Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

HE HAD A HEART ATTACK!!! A dad paying little is better than no dad at all!!!!!!!!! Have the wedding

Wow, the cattiness on this thread is something else! Comments about a big wedding in your 40s being 'tacky', and even about the high rates of divorce for second marriages. It just smacks of jealousy really - how dare the OP be comfortably off and able to support her DP with a career change?

Like others I can understand why the Ex might feel a bit put out but £1300 a month with no mortgage is plenty to have a nice standard of living. It would be nice for the OP to chip on every now and then to allow DSD to continue with some of the activities her friends are still doing, and that she would have previously, but it should NOT be expected of the OP and is neither her legal nor moral duty. Since when has it been anyone's moral duty to fund skiing trips?

It’s amazing how many people on mumsnet come from nothing careers to retrain as hedge fund managers later in life

All the people I know who work in hedge funds have been on the genius/ rich kid gravy train since childhood and their employers won’t even look at someone without the best schools, universities and maths genius credentials behind them

Anyone would think you can just turn your life around to join them at 30 with a BTEC from the local further education college

Also who cares what everyone else thinks about her walking up the aisle? I bet they won’t be complaining after their third glass of champagne

So high 6 figure salary down to a low 5 figure salary? Yeah i think you are both unreasonable to do this.

Yes parents loose jobs all the time but both parents decide what impact that has on the family and how to lesson the impact on the children.

Yes he is retraining but as a teacher so its not so he can earn more long term as that is not likely to happen - even if he becomes a head teacher he is not likely to earn what he used to. In fact even after 12 years he will be earning less than half his former salary if he was on £100,000 - and thats on the lowest end of 6 figures.

While I agree his mental health is important and I'm sure this decision was right for him it likely wasn't the right one for his dd and she should also have factored into this decision.

Child won’t be bothered about tutors! Or designer clothes. In fact if she goes to state school I doubt many of her friends are clad in Gucci. Bet the mother is though....
Kids don’t care about fancy cars.
Even holidays. Ours preferred Yorkshire to our abroad trip this year.

Let’s not forget the DP bought the mother and child a house. So they are mortgage free. That will save her £££ Per month.

I am shocked how based on CMS calculations he is paying £1300 a month on a teachers salary? This does not add up?

I find your attitude odd as I do all the MN ‘your money’ comments that always appear. There are responsibilities that come with having a relationship with someone with children and clearly the child is going to suffer here. I also find grown women wanting dream weddings pretty feeble.

Awkward - it’s not fair to compare this to children living in poverty. Yes that is heart breaking.

But this is a little girl whose dad has absolute spoiled her. Yes she will survive he drastic reduction in her living standards. She doesn’t need the designer gear or the nice holidays or the expensive after school clubs. But she will notice they have gone. Dad has a right to do whatever job he wants, and this is just real life.

But the step mum could treat the child (not the mother) to soften the blow. In the step mums shoes I would pay for the tutor and he school trips.

And a bride can have a big wedding at any age😊

If it was a 2-3 week fling I’m quite surprised that your mutual friends became so close to the ex? So much so that they call you out on her new financial circumstances. I call troll.

@Passthecherrycoke don't forget it's because they work hard, have very niche skills & make a series of strategic moves! Only on MNs do I see the "I earned 30k until I was 35 but 5 yrs later I now earn 500k".

This doesn’t sit right with me.

ExDP has a horrible stressful job, it doesn’t pay well but as he’s been there since he left school, he won’t even contemplate leaving. He’s on about 30k, so not mega bucks. He spends 1 night a fortnight with DC and the odd evening in the week due to the amount of hours he does. He’s constantly stressed. I would happily have him drop to NMW, work a normal 40 hour week and spend more time with our DC, and have less child support. But I suppose that’s because I don’t get a significant amount and I don’t rely on it.

If our children were used to the sort of high luxury childhood your step child is, and they had it ripped away, whilst Dad continued the same lifestyle due to his DP, I’d be completely fucked off, as would our mutual friends.

If Dad was single, living in a house share and on benefits due to his poor health, I would have a great deal more sympathy and would bust my ass to help him through it.

I’m also a step Mum with one step child and I could never do that to her. I would absolutely pay as much as I could.

Although I will never earn mega bucks like this so it’s probably irrelevant.

