Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

You have enough money to have an amazing wedding AND treat your step daughter to nice extras like school trips and useful extras like tutoring / extra curricular activities. You sound a bit greedy and selfish. You may not be legally obliged to help your new step child financially but why wouldn’t you if you can.

I think the OP has no problem supporting the child but has, quite rightly, a big problem supporting the bone idle ex.

Even the reduced amount of money is more than enough for half of a child's expenses per month.

Just tell the ex to get a job.

Drip drip drip
Aibu? Yes!
But he had a heart attack aibu?
Yes!
But he is paying out of his savings aibu?
Yes!
But he used to give then 100000 a year...
🙄

Could he not drop to half the original maintenance rather than - what is it? A tenth?
It seems wrong that a man switches job to suit himself and doesn't suffer for it, but his daughter does. Is there any way she won't see this as personal to her? I can't see how.

I didn't even finish reading TFT but this is hilarious, I nominate it for classics. The fiance was giving £100k per annum to a 2-3 fling in the hope that she would rectify her chaotic lifestyle (she came from a broken home it's not her fault ) and finish her education and now he wants to teach STEM to disadvantaged children. What a charitable man he is!

OP, enjoy your fictional wedding, but bare in mind there won't be a saint nor sinner there who is watching you bask in your dream wedding who won't be thinking what the friend said.

My understanding of the chaotic lifestyle was that she was not rich and was working several jobs to make ends meet. I personally think anyone working multiple jobs has got their head screwed on and is trying the best they can. But it probably seems like one step up from Pretty Woman to a man on 6 figures a year!

Does the 8k a month include school fees and half the accommodation payment? In which case if in London it's feasible.

If her dad takes away her tutoring she might not get into the schools she has been planning to go for.

School system is fucked & everyone needs equal chances but given we don't have that right now, it's pretty cruel to start someone on one track then drastically change it.

Your DP should have thought "How can I reduce my stress while still earning as close as possible to what I do now?" Like the rest of us have to.

I won't even start on the "teaching as a lovely low stress career" bollocks. The whole thing smacks of ill-thought-out self-indulgence.

As does your plan for having a lavish wedding under the circumstances... so maybe you are well suited.

I'm also loving the bit about the chaotic mother lacking a mentor guide in her life. That is clearly the secret of earning a high six figure salary. Going into teaching to reduce stress is a complete oxymoron.

I think, given the fact that as a couple, you have more than enough money to pay for all the "extras" his DD might like in terms of school trips etc, then regardless of the legal position on maintenance, you should.

This is not because the ex should have what she wants, but because money is highly emotional, and it's hard to see how the sudden "I can't afford the ski trip / extra riding lessons / whatever" will not be felt by his DD in the circumstances (being, that dad still has plenty of disposable money for HIS lifestyle) as her being lower priority for her dad now. This is going to affect her relationship with him. Add in the possibility of the mother also commenting to DD on how unfair it all is, and you have a pretty toxic situation for this girl, which doesn't need to be the case because the money is there. He doesn't need to continue paying £100k a year, but there is a middle ground where he says "the CMS assessment is X, and I can't afford to pay more than that, but stepmum has kindly agreed to cover the cost of school trips and other extra experiences that add value to DD's education."

At your income level, is it really worth taking a point of principle over something like this? Your future DH will be very stressed and upset if he loses his close relationship with his daughter over money.

Having grown up not having ski trips abroad, fancy lessons and tutoring I simply don't see it a being essential to him being a good father and I don't want to pay for it myself.

A ski trip must be peanuts for you though isn’t it?

Did his ex support him while he climbed the career ladder? I agree with others that the only one actually having to live with less here is his daughter which isn’t fair.

When she stays with you, she’s going to see the discrepancy in living standards now. This will be your step daughter - not some stranger. I think you should be doing more and so do the people around you by the sounds of it.

That's what most peoples issue is. His lifestyle is remaining a luxury lifestyle. But his childs, who he ensured had that lifestyle isnt remaining with a luxury lifestyle.

But that happens to everyone at some point in their life if their parents are wealthy. I know mine are certainly wealthier than me. When she turns 18 or finish Uni or whatever, he will still be living the life of luxury while she’s probably not. Is that not ok?

I’ve just roughly added up teen DD’s expenditures for the month, including her share of the bills, excluding mortgage and school fees. It came to roughly $560 per month (and that was over estimating) or £293. That was everything she needs, and a lot of incidentals that aren’t every month, plus a little spending money.

Now I am aware that the cost of living and whatnot is different everywhere and the child probably has activities my DD doesn’t, but are people actually suggesting the child should have an extra £8K per month for luxuries and spending, just because it is what she has been accustomed to?

I think you're getting a really hard time here OP.

Presumably the mother is working now? If not then I fail to see why it's your and your fiancé's responsibility to fund her lifestyle. Your DSD must be in her teens so what is her mother planning to do once maintenance is paid to the DSD directly when she's at uni?

Going into teaching to reduce stress is a complete oxymoron.

Exactly

And this is the crux for me

If your partner was really so ill or going to be so ill should he not cut stress out of his life - if this were true - and he explained it to his daughter and his ex and everyone understood.

And he then found a stress free job doing consultancy or something - Fine, it all makes much more sense

But TEACHING? It's like he wants that heart attack and in the meantime he wants to shit on his daughter from a great height

And you are going to have a Princess wedding just to add a bit more shit to the daughters perception of how much her father doesn't care about her

I wonder if this is all posted by the Daily Mail and isn't true at all?

