to expect my husband to sleep with me?

[plumebaby]

We’ve been married a long time and used to sleep together before the kids came along. We started using separate beds when I was up all night with the babies. They’re now older and sleep through and I’m still in a separate bed! He will only sleep with me if we have sex and even then he gets up and goes to the other bed after a while. Last night I actually said to him to get in my bed please, I’d really like a cuddle. We cuddled and it was lovely. 10 minutes then he gets up and goes again! I have spoken to him about it and he comes out with a variety of excuses. The result is I feel extremely lonely. I’m on my own every single night. I used to be ok with this when I was exhausted from the kids but now it feels like I want the company/intimacy/togetherness? I can’t put my finger on it but it feels like we’ve only got half a marriage? Has anyone been through this and got any ideas or can help me?

We had a period of separate beds due to DD struggling to manage her anxiety about sleeping. When we eventually got her to sleep in her own bed, some years later I might add, it was very difficult to start sleeping together again.

I must admit, I had to be very firm about it as I felt that the intimacy of sleeping together (not just the sex) had gone. We were having sex (though it wasn’t very spontaneous) and afterwards it would be retreating to our own rooms-very Victorian!

DH now says that he is very glad I insisted-even though we probably both get much less sleep (he snores and I struggle to sleep) but we are getting on better and I am sure if we had carried on we would have ended up just as house mates... or worse.

Talk to your DH about your fears and reasons and see what he says/if he has suggestions... maybe try Friday/Saturday nights to begin with?

We were in a similar position to this for a few years .However we invested in a 6 feet twin mattress kind of bed(Zips together down the middle),and that has worked wonders, (plenty of room to move around without disturbing your partner)! Has he got used to sleeping alone for a similar reason do you think? Or is he reading /watching TV /on his phone ?.I think you need to tell him you are no longer happy with this arrangement an d see what he has to say about it!

Go get in his bed and refuse to leave

Don’t do this!

Talk to him and find out why.

I’m your DH in this scenario. We’ve slept apart for three years since having DC. I prefer it as I love my own space and can’t envisage going back. He’s asked occasionally, so I’ll probably have to at some point .

We still do all the usual stuff, just not physically sleep in the same bed. We sometimes watch a film in bed together.

I know this might sound obvious - and there may well be reasons why it isn't practical but why don't you climb into HIS bed?

And, @Josephinebettany, it is a big deal. My wife and I share a bed. She's made it plain that she's not interested in sex any more. So we don't. We have made love twice in the last year. It's the intimacy I'd miss. The cuddles, the warmth, knowing she's there when I wake in the middle of the night, being held. It's important. I need it. A lot of people do.

DH and I go to bed in the same bed, but he will at some point decamp to the spare room. He’s a light sleeper except when he’s snoring and I am apparently a heavy breather. I’m quite used to waking up alone. Why not suggest to him that you start off in the same bed and move later if necessary?

I couldn't imagine this and we have 2 young kids and one on the way you should never have started this 10 years later this is your situation I couldn't live like that I would have a serious talk with him about what you want.

I’m not sure on this one. For many people, having separate beds is lovely. They keep the relationship with the person they love but get their own private space and don’t have to put up with the sleeping patterns of another person. I know I’d like it if I was in a relationship.

So no one is “wrong” or “right” but you need a conversation about it.

I do disagree with those who say “poor DH” as it’s obvious from your posts this was done to suit him. I wonder if for your the separate sleeping is associated with a time when you felt relagates to 24/7 skivvy and not an equal partner in a loving relationship? Whereas for him it’s been about something quite different.

That's tough OP. My DH and I sleep in separate beds all the time! Have done since DS2 was born as he didn't sleep, ever! We took it in turns with him in the spare room. DS2 is now 5 and sleeps great, but DH snores loudly and is also a really light sleeper. So, we just wake each other up all the time. He snores, I get up to read or something as I can't sleep, that wakes him up, he lies there awake for ages... It just doesn't work. We get on a lot better when we're both well rested, and life is just more fun when you're not exhausted all the time. We still have sex often, it's just that one of us will get up and go into the other bedroom to sleep. It works just fine for us, so don't think that you are unusual in sleeping separately, or that it needs to be something negative or indicative of a problem in your marriage.

I’m one of those people that really don’t ‘get’ double beds. I think it odd that when you form a relationship with someone society expects you to sleep in the same bed. We don’t do it as children so why should we as adults? Yes, I’ve conformed and slept in the same bed in all my adult relationships but it’s so bloody disruptive I’m extremely grateful now to have my own big bed and would never do it again.

None of this addresses OP’s problem though but I can see why her DH wouldn't want to change the status quo, especially after having a bed to himself for ten years. As others have said, it depends what the rest of the relationship is like. If it’s otherwise loving and close I think OP is reading too much into what is just a practical solution. If not, then I guess there may be more issues to sort out of which this is just one factor.

I have my own room and my own bed that I manage to hog all by myself until I get cats. I can't bear sleeping with anyone - they are stinky, loud and disruptive and unacceptably raise the temperature of the bed. Probably not helpful, but just wanted to say that not everyone likes sleeping with another.

I am currently in the spare room as DH is unwell with a nasty cough and cold and I’m hoping to not catch plus he was keeping me awake.. I do love cuddling up to him at night but my goodness I do sleep far better in a bed by myself as I’m a light sleeper. Have an honest discussion with him about how it makes you feel and also ask him how he feels and his reasons.

What is your relationship like otherwise, OP? Is there plenty of affection, cuddles, hugs etc during the day or when you are around each other generally? Or is the bed thing part of a greater withdrawal on one side or another?

I agree with people who hate bed sharing, I can just about put up with sharing with one of my adult daughters, but not a man, never again!

