Why do people insist they are suffering financially?

[Ritascornershop]

I’m talking about people on 3x or more my income. Friends, family, coworkers. If they say “are you going away for Christmas?” And I say “No, we’re staying home” then they ask why and I say “oh, I can’t really afford it” and then the poverty Olympics start.

“I know exactly what you mean! We only went to Mexico once last year.” Or “I know, we cut back on holidays abroad so we could pay off our second house’s mortgage.”

These are people who not only make more than me, they own second homes that they rent out, have huge retirement savings, inherited a bundle. Often have no mortgages and two adult incomes (I have one income and occasional child support from exh).

I feel I’m short of money but also would not bang on at those less fortunate than me about how hard done by I am. Pick your audience people! (Am bracing for people o come on and tell me how tough they have I with their enormous piles of money). I find it insensitive.

It’s stealth boasting, of course!

Here is why they do it: because they are insecure and it makes them feel better.

Maybe a stealth boast, or maybe to them it is noticeable, it's reducing their lifestyle as they see it, and it must bother them.

It depends what their circumstances are and how it's done

Eg. My maternity pay will mean we have to tighten up on spending whilst I'm off, but it wouldn't be pleading poverty to turn down a few weekends away with friends becaue things are a bit tight. Some earn more than me, some earn less but have lower outgoings from what they've shared. I'd be a bit pissed off if me saying "not this time things are tighter whilst i'm on maternity leave" meant someone went away saying "yeah but Lola owns her house and earns more than me so she really shouldn't go on about not having money".

Unless they're waxing lyrical about how hard up they are and can't scrape by (in which case I sympathise), then I'd struggle to be annoyed at someone giving the honest answer that they're not going away for Christmas because they can't afford it.

Perhaps they don’t feel wealthy, and have limited insight into others’ situations and tact. Sad for them. Annoying for you!

It could be stealth boasting, but similarly you know really know the full extent of other people’s finances - some people are throwing chunks of cash at debt repayments, or saving intensively for something. But also the examples in your post are frustrating but don’t really suggest they believe they are poor as such or worse off than others?

Oh I did this the other day. Started a conversation about how expensive it is to have meals out, others joined in. Then they asked about Christmas plans and I had to say we are going on a very nice trip away. I don't think it's pleading poverty though, we do have to think about what we spend, as do most people. It's just conversation, not competition. I've been worse off, and better off.

If they are co-workers how do you know the full depth of their situation and that they are on 3x your salary? Come to think if it, I don’t even know what my siblings earn but I suppose I could make an educated guess since one of them is in the police force and the other is a teacher although I don’t know anything about pay grades and what level they are on. They may have huge debts from the past.

Just don’t join in conversations that involve money. If they ask why you are not going away for Christmas (and that really is an odd question to ask co-workers - I can get asking if you have any plans for Christmas, going away, etc boy not WHY someone has made the decision that they have), just say you prefer of that way. It’s none of their business. TBH you are making a rod for your own back by being the one who introduced finances into a conversation with co-workers/friends that wasn’t even about finances. Why would you do that with people you don’t share a home with? That’s the only people I discuss finances with as those are the only people who need to know.

That's a very fair point britwife.
Most people don't discuss finances beyond superficial with friends and certainly not with coworkers.

Well, people ask so I give an honest answer. I’m not blunt by any means, but I don’t find it shameful that I don’t have money for holidays so don’t see why I should obfuscate?

I know exactly what coworkers make as we’re at a union site and anyone over x amount has their salaries published. I am not one of those, obviously, but they know exactly what I make as I make exactly the same as everyone else in my union (3 different unions onsite).

They do plead poverty. Friends, family and coworkers will say “I know exactly what you mean!! We are really short as well”, but then they drive a posh car, take posh holidays, own a posh house etc. So even if they have debt it may be self-inflicted. I struggle to sympathize w the debt problems of people on 3x or more my income.

Friends, family and coworkers will say “I know exactly what you mean!! We are really short as well”, but then they drive a posh car, take posh holidays, own a posh house etc. So even if they have debt it may be self-inflicted. I struggle to sympathize w the debt problems of people on 3x or more my income.
There's two separate things there:

1. They are short on money (for whatever reason)
2. You've decided that because of what you see of their situation you can't sympathise with them (even though nobody is asking you to)

Again, we have to tighten up on things whilst I'm on maternity leave.
If I turn down a weekend away because things are too tight then I would be SERIOUSLY pissed off if anyone decided to go ranting away about the fact we chose to buy a house and therefore I'm pleading poverty, they can't sympathise with me etc. I'm not seeking sympathy. I'm staying fact. It would be absolutely none of their business to start deciding what was/wasn't posh in their eyes (because posh is always relative and if you're anything like one of my relatives then everyone else is posh) and whether it meets the criteria to justify giving a truthful and polite decline.

I don't doubt some of them may be insufferably braggy, but I'm inclined to think that if you're having this sort of response to conversations with lots of people then maybe you're viewing even the most mundane responses through the chip on your shoulder.

Oh but maybe they live in LONDON and none of us plebs from the provinces could possibly understand how one’s six figure salary barely keeps the wolf from the door.

