Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Because that sort of money isn’t all going to the child. I doubt even half of it is going to the child. And even if it is, would you, as a step mum, pay £100K per year just so your yep daughter could have designer clothes and handbags and lord know what else the money is spent on?

You have absolutely no idea what the money is spent on and I always find the accusations that the mum is spending it on herself very distasteful.

The amount of money isn't really relevant.

What is relevant is that Daddy has a new life and child gets cut because of it. Of course ex is aggrieved.

Wtffffffff people suggesting you pay for a child that isnt yours. Maintenance is between your soon to be husband and his ex. £1300 a month! That is enormous loads of people I know get fuck all!!

I think you should have the biggest wedding YOU want. And I say that as an ex wife who wouldnt expect my ex husbands new wife to contribute a fucking thing to my kids!

You have absolutely no idea what the money is spent on and I always find the accusations that the mum is spending it on herself very distasteful.

Cool, like I said, please have a go at breaking down £8333 per month in child related expenses. I’m all ears.

Presumably as a teacher he can look after his daughter for all the school holidays or after school enabling mum to pursue her career goals.

please have a go at breaking down £8333 per month in child related expenses. I’m all ears.

Why would I do your donkey work? You don’t know what it’s spent on, neither do I.

But plenty of scope within hobbies, school support, clothes, activities, holidays, savings.

Do you want to break down how the OP is spending her 800k a year? I’m sure many would struggle to see where that goes.

What is relevant is that Daddy has a new life and child gets cut because of it. Of course ex is aggrieved.

Yes, this is the problem.

@AwkwardFucker you’re getting somewhat carried away. It was a comment from OPs friend that caused all of this - why do we need to think of a solution? There probably isn’t one, just another 10 years of bitchy comments. Who cares? Why are you demanding people produce a budget for you?

Bitter and miserly stepmothers are alive and well I see. No thought for the child. Yes, CMS can’t be what it was, but it would be the motherly thing to contribute something towards your stepdaughters upbringing.

plenty of scope within hobbies, school support, clothes, activities, holidays, savings

If lots of it went into savings for the DC then where’s the issue? There’s still money for ski trips and whatever, out of savings.

OP says her partner discussed it with the DC’s Mum and £1,300 pcm was more realistic for child-related costs. It’s really hard to spend an extra £7,000 a month on actual kid-costs, surely to god, no matter what circles you move in?

Enjoy your wedding OP. And of course have the wedding you would like...you've worked hard for it.

As for the maintenance, as many have said, shes been receiving an income (because that's what it is due to the possibility it all couldn't be spent on the DD) and should have made future provisions for her and her DDs future.

I'd be damned if I was going to pay my DPs partner an income out of my salary because I fail to see how that amount could be spent on her every month.

This decision was made following health concerns. Surely it's best that dad is around rather than not at all. And yes, teaching is stressful but compared to the stress of his old job I bet it's a walk in the park. You don't earn £800k without a ridiculous amount of pressure and stress.

It’s really hard to spend an extra £7,000 a month on actual kid-costs, surely to god, no matter what circles you move in?

Any harder than the OP spending her 800k salary on herself and new partner?

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

OP:
"After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher"

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre:
"So, you looked at your salary and decided if he gave up work that you could still meet the financial obligations of your household. Maintenance is a financial obligation of your household."
Maintenance is NOT a financial obligation of the OP's household. It is a financial obligation of the OP's fiance.

Why does OP need to be doing the 'motherly' thing. She is not the child's mother and no title will change that. She holds no PR, has no rights and really her contribution should be limited to being welcoming when DSD visits and supporting her DH to continue his relationship and support of her. Or is it only money that is the 'motherly contribution' of interest?

I thought when I read the post initially that we were talking about the difference between a child eating and not eating. It seems it's the difference between a child having ski trips and tutors and the rest, or not, like most children. What an absolute crock. The child is not 'suffering' . The child as it stands is spoiled.

Because people are seriously naive if they think £8333 per MONTH is being spent on child related expenses, and even more insane if they think someone who isn’t one of the child’s parents should pay this.

