Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

This is actually quite interesting. Current wife definately doesn't have to pay maintenance to spouses child. Also you can have the wedding you want. Also it makes sense that he took a pay it for his health.

Imagine if dad married a millionaire and decided to quit his job to become a house husband. He had zero income and therefore couldn't pay maintenance. He would travel the world and live a luxury lifestyle. Then mom would struggle to pay for everything other than contact days. I can see why ex would be a bit upset. But it still isn't new wife's responsibility but I can see why it might rub people the wrong way. I know this is not the scenario here but I feel like the same principle applies. Child's lifestyle changes while dad's remain the same.

Another way to look at this is to ask why the Mother let her ex support her to live the life she had become accustomed to instead of getting off her arse and getting a job? She was given a mortgage free house - the 1K surely was not going to the daugher. You can bet at least 50% if not more was going to the ex. No way should the ex be expected to keep this up indefinitely. I wonder how many holidays she took at his expense while he was destroying his health?

Of course. He'll eat bake brand whilst OP will have a lavish meal in front of her. She'll go on fab holidays whilst he stays home as can't afford to join her. He'll go on the bus whilst she goes everywhere in taxis.

You say that with such sarcasm like all wealthy people eat caviar and shit hundreds? Even when we had a larger disposable income we watched our money. We have never been abroad as a family, our family holidays have always been in Australia. I generally bought home brand where I could, and often take public transport as I find parking fees and the price of petrol ludicrous. I can afford to do lots of things that I chose not to. Most people who are loaded are loaded because they are careful.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP, realistically your DSS mum would age known the £ wouldn’t have been forever, she should have had the forethought to nest the money away each month for when DD gets older.

Your DP had a heart attack FFs, I think people are totally missing that here.
I think that given his ill health he would have been well within his rights to take a break from work altogether. The fact he’s actually retraining for something else is admirable.

He’s bought DSd’s mum a house, funded her lifestyle for god knows how many years, it’s time she stepped up and funded things herself.

I can not even imagine where the money has gone - designer gear, lavish holidays?!

Personally I don’t think it is for you to fund DSDs mums lifestyle, she needs to get a job to do that..... all I would do is make sure that DSD doesn’t suffer the brunt from her mum about it all. If the mum is bitching to friends then she will most likely be doing the same to DSD.

Enjoy your wedding, do it your way, it’s your money.

But that happens to everyone at some point in their life if their parents are wealthy. I know mine are certainly wealthier than me. When she turns 18 or finish Uni or whatever, he will still be living the life of luxury while she’s probably not. Is that not ok?

The children of millionaires become poor at 18?

Also, the child isnt 18. What happens at 18 is irrelevant. He has taken a drop in income, for no reason. Because lets be fair, working a stressful job for 30k isnt any better than a stressful job at 800k

Its not going to resolve any issues. But it's worth a punt, because he suffered no impact of it.

Ohh and for what it’s worth, in the 12 years I have been with DH, I have been abroad 5 times. 3 times with the kids, and twice by myself. DH has never left the country. So yes, it’s entirely possible to do things like that separately even as part of a couple. Not sure why you think it’s not.

Jesus Christ the vitriol being spewed out on here is unreal. The ex was creaming that 100k a year. If the kid goes to state school and the mortgage is paid then there is no way even half of that 100k went on the kid, unless she was taken on monthly trips to New York and dressed head to toe in high end designer gear. 1300 a month is more than enough to buy her clothes, send her on school trips (it's a state school so they're not going to be going to the Swiss Alps every month on ski trips) and cover everything that was covered before. What exactly could have been bought for a kid that costs nearly 10 grand a month? Think about it. There are no school fees, no mortgage. £1300 towards food, clothes, regular treats and once or twice a year school trips including one big holiday with her mother still leaves lots of money left over. For goodness sake, that's only about £300 less per month than what a teacher/nurse/police officer etc earns on a monthly salary. Which is coming out of the husbands savings. There is something far wrong if this amount can't cover school trips, clothes and treats. If they wanted to be mean about it then he could pay what he should be paying which would be about £150 a month. She is also at state school so I very much doubt all her friends are living like the kids off clueless, out shopping in Gucci, Prada etc every weekend.