I disagree, I think they are looking for sympathy. I think being around people who are genuinely struggling (by which I mean can’t quite pay their power, wifi, heat) makes people uncomfortable and they want to give the impression it’s just the exact same for them. So that they don’t have to feel uncomfortable.

And @LolaSmiles obviously I don’t expect anyone to sell their home. But if someone has paid off their mortgage, is not on maternity leave, and owns a second home - in addition to making 3x my salary, well, it’s not the bloody same as my situation. It’s just not. I am take zero holidays btw, that’s not feasible for my income.

So the "someone" you mention is one person. I'm also quite surprised that you know enough about the financial situation of your friends, family and coworkers to be able to justify to argue everyone is seeking sympathy when they're rolling in it (for reference, the only people who know the details of my finances are me and DH).

Comparison is the thief of joy and I honestly don't believe any good comes from mentally totting up what you perceive other people's finances and assets to be and comparing.

I suspect they are trying to show empathy to uou op. I'm not sure what they are supposed to say " that's unfortunate, I'm loaded"?

Tell them that you are so fed up with travelling over the years and watching the other passengers dressing poorly that you've decided to throw away your passport as you have had enough of flying and travelling and that too many 5 star hotels are becoming boring. Depending on your age it acts wonderfully to shut them up.

It sounds like you are feeling inferior to be honest.

I don't get conversations like this really. If someone asked me if I was going away for Christmas I would just say no, there's no reason at all to justify that decision, or any other decision.

If people that you perceive as wealthy are moaning about being poor thats either because they are trying to play down their wealth in order to empathise with you (regardless of whether that works or not), or that they really do feel poor for whatever reasons of their own, or they just have no idea of how lucky they are. Either way it's nothing to do with you and your life so why get irritated by it?

There's always going to be someone richer than you, or poorer than you and there are always going to be people who are unhappy with their lot regardless of what they do or don't have. Be happy and confident with your own life.

If this is a conversation at work, I’d take it as rather superficial chitchat. Which means that I’d have thought that they are slightly uncomfortable and therefore are trying to be kind, say something relatable. I have a friend like this. Her and her dh are considerably wealthier than us and often when I’ve had to decline things for financial reason she will say things like “good call, I really need to cut back too this month” or “let’s just leave it, it’s out of my budget anyway”. She doesn’t mean it, she is lying but I think she is just trying to make me feel less uncomfortable about being skint.

Fwiw, I’m not in the UK & where I live is very conscious of people’s status via their income (rather than inherited class), and so people talk a lot about their incomes and holidays etc. And in the case of my friends I know what they’ve inherited as I’ve known most of them since we were kids and know what cars they drive and when and where they go on holidays. Perhaps people are more secretive about all this in Britain.

@Ritascornershop I find this frustrating too. My husband and I love our jobs but do not earn much between us. He earns more than me but still not a lot, no chance of buying a house where we live.

I was at church today where an older man who often awkwardly comes and asks how I am came and asked what I'm doing at the moment (I'm pregnant so people assume I'm not working when I plan to go straight up to due date) so I told him and asked him back and he said that he's been retired for 2 years but his work have asked him back for 2 hours a week. He said they pay him well so it's alright and then for some reason went on to tell me that he'll be getting £1000 a week which I responded "oh wow well that's good then" and he said something about it not being very much really with all the work you have to to. I work my bum off and don't earn that in a month. I just smiled politely at the time but kind of wish I had said what I was thinking.

It really annoyed me! Some people doesn't realise what they have. So I can sympathise with you.

Thanks @lovesT, this is it exactly. The downplaying of comfort and claiming to be in the same leaky boat, when clearly you’re not. They may be trying to be sympathetic (?), but I end up feeling like their feelings of discomfort are more important to protect than my actual discomfort.

My PIL are like this. They've just got back from their 6th holiday this year. Two of their holidays were long-haul, one was an Orient Express type of holiday. They live in a £1M house and have various investments which afford them a very comfortable lifestyle. In spite of this, they are constantly complaining about money.

Meanwhile me and DH are on our knees financially. Things are so bad that we couldn't pay the rent on our shitty house this month. This is in spite of us both working full-time in stressful jobs, no holidays, no clothes, nothing. We struggle so much that DH recently considered suicide.

It makes me sick, actually.

I still remember a boss from years ago telling me that her and her husband were going to their “favourite island” for Christmas. Yes, they’d been to so many islands so often (think Bali, Samoa, Vanuatu, Fiji, etc) that they actually had a favourite. She would have known with three young children and working part time at the time that I had no hope of having a holiday in the neighbouring town, let alone an exotic island. Money does not buy class or manners.

Some people are very in the moment. They genuinely think that having no money because they've spent it all (on holidays, meals out etc) is the same as always having no money. So at a certain moment in time they see themselves 'poor' or having no money because at the moment in time they don't.

Reasons for lack of funds are equal in their eyes. They are not sympathetic in understanding how demoralising it is to never be able to treat yourself to anything because at no point in time there's money to.

This reminds me of the time my fil announced that he was now a poor pensioner. He said he can only afford to eat out three times a week, all said whilst washing his three cars on his drive?!?! My parents are poor, they can't afford a car and haven't had a holiday in over 30 years! The bills are their priority, especially the heating as they feel the cold more now.