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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my husband to sleep with me?

122 replies

plumebaby · 02/12/2019 03:54

We’ve been married a long time and used to sleep together before the kids came along. We started using separate beds when I was up all night with the babies. They’re now older and sleep through and I’m still in a separate bed! He will only sleep with me if we have sex and even then he gets up and goes to the other bed after a while. Last night I actually said to him to get in my bed please, I’d really like a cuddle. We cuddled and it was lovely. 10 minutes then he gets up and goes again! I have spoken to him about it and he comes out with a variety of excuses. The result is I feel extremely lonely. I’m on my own every single night. I used to be ok with this when I was exhausted from the kids but now it feels like I want the company/intimacy/togetherness? I can’t put my finger on it but it feels like we’ve only got half a marriage? Has anyone been through this and got any ideas or can help me?

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 02/12/2019 06:36

I think the only solution here is a good chat with him - what are his reasons, and how do you reconcile what you each want? Even a few nights in bed together might be a useful start.

Ragwort · 02/12/2019 06:41

Sleeping well is such an individual thing though isn’t it, my DH & I hav,e had separate rooms for a few years now & on the rare occasion we have to share a bed, if we have overnight guests, (& we do have a 6 foot bed Grin), neither of us can sleep. If we go away we always have twin beds. If my DH wanted us to share a bed again I would be horrified.

Is your relationship generally good? After ten years it would be a very habit to break.

StreetwiseHercules · 02/12/2019 06:46

Kicked out of his bed for 10 years and now you think he should just do what you want?

Remarkable.

SunshineCake · 02/12/2019 06:56

God some people really need to read and retain. Most of these questions have already been posted by the OP

Zzzz19 · 02/12/2019 06:57

I think after 10 years he probably likes sleeping alone and would be unlikely to want to change this

Cismyfatarse1 · 02/12/2019 07:00

Buy a massive bed. We sleep together and always have done but a massive bed makes it easier.

Comtesse · 02/12/2019 07:06

What happens if you go and get into his bed?
He might not come to you but what if you went to him?

Ragwort · 02/12/2019 07:09

How massive is your bed cis? We have a 6 ft bed and I still don’t want to share, it’s not just the size of the bed, it’s what time you like to go to bed/get up, if you want to read, if you get up in the night, if you want the window open or closed etc. I am amazed so many people can actually get a good nights sleep as a couple. Confused.

Monkeymilkshake · 02/12/2019 07:17

Do you go into his bed?

BadnessInTheFolds · 02/12/2019 07:26

YANBU but neither is he. This is one of those occasions where you both want different things and it's hard to find a compromise
Other than pp's suggestions

Would he stay with you until you fall asleep then move to his bed? (Only works if you usually drop off before him)

Would separate duvets on the same bed help? You would both have your own space and could have a thicker or thinner one if one of you gets hot/cold more easily, plus less issues of someone stealing all the covers.

I agree with pp though, it really depends what part of being in the same bed is bothering him.

WhatsInAName19 · 02/12/2019 07:30

I love the "poor old DH, kicked out of his own bed" narrative that lots of PPs have assumed. OP has not said this was the case at all. For all we know it was him who instigated the sleeping in a separate room. OP actually mentions several times her DH having previously needed to be up early for work so it reads to me like the separate sleeping was actually designed to suit DH's needs and ensure that he got a good night's sleep whilst she did all the night shifts with the kids. And now some randoms on the internet think she should be punished for the remainder of her marriage with an arrangement that clearly makes her unhappy.

EvaHarknessRose · 02/12/2019 07:48

Can you arrange to talk properly about it - go in with a practical head on, let him know how you feel but don't be blaming or rigid. Would he be up for starting to have breakfast in bed together on the weekends, or reading together. Go on dates, start a hobby together. My guess is it's just a big readjustment for him. The companionship has grown on me, and I love being with my DH, he's so perfect, but sometimes I wonder how come the adults have to share when the kids get their own room!

stucknoue · 02/12/2019 07:48

That's not great, the best but about living with a partner is cuddling at night, it's what I missed when stbexh moved to the spare room and then away. And the best bit about a new manGrin

chipsandgin · 02/12/2019 07:50

Without knowing what his ‘excuses’ are it’s impossible to tell? We sleep in separate rooms because DH snores so badly I don’t sleep if he’s in overnight with me. Totally works for us as it does for at least three other (happy) couples I know. It obviously isn’t working for you & it clearly needs to be addressed - but you aren’t explaining the reasons?

