Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

I suppose you dislike his daughter? She is old enough to notice the significant drop in her lifestyle, and will only blame him (and you) for it. But i expect that you are pleased about that!

OP the fact it his friends think that it is odd and that he is not being fair expecting his daughter to shoulder the effects of this whilst he has not.

Has his lifestyle changed at all apart from the fact that you are enabling and supporting him to do something worthwhile and what he cares about - but has his spending actually changed?

what about if you split up with him how would that be - what would be the split then. Who owns and pays for your house.

I wonder how much his friends find the whole thing odd and are worried about his daughter and you

and £1300 is still a very good amount for a month and that too without rent or mortgage. We manage to have a very comfortable life for less than that and we live in London.

Can you please share what you both do/did to earn salaries of about £900,000-I honestly have no idea what careers pay that much other than pro footballers, actors or pop stars!

Just so I know which direction to point my kids in!

"I assume you haven't informed HIM that he will now have to eat/shop/live on a reduced budget, so why should his daughter?"

The OP has obligations to support a partner to her normal lifestyle standard, but none to keep his non-resident 1st family in luxury

To me it sounds as though he has thought to himself that he doesn't need the high wage anymore, only he does need it.

Did you miss the bit about a heart attack?

Bicghoc - maybe it is not about doing the bare minimum? Maybe a super loaded NRP's partner may choose to help because that is the good and right thing to do?

We are talking vast incomes here - not the new wife sacrificing a whole lot really. Honestly as I have said before I would gladly fund the new child in this situation because a ski trip etc is comparatively little money.

if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so

This made me laugh it's like he's incidental to the whole proceedings!

I don't see why you should fund the maintenance - but can see why ex might be a little peeved at the drop in lavish lifestyle.

Ffs it is not the op’s responsibility to ensure dp’s ex continues to live in the lap of luxury to the detriment of her dp’s health. If dp had not given up the stressful employment there is a good chance he wouldn’t still be alive. Do those who say he should have continued in his previous employment really think that he should have to work till he dropped so his ex could rake in the money and his dd have her ski trips!

The ex obviously got a house and probably a significant payout when they divorced, as well as receiving £100000 a year In maintenance. I would have hoped she would have been putting money aside in savings, in case the money tree dried up!

Is the real issue that dsd has had to give up so much, or is it that the ex wife has had to curb her spending? I think that it dreadful that dp’s best friend’s wife challenged the op over this on a night out! Plus it’s absolutely not her’s or anyone else’s business how much op spends on the wedding. If she feels so strongly about it, I don’t suppose she would want an invite, so would just delete her name off the guest list.

Of course, he takes the risk that if this marriage also ends in divorce, then he'll have a teacher's standard of living

OP do you have a child with him?

And Is he contributing anything to the wedding? Or your home at all?

Jpw74 Sun 01-Dec-19 20:00:52
@CurlyTwirlyTwos thank you! I know others have said teaching is stressful, but he had this moment where he realised he was not contributing anything to the world and had always wanted to teach maths, promote STEM in underprivileged schools and I am really proud of him that he took this leap of faith
........
I would be proud of him too and the fact that he is paying decent maintenance out of his savings shows him to be a good man. I'm sure his daughter would rather have a happy, healthy father than a very rich one who suddenly drops down dead.

However I can see that taking a substantial dip in income would not be easy to get used to.

Regarding your wedding, I understand you want a good celebration but please don't be too 'flash' with it. Keep it classy - and don't talk about it to people! If you had been more discreet your partner's friends wouldn't have made any comment - which was very rude in my opinion.

Make sure you involve your partner's daughter in your wedding.

Good luck to you all, hope everything works out.

On here men's money in a marriage is to be shared, a woman's is not it seems. I'm not sure, I think 'just because you didnt' is a petty reason to think that his DD should miss out on opportunities he could have afforded if he hadn't jacked his job in to live off of you and pursue a career that many people drop out of within the first few years. He made the decision to drop salary no doubt knowing you could bank roll him, therefore as that factored into his decision I think he should continue to pay to be honest. Although it's staggering that he went from a ridiculously high wage to a distinctly average one; assuming he must have skills and experience to command a lot of pay, surely he could have found similar work but in a better company, or working part time etc.