Funny how when it is your children, you instinctively aspire to wanting to give them much more than the essentials. Most parents feel terrible if all they can give is the essentials. As a matter of fact, you are mostly considered in poverty in this country if all kids can have is 'the essentials'.

But when it comes to your children who live with the ex, and the same step-children, it becomes totally acceptable.

A parent who gives up a job, knowing that their own lifestyle won't change much, but that their kids' will and has to qualms doing so is a poor parent. If he believed so strongly that essentials were good enough, why go on to have such a career that made him so stressful? Essentials could have been enough for his kid and himself. Oh but no, it's now good enough for his kid but not for him. He really saw you coming!!

Interesting that a woman who presumably knows the ex barely at all (since she was a 2-3 week fling) and cares about keeping things civil with you/your DP (since she's married to his DP) would call you both out on your behaviour. She must have pretty strong views on your behaviour - I wonder why?

@Dontdisturbmenow exactly!

I'm the higher earner in my family and DH the main carer. If we split I would live in a bed sit and eat cold beans every night rather than have my DC suffer a drop in their standard of living.

The idea that I'd continue to live in a big house, go on multiple holidays, drive a luxury car and buy what I like would be incomprehensible

I agree with her and well done to her for having the front to say it to you.

Awkward

If this Story is true, I assume this child lives in London. I also doubt the mother currently works. The house bills will be high, council tax etc. The child will also be used to designer clothes, expensive holidays, mummy driving a fancy car, expensive tutors, lots of gadgets.

These are not essential, but most children with parents in this income bracket will have the same. The child will notice the drop in lifestyle.

I don’t have much sympathy for the mum, she probably has a housekeeper etc and that will have to go. Car will have to be significantly downsized. No more designer clothes, fancy lunches, spa days. That’s life.

But saying the child didn’t need all this stuff is ignoring the fact that she has lived like this her whole life and it is all about to change. I do think her new step mum could make things a little easier in her by treating her to some school trips or paying for her tutor. That would be the kind thing to do for a child in the family. She doesn’t have to, but she can easily afford it and in the same situation I would absolutely do this.

How much your child costs you is irrelevant to this situation.

The £9k or so per month will have been funding the mother’s lifestyle let’s be honest. No child needs that money. They have a nice house mortgage free, she has no school fees so the child will continue to go to the same school. I don’t think this child is going to see much of a change in their lifestyle? The mother will.

Wonder why they decided against private school? Was it the mother’s choice?

Children aren’t materialistic. She’ll still be in the same house and the same school. The ski trip I’m sure can be paid for. A state school ski trip won’t be £5k.

The mother may be buying less designer clothes and god knows what else she spent the money on. Surely as a mother, whose circumstances could change at any point you would squirrel that money away for your child?

The money should have been put in to savings and then the child could have had it later.

Your money, your choice!

Hands up, I haven't read the entire thread, only as far as your post where you state he had a dress induced heart attack. Regardless of the child maintenance payments, I really don't think that going from a very highly paid stressful job to a much lower paid highly stressful job is perhaps the best decision? Honestly, the stress in teaching, in education as a whole, is one of the main reasons why teachers are leaving the profession in droves.

As for the money to ex, I do tend to agree that your dp doesn't seem to be a lot worse off, as you can subsidise him, so the person who is going to 'pay' for your joint decision, is the one person who has done nothing wrong at all, except to be born!

Legally you probably can't be compelled to help out, but, imo, morally, you should.

Wow
If you earn £800k pa what would it hurt you to give £10k to your dh's child?
And what difference would it make to the child's life?

I think your friends have a point here, why are you happy to see DH's child go without when you are so extremely wealthy?

Tutor could cost £100 - £150 per month for example.

Food -£100 - £150 per month

Council tax £50 - £100 per month (based on half for the child)

Clothes and shoes £50 per month

Household bills £75 per mont (based on half)

Transport £150 (based on half a car payment for average family car and running costs)

Then on top of this you have after school activities, presents, birthday parties, etc etc.

£300 per month would be low for a child used to a wealthy lifestyle, and with a mother who presumably doesn’t work.

The idea that I'd continue to live in a big house, go on multiple holidays, drive a luxury car and buy what I like would be incomprehensible

Why is everyone saying this?? I have no idea where anyone is getting this? For all we know the father has downgraded all of his outgoings and expenses as well. So what if he’s living in a large house? DD will be staying in her same house, presumably the same if he kept paying the obscene amount of money. Not like she has to move into a shack.

There is literally no evidence there will be such a discrepancy in their lifestyles.

The child will also be used to designer clothes, expensive holidays, mummy driving a fancy car, expensive tutors, lots of gadgets

...are we actually meant to have sympathy that a child may not be able to have some of these things anymore? Really? When there are children living in squalid damp conditions, going to bed hungry, not being able to afford school uniforms..

One should never become accustomed to such a lifestyle. One bad mistake or stroke of bad luck could change everything..
children adapt. I imagine it will be the mother who will find it harder. Anyone who thinks she’s spending all that cash on her child is an idiot.

So many holes in the story....

However, if it's common knowledge amongst the wedding guests about the cut in child maintenance, then I can guess what these guests will be thinking as the bride walks up the aisle at the "wedding of her dreams".