Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

how is he planning to have a uni fund for Dd

Surely the DD's mother, having had access to £100k a year for X years, will have saved a university fund for her child? Likewise skiing trips, & all the other luxuries that £1300 a month just won't cover, dammit ...

This is all a bit weird.

Firstly spend as much as you want on your wedding. Nothing wrong with the future husband changing careers.

Why was the ex doing with 100k a yr without any school fees or mortgage costs?

If the husband was paying this clearly he was earning a lot so should have £££££ in savings.

Whilst 1.3k a month is significant it's a huge lifestyle change from 10k a month.

Do you want dc together? I know there is no obligation but particularly in cases like this where there are high amounts of income I would what my step child to enjoy a quality of life similar to mine. If your earning high 6 figures are you really going to
notice paying a bit more?

Might be a good lesson learn all round. You make choices in life, they have consequences, some monetary, some quality of life and job satisfaction. A childhood, even a very comfortable one, isn't all about ski trips and ponies.

Of course it isn't. As a parent I couldn't live (via OP) the high life with luxuries whilst my child doesn't. I couldn't be with someone who didn't prioritise my child. I't not about money - it's about living a lifestyle whilst your flesh and blood isn't to the same standard.

If this child is at a state school, ski trips are a secondary thing, so it is more than 10 years of £100k if anyone is interested the Ray Parlour divorce judgement talked about using high maintenance payments to prepare for leaner years.
The ex has hit the leaner years but did not prepare for the end of the gravy train, the OPs partner has had enough in savings to cushion the end of the gravy train for his ex.
The friend's partner shouldn't have said anything. This was none of her business and it was a nasty comment
The OPs fiance has probably been able to build up his savings nest egg because of his relationship with her, so actually she has contributed in some ways to keeping the maintenance higher to prepare for the decrease.
The OP did not make this child.
She fell in love with the man who did. She doesn't deserve to be punished for that.
The child has the same home
The same school
The same friends
As for the rest well let's face it how many children in her class can afford the ski trips
And if I am honest if she has had more than one ski trip she is probably very much an older teen not a young child and at some time older teens can get jobs to top up their pocket money.

Jeeeezus - it's absolutely not about ski frickin trips etc - it's about a parent, whether mother or father, happy to live a luxurious life whether that's via their fantastic 6 figure salary or their partner's - and happily seeing their child from a previous relationship not being able to experience the same lifestyle.

Any parent who would be happy with that?

Surely the DD's mother, having had access to £100k a year for X years, will have saved a university fund for her child? Likewise skiing trips, & all the other luxuries that £1300 a month just won't cover, dammit ..

My uni comment was based on OP’s statement that he had promised DD that he would pay for uni “should she require it”

@Jpw74; I am at the vitriol on this thread, you don't deserve it imho.

I'm with you OP; your DP was suffering ill-health as a result of his stressful job and so, after a year’s consultation with the Mother of his child (and having previously paid over £100k p.a. for many years - not to mention providing them with a home), he took a lower paying role for the sake of his health which has resulted in his maintenance payments for his DD being reduced.

His DD has everything she needs and a lot more besides. She and her Mother have the sort of financial stability that many families in the UK can only dream of. As your DP consulted with the Mother of his child for such an extended period in advance of reducing his monthly payments, I would expect that both of her parents have also discussed the change in finances and any impact this will have on their DD, with her. Her Mother has also had the time to save during this extended ‘consultation period’.

Your DP is still paying much more than CMS would expect, based on his new salary, and £1,300 per month - especially where there are no rent/mortgage costs and the DD is not at a fee-paying school - is plenty to provide everything that his child will need, particularly once her own DM's financial contribution is included.

Yes - this change in circumstances may mean that luxuries like ski-trips now need to be paid for in monthly instalments rather than without blinking in a one-off payment, but they should certainly still be affordable.

Your DP's DD and her Mother have been incredibly fortunate in terms of his financial support over the years and despite the reduction, continue to be in a far better, more secure financial position than millions of others in the UK.

I hope that your DP’s health has improved since his change of role and wish you both a truly wonderful wedding!

YANBU.

Child suffering....childs quality of life massively affected. Dear God. People are talking as though he's cut off any means of support to the kid. Is he supposed to stay in a career that sounds extremely stressful and that is having an affect on his mental health just because the kid is used to being spoilt financially? I assume he is paying a reasonable amount of money and that the kid has all their essentials paid for. I doubt very much that they are living in poverty. It sounds as though the ex is pissed off that the gravy train has come to a halt and is giving out to mutual friends about ex hubby and the new woman. This friend would do good to keep her nose out of other peoples business. Friends husband must have been mortified surely? I'd be keeping them at arms length from now on, she sounds like a snake in the grass.

I have to say a lot of the comments here read as if his child isn’t OP’s fiancé’s.

