to expect my husband to sleep with me?

[plumebaby]

We’ve been married a long time and used to sleep together before the kids came along. We started using separate beds when I was up all night with the babies. They’re now older and sleep through and I’m still in a separate bed! He will only sleep with me if we have sex and even then he gets up and goes to the other bed after a while. Last night I actually said to him to get in my bed please, I’d really like a cuddle. We cuddled and it was lovely. 10 minutes then he gets up and goes again! I have spoken to him about it and he comes out with a variety of excuses. The result is I feel extremely lonely. I’m on my own every single night. I used to be ok with this when I was exhausted from the kids but now it feels like I want the company/intimacy/togetherness? I can’t put my finger on it but it feels like we’ve only got half a marriage? Has anyone been through this and got any ideas or can help me?

@TheSandman

The cuddles, the warmth, knowing she's there when I wake in the middle of the night, being held. It's important. I need it. A lot of people do.

I would find this hugely suffocating , and something I would expect of a small child to be honest.

My ex was like this, always fawning over me, jumping off his chair to hug me every time I got up off the chair, standing in the doorway when I was going to the loo (with his arms outstretched,) saying 'hug hug hug,' coming up to me when I was doing the washing up and grabbing me from behind and squeezing me, and insisting I drop everything and 'HUG' him, and taking it as a personal slur against his masculinity when I wanted to sleep in another room because of his fidgeting, farting, and snoring.

Urgh, I shudder when I think of it now. I could never put up with that again. A needy, overly-tactile man who acted like a child. Best thing I did was dump him!

@thatdamnwoman surely that is more because, until very recently, love matches amongst the wealthy have been very rare? We could easily have separate bedrooms if we wanted to but choose not to. We both sleep better together (unless one of us is ill and snoring in which case we might choose to go to the spare bed after putting the ill person to bed). But if I had a husband I didn’t love I don’t think I’d want to share a bed out of pure resentment (I always prefer sharing beds when possible because I loathe sleeping alone, I slept in my mother’s bed until our relationship completely broke down and then just didn’t sleep properly until I met my husband).

I think the Queen and Prince Philip were a love match, weren't they – or as close to a love match as the royals get – and they had/ have separate rooms/ beds as far as I know. There must be a PhD thesis on class and bed-sharing somewhere...

You're very lucky if your sleeping styles/ needs match, but that doesn't mean it's the only way to do it. I've always felt slightly self-conscious about not routinely sharing a bed with my partner and a number of people have made comments indicating that they think we're not a proper couple/ we're on the verge of separation if we're not sharing a bed every night. It's good to see so many people here celebrating the joys of sleeping apart.

I would find this hugely suffocating , and something I would expect of a small child to be honest.

Oh thanks.

So bed is just for fucking and sleeping?

My ex was like this, always fawning over me, jumping off his chair to hug me every time I got up off the chair, standing in the doorway when I was going to the loo (with his arms outstretched,) saying 'hug hug hug,' coming up to me when I was doing the washing up and grabbing me from behind and squeezing me, and insisting I drop everything and 'HUG' him....

That does sound a little OTT.

Sorry, I was interrupted. Velvettenfruitbowl,

I always prefer sharing beds when possible because I loathe sleeping alone, I slept in my mother’s bed until our relationship completely broke down and then just didn’t sleep properly until I met my husband

Everyone is different, obviously, but personally I would regard being able to sleep well on one's own as a pretty basic life skill. A bit like being able to live independently.

I hate sharing a bed. I've slept on my own for so long. I find it difficult when my partner comes to stay but as we don't live together yet we do bunk up (in more ways than one) when he visits.
When we move in we are going to have separate rooms with visitation rights!
I hate it because he snores, steals the duvet, starfishes and doesn't read in bed which makes me feel like I should put the lamp out. I sleep dreadfully.
I need a good nights sleep and if he was lonely and felt he could interrupt mine just because he wanted my presence I'd be raging. Luckily he feels like same way as me.

I just figure we're apes, hairless apes albeit, and what I've seen of ape behaviour (thank you, Mr Attenborough) makes me think we're very odd (for apes) in the way we spend so little time in intimate contact with each other.

I have sleeping alone this week because my husband needs his sleep because it is a very busy time for him .... wonderful to have peace and quiet and a sweat free bed because he is always hot all the time. He always sleeps with his head under the quilt which I cannot stand. I like my head out so I can breathe properly. Dreading Christmas because the snoring sweaty man will be sleeping with me in my daughter spare room love the santa hats!

I have been

I think its important for you to honour that you aren't happy about this and for him to know that. It could be as nearlynermal has said that connection might be something to look at, counselling and rebuilding your bond now other pressures have eased. The only other thing I would say is what would you hope for your children as they will grow up seeing that Mum and Dad don't share a bedroom and they may wonder about this in the future as they realise other parents share. And the knock on may be that they normalise this. (For the record also had smaller similar situation but down to chronic snorer of DH who has sleep apnoea and now a CPAP machine.)

Good luck OP.

I think you need to talk to him.

