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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:

StrayWoman · 01/12/2019 21:39

Blimey, the ex chose the right bloke for a 2 week fling.

Fucking £100k a year!!

Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 21:39

So he was married before but not to this woman . You did not make that clear at all. It very much sounded like the childs mother was the ex wife, now she was a wan he had a 2 week fling with?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 21:39

but in previous post said you struggle to use a computer ??

Good question! There’s hope for me yet!

Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 21:40

How often does dsd stay with you both OP?

saraclara · 01/12/2019 21:40

The monthly maintenance number was him running the numbers and talking with her about what are the true outgoings versus luxuries with the intent that they both contribute to the upkeep of their daughter. She was given a year's warning where these conversations were ongoing

The update makes a difference. This hasn't come out of the blue, and the mum has had a year to make good decisions with the 100k.

It is a bit mind boggling to think that a the well fling has resulted in a house bought for her and the child, 100k a year up to now (which must have resulted in at least £1m in total if she's of an age to go on ski trips), and still a healthy £1300 coming in for child expenses. Also daughter won't have any uni costs to worry about.

I'm guessing wife of best friend is also minted if she thinks the child is suffering here.

gypsywater · 01/12/2019 21:40

@StrayWoman I KNOW RIGHT!

Span1elsRock · 01/12/2019 21:41

If his best friend and wife think his behaviour is shoddy.......you can bet your arse everyone else who knows him thinks the same thing.

And they will all be thinking that on your wedding day.

It's not really very tasteful, is it.

saraclara · 01/12/2019 21:41

The well= three week

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 21:41

Surely the appropriate response to the good friends is that your financial arrangements are private.

Which would mean OP not discussing her wedding plans with anyone too.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 21:43

I vaguely remember someone posting similar last year or the year before. Could have been the op around the time he was in the hospital.

I cannot believe though people are calling op out for the drip-feed of the heart attack. She said in the op, he had health issues. Since when does it matter what those issues are? It's suggested all the time on here as a way of reducing stress, change job/career.
Having mh problems, look at how you can help your mh and if that means leave your job do it. Even better you have savings, awesome go for it.
But now he's getting lambasted for doing this. Why?
If he wasn't supporting the child at all then I could understand it. But he's not. He's using his savings which I can only presume has included the long term plan for this, and how he can support her as an adult. Plus contributing something to the current household income.

Scotinthenorth · 01/12/2019 21:45

The ex is a CF.

Delatron · 01/12/2019 21:46

So she’s not an ex wife who had become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. She was a fling?

So why did he give her £100k a year? You don’t need that much to raise a child. He can pay child maintenance but doesn’t need to pay spousal maintenance.

Anyway, your money, your wedding and I think it’s rude for this person to comment.

frumpety · 01/12/2019 21:47

I would highly recommend a prenup OP.

Original poster

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 21:47

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory sorry! That was a typo

OP posts:

Havaina · 01/12/2019 21:49

So the ex was getting £8.3k CM and is now getting £1.3k?

She did very well out of a 2 week fling! yes i know money is for the child

I wouldn't increase CMS. Maybe save money in an account to help with uni fees, house purchase etc. I wouldn't be funding the mum anymore, chaotic or not.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/12/2019 21:50

I think there are two issues here.

I'm afraid you df ex has to accept that for his own health reasons, he had to take a different job and that included a drop in wages. It's not nice for her or the dc, but having a heart attack and a stressful job isn't nice for him either. I've worked in a high earning but v stressful job so can completely understand his decision to retrain. I now earn significantly less than I did, but I don't think I'd be working now if I hadn't left. Better to have some cms money coming in than none at all, and his dc has a healthy Dad, because he's too unwell to earn. Sounds like he's trying to talk to his ex and work things out so he's not simply just reducing the amount, he's trying to budget with her.

How much you earn and how much you spend on anything (weddings included) is nothing to do with his ex... if you wanting the big wedding and this doesn't impact on your df paying maintenance, then it's really nothing to do with her and has no bearing. I can understand from the ex perspective that it might not sit well, but it's life and the joys of co-parenting.

thethoughtfox · 01/12/2019 21:50

Who goes into teaching to escape stress?

crispysausagerolls · 01/12/2019 21:50

I initially wanted to comment that people don’t understand on here about living affluent lifestyles, that maintenance is paid to maintain them, that a drop in maintenance from 8k to 1.3k is shocking for a child...but ... BUT

I read your updates. This is a 2-3 week fucking fling, not an ex wife. No mortgage, no private school?! (Find hard to believe but anyway) - what the hell?! I would not feel comfortable contributing myself unless mother of the child got a fucking job, and I say this as a SAHM in a very fortunate financial position. Outrageous.

Bluerussian · 01/12/2019 21:51

titchy Sun 01-Dec-19 21:12:09
I am really proud of him that he took this leap of faith

The cynic in me wonders why he waited till he met someone who could keep him in his existing lifestyle before he took the leap..... Did he not fancy living in a one bed flat shopping at Lidl in order to live his dream...? No? Funny that...
........
I haven't read it quite like that. The op and her partner were in very high paying jobs in finance but her partner's health suffered, he had a coronary. That is not uncommon in their world and other types of 'burning out'. He either carried on until it killed him or tried another path. I don't suppose it was an easy decision but he said he always wanted to teach maths and help some special pupils (I can't remember what the specialty is), so why not?

If he hadn't started to retrain he would either be chronically sick, dead or on the dole.

He still does the best he can for his daughter and the op has said he is using savings. She isn't just his daughter, she has a mother who presumably has to provide too.

The wedding is the thing. Maybe it would be tactful to have a less extravagant wedding; it can still be very good and tasteful but not the type of celebration that would feature in 'Hello'.

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 21:51

he spoke to her about how things need to change as it was always assumed that the money he was giving was meant to better her

You what??

Onesnowballshort · 01/12/2019 21:51

I haven't got beyond the idea that someone would go into teaching because it's less stressful.

Original poster

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 21:52

@Delatron the 100k number was way before I came on the scene. I think his original intention was it would give her the chance to either be able to afford to finish her education and start a career or start a business of some sort. If I had to guess I think he felt bad for her because the three of us all come from similar backgrounds and maybe he felt like he wanted to give her a fresh start or an extra leg up?

Maybe he felt guilty because he felt he should marry her since she was pregnant with his child but has said that there was no way he could see them ever being compatible enough to be in a committed long term relationship?

This is me absolutely just guessing though as I really never felt in the position to question why he gave her so much money each year

OP posts:

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 21:52

I'd love to know how they came to 10k if there's no rent or schooling.
Multiple ponies? Multiple cars? Holidays every school holiday including half term?

Mummyshark2018 · 01/12/2019 21:56

My issue would be regardless of who earns the money in your household, are you and the childs father going to have a significantly better lifestyle than the child? If so then this is wrong regardless of what happened before. I understand that your soon to be dh couldn't have predicted a heart attack but neither could the ex. If your dp had not met you and still had heart attack anyway what would he be doing to support his dc- maybe take time off to recover (live on his massive assumed savings) and then make a more realistic career choice based on his circumstances. Sounds like your dp has striked lucky with a very high earning partner and had lots of choices.

gypsywater · 01/12/2019 21:58

@Jpw74 What do you mean by chaotic? Did she not also work in finance? How did they meet?

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