All the talk about her being lucky her dad supported her for so long, and her enjoying a great lifestyle. He is her daughter. She should have had a lifestyle which reflected his huge wealth.

The drop in lifestyle will be big fee her. Yes she won’t be on the breadline but it will be a huge downshift. That is life, but why are people so angry that she was rich, like her dad? Most children of wealthy men or women are also rich? Indeed this child was unusual in that dad earned nearly £1m per annum yet p she went to a state school.

op can have whatever wedding she wants. Nothing to do with this silly friend.

That’s if this is real.

I think you sound really mean spirited. You don’t have a legal obligation I assume, but a little girl who has a parent who has a household income of nearly a million/year should be having ski trips and luxuries that PPs have mentioned.

Yes, you don’t need these things. But if you can afford it, it seems really mean spirited not to want your SD to share in your charmed life.

Have a lovely wedding and also pony up for the child's maintenance. Everyone's mental health will be better for it.

Better a lesser lifestyle than a dead Dad. MH issues are no joke.

Depends how much the child's/ex's amount dropped to. If they were worth to being rich and now want to live in the way they feel they deserve, well, it'll be a good lesson for the child.

This thread is bonkers

If you agreed to help support him so he could afford to retrain then in my mind the amount of CM that he paid should have been considered in both yours and his decision on whether that was feasible.

What a very selfish parent to massively reduce the amount he can afford to pay towards his child and therefore greatly impact the lifestyle she now lives. Any parent who had a live in child and did the same would receive the same opinion from me as the both of you are.

But the child's life isn't going to massively suffer. She's not loosing her home or her school or her friends. She still has a huge pot of money available to see her through university.
As far as I can see she's very very privileged. At some point in life she's going to have to learn the value of money. Unless she goes into a high paying job too or marries someone who is then her lifestyle will change. Or is daddy supposed to keep funding her forever?
I can only dream of having 100k. In fact right now I'd dream of £1300 a month!

@compulsiveliar2019 but it is (by the way we are low earners too $200k a year is a dream for us lol), they (op's partner and the girls mother) have together decided that they can fund all the extras that the daughter has been given over the years, to take that away all of a sudden while her father is still living a life of luxury is unfair if it can be avoided.

That being said if the mortgage is paid out I do wonder where all that money has gone that the ex needs op's partner to pay for the ski trip to make it affordable. Even the $100k is over triple what our single income family brings in and we have a fair extra bit paid off our mortgage.

But it's not been taken away all of a sudden. The ex has had a year to make changes to their lifestyle. Yes it's unfortunate that they won't have so much money to throw around but tbh I struggle to have any sympathy with them.
Nobody has a right to a luxurious lifestyle no matter who your parents are.

Of course it’s not your responsibility to support your partner’s child.

I am surprised, however, that someone whose mental health was so badly affected by work stress that he was prepared to significantly reduce his child’s standard of living was able to form a new relationship at the time and is now expecting to cope well with the significant stress of teaching.

MH before money. Money is not the be all and end all which us an important lesson. Your money your choice. I would be asking friend the standard MN ‘so you realise you’re being rude?’

If his MH suffering he very well could have ended up with no job and no relationship putting his ex and daughter ina much more precarious position.

Do you have any DC?

My observation is even with quite well-off families (not mine ) there often doesn’t need to be this huge financial outlay to fit in with ones peers.

Realistically even in rich families it’s all about prioritising the decent grades to get to the Russell Group university or Oxbridge to do a decent mainstream subject.

So it’s mainly study/study/study/getting the (often unpaid)work experience at the right places.

Sports - yes tennis/skiing/horse riding is expensive but really if someone is aiming for great grades then this is all a bit optional really.

Obviously a child from a well-off background won’t be working four nights a week stacking shelves, and have decent clothes and “look” reasonably middle class...

But there isn’t much time for expensive partying or glam holidays needing posh clothes or even necessarily extensive extra curricular stuff. 14 year old girls don’t need to keep up with the Kardashians. 16 year olds don’t need luxury beach holidays. That doesn’t turn them into little orphan Annie types.

Rich people often have their heads screwed on and keep their children on fairly tight budgets until they are firmly on the right career path or uni track.

Then the house deposits or the “not needing to work part time at uni” funds start appearing.

So maybe the DH has his head screwed on.

While it is true that it is none of your husband's best friend's wife's business it is a heads up for you that this is what they think.
Not surprising they are critical of spending for a party when a child's budget cuts were supposedly unavoidable.
Perhaps you should look in to just how much economizing he is expecting his daughter to do for his sake.

I assume you mean Takotsubo cardiomyopathy when you say ‘stress heart attack’.

Teaching seems like a bad idea.

I see the friends point to an extent.
If the lowered CMS affects the child then I have to agree a large wedding doesnt make sense.
Yes the child doesnt belong to you but when you marry any kids are a Package deal.