Personally I don’t like sharing a bed with my husband as he tends to come up late and I’m a very light sleeper. We have two kids with Sen and sleep has been poor for the last ten years especially with the youngest whose 7 and still wakes up in the night so I end up sharing with our youngest.

I like my space in bed. And we have a king size so not a small bed.

Tell him how you feel about it. Is intimacy good in other ways?

Sandman, my Dh is like another posters ex. He wants to be hugged a lot and I feel it quite suffocating because I’m touched a lot by our kids so it can be quite exhausting when I like my space. I’m not a hugely huggy person.

I would love to have a bed to myself. I hate being cuddled at night. I am claustrophobic and love my own space. It may not be personal. That probably doesn't help, but I can see why your dh might be reluctant to share again.

I would also love to have a bed to myself. I go to bed, read a little and fall asleep. About 2 - 3 hours later my DH comes to bed, switches the light on and then uses his iPad with bright annoying light for an hour or so (reckons he cannot sleep if he doesn't). It's so hard to get to sleep with the light and I get anxious about it as I know that, if I don't, I won't sleep for the rest of the night as the horrifically loud snoring starts as soon as he falls asleep which wakes me and keeps me awake. The majority of the time this is so loud that I end up moving to the spare room and trying to sleep on a sofa (not on the very expensive mattress bought for my injured back that the snorer has the pleasure of!) or sometimes downstairs on a sofa due to the volume of the snoring; it can still be heard downstairs. I then get up for work 4 - 5 hours before DH needs to be up. I feel constantly knackered and sleep deprived but DH is so very against the idea of separate beds.

DH sees my reasons for bringing up the subject of separate beds as a variety of excuses too OP as - as far as he is concerned - sharing a bed is nice. We still share a bed as DH would be really upset not to, but when he goes away having uninterrupted sleep is bliss; it makes me feel like a new woman!!

Perhaps you could compromise as others have suggested and share occasionally, making it more regular if it suits you both?

75% of the time me and DH sleep in separate beds (for a variety of reasons) and I much prefer that than sharing a bed with him!

I sleep so much better when he’s not in the bed with me and I imagine he does too.

I'd love seperate beds. I hate sharing. Dh goes to bed early due to getting up 3am for work. I go later. So we are not really awake in bed together

Rigid but why is your DH’s need to share a bed more important than your need for a decent night’s sleep? If my DH insisted we shared a bed, or had counselling to ‘discuss it’, I would be filing for a divorce.

Personally I would hate a needy partner who wanted to be cuddled in bed.

Ragwort it isn't more important - he always falls asleep and stays asleep very easily whereas I am a light sleeper so even getting him to understand how disruptive it is is difficult. He simply fails to see it as a problem - to him you decide you're going to go to sleep and you do; job done. Luckily he isn't needy in terms of wanting to be cuddled in bed - in that respect I get space!!

There's only been one person that I've really loved sleeping with (and I think I was probably a bit needy in that relationship). Everyone else has just been annoying to some degree or another.

But I agree that the ability to sleep alone is important. Not just in a bed, but in a house. You see so many people having to go home to their parents because their partner is away for the weekend and they 'can't be in the house on their own', which makes me worry. What do they do when their parents are gone?

The posts about clingy partners reminds me of the guy who always wanted to fall asleep with his head on my shoulder, at just the right angle for a pool of rapidly cooling drool to collect in my collarbone area.

So bed is just for fucking and sleeping?

Well, yes, for some people (like me). And nothing wrong with that.

Well, yes, for some people (like me). And nothing wrong with that.

Didn't say there was, I just find it a bit sad. Some of my best times have been had in bed doing neither. But it'd be a funny old world if we were all the same.

I like our Sunday mornings in one bed with the dogs and coffee and an old-fashioned newspaper. I also enjoy a cuddle or sex in one bed, before one of the other slips off to our own. I tend to join my partner in bed because otherwise my partner tends to settle down and stay in mine with me. Still working on boundaries!

This whole thread is highlighting bed-sharing as an issue around which many people are making massive compromises. Some of the situations described, where people (it seems to be mainly women but this is MN) are being woken and kept awake by hot, snoring partners really distress me. You shouldn't have to suffer like this for one third of your life just to please your partner/ prevent rows/ hold a marriage together, surely?

Seems sensible to me to make separate rooms the norm and then people can choose if they want to share. Sharing should be something that both agree to and enjoy, not automatically expected.

Didn't say there was, I just find it a bit sad. Some of my best times have been had in bed doing neither.

Yes, well, personally I find eating in bed disgusting, for example. And I prefer to read elsewhere. For me, what is sad is spending a lot of time in bed. Each to their own.

DistanceCall I am with you - bed is for sleeping and sex. I HATE lying in, eating in bed etc. When I wake up I am out of bed. I love to read and be lazy as much as anyone else but just don't choose bed to lounge about in.

About 2 - 3 hours later my DH comes to bed, switches the light on and then uses his iPad with bright annoying light for an hour or so (reckons he cannot sleep if he doesn't).

That is so fucking selfish.