Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

It should never have been mentioned- but I can imagine that his decision, which had been made purely due to your income, will be having quite a detrimental affect on his child. His lifestyle doesn't change at all as you are boosting it with your income, his daughters dies. Whilst it isn't legally your problem, in your position if he picking up uniform costs, trips, etc, but not necessarily providing actual money to try and even it out- so would provide all school related costs. I can understand why mum is bitter. He gets an easier job, still has a nice lifestyle, and his daughter gets a significant reduction in her standard of living.

If they had such an arrangement, then that's really down to the daftness of the ex-wife. You cannot rely on another person's income to maintain your lifestyle indefinitely.

Even if the OP is on 800k

After tax, paying out 100k would be one hell of a burden for kids who live with his ex
The OP presumably has her own mortgage and high living expenses

Paying out 5k for an annual ski trip would be a very kind gift, which sounds more feasible

Your DH’s mental health is far more important than any extra money. A teachers salary will give perfectly reasonable maintenance, the EX has no scope for complaint there. Would the DC reallt rather go skiiing than have their father still alive?

This.

Do you have children of your own or with DP who haven't had to change their lifestyle during tp his retraining?

I'm also surprised at his new career choice. What makes him think it will be less stressful?

I think there are a lot of responses here that fall into black and white where as I think there is quite a bit of grey to unpick here.

The Ex and DD has understandably imho become used to a level of maintenance that's been reasonable wrt the OP's previous earnings.

It's easy to say the Ex should have saved etc (and tbh I agree she should if only because there will come a day where she isn't eligible) but her expectations were probably that the previous contributions would continue until her DD went to/finished higher education. The change in circumstances has come well before that.

Regarding the OP's DH, the reason for this change in circumstance wasn't frivolous.

The possible end result of not changing his lifestyle could well have meant he wasn't around to pay anything (though I do question the idea that teaching is a low stress job - I'd argue far from it, though I appreciate I have no comparison to his previous employment).

The crux of the issue seems to me that whilst no- one has behaved badly, a set of circumstances has arisen where the OP's DH has been able to make significant life changes, in agreement/consultation with the OP that negatively impact his Ex and child whilst not substantially impacting him at all.

I don't think it's necessarily up to the OP to fund this "gap" on an ongoing basis but I do think there is an element in respect of the wedding that is somewhat rubbing their noses in it.

I appreciate that skiing holidays etc aren't necessary.

However, that can equally be levelled at many aspects of an extravagant wedding and I can see how, under the circumstances it comes across as distasteful.

Upshot, it's up to you OP. By all means have the wedding of your dreams, however the cost may not just be £££ but the relationship with your soon to be step child and perception of your friends.

He isn't paying for all the extras now. He's giving the ex 1300k a month.
When he was paying 100k a year he was paying the extras.

His decision was based on his health.

Why was the heart attack only mentioned down the line when people were critical of your partner? You mentioned his mental health in your OP and how you noticed how unwell he was, but left out he actually had a heart attack. Surely that would be pretty critical opening information as to why he left a particular career.

I'm a stepmother and have been a first and second partner/wife.

I agree with the friends wife to be honest.

If you and your dp decided that him retraining would be supported by you financially that should have included maintenance.

If you are the partner of a resident partner and that parent loses a job/gets ill etc that partner usually has to step in to keep the house hold going. I dont see it as any different.

Its your choice obviously but yes I would judge you both and pretty poorly at that.

The ex is now having to step up to cover the significant shortfall your partner has dumped on her. He's not a good man.

What a dumb thing to say. So he should have another heart attack to keep giving that level of maintenance? Madness.

As for those saying the idea of a lavish wedding at 40 is naff, what the hell? Don’t be so bloody rude, people can have whatever wedding they want. Are you jealous of the OP?

I must admit, @Jpw74, teaching is no sinecure. Like many other jobs, you join up wanting to help and find it too stressful and incredibly frustrating that you’re prevented from doing so because of the bureaucracy/stuff seemingly unrelated to your job like meeting parents who seem to think your entire school policy should change because only their child matters Often very stressful and frustrating.

