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Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
PurpleEllie · 01/12/2019 20:34

If he gave up his job on the understanding that you would support him financially, I would assume that would mean paying for his child. I assume you haven't informed HIM that he will now have to eat/shop/live on a reduced budget, so why should his daughter?

smsd33 · 01/12/2019 20:35

If the maintenance was £100,000 in the past there should have been a lot of it saved. Life happens, people die, lose their jobs etc etc. I don't think you should have to contribute to the maintenance and you should do whatever the heck you like with regards to your wedding.

user1471449295 · 01/12/2019 20:35

Not any of best friends DW business.
However, I can see their perspective. Your fiancé has career change and chucks high 6 figure salary for around 30k. His DC lifestyle has greatly changed. Whereas he still lives high flying lifestyle.
His DC will work this out when she’s older too

Cantsleeppast3am · 01/12/2019 20:36

If the child is used to ski trips, tutoring etc then yes it is very detrimental to stop. Sounds a little like you think you get a bit of a say over their lifestyle???

Hope he really loves you op and he's not a bit of a gold digger

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 20:36

And learning to accept that you can't have everything you want and that life's circumstances can take a turn for the worse is a valuable lesson for his DD

This would sound better if her Dad was taking hit in 'life circumstances' - but he isn't.

I don't for a moment think it sounds like the child is going to "suffer" because clearly she is not on the breadline.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 20:36

Ooh look fabbychic is back with more wisdom Grin

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/12/2019 20:36

well the figures put a slightly different complexion on it

nonetheless, he's not having to compromise on his own lifestyle and is paying 10% of what he was. It's hard not to see that as selfish and unreasonable.

Your wedding has nothing to do with it however.

CornforthWhite · 01/12/2019 20:36

His poor daughter. Please have a rethink.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 20:36

I'd be miffed if a partner wanted me to carry on working in a stressful job, that had previously caused a heart attack.

Instead of thinking about the op should support the child fully. Think about what would have happened if the op wasn't around.

Regardless of if now or in a few years, the dad could have changed jobs to a much lower one. Which he now has. Are people really suggesting that when he's earning 30k a year he should continue handing over 100k a year?

user1471449295 · 01/12/2019 20:37

Also, no I don’t think your income should be taken in to consideration. However, as a father I would have thought HE would bare this in mind

mrscampbellblackagain · 01/12/2019 20:37

Thing is, if you are used to a six figure lifestyle and your child is - well then shopping at aldi etc will be a shock. I know they get no sympathy on here but it is true.

Especially when daddy gets to continue his millionaire lifestyle but funded by his new wife.

Honestly, if you earn nearly a million a year you can just drop your chanel handbag habit and pay for a school trip and decent maintenance.

I know people who have done that because they are decent people. In fact on that money you can still buy the hand bags and fund a step child because you are very very rich.

TisTheSeasonToBeJollyFaLaLa · 01/12/2019 20:38

I wouldn't contribute, you'd be subsidising the mothers lifestyle too (it's probably the main reason she's so pissed off), why should you do that? You aren't responsible for his children, I don't understand why people are suggesting you subsidise his family. As long as he meets the payments based on his salary it's fine. Don't feel guilty about spending the money you've worked for.

UniversalAunt · 01/12/2019 20:39

‘What prompted this was a diagnosis of stress induced (we think) heart attack and his doctor's suspicions that he was suffering from anxiety and depression.’

Welcome to teaching!

Looking for a Teach Lite role to manage stress & avoid recurrence of anxiety and depression...join the queue over there by the rainbow. The unicorn there will help you out with the forms.

TooLittleTooLate80 · 01/12/2019 20:39

I know this doesn't fit the usual criteria of a cocklodger given he'll still be an earning, qualified professional but he's certainly using you as a safety net and a bit of an excuse to previous parental responsibilities...

