Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Legally it’s OK , morally it’s not really

I can’t see a dream wedding as being more
Important than wider family ? I know it’s a rather bitter pill though

Wedding is by the by.
How come you're ok with his child not getting cash towards school trips?
I think it would be nice for you to contribute, do you not want to? I think I would in your shoes although easy to say as i have very little money!

There's been a lot of people having a go at the ex - we don't know whether this has come from her or not so I do think that's unfair.

We don't know she hasn't saved the money or anything else.

I'm on the fence with this one. I can see both sides. In your shoes I wouldn't be paying the Mum the amount that he was paying her however I do think I would make sure she didn't miss out on any trips or anything else.

The money you earn is your money, so no I don't think you should be paying towards his child. If his MH had continued to go downhill then he may have become completely unemployed, and then there would be no maintenance at all. If he is able to afford more then morally he should give more, but it's more important that he is present in their life.
Don't let them make you feel guilty. Enjoy your wedding.

Ahhh once again, mumsnet never disappoints.

£1300 is absolute luxury to me. I have a deadbeat ex who has barely paid a cent for DD’s whole life and I haven’t seen a penny in over a year. At times he’s sponged off loaded girlfriends, and not once did I think they should be contributing to his child. I just wanted him to contribute, I didn’t care if it was a tenner a week. Just get a fucking job and chip in. Never fucking crossed my mind that the girlfriends should be paying because he was living the life of luxury.

Does everyone really think the OP should be paying her partners CMS??? Really????

Between you you have just one child but are quibbling about her expenses? You never once mention if you have any fondness for the DD which implies that you don’t.

I can completely understand not especially wanting to endlessly subside the mother but the DD has had a very mixed childhood from the sound of it and will by now be sadly mistaking money for love.

If you marry only do so if you are happy to embrace your DSD and as a couple support her in her education and life. To leave her to miss out on stuff like a ski trip while you can afford trips to anywhere in the world is distasteful in the extreme.

But you aren’t listening, are you?

*GabsAlot Sun 01-Dec-19 23:23:31
this is even worse hes been paying that for years for someone he wasnt even with and then gave her a years notice and she still didnt save anything

shes had her fair share id say*

Forget the figures - she's had her fair share? Surely you mean as such a high earner the child received maintenance as a non-resident parent on such a high wage should contribute to the upbringing of their child?

Who on earth would travel first class/live in a mansion/take luxurious holidays and be happy with their child not living the same lifestyle? Happy for the child to go to Butlins whilst on a 5 star cruise?

I'll tell you who - feckless NR parents who don't have their child's best interests at heart and mealy mouthed high earning partners who resent the child from a previous relationship. But yeah, it's all about the money-grabbing resident parent...ffs.

@MsRomanoff

In hedge funds now I believe.

You are being given an unnecessarily hard time. Your DP had a heart attack - that is a major health risk. He is making a career change to improve his mental health, a decision you have taken together. If he popped his clogs then there would be no maintenance. He’s still paying £1,300 a month, the equivalent of about a £20k salary after tax and helping where possible.

You want to spend your money on a wedding - that’s your choice. This isn’t a child going without. God knows that the mother was spending £100k on before but there are two parents here...

So somewhere in the UK, there's an adult throwing thousands at their second wedding whilst saying it's fine for DSD to have to cut back, it never did me any harm . . .
I'm also at teaching being the career of choice for someone who is stressed.

Well, you didn't sign up for supporting someone else's child, and your income is your own business. But your beloved partner is quite happy for his own DC to lose out while he 'finds himself' or whatever, because his new girlfriend is willing to support him.
Thing is, if you have a child with him and he decides to go and find himself again, will you be happy to let your own DC lose out while he's getting his bills paid by some other woman?

I would be paying for the little girl to have the chances she used to have
She is your step daughter and if you are getting married you need to share money
Just because you did ok without certain experiences it doesn't mean she should go without

Suppose OP's partner had stayed living as a family with the mother of his children.
Then he chose to change his career, taking the financial knock to become a teacher.
Would that make a 19 page thread? Nope.

& btw - a six figure income does not make anyone a millionaire.
It's anything from £100,000 (to £999,999).

I think people are imagining OP counting gold coins in a secret chamber, rubbing her hands in glee as her Partner's kids eat stale bread & water.

OP's wedding is a completely separate issue, which her rude & interfering friend has conflated with depriving her OP's partner's children.
The 2 issues are completely separate.
OP can spend whatever she likes on her own wedding. It doesn't stop her from helping out financially with maintenance if she & her DP decide to do that.

@messolini9 she makes 'high six figures' which is probably why a lot of people are guessing around 800k

Ahhh once again, mumsnet never disappoints.
£1300 is absolute luxury to me.

@AwkwardFucker - but the OP is that much maligned creature, a woman who is marrying a man who is already a father. Obviously, her partner must be infantalised & not make his own decisions - & heavens forfend he makes the "wrong" decisions, in which case she must step up & facilitate his life for him.

*He’s still paying £1,300 a month, the equivalent of about a £20k salary after tax and helping where possible.

You want to spend your money on a wedding - that’s your choice. This isn’t a child going without. God knows that the mother was spending £100k on before but there are two parents here...*

Seriously bemused at posters who don't understand that a parent is living a high earner's lifestyle however that's funded and could be happy that their child wasn't. I'd move heaven and earth for mine and would hang my head in shame - I'd absolutely not be with someone who could think it ok that my step child had a massive drop in support whilst no change to their lifestyle - nasty.

OP ,you aren't astro mum until after the wedding so the cost is imaterial.
If,despite a wage cut your DP is able to pay maintinance and negotiate more as needed then he is doing better than most dad's and not exactly earning peanuts as a teacher.

Thanks @WhenISnappedAndFarted.

The vitriol makes sense now. This thread is a feckin' feeding frenzy.
Maintenance is now reduced to £1300, & it's not enough!!! - because somebody else has more.

Never mind that DP's ex used to receive £100K a year from him, & maybe could have thought about saving for the future & - you know - HER CHILD.

@ISmellBabies

What prompted this was a diagnosis of stress induced (we think) heart attack and his doctor's suspicions that he was suffering from anxiety and depression*.

Inconsiderate man having heart attacks to avoid paying more.
Before giving your opinion read what's going on.*

Your points about your childhood are beside the point. As are others about how much the DC still get. It is reasonable. I agree.

But. And this is the point. They had a certain lifestyle and they don't now. You would surely notice a difference if you were £90,000 a year. If this was fairly applied across both households then fair enough. It's not. It you go for the wedding that will be even more obvious.

I don't think you need to support his DC. I do think you might want to rethink your plans.

And as others have said. Their DM has made sacrifices he hasn't in terms of her career etc.

Down £90,000 a year.

I wouldn't mind a 'sacrifice' where I get £100k a year (or whatever bloated amount it was) - sighs wistfulky

If he is using his savings to top up the current maintenance, how is he planning to have a uni fund for Dd. I would imagine the savings will run out soon?

I thought coming from finance, living off savings would be advice not given to clients.

God forbid the OP might change her life and earn less money, what will the EX do?

Might be a good lesson learn all round. You make choices in life, they have consequences, some monetary, some quality of life and job satisfaction. A childhood, even a very comfortable one, isn't all about ski trips and ponies.

This child, lives with her dad, part of the time, her education is being funded, she has nice holidays, the EX had money thrown at her, what really is she not getting NOW that you all wringing your hands about?