Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 20:54

I need to know what his previous job was. I want one of these jobs that earn 800k a year.

SweetSally · 01/12/2019 20:54

As a mother myself I think that's absolutely disgusting behaviour. Yes, it's your money and your wedding however your behaviour is affecting a child that had been left by her dad and he's busy having a midlife crisis. It's nothing to do with you, it's him that I would be mad. It's absolutely disgusting and despicable how easy it is for men to be "the best father they can be" but the reality is that they just walk away from their children and leave women to pick up the pieces. I can't believe that you are happy to start a family with someone so selfish.

Collaborate · 01/12/2019 20:55

Just wanted to add my voice to those backing OP - it's no one else's business.Carry on as you are. The thought of some of those responding to this thread that your partner's mental health should come second to the child maintenance remaining high is utterly appalling.

Also it's rather insulting to those on a teacher's salary to suggest that child maintenance is somehow inadequate.

Dollymixture22 · 01/12/2019 20:55

I suppose from the daughters perspective daddy had an amazing job and earned nearly a million quid a year. She lived a lovely charmed life.

Daddy met a lady who also Earned nearly a million quid a year. Daddy decided to stop earning key and live of lovely new lady and her millions.

Daddy helps pay for food and stuff now but I can’t have the nice stuff anymore. But daddy can, because the new lady with the millions pays for him, not me.

strawberry2017 · 01/12/2019 20:55

I think people are being really harsh with you. If the exW has managed to spend 100k a year whilst having no mortgage then that's on her. Sometimes you have to make decisions that people are not going to like.
I hope she's working too and contributing to her child's up bringing financially too.
You said yourself you help where you can when it's something specific but just coz you work hard doesn't mean you have to cover the shortfall every month.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 20:56

@SweetSally how is having a heart attack selfish?
Are you really suggesting that he should have stayed in a job that was harming his health?

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 20:56

No obligation to keep them in luxury & privilege that only 1% of the country enjoy

Of course a step parent has no obligation to do this. But, when the child's DF continues to live the privileged lifestyle of that 1% I think it's extremely sad.

Dollymixture22 · 01/12/2019 20:56

But, it’s up to your partner to decide what he does with his life. His ex will just have to accept that life is different now.

I would however focus on making sure his daughter understand all this.

Spacebowlisback · 01/12/2019 20:58

Misses point spectacularly but teaching is really stressful and the training year is hard!

I don’t know. I just can’t envisage the way that conversation went. Wouldn’t any stand up guy say, “Okay, let’s do this, but I really don’t want DC to suffer because of it.” I feel like it would be a stipulation of the agreement, surely? I know it’s not cricket to ask OP to contribute but surely that’s more moral than taking this decision knowing the knock-on effect it would have on his child? And I agree - kids don’t need skiing trips etc but they do need to see themselves as a priority.

mrscampbellblackagain · 01/12/2019 20:58

I think the problem for some people is that they can't contemplate the type of lifestyle the ex had. Personally I am just surprised the child wasn't in private school.

I couldn't fund my life or my children's on £1,300 per month and I know many other women who couldn't.

When you are used to a certain income most people live to their means.

If a child is used to tuition, trips, lots of extra curriculars then £1,300 isn't going to cover it.

And believe me - the OP is lucky the friends mentioned it because a lot at the wedding will be thinking it.

I really think with maintenance it is not a race to the bottom and doing the bare minimum.

I guess this is why when negotiating settlements it is wise to go for as high a percentage of assets as possible as clearly maintenance can not be relied upon.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 20:59
  • Daddy met a lady who also Earned nearly a million quid a year. Daddy decided to stop earning key and live of lovely new lady and her millions.

Maybe the child is thinking 'thankfully daddy gave up the job that put him in hospital. I don't want to lose him and if that means giving up a yearly ski trip, then so be it.

Not like he decided without considering his health which should come first. No?

PicsInRed · 01/12/2019 20:59

DD was a member of one class, with a particular lifestyle and cultural norms, and had a particular future mapped out - and your partner has effectively ripped her world up and walked away.

£100k down to circa 15k per year is life changing.

Of course mutual friends will comment. They're horrified by DD's predicament and changed circumstances. It's practically a Jane Austin novel.

You made your choice, you take the judgement.