The heart attack may not have been stress induced. OP said that herself.

But again the issue here is, I bet he wouldnt have done this retraining if his lifestyle would have changed.

He wouldnt have changed his lifestyle to become a teacher. But it's ok for his daughter to change hers, while he Carrie's on as before.

It seems it joint income when it suits op and her partner.

And working in schools with under privileged kids, is not the job for someone who has had a stress induced heart attack.

Its nor even a good long term plan that will reduce his stress. What the plan going to be if he is still ill through stress. Just give up work, because he actually has no clue what he is heading into?

School ski trip is unlikely to be £5k - my children are at private schools and £2k a year covers most trips including European ski trip. Would be surprised if state school was doing a £5k ski trip.

But also wondering at the child being in state? I don't know many people on that type of income with children in state schools to be honest. But I know plenty who have had to move children as fathers have stopped paying the school fees.

Still manage to live their own indulgent lifestyles though. But hey, ex wifes and children just have to suck it up.

OP when you took on all his other financial obligations, why did you nor consider this a financial obligation?

How is it relevent if the op has children?
It's not her that had to give up a high paying job. The dsd has 2 parents, the ex and ops dp. If roles were reversed would you expect the ex to fund the ops lifestyle?

His Daughter doesn't have a 'right' to the level of lifestyle she was accustomed to.

Actually in a divorce settlement maintaining the level of lifestyle is EXACTLY the aim if that is possible, particularly with the very very wealthy. Hence the millions in spousal you occasionally see.

I would normally say it is absolutely not the new wife’s responsibility to support her step children.

This one does make me a little uncomfortable because the disparity is so great. You earn nearly a million pounds a year. That buys a fabulous lifestyle for you and your husband. While I don’t think it is up to you to contribute to monthly living costs, surely if it’s family money, you could both help out with things like school trips.

It’s absolutely not your responsibility, but I Assume you love his little girl and you can easily afford it?

I help out with this sort of thing for my nieces and nephews. Don’t have to, but want to.

I thought so too Titchy!

How old is the daughter and how long since the divorce? It would impact my answer tbh.

If roles were reversed would you expect the ex to fund the ops lifestyle?

That doesnt make sense. OP has decided to join incomes and take on his financial obligations. Except this one.

At no point did the ex agree to take on the ops financial obligations.

While I agree that his DD is not your responsibility, the optics of having a hugely lavish wedding while his DD's lifestyle will have changed so dramatically are fucking awful.

Sorry had to step away:

To answer some question. Ex and partner were never married. Effectively was a 2-3 week fling but partner stepped up to being (what I consider!) a great dad through all these years and bought house etc as back then Ex had a quite a chaotic life and he wanted to give her and the baby the opportunity to reset their lives to a different path.

How this conversation came about: both partner and I came from humble backgrounds (which is also why he had sympathy for how hard it was for Ex to get ahead without additional support from him in the beginning). In all these years she never used the money to finish education, work full time etc. after heart attack he spoke to her about how things need to change as it was always assumed that the money he was giving was meant to better her and save for their future so that both he and her could be equal coparents down the line and there wouldn't be this large disparity between the two households.

He has money set aside for dd's education and openly talks to her that he will support her financially entirely if she chooses to go to uni and/or get a masters degree.

The monthly maintenance number was him running the numbers and talking with her about what are the true outgoings versus luxuries with the intent that they both contribute to the upkeep of their daughter. She was given a year's warning where these conversations were ongoing.

For those interested, we are both in finance. My background started off as a trader and now work in a HF.

Exactly @Dollymixture22 - surely that's the joy of being pretty wealthy that you can help friends/family whenever you can?

Thank goodness my stepfather wasn't so mean spirited.

Are we demonising the ex-wife because she would’ve been happy for him to carry on in that job? As if she had any recourse to prevent it? There’s a definite note of wealthy saviour here and I feel like the ex-wife is probably suffering for that too so I would imagine that also makes her defensive.

Can you please share what you both do/did to earn salaries of about £900,000

Presumably City traders?