The dog sleeps with me sometimes, but she's a fidget, and I snore, so it's nice not to have to worry. Does your DH maybe snore, OP and worry about it? Or maybe you snore and he doesn't like to say?

My partner and I have separate rooms. My partner is someone who'd like to sleep spooned up every night and used to complain if I moved. I used to lie there feeling rather suffocated and wondering at what point cuddling up became oppressive. My partner started snoring, too. So I pushed for separate beds and I don't think either of us would go back. My partner now spoons with the dog, although the dog is allowed to move out of the way when it gets too hot! We have cuddles, we get in together in the mornings for a cup of tea and to read the papers, but we allow each other space.

People who had the choice (wealthy people) have always had the luxury of separate bedrooms. The peasants until recently had to bunk up together for warmth and because of lack of space. I sleep so much better on my own and I don't think my partner and I are any the less loving for it. In fact it's easier to feeling loving after a good night's sleep in a cool bedroom than after waking up hot and uncomfortable and feeling slightly trapped.

What's this loneliness about? If you feel lonely when you have all your family just a few feet away and you're still enjoying sex and cuddles with your partner then I'd suggest you need to examine what it is you're really feeling. What's happened? Are the children growing up and no longer so dependant on you, so now you're turning back to him? Why do you automatically assume that what you want suits him? I honestly don't think sleeping together is always conducive to a close relationship. He's allowed his choice.

In that case, just move yourself back into the martial bedroom

Love the idea of a martial bedroom

There are some very good suggestion by various pp above

Might be worth considering g them otherwise it may be a case of having made your bed and having now to lie on it, as you were

By all means talk to him about why you feel the way you do, but don't start from the assumption that you are in the 'right', it is possible for both of you to be in the 'right' on this and for you to need to find a more creative compromise than simply going back to sharing a bed every night.

That ^

The Sandman, you mentioned:

The cuddles, the warmth, knowing she's there when I wake in the middle of the night, being held. It's important. I need it. A lot of people do.

How did you cope with those needs all those years in childhood and adolescence when you slept alone?

I do think that sleeping together can be very complicated and that all kinds of emotional stuff that really needs to be talked about during daylight hours gets acted out in bed after dark.

I totaĺly get how you're feeling. I've had a similar situation for the last 5 years or so, my dh has worked like crazy (sole breadwinner) and I've felt very lonely as he would always work very late into the night so never there for a cuddle at bedtime. He had to put all his efforts into work just to keep himself 'afloat' for many years I didn't say anything. But literally in the last 2 weeks I've explained how this is really impacting on my mental health. sorry to rant but I totally understand and I think you should sit down and talk it through with him and see what he says

How did you cope with those needs all those years in childhood and adolescence when you slept alone?

I had a teddy bear.

And I still do. He sits by my bedside next to the small, home-made by my cousin, toy elephant I was given when I was 6 months old. He''ll be 60 in a couple of months.

Yeah, I had a teddy bear. I suppose it's a mum replacement, isn't it? Did you sleep with a bear until you moved in with a partner? Can't remember what happened to my bear. Think it was in a drawer by the time i was 10.

It seems the world is divided into those who want to feel someone close to them through the night for comfort and those who don't. In my first long-term relationship we lived together-apart for years. We used to negotiate spending the night together and I really appreciated that nothing was taken for granted. It was a bit of a shock to realise that my current partner wanted to spend every night wrapped around me. I need space and autonomy even when I'm sleeping. Maybe especially when I'm sleeping. I'm not there just to meet my partner's needs.

We'd have divorced long ago if it wasn't for separate bedrooms. In our case both parties are happy with this arrangement. Since you aren't, clearly you and hubby need to talk things through properly.

After 10 years, he’s clearly got used to separate bedrooms, and rather likes it.

You can’t simply expect him to go back to sleeping with you full time. You’re going to need to be prepared to compromise.

Is it the lack of connection when you are going to bed that you miss, the time between going to bed and sleeping.

I sleep very badly. We go to bed together in our room. I may sleep for an hour or I may not. I get up, I might end up hours later in the spare bed or back in our bed. . But we go to bed together.

@plumebaby

As a number of posters have said, there is no right or wrong here, but it's not unusual for a couple to sleep apart. Indeed many people do. There are all sorts of reasons for not sleeping together. People get better sleep, they work different hours, they have different ways of sleeping (one will be a heavy sleeper, one will be light,) and one will be cold whilst the other is hot. Also one (or both) will snore/fidget/fart/hog the duvet etc.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason, because it's severe. It's detrimental to your health (mental AND physical health,) and it can make you ill. And getting a superking bed doesn't always help, because it doesn't stop you hearing your partner/spouse snoring like a buffalo.

As has been said, many people have separate bedrooms/bed, and sharing has historically been something that only poorer people do because of lack of room/lack of funds/to keep warm. If you have spare bedrooms, it's ridiculous to share if one of you cannot sleep properly because of the other.

It's all very well saying 'it's no good if one of the couple is not happy to have separate rooms.' But it's also no good if one of the couple is not happy with sharing a room and getting naff-all sleep. Getting proper sleep is far more important than someone's bruised feelings. And them getting sniffy and arsey because they are 'lonely' in bed at night, (or feel it's a slight on them, and a bad way for their wife/husband to treat them,) is just really petty, and unfair on your partner.

I know a woman who couldn't sleep because of her husband's snoring, and she wanted to sleep in the spare bedroom they had. He said he would leave her if she moved out of the 'marital bedroom.' Stupidly, she stayed with him, and carried on sharing a bedroom with him. I'd have told him to get tae fuck. Threatening to leave me because I want to be able to bloody sleep! Sod that! Awful, manipulative, controlling behaviour. Not a relationship I would stay in.