The mother is getting more than enough, i have no doubt in my mind that the maintenance went towards paying for a very comfortable lifestyle for the mother. She's fizzing that the high lifestyle had now stopped.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a big wedding in your 40s, jeez it's not like you're in your 80s. I feel very sorry for a lot of these people who think that the norm is to live with restrictions on your life due to a number and what other people will think. You do what you want with your life. If a nice wedding is what you want then a nice wedding is what you shall have!

I've not been on mumsnet that long, I didn't realise the amount of nasty people it attracted. I would only hope that they are people who only spew that level of vitriol online where they can hide behind anonymity; I would hope they aren't such nasty, spiteful bitter battleaxes in real life. They must be very unhappy people.

Also really unsure why everyone is so focused on teaching being so stressful. Hasn’t anyone ever heard the saying ‘find a job you love, and you will never work a day in your life’?
While teaching might be stressful to some, is could be his calling and he could absolutely love every single second of it. And he could have thought about driving his car off a cliff on the way to work every single day at his old high paying job. A job you loathe is soul destroying.

Your DP had a heart attack FFs, I think people are totally missing that here.
I think that given his ill health he would have been well within his rights to take a break from work altogether. The fact he’s actually retraining for something else is admirable.

I agree that if his stress induced ill health has stopped him working altogether, then that's just how it is

But to choose a very very stressful career after already having employment induced stress ill health - well, it's just ridiculous imo

“I think that given his ill health he would have been well within his rights to take a break from work altogether. The fact he’s actually retraining for something else is admirable.”

See I think it’s the exact opposite, if he was doing something that actually benefited his health but also cut his income it would make sense, I wouldn’t criticise that the same way.

But doing something that doesn’t benefit his health and cuts his income?...

You shouldn't have to take responsibility of DD if shes living under her mothers roof, however I really think it's quite disgusting having a big showy wedding, whilst the life she knows is falling apart.

There have been posters here who have said what others will be thinking- and believe me, they will, however, I want you to think what the girl who is becoming your step daughter will think of all this.
What is she going to think when she sees money has been no object for your big, naice wedding whilst her dad has been too poor to fund his daughter as she has been accustomed to?

I'm sorry if it reads harsh, but you will never have an easy relationship with her if shes seeing wealth be splashed around, whilst she is losing out.

I personally cant see 100k going on the kid each year, that's supporting her mum too, but also if that sort of money has been present, then I dont see how it can just be cut to roughly £1300 a month.

For all those saying the child doesn’t need such a lifestyle, that’s true, but neither does her dad.

Yet the plan to give up the lucrative career didn’t emerge until the OP was in place to cushion the financial blow.

Yes people are going to notice and comment when the OP and her partner have the best of all possible worlds while the child is the one who loses out.

When you and your partner made the decision for him to quit, did you discuss the impact on his daughter? Did you decide she’d just have to suck it up?

In this case, as you have mutually decided that your partner should switch careers, I do think you should step in, yes. It’s what a decent person would do.

And for a person who struggles with stress and anxiety to take up a career in teaching is fucking madness.

Hasn’t anyone ever heard the saying ‘find a job you love, and you will never work a day in your life’?

Of course we’ve heard it. We’ve all flicked through the Next catalogue and seen it on a cushion.

And anyone with any experience in teaching knows it’s total bollocks.

There’s so much information missed off this thread so it’s hard to really give an informed opinion.

I’m with the OP though really. Though I guess it does depend on a few things...

Surely if the ex husband was earning £800k for a significant amount of time, he must have A LOT in savings? So could he up it to £2,000 a month for instance?

Does he know if the ex wife has a good savings pot from all the maintenance he’s been paying? How long was he paying that level of maintenance for?

At the end of the day, £1,300 for a CHILD should be more than enough, a lot of adults with children of their own don’t earn that much and still manage to live. Christ, she could go on a ski trip every month for that amount?! I’m struggling to see the problem? If the ex wife has no mortgage to pay and should hopefully have SOME savings (as if not she has blatantly been living it up with her ex husband’s money all this time, and properly living it up too!) even after a few bills and food, she’d still probably have about £700 left over each month to spend on DC. I mean....what the hell? What child goes through £700 a month? £100 a week pocket money wouldn’t even drain all that.