Of course, he takes the risk that if this marriage also ends in divorce, then he'll have a teacher's standard of living

My guess is he’ll wangle a big spousal maintenance payment from OP if that happens.

True fact bigchoc! Then the glamorous stress free life of a teacher may not be so attractive

The figure I would be interested in is the cost of the dream wedding.

And how many months (years?) of maintenance it is costing.

If mum is expected to have serious savings after getting c£100k maintenance a year. Presumably dad has mega mega mega savings after getting to keep the other 400k ish (I’ve assumed earnings of £800k but 40% tax) and not even having any kids to be responsible for on a day to day basis.

So paying £1300 a month out of what must be millions in savings seems a little on the mean side really.

"For those railing against the OP as selfish- if your partner had a work related, life threatening health care issue would you be pushing their nose back to the grindstone for the sake of money?"

But he's going into Teaching and at underprivileged schools at that.

He's got a very idealistic view of disadvantaged schools and I bet it won't be long before he retires from that.

OP why aren't you inclined to make sure your Stepdaughter doesn't suffer? You haven't given your reason other than the Mother should have saved.

You're getting a bit hammered here. Have the feeling there's a lot of first wives or potential FW with kids suffering transferrence.

Enjoy your wedding. Hope it's lovely.

Congratulations on supporting your partner and helping him prioritise his mental health. If you were a man and he woman, you'd be praised as a god among men...

In terms of his daughter, 1300 is loads. I don't think you should be obliged to specifically add to that maintenance or to in any way support the ex-wife.
If the child is suffering (don't think you've mentioned that she is but if she is), would you consider paying for the one-off stuff i.e. school trips, pony lessons, whatever. That would be fair and help her keep up with the other kids. She will be your stepdaughter and that could help you bond if you're subsidising activities.

And don't forget, when was paying 100k a year he was also paying for trips etc. He didn't have to do that. Now it's mums turn to use the money she has previously been getting, the money she now gets and the money she earns to pay for the optional extras.

I feel very sorry for his daughter, having her lifestyle curtailed while seeing you two having such an extravagant time of it.
And you can bet your life that if your husband's best friend's wife is the one giving you this reality check then all the other friends will have the same opinion.
This girl is going to be your step daughter, for goodness' sake. You need to treat her with the respect she deserves.

MrsCampbell I'd feel obliged to pay their rent / mortgage and food, if my partner couldn't,
but not to pay 5-10k for ski trips
and certainly not to pay 100,000 per years+ trips

There is a moral obligation to support a comfortable standard of living for the kids, which 1300/month is, with no mortgage or school fees

No obligation to keep them in luxury & privilege that only 1% of the country enjoy

It's not really relevant what people on MN think. People who actually know you think its shitty behaviour.
I can't imagine how a successful, mature individual would seriously think a snazzy wedding is worth all this fallout.

So when you sat down and decided your partner would consider leaving his job, presumably you looked at all his outgoings and worked out if you would be able to cover them, something like each month

Phone bill £100
Car costs £1000
Memberships £500

You decided that you had more than enough money to do this, but when you got to the Child Maintemance' part of this, you both just ignored that it would go down?

So what sacrifices is your partner making? As you said there is plenty left over in the pot so I'm guessing he still has his lifestyle, gym and gold memberships, ski holidays etc. yes? Whilst his daughter who, you're correct doesn't need them but has been exposed to them and now having them taken away from her! That's the problem here, would he have dropped his salary so much had they still been a family unit??

You're getting a bit hammered here. Have the feeling there's a lot of first wives or potential FW with kids suffering transferrence

I think there's quite a few first wives on this thread getting next to fuck all from their ex's and thinking the ex in this case should suffer the same as them.

What has respect got to do with going on a school ski trip?

What's wrong with mum using 1300 a month and the income she earns to fund it. That's what 1300 a month. Just because he's paying all these things on top, doesn't mean this should continue regardless.