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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 01/12/2019 21:28

Actually in a divorce settlement maintaining the level of lifestyle is EXACTLY the aim if that is possible, particularly with the very very wealthy. Hence the millions in spousal you occasionally see.

This ^

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 01/12/2019 21:28

His kid and exw might not have anyone to support them if he dropped dead from a heart attack or killed himself so maybe they should value what is actually important here. Grabby.

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 21:29

You cannot rely on another person's income to maintain your lifestyle indefinitely.

I take it that message goes to the OP's DP as well as his ex, =ffswhatnext* Wink Grin

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 21:29

How is it relevent if the op has children?

It’s relevant if she has children with her DP as that would mean the DDs sibling(s) are getting a vastly different lifestyle than her. Which will sting.

In the OP it refers to the DD as being his “other child” which suggests he does have at least one other child. Not clear if that is with the OP or someone else. Presumably if it was with someone else OP would have mentioned that child maintenance payment too.

Jiggles101 · 01/12/2019 21:30

£1300 a month with no rent/mortgage to pay is plenty. I can't afford to pay for skiing trips and tutors for my kids either, they're not missing out.

Also teaching may be stressful but at least he considers it worthwhile and meaningful, this makes a big difference to what we can tolerate.

gypsywater · 01/12/2019 21:30

Great earner for a 2-3 week fling, my god! Shock

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 21:30

1300 is a huge dent in the ski trip fund. State school here central London is around 2k. He's still paying over half.
If she faces financial hardship from paying 1300 in one go, she can pay it in instalments over a few months.
There is no logical reason why the op or her dp should pay anymore.

Surely it's a good life skill for the dd, knowing that you have to budget and save sometimes.

BigFatLiar · 01/12/2019 21:31

I think I may have more of a view if I knew why they split, I'd have more empathy with the ex if he split from her rather than her from him.

Don't think the big weddings the issue, a big wedding isn't my sort of thing but if you want it go for it and enjoy it. If your friends don't approve then perhaps you have the wrong friends.

What most people on here object to is your husband deciding to change jobs to a much lower paid job. There is I believe a great deal of difference in a high stress job you enjoy and a high stress job that makes you ill. Most here believe your partners health and wellbeing is secondary to providing for his ex and daughter. Without his health and well being his ex and daughter would be even worse off though I hope she has him insured in case of death. If this had been a woman giving up a job that caused her health issues to undertake a career change I doubt there would have been the outcry about 'sponging'.
Sounds as if he's doing his best for her, if his health deteriorated and he had to pack in entirely she'd be in worse state though I expect many would say that you should take on responsibility for his daughter.

gypsywater · 01/12/2019 21:31

What was the exes job? You say she was chaotic? Did she also not work in a similar field?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 21:32

OP can you clarify whether he has other children?

dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2019 21:32

Ex and partner were never married.

That's funny, in your OP you state this is the second marriage for both of you. Now she was just some fling but he nobly stood by her and of course, she is chaotic Hmm.

Melsbell · 01/12/2019 21:32

You've got to love Mumsnet when it comes to Step-mums! They're more often than not told that they shouldn't over step any boundaries, discipline is not their place (even in their own homes!), they shouldn't expect to be able to have any input in how family time is spent, they should be bottom of the pile in almost all aspects and suck it up as "they knew what they were getting themselves into" but there's going to be a change in child maintenance due to changes in circumstances? Oh of course, the Step-Mum should be putting her hand in her pocket and covering that! Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't. The general consensus on here is usually that Step-mums should mind their own business so maybe op should do just that? The responsibility of steps being taken to ensure the financial stability of the child in the case of circumstances changing shouldn't just fall to the Father. For the Mother to have been receiving such huge maintenance for so long and have not been putting any aside in case of a rainy day was mad!

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 21:33

Effectively was a 2-3 week fling but partner stepped up to being (what I consider!) a great dad through all these years and bought house etc

He bought a house for someone he had a 3 week fling with? Hmm are you sure?

Smilebehappy123 · 01/12/2019 21:34

100k a year ? Does she work herself? The only thing she will be annoyed about is that she cant sit on her ass and is probably used to having 100k and not having to work
Nah fuck that 1300 quid is alot of money each month

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 21:34

What most people on here object to is your husband deciding to change jobs to a much lower paid job.

It's hard to believe that there wasn't an easy £80k job vs the old £800k job. Teaching is brutal. My secondary school aged kids say that they'd never do it and they probably don't know half the stress that their teachers go through. I'm sure that I read on here about NQTs working until midnight

Original poster
Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 21:35

Sorry to be unclear:

I have no children and we are not intending to have any children together.

Partner has been married before, not to EX, and has no other children other than dd

She has always been in state. Partner is state educated, bought them home in a nice area and he feels strongly in supporting the state education system

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2019 21:35

You've got to love Mumsnet when it comes to Step-mums!

And drip feeds, and story changing when the OP doesn't get the responses they want or expect.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 21:36

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory
When families no longer live together, this is something that could happen in any home.
Even homes that are split on average incomes, spending on the children will differ. There will never be any equality.

gypsywater · 01/12/2019 21:36

Ex sounds like the biggest gold digger on earth!

Commenty · 01/12/2019 21:36

The derision at switching from what must be something in the City to teaching above is eye-opening. If it turns out he's a good teacher, society will benefit from him doing this - so if the OP is looking for moral support then she can take that point into account.

Surely the appropriate response to the good friends is that your financial arrangements are private.

There's also the point that careers that pay at that level are rarely sustainable - people following them earn a lot but carry a lot of career risk and are worked into the ground. He couldn't have carried on until retirement age like that.

And he might have lost his job during the next financial crisis in any case.

OP, if your conscience is clear, then it's probably better not to look for validation online. You won't find a consensus saying you are doing the right thing, and the criticisms will hurt.

I've never been skiing and would probably agree that skiing trips aren't necessities. But I don't know the precise situation or relationships involved, and I imagine it might very much depend on what the child is like - whether they are sensitive to status and so on.

Perhaps one reason that the post has led to such reactive responses is that you appear to be justifying an expensive event to celebrate your relationship, but judge that expensive outlays for children are materialistic. Hence the response from some posters that weddings are also materialistic. If you are otherwise frugal and you and your fiance are putting money aside for the children's futures, then that would put a rather different gloss on things.

doritosdip · 01/12/2019 21:36

How old is the child? If he has a fund for supporting her at uni then I'm surprised that he wouldn't start teacher training then tbh

Smilebehappy123 · 01/12/2019 21:37

And how the hell do you earn that much but in previous post said you struggle to use a computer ??

Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 21:38

Ex and partner were never married. Effectively was a 2-3 week fling but partner stepped up to being (what I consider!) a great dad through all these years

I had to laugh at this. Do you think he is some sort of hero because he took responsibility for the child he created?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 01/12/2019 21:38

So what did your friend mean OP when she referred to your DSD as DPs “other child”?

BrickTop999 · 01/12/2019 21:39

Oh for fucks sake !!!
Tell the ex to fuck off out and get her own 6 figure salary !
And MN’s pearl clutchers - dont even start with she gave up her career to have a child. Many women never had a decent career to start with.
Women who rely on men to supplement and support them to a level they would never have achieved ever should gain some self respect and earn their own way in this world
( says someone who worked FULL TIME and managed to bring up two wonderful boys on my own )