Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

What the ops partner pays now is probably nearer the actual cost. If you worked out actual cost And split it in two since when should the absent parent have to fund in excess of what it really costs because they earn mega bucks!

At least your friend had the decency to say it to you directly rather than gossiping behind your back like I am sure everyone else is. This is about your partners daughter and the impact it will have on her life. Did he think about this before making such a big decision? Did he sit down with his ex wife and explain the change in circumstances? Is he paying maintenance while studying?

I really hope your partner went and worked/volunteered in a school before jumping into studies. If not he will be in for a huge shock re stress once he gets working. Of course have the wedding you want to have, I am sure you will but yes I agree with your friend very poor form.

I feel like for over a decade she had the opportunity to save.

Except she presumably thought the CM would continue till their dd had finished school. I don't suppose she had any notice that her income was effectively going to be reduced by 85%.

I think the answer lies in whether you’ve both sat her down and explained to her what is happening and why. If you can do that without feeling shame or the need to bend the truth, then your conscience is clear.

Your wedding your money 🤷🏻‍♀️
At least your fiance is still contributing .. he could be jobless or worse not around anymore .. we all go through issues but we adapt ..
EX could marry. Millionaire and not have any money worries .. we don’t know what the future holds ..

It is up to you and no one else How you spend your money

Since he has a DD, did you discuss the impact on her of the change in income? Or did DP forget that she would be massively
affected too?

I can see why you've made the decision to support him, but you've either forgotten to factor in DSD when deciding, or you both consciously decided that she can cope with the change in lifestyle because you grew up in modest surroundings.

FWIW, I think that your own childhood situation is irrelevant as there are so many other factors to consider in whether DSD will be adversely affected. Plus, the impact of DSD being in a Flowers for Algernon situation where she knows what it's like to be well-off and must now adapt to having significantly less is nothing like having always had one consistent lifestyle. It sounds like you have had the experience of going from a modest childhood to becoming very well-off. You went through the lovely version, and DSD is going through the opposite experience, through no fault of her own.

Also, the fact that DP has effectively looked after himself (in having you support him) but not DSD is likely to be very hurtful to her, so I can see why mutual friends feel for her.

Giving up a career for health reasons is one thing, but the fact he has chosen one of the most notoriously stressful careers does undermine that reasoning somewhat - it sounds like he just wants to be a teacher, not that he's overhauling his lifestyle to eliminate unnecessary stress. That's obviously up to him, but perhaps people are judging you because the health thing seems like a lame excuse given his new career choice.

The other possibility, of course, is that DP just doesn't think things through thoroughly. That would explain this whole situation and why he failed to factor in his DD or the reality of teaching.

When I mean actual I don’t mean rent to house them as you’d pay that anyway l. Kids don’t cost much in terms of gas or electric. TheY cost food and clothing. Clubs holidays with schools are luxuries. Ergo cost peanuts to raise a child I’ve raised two on a low income single handed. They had every thing they wanted and decent clothes.

Retraining as a teacher for less stress
Good luck with that I was a teacher prior to my current role , it was hell
It would help Op for you to give us a figure , so what maintenance is he paying now if he is training as he wont be getting paid for that ??
It does seem harsh as I can imagine that unless mother earns a high six figure sum then ultimately the only person to lose out is the child
What is the actual change in arrangement?
I'm also torn on this as at any given time anybody can lose a job , become sick etc so sometimes changes in income are unavoidable

"when negotiating settlements it is wise to go for as high a percentage of assets as possible as clearly maintenance can not be relied upon."

The ex has obviously received at least a large house, mortgage-free, which most don't
She still receives a far higher maintenance than most

Few ordinary families retain the same standard of living after a divorce
Not possible unless you are splitting assets of 20 million or so

All the comments saying this man shouldn't continue a job that detrimental to his mental health!!!
I'm not saying what is wrong or right but daily I read in here about women who are completely done in with jobs, housework, childcare, family etc.
Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it, I'll bet if ops fella didn't have a rich wife he wouldn't be "for filling his dream"

I think the point is OP that no you don’t have lavish ski holidays etc, but I’m assuming whatever lifestyle you did have wasn't suddenly whipped from under your feet when your dad decided he wasn’t paying maintenance anymore (or enter any other reason why your standard of living was drastically changed). His daughter is going to massively resent her dad. Yes not his fault he was in a stressful job and needed to change that for health reasons. But to go from high income to zero whilst he maintains his standard of living from new wife whilst child goes from a huge amount of maintenance to basics. You can understand why his friends are thinking this. Good on her for having the courage to say. No she’s not your daughter, but she’s your step daughter (soon) and you’re the reason the maintenance has reduced hugely. For her to attend your over the top lavish wedding whilst her standard of living has reduced Im sorry but this will be coming back to bite the pair of you.

You are setting a great example to DD, to earn her own money one day and not to depend on anyone else! Her fathers situation has changed - she has to adapt!

Her dad's setting a really poor example, then. Sponging off someone else while he reneged on his responsibilities. His situation hasn't changed that much, has it? He's still living in a 'high six figure household' and telling his daughter she has to suck it up.

@Smilebehappy123
he's paying 1300k a month. The op has mentioned this

I am really proud of him that he took this leap of faith

The cynic in me wonders why he waited till he met someone who could keep him in his existing lifestyle before he took the leap..... Did he not fancy living in a one bed flat shopping at Lidl in order to live his dream...? No? Funny that...

The friends partner needs to mind her own business me thinks. Cheeky woman!

"Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it"

Not after a heart attack

as long as everything like food and clothing are covered they should cut their cloth

So the ex and dd have to cut their cloth but the father doesn't?

The ex-wife is also setting a great example. Oh, darling because daddy had to give up work, and although he gives 1300k a month now. You won't be going on the ski trip because I don't want to use my income to top it up. Nor do I want to use the money saved over the years, to top it up.

Op only says DD goes to state school not private but has she always? DD could have moved schools once maintenance was cut.
Effect on child must be visible for long time friend to have commented.

It wasn’t really a leap of faith though was it? Because a) he apparently had no choice due to his health and b) ops income was there for him to land on.

Agreed that normally that living standards go down on divorce. Ex wifes clearly did if she received £100k a year and ex was earning nearly a million??

If you are used to a six figure income - well you are not going to run a large house on £1,300 a month even one with a mortgage paid off.

The OP supports her partner - she can hardly make him live on bread & water in the garden shed -

but she is not obliged to pay 100,000 + extras to support his kids who don't live with them

The cynic in me wonders why he waited till he met someone who could keep him in his existing lifestyle before he took the leap..... Did he not fancy living in a one bed flat shopping at Lidl in order to live his dream...? No? Funny that...

Funny how heart attacks don't work like that. If only hey, so many could be prevented.

I really don't get all this what would they do if he had to carry on in his job and died. If he wasn't in a relationship with the OP and had taken a pay cut then yes the ex an dd would also have taken a pay cut. But crucially from DDs pov she would see her fathers lifestyle changing as well as her own. And whukst she nay not like that at least she sees its fair and understands it. In this scenario she sees her DF living the same luxurious lifestyle he always has whilst hers changes. For all we know he and his ex could have agreed she would be a sahm. Maybe thats why he continued with high CMS payments. So even by something as simple as the ex going out ti work DDs life will be altered. Hiw dies it look to a child if their life changes significantly because of a parents illness but that parents life doesn't change at all. It will damage the relationship.

Op only says DD goes to state school not private but has she always?

Yes I wondered that. Id be amazed If on an income in the high 6s the child wasn’t in private.