Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

You mention finishing her education- was she ins school/university when she became pregnant?

I couldn't fund my life or my children's on £1,300 per month and I know many other women who couldn't.

But if that's 50% of the costs of running a home for 1 DC - so it's just you and 1 DC - and you have no mortgage to pay, at all, then are you honestly saying you couldn't fund your life on £2,600 a month? (you're contributing the other £1,300, of course.)

When you are used to a certain income most people live to their means.

But most people who are getting over £100,000 a year have hefty accommodation costs, or other commitments like private school or investing into pensions and savings etc. How can you have spent that in a year - over many years - without having money to fall back on?

If a child is used to tuition, trips, lots of extra curriculars then £1,300 isn't going to cover it.

I think it would! If you have no mortgage to pay, then your £1,300 supports the household (food, regular bills etc) and then £1,300 you can spend on extra-curricular activities, tutors and ski trips.

I do get the point that it's a big drop in accustomed lifestyle. But actually it's the lifestyle of the mother which has been propped up - if all she has in terms of income is £1,300 then that's been short-sighted of her in the extreme.

Having returned to the thread with a quick skim through and taking note of your updates I think £1,300 a month is a lot of maintenance, especially without school fees or housing costs. That's a luxurious childhood. I don't believe you should feel under any moral obligation to make significant contributions above that.

(And enjoy your fabulous wedding - bollocks to the miseries )

Tell the ex to fuck off out and get her own 6 figure salary!

Or the ops dp found just find a 6 figure job thata less stress, if its so easy.

So, does his DD ever stay with you?

What contact do you all have?

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory chaotic in the sense she never finished her schooling, came from a broken home, was working several hospitality related jobs to make ends meet and never had a mentor figure to help her. I'm just guessing but I think at the time as he saw the totality of her situation he made the judgement call that it was in the best interest of their child to make her self sufficient and create a more stable household. This is just me guessing!

So you and your DH will continue to live and enjoy the lifestyle that high earning allows but his DD will have to stop doing the things she is used to doing? I can see how seeing you throw cash at, essentially, a party would stick in the ex's throat a bit. Yes, it is your money but if you take on the responsibility of 'keeping' a partner to let them retain and they are therefore not earning, then I think that means taking on their responsibilities too.

@Nanny0gg yes she stays with us once a week and every other weekend plus we split all holidays 50/50

I just love the idea of the OP's husband going into teaching for less stress. Hasn't he listened to the news for the last ten years?

This is a funny one. YANBU but possible he is a bit.

Not many parents choose to seriously downgrade their earnings. Obviously few can, because they don't have the luxury of such choice where there are bills to pay. Your partner has you earning a lot which takes away that issue to an extent.

But also many parents won't choose this because of the impact it will have on their children.

This situation is complicated by the mental health thing.

Its hard, you have unintentionally facilitated him making a choice that is arguably worse for his children. But it was his choice, he is the unreasonable one here if anyone is.

Morally this stinks and I'm glad the friends called you out on it - the sums are irrelevant. (I do, however, find it strange that they have mutual friends who know the financials of both parties when it was only a 2-week fling!)

When you looked at your salary how did you decide which of his bills you would take on?

Had he not noticed all these years that giving ~10k a month to his fling wasn't 'bettering her'?

Teaching is a completely different type of stress to investing banking / trading / hedge funding.

I don't work in finance but I'm laughing a bit at the teachers on the thread being affronted that their jobs are being seen as less stressful than investment banking. They're in different leagues.

This is odd it changed from the beginning question where it was her partner best friends wife to an assassination of the ex and how she has spent the money

With your updates and actual numbers I retract what I said before. YANBU but neither is your partner. I do think the sums are relevant. The mother had plenty of chances to save for a rainy day and the amount given even now is quite significant.

Op, just adding my voice to the chorus of legally you are ok, but morally you are pretty shabby. I'd also get myself a prenup , looks like you've got a clingon there, can't get past his high faluting ideas to help children while teaching (awwww) but doesn't seem to have given a thought to his daughter . Aye, got yourself a right peach there

This thread is nasty with the comments about the dp, who sounds like perfectly good parent, being called a cocklodger and all the little digs about having big wedding in your forties.

Op, neither you or your dp are doing anything wrong. It sounds like your dp has been more than generous to his ex and has supported his child more than adequately.

The ex is getting a huge amount of money and has benefited from an insane amount of financial support in the past. If that's not enough for her, or your dps friends, then there is something seriously wrong with their expectations.

Carry on as you are OP, enjoy your wedding planning, good luck to your dp on his teaching career, and both of you have a wonderful wedding.

A bloke with an annual salary of £800k a year (he won't pay much in tax believe me) should have a couple of million in savings - so frankly £13k a year is a paltry amount to give to maintain his dd's lifestyle.

As a pp has said at that level of salary he could train to be a teacher part time AND do one or two days week consultancy and still earn £100k a year easily.

OP I wonder if

Your wedding which YOU are funding is no one else's business and this friend needs to keep her nose out of other peoples business.

£1,300 is a lot! That's some people's wage a month! 😱

@titchy why wouldnt he pay much in tax?

(I do, however, find it strange that they have mutual friends who know the financials of both parties when it was only a 2-week fling!)

This surprised me soon. I assumed that the two of them had been married for years and so the best friend’s wife was still pretty pally with the ex. Bit weird that she is batting for someone she only knows of rather than knows.

If you have no children of your own or together, presumably all your joint wealth will go in the child's direction eventually, unless you have particular causes that you want to look after. In which case I can't see that you should feel too guilty.

If the child's mother is chaotic (including financially chaotic), that's a separate issue and you'll have to think about how to be a solid presence and make sure the child is well provided for through other means.

But am just thinking out loud; this is so far from the realm of my own experience.

I do disagree with those saying that teaching would be a bad move for him. Presumably he is the best judge of what is best for him, and won't be under many illusions as to what it's really like. There is such a shortage of good STEM teachers. He might use it as a stepping-stone to management (where there's also a shortage), or education technology work, or something else. Of course it's a reasonable career change. I hope it works out.

Have a lovely wedding!

I had to wade through a lot of bile to get to the end of this thread. But Messolini nailed it in the third post. If anyone else criticisms you, use her words as a response.

Moving on, did you persuade him to quit a highly paid in order that you could fulfil a fantasy of being a wicked stepmother? Thought not. That means the choice was his. And given his earning ability and other comments you have made, it sounds like a considered decision to preserve his health. Perhaps the mother would have preferred he die of a heart attack and her daughter inherit everything rather than have a father in her life.

With regards to your spending on the wedding. Have the wedding you want, invite the people you want. Do not mention costs to anyone! Bear in mind that everyone talks about (and often criticises) other people’s wedding choices - too big, too small, so boring, did you see what she was wearing? Do not mention costs to anyone. Surprise them on the day with your plans.

The BF’s wife clearly heard about cutting maintenance from someone. I’ve assumed it was the Ex but I’m not sure if you have said that. She clearly has her opinion and has nailed her colours to the mast. She is no friend of yours. Keep that in mind in the future.

Oops!

I wonder if you've had a rethink?

Sorry if this has been brought up before but I'd love to know how to earn 'high six figures' whilst also being 'computer illiterate'