Posters are being ridiculous. I wouldn’t be contributing any more to the monthly maintenance OP. However, if you were feeling nice and to keep the piece I’d perhaps offer to pay for 2 school trips a year or her daughter’s ponies livery or something. But you’re not obligated to do that.

The original post was about the wedding not should op pay maintenance. On the info in the first post 6 figure salary to trainee or nqt teacher the maintenance was vastly reduced. The figures appeared when the thread was going down the yes it’s bad taste to have a lavish wedding party route.

I also don't understand why your DP has continued to pay his DDs mum £100k for years if the expectation was that she would use the money to improve her income long term, as she hasn't been doing that.

Because child support is a percentage of the NRPs income. (I think 15% for one child which gives you an idea of his total salary) he can’t just cut it because the mum isn’t spending it on her own education!

As a single parent with an ex who contributes precisely fuck all, I don’t have the luxury of job changing or trying something new. If I gave up my job, I’d be called all sorts. Dad can do whatever the fuck he wants, eh?

Dad is paying 1300 a month. Mum has no mortgage or school fees to pay. If mum is also matching this figure then 2600 per month for one child is hardly bloody poverty. Surely you're not suggesting Dad should be paying for everything?

Having grown up not having ski trips abroad, fancy lessons and tutoring I simply don't see it a being essential to him being a good father and I don't want to pay for it myself.

I had a very happy childhood with none of the extras the Ex is lamenting about missing and I don't think they are necessary for a child to be happy and well cared for

Lots of adults are perfectly happy and fulfilled living off 30 grand a year. They don’t need big houses, luxury lifestyles, lovely holidays, weddings they ‘always dreamed of’ to be happy.

But that’s not the lifestyle you want for you and your partner, is it? Trimming back to ‘necessities’ is fine for his child, but not for you two? Hmm

Surely the DD's mother, having had access to £100k a year for X years, will have saved a university fund for her child?

The father, having access to several hundreds of thousands, would seem the more appropriate person to have saved for a university fund.

I think you need to enjoy the wedding you want and get new friends.

After a heart attack just focus on being glad you still have a partner and be happy together.

I think your partner has gone above and beyond in supporting his daughter and her mother. I don't know how old she is but suspect she must be near her teens so not long till uni/college when your partner will be able to make support payments to her directly.

Hope your partner enjoys teaching and if he doesn't well its not the end of the world. I'm sure with your support he'll find something he can enjoy. In your 40s no doubt long term career options may be coming up for you sooner or later.

Legally you are not responsible and can do what you want.

Morally what you are doing is very distasteful and I totally get where your friend is coming from.

Plus if that is what someone has blurred out to your face - imagine what they are all saying behind your back.

The ex has hit the leaner years but did not prepare for the end of the gravy train

You don’t know what the ex has done. The OPs friend is the one who made a comment about paying less for the DD. The ex hasn’t said a thing.

I think you should have a wonderful wedding and invite your dsd to be bridesmaid and I also think your dh should pay the maintenance he can afford. However, especially as you have no other dc, I also think it would be kind and loving for you to fund trips and any other extras for the child. Don’t pay the mum extra but don’t let dd lose out. Treat her as you would your own.

People seem to be dodging questions a lot.

All of you who think the OP is awful - do you actually think the OP should pay her partners CMS of £100K per year? And if yes, why? Because that sort of money isn’t all going to the child. I doubt even half of it is going to the child. And even if it is, would you, as a step mum, pay £100K per year just so your yep daughter could have designer clothes and handbags and lord know what else the money is spent on?

I would literally love some of these posters to have a go at breaking down £8K per month in child expenses, even with the most luxurious items. That’s $16,000 per month where I live. I’m pretty sure even my brand loving, shopaholic teenager would be completely bored and unappreciative by month #2 of that sort of cash.

At the end of the day, the OP’s fiancé has found something he loves and isn’t going back to his old job. That needs to be accepted, yes? I imagine he probably would even if he wasn’t with the OP, as a teachers salary is perfectly respectable and doable to live on. And it’s clearly something he feels passionate about. So should they split up? Because he doesn’t deserve to be with someone who is now wealthy? I’m genuinely curious as to what everyone’s solution is?