreading the day the baby is old enough to need her own room and I'll have to go back to sharing a bed with DH all night.

daisychain01 · 02/12/2019 06:02

Can you get a slightly larger double bed maybe a Kingsize? Makes a huge difference having more space in the bed. It could be fun going to choose one together!

CupoTeap · 02/12/2019 06:08

You can't just decide that now you want to share a bed again you need to talk to him.

Josephinebettany · 02/12/2019 06:16

I don't see the issue with being "lonely at night". It's night time. You sleep. It sounds like he sleeps better on his own. Is the rest of your relationship ok? If so, I don't understand why it's a bag deal

nearlynermal · 02/12/2019 06:18

OP, sorry you're hurting about this. My question would be: is it just about the sleeping? Or are there other ways I which you're feeling a lack of connection with him? Any chance of a bit of counselling, or other ways to start building your relationship back up, now that the demands of children and work have eased a bit?

RolytheRhino · 02/12/2019 06:23

How is being alone when you are asleep impacting on your mental health, OP?

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