BigChocFrenzy · 01/12/2019 20:39

MrsCampbell The issue is whether the partner of an NRP is supposed to pay to keep the kids of her partner in their previous luxurious lifestyle

Totally different to the partner of an RP
Totally different to reducing maintenance because of having more kids with a new partner

With voluntary maintenance of 1300/month from his savings, no mortgage or private school,
the ex should be able to manage a comfortable standard of living for the kids- especially if she works too

PegasusReturns · 01/12/2019 20:40

It's pretty distasteful on the part of your DP: he's basically made a decision m that has no negative impact on him but a huge negative impact on his DC. That's pretty shitty behaviour.

donnalou76 · 01/12/2019 20:41

@HanginWithMyGnomies

I couldn't agree more!

mrscampbellblackagain · 01/12/2019 20:41

ok, lets look at this another way. This is your step child - hopefully at the very least you feel affection for?

I am lucky in that we are comfortable - I therefore choose to help/spoil my nephews and nieces when I can because I love them.

Surely it is just like that really - you have loads of money, you have step daughter - why not pay for her ski trip? It makes no financial difference to you and it is a nice thing to do.

Taxiparent · 01/12/2019 20:41

Sorry, couldn’t get past the retraining as a teacher in order to have a less stressful job. That wake up call will be quick to arrive!
I wonder if you both will consider the move a successful one in 3 years time, teaching is not a sensible choice for someone who has already had a stress induced heart attack and has suffered from anxiety and depression.
I also understand that it is your money to do with what you please, however you are subsidising your partner and allowing him to retrain, yet to a certain extent his childcare responsibilities are a part of his responsibilities.

iknowimallmine · 01/12/2019 20:41

Gosh you are being bashed for no reason. Some people are just strange. Have the wedding you want OP and don't care about what others say about it, it's your money and no one has the right to tell you what to do with it.

As for the Childcare payment's what would the ex have done if your partner didn't meet you? He would have had to leave the job eventually anyway as it was no sustainable for him considering his health. His ex would have ended up with nothing if he just had to change jobs without your support. £100,000 is a significant amount of money. It's ridiculous to spend it all. Why didn't she save up when she was getting that much money? More over what kind of message is she sending to her daughter? that she can spend whatever she wasn't and bank of dad will always be there to support her? No, kids need to learn that there can be changes in family circumstances and you just have to learn to live within your means. Money doesn't buy happiness. She should be grateful if the necessities of life are met. Ski trip is a luxury not a necessity and many kids don't go if their parents don't have money.

Op you don't need to pay for luxuries. It's between your partner and his ex. What is she doing to support her child?

Adenosine · 01/12/2019 20:42

I guess if you're financially supporting him you're meeting all of his other financial commitments but not the financial commitment he has to his daughter so yeah it will sting.

ThanksItHasPockets · 01/12/2019 20:42

Are you making up the shortfall on any of his other financial commitments?

Bigbigboots · 01/12/2019 20:42

To me it sounds as though he has thought to himself that he doesn't need the high wage anymore, only he does need it. He needs it to pay for the child he left behind. It also sounds like you could as a couple afford to still pay more but legally don't have to so you don't. You are within your legal rights but I'm not liking either of you.

poorstudent1010 · 01/12/2019 20:43

As if almost-millionaires spend time on hereShock I certainly wouldn’t!

His drop in income is significant, I can definitely see how this would change his daughter’s quality of life.

However £100k a year in child support is obviously not being used solely on the child, let’s be honest he was supporting his ex’s high quality of life too.

I don’t think you should personally give them ~£85k a year to “top up” the payments back to how they used to be though.

carlywurly · 01/12/2019 20:43

Wow. Xh is a pretty high earner - not in that league but enough that I've always had generous maintenance. I've always saved as much as possible to reduce any dependency on him. I've also retrained to ensure I have a decent career in my own right when it stops.

I think the biggest factor is communication here. If you haven't given the ex much notice of the change, I can quite understand her being miffed at such a drop. She might need to rethink living arrangements on such a reduced income and get a job if she doesn't currently work or up hours if she does.

While it's not your personal responsibility, it's your future husband's child. I couldn't see a child go without in your circumstances. Perhaps trips could be part of Christmas or birthday presents or you could more gradually step the contributions back.