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 21:00

Are you really suggesting that he should have stayed in a job that was harming his health

No one has suggested that.

There are any number of less stressful options open to the dh that pay less than the 6 figure sum but more than £30 k

willowmelangell · 01/12/2019 21:01

Crikey OP you are getting a roasting here.
It doesn't sound like the dd is on the breadline.

Your DP has career changed for his health and well being.
Have the wedding you want.
What non financially contributing people think is just their opinion. Tell them to stick their hand in their wallet if they are so bothered by it.

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 21:02

And surely mum also has a financial obligation to meet the needs of the child regardless of how much they receive.

When he earned he paid a considerable amount and all the extras on top. There's no reason why the mum wouldn't have this money in the bank which she can now use to meet any shortfall if she doesn't want to contribute.

fedup21 · 01/12/2019 21:02

There are any number of less stressful options open to the dh that pay less than the 6 figure sum but more than £30k

More like £24k!

fedup21 · 01/12/2019 21:02

Does the mum wrk and what sort of money does she earn?

gypsywater · 01/12/2019 21:02

I think you're genuinely really admirable....a lot of women (inc many on this thread seemingly...) would rather their partner continue to earn mega bucks than look after their health...youre a breath of fresh air. All the best to you.

DowntownAbby · 01/12/2019 21:03

@Firstdatesboxsets

I wouldn’t marry a man who cared so little for his child.

What do you want him to do?

Go back to a job that was killing him?

Seriously, what should he do in your opinion?

mrscampbellblackagain · 01/12/2019 21:03

Lucky for daddy though he can go ski-ing as new wife will fund it Smile

Good lesson for his daughter though - never rely on a man.

Surely when most people have a family they discuss what type of upbringing they will have - private/state school ski trips/no ski trips?

To be honest, it would have been a lot more straight forward if the OP wasn't in the picture.

No one is going to say the Dad should continue in a job which was detrimental to his health. But the sticking points is him telling daughter no school ski trip for you and sorry can't discuss any more as I am off to Sandy Lane for Christmas Wink

TatianaLarina · 01/12/2019 21:04

As others have commented I can’t really get over the naivety of thinking teaching is a low stress job. And underprivileged schools are the most stressful of all.

Even if he chose a quiet small private school with naicely behaved gels there will still be a lot of pressure.

I have to agree big 40something weddings are cringe and I don’t know why you’d want to blow a silly money on it, but you seem to have money to burn.

Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 21:05

Or what is your job OP? What are these high 6 figure jobs that people never want to name?
If you're earning that it's not like your short of cash is it, even without his high salary. You could bung the kids a few extra quid a month really. Wouldn't affect your life much.

Keepmewarm · 01/12/2019 21:05

You are not doing anything wrong op.
Have your dream wedding.
And your dp was right to change jobs. Better for his dd to have a happy, healthy dad than no dad.

PennyBryn · 01/12/2019 21:06

It is absolutely your right to have the wedding of your dreams

It is absolutely your right to keep the money you earn to yourself and to not share it with others

It is absolutely your right to kindly gift things to your step daughter as and when you see fit

It was absolutely your fiancé’s right to retrain for whatever reason he saw fit

However when we exercise our rights we are not entitled to dictate how our actions are perceived by anyone, especially those that are directly affected

This thread would appear to demonstrate that the majority of people feel that your “rights” were not necessarily the right thing to do.

Your questions in the title were “should I be made to feel guilty” and “should I contribute”

No one can make you feel guilty, you are responsible for your own feelings but I know that I would feel a sense of guilt if I were in a position to treat my step daughter and I didn’t do so. I say this however without knowing the dynamics of your relationship. If she had an overinflated sense of entitlement, if she showed great ingratitude maybe I might feel differently

As to whether you should contribute, I guess the answer to that is very much tied up in your individual blended family dynamic. Do you feel you have a motherly role to his daughter?

ffswhatnext · 01/12/2019 21:06

That may be so. Still doesn't mean that the op should fill in the gap. If he did this and op wasn't around, unfortunately the mum and dd would have still been in this situation.
It's possible that other things don't interest him, not near them etc and involve a long commute. This could then impact the contact.

I do agree though that education is an odd choice and he's going to get a massive slap on the face. He needs to stop listening to those who don't have a clue and actually talk to those in education.