As for his ex - we don’t have much information about her. She could also have health issues meaning she can only tolerate low stress part time jobs.

Also, how old is the child? That’s rather important too, how long has she been used to this lifestyle? Do all her friends have the same? Is she now going to be alienated from them?

Absolutely. The mind boggles at why my best friends hedge fund will only Recruit executive assistants with oxbridge degrees when all these HFmanagers are knocking about earning a million quid from 5 years of strategic moves.

Also re teaching - 5 of my friends have left teaching this year due to the impact on their health.

His DD will grow up to resent him. I had a selfish DF too, who lived the life of luxury and happily watched me live in deprivation. I've never forgiven him and the older I've grown the more alienated I feel as I can't understand his mentality. We barely have a relationship now.

@Passthecherrycoke Totally agree. I did an Access course at 31 and now in my second year of Uni, another 2 years to go as I need a Masters, so basically 5 years of living off student loans, then if I’m lucky a circa 24k job working in labs, or possibly I could do a PhD and work as a lecturer, but again, not even close to mega bucks.

I agree completely with Dollymixture22

But the step mum could treat the child (not the mother) to soften the blow. In the step mums shoes I would pay for the tutor and he school trips.

Well yes, I’ve already said if I were step mum I’d pay the ski trip. And I would probably spoil the child in my own way at my own discretion if I were loaded. But I wouldn’t hand over £100K a month to the child’s mother as majority of the posters seem to think she should. Because that money isn’t being spent on the child. No way. And even if it was, that’s insane. I wouldn’t spend that sort of cash on my own biological children if I were a multi billionaire. I can’t actually even think what that sort of cash would buy for a child.

*a year, not a month. My bad

His DD will grow up to resent him. I had a selfish DF too, who lived the life of luxury and happily watched me live in deprivation

That’s sad. This kid is in no way going to be deprived though. £1300 per month is above and beyond what a child needs. So there is plenty for luxuries and extras. Especially as the mother is mortgage free.

If this is true IF and your soon-to-be-husband earned in the high six figures every year for however long, even a few years, then surely he should have a bit of a financial cushion to say the least to keep paying the CM and so that he doesn't have to rely on you. Unless he blued every penny of the high six figures on things like helicopters and white tigers of course.

With stbh now studying could he become the rp and allow the ex to go and find her career?

Look the crux of this is his friends have noticed that he is going on some kind of crusade to try and make a difference (and if he is going into secondary schools no reduction in stress levels) and help people and feels his daughter and ex should be supportive because state school is a good experience and all learning etc etc etc.

All very good and all very noble. Except his lifestyle isn’t changing at all because you are supporting him. His friends frankly are trying to say something to you. That all of this I just need to be physically present stuff is fine because I am doing this for the greater good would be fine if he were making sacrifices,

Instead it just looks patronising that he is helping the little people now and giving stuff back. That having tried to save and support his ex to bettering herself for years he is moving onto others. And he is sure his daughter will understand. Until she stands at your wedding and wonders what on Earth he meant because his sacrifice for this is zero.

This isn’t designed I don’t think to make you feel guilty but point out how they are feeling about him. And these are his best friends who one assumes given your backstory have very little to do with his ex and therefore how could she be sharing

Actually it depends is the answer, if he's dropped from £150k to £30k thus from £1000+ a month to £160 then yes as the mother I would be aggrieved, those kids still need clothing, feeding and housing, the fact you don't need his income doesn't mean the kids don't. Even at university mine are costing me about £1000 a month. And they have loans on top. Agreeing a set spousal maintenance until the youngest finishes 6th form then a lower sum through university is fair. I get £1400 a month as an example because I have up my career for him putting me 16 years behind him!

For all we know the father has downgraded all of his outgoings and expenses as well
Of course. He'll eat bake brand whilst OP will have a lavish meal in front of her. She'll go on fab holidays whilst he stays home as can't afford to join her. He'll go on the bus whilst she goes everywhere in taxis.

She's already very happy to pay for a very lavish wedding, I doubt he'll be wearing a suit from Asda!

He really saw OP coming, probably dreamed of giving up his work so he didn't have to pay much maintenance for years but didn't want to give up the luxuries for himself. Now he gets to do both.

Him going into teaching after a stressed induced heart attack is the stupidest idea of all, but maybe he truly has no intentions to teach instead is just enjoying going back to studying.