Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP doesn't even know if the ex is moaning about it. it could quite easily be the friends think the wedding sounds crass/ are jealous etc and just made a sly dig. The ex might be sat at (her all paid for home) with her savings of the past x years thinking 'well that was nice while it lasted'.. It sounds more like money has been thrown at them rather than her scrounging for it. It was the DP that WANTED to giver her financial security/ set her up in business etc? He seems very fond of her for a 2 week fling?

I can see his ex’s point, I really can. I have children with exH and if he suddenly said he was going to drastically reduce CM so he could ‘retrain’ and simultaneously had a flashy expensive wedding I’d be majorly fucked off. She sees it as him valuing you and your marriage over their child, I understand that completely. She probably doesn’t realise you are the one paying for it all.

Ex is a golddigger and the daughter is spoilt
Op DONT make up the difference as if he didn't change career he would probably be dead now and what would the ex do then
Have the best wedding and ignore the nasty comments just cos your in your 40s does not mean you can't have a big white wedding how ridiculous ppl are saying that

Just came on to say that I am related to a few teachers and am pissing myself that he thinks teaching is a suitable job for someone prone to stress 😂

Come on people - what kind of HF manager would think or behave like this?
If you’re earning £800k a year, you don’t just spend it or put it into savings
Your job is advising people how to make their money work for them.
HF managers are approached all the time with various investment schemes, tax free vehicles, property etc. Much of the money would be off-shore or tied up in long-term investment schemes; share portfolios; the City Index and whatever. At a certain point, you don’t spend your income, you get to a position where you largely live off the dividends it creates and in the most tax-efficient way.
If you have millions in an investment bank, you don’t withdraw this money if you can borrow against it at lower interest rates than the interest : dividends the amount is earning for you.
No HF manager would switch to teaching and say, “well that’s it. I’ll be managing on £25k from here in in.” He probably receives many multiples of that in dividends alone.

But when you start getting into high six figures and obscene amounts of money, at a certain amount it stops being about supporting the child

Yes, like I said- Its about providing a lifestyle that reflects that of the NRP. So if the NRP is living off high six figures then the child’s lifestyle should reflect that.

What I don’t understand is why everyone is bashing the OP, the only adult who didn’t create the child, and saying she should pay to maintain the child’s lifestyle.

I think it’s because OP has maintained her partner has next to no income and she is covering all his bills. Apart from this one. Which people are understandably struggling with. Why pick just this one of his bills not to pay when she is happy to cover all his other costs? But as it happens I don’t think this is the situation at all.

What I've got from this thread is...

1. I'm in the wrong job

2. I'm having flings with the wrong men!!!

life!

So true Cosima.... I'm calling BS

To be honest, if the only income he has is his £25k from teaching, despite earning £800k a year as a hedge fund manager, then I’m not surprised he was stressed at work. He was obviously a crap hedge fund manager if he has no investments/portfolios etc himself. cosima1 is completely right.
Or alternatively... none of this is actually true!

I can see his ex’s point

She hasn’t made one.

Ex is a golddigger and the daughter is spoilt

gold star for not reading the thread.

Op how does friend know about reduced maintenance?
Friend didn’t say op should pay his maintenance just it’s bad taste to have big expensive wedding.
It was assumed ex was telling friend but it doesn’t sound like friend would know ex if it was a short 2 week fling.
People don’t usually say things like this outright she must feel strongly.
For example if best friend and wife are child’s godparents and took her out to tea and say how’s pony club and goddaughter tearfully sits there and says blossom has been sold I can’t go anymore then next you are discussing lavish wedding plans you can see why friends wife may have spoken out.
If it’s not really affecting child then I can’t see how they would have known let alone commented.

Yep. This guy, If he exists, Has money even he hasn’t forgotten about.

has forgotten about.

YABU for thinking teaching will be less stressful.

