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Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 22:53

You’re presuming there are medicals before people are accepted into teaching!?

Grin they practically lasso people in off the streets! They’re crying out for teachers. Or any adult who will stand in the room tbh. Grin

Sotiredofthislife · 01/12/2019 22:54

*He is goin back to education to better himself to give his kids more money in the future and give his kids a father that doesn't have mh issues

He is training for a career that will pay significantly less than before.

your DPs ex needs to start earning more or find a partner who does....not resent your DP for finding you....the cheeky bitch!

Because jobs that pay more just materialise when you need them. And I love, love, love the irony of Not OP’s responsibility, find a man to sort the issue. Hilarious.

So he should work himself into another heart attack then should he? To keep the ex wife happy

It isn’t actually the ex wife who has complained, is it? And as a teacher myself, it is hardly a stress free job and statistics on retention would back me up on that. It sure as hell isn’t all Hollywood’s where if you are well-meaning, they will all listen and get wonderful results because you showed ‘em you care. Kids in tough schools in areas of high social deprivation struggle with all sorts of stuff not education related that the school will be expected to manage. Such schools are tough environments and not for the faint hearted. Stress-free they certainly are not.

I love how high paying fathers get to do whatever they want and still get called good dad’s. As a single parent with an ex who contributes precisely fuck all, I don’t have the luxury of job changing or trying something new. If I gave up my job, I’d be called all sorts. Dad can do whatever the fuck he wants, eh?

Onesnowballshort · 01/12/2019 22:55

I had a medical before my last teaching job. It was more an occupational health thing, but they flag up if you've any existing conditions.

fedup21 · 01/12/2019 23:00

The figures don't make a lot of sense
No.

The DH paying £1300 c/m month when he only earns £1600 a month doesn't add up either.

whiteroseredrose · 01/12/2019 23:01

If he had died in old job then presumably there would have been death in service payments, life insurance that would have paid out to benefit child

Or it would have paid out to the OP is she was his wife by then.

Aridane · 01/12/2019 23:02

@Havaina - I did wonder that - ie whether teaching really is The Most Stressful Job in the World

Aridane · 01/12/2019 23:03

Exactly, @whiteroseredrose!

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 23:03

The DH paying £1300 c/m month when he only earns £1600 a month doesn't add up either.

I assume it's from savings

huntforrussellsprout · 01/12/2019 23:05

To me, as a parent, the only thing that would bother me would be - is my child living the lifestyle that I am. No way would I feel comfortable living a high earner's lifestyle while my child wasn't. Doesn't matter who was funding it - I would absolutely not allow my child to live a materially lower living standard than I was.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/12/2019 23:05

If he had died in old job then presumably there would have been death in service payments, life insurance that would have paid out to benefit child
----
Or it would have paid out to the OP is she was his wife by then

They're not married yet. It's in the OP. The thread is about the OP wanting a lavish wedding.

Onesnowballshort · 01/12/2019 23:06

Of course teaching isn't the most stressful job in the world, no one on here has claimed that. But there are eyebrows raised at the choice of a known-to-be-very-stressful job as the one you choose to retrain for, if your goal to to reduce stress and following a heart attack.

Aridane · 01/12/2019 23:07

Death in service benefit - you nominate the beneficiaries . Up to him who he nominates

Chancey1982 · 01/12/2019 23:07

1300 a month for one child! I receive a third of that for four children. If I got 100k even one yr I'd save the lot! And she owns the house! She's laughing! I don't even know what I'd spend 100k on Confused

PinkGinny · 01/12/2019 23:09

This reply has been deleted

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TatianaLarina · 01/12/2019 23:10

Yeh.

Celticrose · 01/12/2019 23:12

I think you should have the wedding you want. You do not want years down the line to have any regrets and think why did we listen to people saying that it was selfish to spend so much money on a wedding and not have what I wanted. I am assuming that your dp wants the same as you.

I can see people's point about the change in lifestyle for the dd but also according to your OP this has been going on for 10 years so 100k x 10 = 1M that the ex has received. How is there not significant savings. Was the dd dressed in designer clothes. How could she have spent 100k on a toddler or small child each year.

We know little about the dd. Is she spoilt and entitled. I mean the cm will cease on her 18th birthday. Will she hope to coast through life depending on handouts from her father. What sort of life has her mother modelled to her as in a strong work ethic. Will she be able to stand on her own two feet if necessary as no one knows what the future holds. I mean who thought that the crash in 2008 would have such far reaching consequences.
Also I am a bit concerned that the idea being pushed in some posts is that money = happiness. Is it better to have loads of money and be miserable or have enough money and be happy. What is more important to a child to have all the things that money can buy and not feel loved and maybe rejected or have a lot less but feel loved and secure.

Mammyloveswine · 01/12/2019 23:18

I think you sound awful and I'd be fuming tbh!

And fwiw if you are married you have a joint income and therefore you should have a contribution!!! Do you have children? If this was the other way around your children wouldn't suffer so why should your fiancés?

This child is your family, as a family you should be happy to contribute to trips etc!!

If you have children together your fiancé will be able to contribute even less whilst his child with you benefits from your income...how awful!

I'm not saying you pay over the odds but ffs don't spend a crazy amount on a wedding whilst your stepdaughter May be struggling!

Apologies if there's a huge backstory of mum earning 6 figures too...

BodenGate · 01/12/2019 23:19

You are a millionaire. You can have an amazing wedding and ensure your step-daughter doesn’t go without.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 23:22

according to your OP this has been going on for 10 years so 100k x 10 = 1M that the ex has received. How is there not significant savings.

By that token the DP was earning far more than £100k a year for longer than 10 years- why is OP supporting him? Why hasn’t he got significant savings to fund his own career change while still supporting his child?

GinandGingerBeer · 01/12/2019 23:22

You're computer illiterate and work in the city as a trader? GrinGrinGrin

GabsAlot · 01/12/2019 23:23

this is even worse hes been paying that for years for someone he wasnt even with and then gave her a years notice and she still didnt save anything

shes had her fair share id say

MsRomanoff · 01/12/2019 23:25

No one can answer why ita ok for OP to take on his financial responsibilities apart from his childs?

I am a high earner. No where near ops earnings. If I was going to choose to take on dps outgoings that would include what he already pays for his child

The problem here, is that he isnt experiencing and drop in lifestyle. His daughter is. Yes, he is paying alot. But he paid alot more before. Ita still a drop in lifestyle. That's only impacting the dd.

I would bet a year of my wages, that he wouldnt be doing this if his lifestyle was impacted.

Dd lifestyle has to change but her dad can still have a big lavish wedding.

I just dont get why these huge sums are being talked about why the OP, isn't happy to take on this financial responsibility.

Assuming this is true. I would be embarrassed if dp wanted to live off me and reduce what he paid for his son. I definitely wouldnt be bragging about huge sums I was spending on a luxury, to people who are friends with the childs mother.

MsRomanoff · 01/12/2019 23:26

You're computer illiterate and work in the city as a trader?

Ita incredible, isnt it Hmm

UnaCorda · 01/12/2019 23:26

Sorry - this is not entirely relevant and I haven't rtf. However, I'd question the wisdom of trying to avoid work-related stress by retraining as a teacher...

MsRomanoff · 01/12/2019 23:26

Also, a years notice?

So the stress induced heart attack, he carried on working that job for well over a year?