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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/12/2019 20:25

I'd have doubts about marrying a man prepared to see his children go without whilst he is supported - in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed - by a new partner.

Andysbestadventure · 01/12/2019 20:26

His Daughter doesn't have a 'right' to the level of lifestyle she was accustomed to. Nor does his Ex. No one has a right to luxury 🙄

MargotMoon · 01/12/2019 20:26

If his DD feels loved and wanted by her father then ignore the snarky comments about money. Your DP could have dropped dead from stress and then she wouldn't have a dad at all so retraining was the right thing to do. And learning to accept that you can't have everything you want and that life's circumstances can take a turn for the worse is a valuable lesson for his DD (& ex...)

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 20:26

Don’t they take household income into account when working out maintenance?

No just the non resident parent's (quite rightly)

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 20:26

Any RP or NRP who marries a wealthy partner is likely to have a much better standard of living than their ex

My experience is that when it is the RP, the wealthy step parent funds a great deal for the child that resides in that household, BigChocFrenzy

OP is being very clear that she doesn't want to fund anything

Firstdatesboxsets · 01/12/2019 20:27

YABU.
I wouldn’t marry a man who cared so little for his child.
Mind you, you do not seem to see how wrong it is so....

Lllot5 · 01/12/2019 20:27

While I think it’s not up to you to pay his maintenance( £1300 a month won’t be ongoing amount once he’s qualified I’m guessing it’ll be less?)
I personally could not do it if the roles were reversed. For instance marry a rich man while my kids struggle to pay their bills. Couldn’t do it I’d feel guilty about every holiday every shopping spree everything. I’m surprised he doesn’t.

BigChocFrenzy · 01/12/2019 20:28

"step fathers are expected to fund their step children where as step mothers are not."

That's because the kids usually live with the mother & step-father

The OP would BVVU not to pay in full for the kids, including ski trips etc if the kids lived with her and their dad

mrscampbellblackagain · 01/12/2019 20:28

Exactly Sweeney! The poor DP gets to be all woke and worthy whilst supported by his new wife.

I just can't imagine being the type of person who is super wealthy and begrudges a child a ski trip with what is to most people pocket change.

saraclara · 01/12/2019 20:28

If daughter's isn't at private school, I'm at a loss at a) how they spent £100k pa, and b) how school trips can't be afforded on £1300 a month when her mum has no mortgage to pay in the house she's been given.

My attitude is starting to change since my last post.

NellieEllie · 01/12/2019 20:28

Drop in income will affect his child. Drop in income due to OP subsidising retraining and giving up his job.
OP spending huge amount on wedding.
Who loses out?
Not him.
Not OP
Just his child.
Mmmm.

Quartz2208 · 01/12/2019 20:28

Has the Ex actually said anything though - there is no sense that she just that HIS friends have said that it is odd

So OP has his Ex actually said anything - is she even friends with the person who said anything. Or are his friends looking at it and saying its odd

Purpleartichoke · 01/12/2019 20:29

If he chose a less lucrative career because he can still live a nice life with you subsidizing him, then I see the point. I don’t think support should ever go down without a significant justification. A system that bases it purely on percentage of income is fundamentally flawed.

That is a social policy issue though. The law needs to change to make parents keep their financial commitments.

FabbyChix · 01/12/2019 20:29

How can he be selfish when he has a heart attack and left a job that could have left his child without a father. I’m sorry but his ex doesn’t get to moan she gets to reduce the luxuries or earns more herself. The op does not have to facilitate luxuries. Providing he is paying for extras that are necessary I don’t see what the problem is. I wouldn’t pay maintenance for someone else’s kids when they have another parent who can earn more themselves

mrscampbellblackagain · 01/12/2019 20:29

But bigchoc - don't you think it is just mean to not pay for a ski trip if you are a millionaire which clearly the OP is if she makes high six figures every year?

Honestly, I just couldn't imagine being so tight.

It is like buying a coffee to most people.

MadeForThis · 01/12/2019 20:29

If dp had never met you what would he have done after his heart attack? Would he still have retrained as a teacher? I bet he wouldn't. He's not prepared to drop his own standard of living but he'll happily do it to his dd.

No one is entitled to a luxurious lifestyle but it's all dd has known. It's being taken away but her dads isn't.

If you don't make this fairer for dd he will lose her respect and most likely their relationship.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/12/2019 20:30

£10,000 a month DOWN to £1300

It's not really ok for her to go from having the same life as her friends down to nothing Hmm

That's what you should consider, not that £1300 is enough

Frankly ski trips are standard for her group

And retraining as a teacher - one of the most stressful jobs - I know, I'm married to one

Dixiechickonhols · 01/12/2019 20:30

If he had died in old job then presumably there would have been death in service payments, life insurance that would have paid out to benefit child.
So he’s paying 1/10th of old payment and barely seeing child (1/5 day a week and every other weekend) so Mum dealing with most of issues.
I don’t run at that sort of income level but if child has had a pony, ballet lessons, weekly maths and English tutor, private music lessons for 10 years and now pony has been sold and she’s doing a lot less of extra curricular it’s going to hit child hard. Even in state schools trips can be several thousand again if she’s always gone it will be hard for them to understand especially if daddy then has a big wedding and lavish honeymoon.

faevern · 01/12/2019 20:30

So his maintenance has dropped from 100k a year to just over 15k a year, we’re not talking a few grand then and then he is happy to have your dream wedding because you financially support him earning high 6 figures circa £800k a year. How crass.

Yes his DD is his responsibility and you may not have grown up with that lifestyle but they clearly have. Surely he considered the effect on his DD and discussed his financial responsibilities before choosing a teaching job, which is stressful with a much much less financial reward.
Hmm

notthemum · 01/12/2019 20:32

FFS. It's not up to the op to provide maintenance for her fiance's child.
Some people seem to think she is responsible for him giving up his well paid job and so cutting payments for the child who previously had a much more privileged lifestyle.
The op is responsible for being a kind and loving partner, supporting his mental health and his desire to become a teacher. Had she not done this he may not even be here to give his ex and child anything.
The op has worked bloody hard for what she has and there is no reason at all why she should not have the wedding she wants or why she should pay for màtainance.
If the child was going to starve without her help that would be different but they are not.

FabbyChix · 01/12/2019 20:32

It doesn’t cost nearly fuck all a month to house and cloth a child I raised two with no maintenance. So all that spare a month she be getting she don’t use she can save that and not use it to bolster her own lifestyle as that’s what most women do use the maintenance so they can reduce their own obligations or pay towards what they need. Kids are cheap

EstebanTheMagnificent · 01/12/2019 20:32

How can he be selfish when he has a heart attack and left a job that could have left his child without a father.

Given that he is retraining to teach, frying pans and fires come to mind.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 20:33

Is your dp not contributing anything to the wedding?

NichyNoo · 01/12/2019 20:34

Love the idea that he's re-training as a teacher to have a less stressful job! Unless he was a brain surgeon originally, he's going to be in for a terrible shock (and an absolutely huge pay cut).

donnalou76 · 01/12/2019 20:34

@Jpw74
I completely agree with you! She would be getting no maintenance at all if he had died from a heart attack or had a complete mental breakdown. As long as he is contributing as much as he can and being a good dad they should be happy! Skiing trips and extra tutoring are not essential to a well rounded happy child! As for your wedding, you earned the money so do what you bloody well like with it!