Redwinestillfine · 02/12/2019 07:54

Redecorate and reclaim 'his room' for something else

lyingwanker · 02/12/2019 07:54

It was OP that was relegated to the spare bed, along with the children who were up throughout the night.

OP did this so that poor husband could get a full nights sleep.

Where are all the people that usually say childcare should be 50/50 even through the night??? Why did OP have to leave the marital bed and see to the kids?

Circumstances have now changed so why should OP still have to be relegated to the spare bed? Especially just so DH can have a nice lie in every morning!

Redwinestillfine · 02/12/2019 07:56

In that case, just move yourself back into the martial bedroom.

rachelfrost · 02/12/2019 08:08

Did you make the decision to sleep separately together or did you decide it was best for everyone? And are you now just doing the same thing in reverse?

Dismissing someone’s motivations as ‘excuses’ suggests you’re not really interested in your husbands opinion.

Ten years is a very long time. Most people would spend a few nights in separate rooms to catch up on sleep as need be when the kids are little. Or have conversation about sleeping in separate beds long term.

Megan2018 · 02/12/2019 08:09

We have separate bedrooms, it is fabulous! We have 2 Master bedrooms, each with a superking bed and our own clothes etc in.
We share occasionally if we have guests and need the space but we are always glad to get our beds back after.
A lot of people sleep separately but most don’t admit it, it’s a very recent thing to share a room historically speaking. Only the very poor shared a bed, everyone else had their own room.

Our reasons for sleeping apart are because I have a sleep disorder and have very disturbed sleep plus I snore, DH drives 2-300 miles a day in a field based job and gets up at 5am and needs to be well rested so as to be safe on the road. He also has a ridiculously heavy duvet all year round and is a very light sleeper (he also snores bur denies it). We are not well suited at all when it comes to bedroom habits.
I expect OP that your DH sleeps better without you, but he doesn’t want to tell you why it is. It’s really nor something to make a fuss about if your relationship is good.

Youngmamaa2 · 02/12/2019 08:29

Go get in his bed and refuse to leave

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 02/12/2019 08:35

10 years is a long time. I've never slept with my partner as he's a night owl and I'm not. We sleep in the same bed but at different times. The odd occasion he comes to bed at the same time as me I can't sleep. I'd be horrified if he suddenly decided to change arrangements.

Why you ended up sleeping separately doesn't matter, the fact is you've been doing so for a decade. It is normal for your husband and you can't unilaterally decide for both of you to change the arrangement you've had for all those years. Like a previous poster I don't think talking of 'excuses' rather than the valid reasons he's happy to continue the status quo is going to lead to a productive conversation. By all means talk to him about why you feel the way you do, but don't start from the assumption that you are in the 'right', it is possible for both of you to be in the 'right' on this and for you to need to find a more creative compromise than simply going back to sharing a bed every night.

Verily1 · 02/12/2019 08:41

Sleeping together such an important part of a relationship for me

If the dcs were up he should have taken half the responsibility for the night wakings.

A job isn’t an excuse for refusing night feeds!

Who sleeps in the master?

Do the dcs share?

Could the spare be needed for something else?

DistanceCall · 02/12/2019 08:51

Some people prefer to sleep in separate beds, and even in separate rooms. It doesn't necessarily mean that he loves you or wants you any less.

Talk to him. But there is nothing wrong in preferring to sleep on your own.

Hotchox · 02/12/2019 08:53

Dunno if it's been mentioned, but you might manage a compromise of a bigger bed, and a duvet each? Most hotels provide this these days, and it makes a big difference to the night's sleep. Also, if one of you prefers a different temperature you can have a duvet to suit without boiling/freezing your partner.

chocolatebrioche · 02/12/2019 08:56

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds really tough for you.

I think a frank and honest conversation, when it’s just the two of you with no distractions, is the way forward.

Sounds like physical touch is your ‘love language’, and for those of us like you, a lack of our partner wanting to be close to us feels incredibly rejecting. He needs to understand this, but you will need to explain it! But without blaming him. I don’t think he knows how important this is for you.
I disagree that it’s too late to change the bedtime arrangements now. Relationships shift and evolve over time with differing circumstances. It suited you both before, but it doesn’t work for you now, so it’s a case of finding a solution or compromise that’s comfortable for you both.

You both must have got used to sleeping together at the start of your
relationship, so you can do it again.