Surely with all this money you can afford to have a wedding AND send DSD on a state school ski trip??? It's not like we're really talking one or the other is it??

who the fuck earns 800k? doing what

seriously can someone tell me this i will RETRAIN and beg.... lol!

christ id kill for 80k never mind adding an extra 0!

carly2803 hedge fund managers

I think it’s because OP has maintained her partner has next to no income and she is covering all his bills. Apart from this one. Which people are understandably struggling with. Why pick just this one of his bills not to pay when she is happy to cover all his other costs? But as it happens I don’t think this is the situation at all.

I’m beginning to think it’s not quite true either but I’m bored and it’s 35 degrees and I have nothing better to do than sit under the aircon and argue.

I think the issue is possibly the amount of money. Because I think everyone is in agreement no child needs £100K in expenses. Yes, the father should pay to reflect his lifestyle and earnings. His fiancé, not so much. Just as I imagine she wouldn’t pay above and beyond any of his other bills, if they were as ridiculous.

The main thing to some posters is the child leads the same level of lifestyle, yes? That is absolutely doable on £1300 per month CMS, plus whatever her mother earns. There’s no mortgage or private school fees to be maintained, the OP has already said the child will be included in their holidays etc. it seems to come down to a ski trip essentially but I don’t believe neither the mother nor father don’t have the money to pay that considering his previous income, and her previous CMS.

From what I gather, she will still have the same house, friends, school, holidays, dunno what clothes or gadgets she’s used to but I could buy the latest brands and gadgets if I had £1300 per month CMS honestly.

So if we want to get pedantic, yes the OP could be nice and spoil her DSD. But it should be at her discretion. She shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for not paying £100K per year in CMS for a child that isn’t hers. She, like most people, probably wouldn’t spend that on her own biological children. I wouldn’t, even if I was loaded. So therefore I guess technically my own kids would have “a lifestyle that wouldn’t reflect mine” if I had that sort of money, but didn’t buy them Gucci and Chanel on a daily basis. I mean I wouldn’t buy it for myself either, but I don’t see a problem with the OP having the wedding she wants. Not my thing, but I have a couple of wacky “priorities” that people judge me about because they don’t include my children.

None of this would be an issue if the ‘friend’ didn’t know how much you were sep ding on the wedding. How does she know this? I never told anyone (even close friends) how much my wedding was.

PP are completely right that the stresses of teaching are wholly incomparable to the stresses of managing multi-million or billion deals in very high-pressure environments.

However - the path from City financial careers to teaching maths in inner-city schools is quite well-trodden, and I have directly worked with quite a few such career-changers. You cannot underestimate the culture shock of going from a high-status career and being used to commanding a certain degree of respect and deference, to standing in front of thirty disaffected teenagers who give absolutely no fucks about your prior gilded career, personal wealth, and excellent qualifications. It is a new stress all of its own and whilst OP’s partner’s ambitions are laudable, for a middle-aged man who has already had one stress-related heart attack and suffers from possible depression and anxiety I would advise caution.

Completely agree awkwardfucker It’s not like the mother and child will be kicked out of their (probably large) house and she has to leave her expensive private education.

I suspect the ‘ex’ just won’t be spending all the money on cars/clothes and whatever else she had been doing. She still has the house!

No child needs £8900 per month.

So to sum up:

• man has a 2-3 week fling that results in a child
• he buys fling woman a house and gives her 100K a year for many years
• he has a heart attack, suddenly sees life differently and takes a low-paying worth job, out of which he will pay a mere 16K a year to support one child (that being multiples of what CMS would require)

According to most on MN, he's a complete cunt.

I think this thread needs to go in classics.

Clearly something has happened to make friends wife think the DD is now getting a lot less maintenance. What I suspect is that when the DP decided to make this career change he/OP brought it up in casual conversation with his friends and someone, possibly this woman, said “does that mean DD will lose the large child maintenance?” (which she knows about because I get the impression OP and her DP brag about money a lot) DP or the OP said “well yes of course because he is only earning £25k now”. All forgotten about until OP stated listing all her wedding expenses in the same company and woman remembered the previous conversation about cutting maintenance.

I think this thread needs to go in classics.

Or to spam?