Enjoy your wedding and stay out of your partners agreements with his ex. This is not your responsibility and trust me, Step Mums are always told they have no right to have an opinion on anything to do with step kids.

Your partner is right, stuff changes and its not your job to supplement his ex’s life style.

The joke of it is- I guarantee you all this man has at least a few million shoved away in various holes and investments (that probably the OP doesn’t even know about) and could easily support his DD to a similar level as before without any contribution from the OP.

Your income is separate to his when it comes to this and it’s his ex not yours. So no don’t feel you have to.

Anyway, this thread is a bit mad and I can’t really take it seriously - apparently it’s her DP’s second marriage but he was never married to his DC’s mum, who’s had £100K a year for over 10 years (if ski trips etc) and is ‘unhappy and sharing with [mutual] friends’ - despite the fact they presumably wouldn’t HAVE mutual friends if it’s just been a co-parenting situation with a brief fling - and he still pays £1,300 but that’s practically poverty, according to some people, whilst the DD is at state school and yet still has a lifestyle she needs to ‘keep up’ amongst her similarly financially blessed friends...

So let me get the story right in my head....

Your husband to be grew up in a working class household and had nothing. He managed against all odds to work his way to a very very high paying job. When he met a chaotic waitress from a broken home with whom he embarked upon a passionate 3 week fling, resulting in a pregnancy.

Being a charming and morally wonderful rich man he of course bought her a lovely house in a great school catchment and paid her enough money to “better herself” for the benefit of the child. But being the feckless chaotic woman she is she spent it all (8k a month!) on.....what? Shoes? Monthly ski trips? All the tutoring? Either way, silly woman didn’t start a business or finish her schooling. Due to her chaotic nature I guess.

Some 10-14 years later (at a guess) our leading man meets a woman who also came from nothing and rose to the heights of earning that many of us can’t even imagine. They fell deeply in love. But oh no! A heart attack. This has a profound effect on our hero’s outlook on life. He decides above all he needs to improve STEM teaching in disadvantaged schools, to help those poor kids that remind him so much of his younger self. Maybe they can one day too earn in the high 6 figures. Luckily his new fiancé earns sooooo much money his lifestyle will remain luxurious.

However this means his child will have to accept that she can no longer have her monthly ski trips and endless tutoring (Which tops up her state education). Her mother is still friends with the best friend of the man she had a fling with a decade or so ago. She laments to them about the situation.

The best friends wife upon hearing about your lavish wedding voices her disapproval at the crass display of wealth the child will be subjected to when her own lifestyle has been reduced by some 7k a month.

I think that’s it?

My advice would be, you reap what you sow. If you think his child will not remember this you’re mistaken. If you think it won’t affect his relationship with the child you are mistaken.

Also really unsure why everyone is so focused on teaching being so stressful. Hasn’t anyone ever heard the saying ‘find a job you love, and you will never work a day in your life’?
While teaching might be stressful to some, is could be his calling and he could absolutely love every single second of it. And he could have thought about driving his car off a cliff on the way to work every single day at his old high paying job. A job you loathe is soul destroying.

This in spades. My DH left industry to retrain as a teacher and he absolutely loves his job (and the school holidays!). It is not negative stress for him, because he is good at it and he finds it rewarding, unlike his previous job, which was destroying his soul.

I don't want to get dragged into the financial minutiae but I do want to defend the career change - because I know first hand it can work.

For CM, income above £156k pa is ignored.

How nice for those poor rich men. (It’s always men) They really need that break.

So yes, he could have reduced it if he wanted to.

Could- doesn’t mean should. If he made stipulations that a certain amount had to be spent on the mothers education then it wasn't child support.

Do you want to break down how the OP is spending her 800k a year? I’m sure many would struggle to see where that goes

Nope, OP works for it. People are suggesting she pay another woman a full time salary. And a very large one at that. More than double ours, and we have a mortgage and twice the children. If some randoms on the interwebz told me I should be paying someone £100K per year, I would want to know what exactly they think I should be paying for.

Does ANYONE actually need these amounts of money to live? Where is it all going?

Time for all involved to re-evaluate their lives and maybe do something positive with their good fortune.