Why do people insist they are suffering financially?

[Ritascornershop]

I’m talking about people on 3x or more my income. Friends, family, coworkers. If they say “are you going away for Christmas?” And I say “No, we’re staying home” then they ask why and I say “oh, I can’t really afford it” and then the poverty Olympics start.

“I know exactly what you mean! We only went to Mexico once last year.” Or “I know, we cut back on holidays abroad so we could pay off our second house’s mortgage.”

These are people who not only make more than me, they own second homes that they rent out, have huge retirement savings, inherited a bundle. Often have no mortgages and two adult incomes (I have one income and occasional child support from exh).

I feel I’m short of money but also would not bang on at those less fortunate than me about how hard done by I am. Pick your audience people! (Am bracing for people o come on and tell me how tough they have I with their enormous piles of money). I find it insensitive.

I have a family member who earns a very good wage . He is what I and I’m sure a lot of other people would consider pretty wealthy (!)
And yet he keeps telling me that he is short of money.
It’s was totally strange to hear until we found out his wife has a bit of a shopping habit - all those handbags, watches, shoes etc I assumed were from asda it whatever turned out to be worth thousands and thousands .

So I suppose he IS technically short of money but only because of very very odd spending choices

its nothing worse than travelling at Xmas - New Year time. Can't see the appeal.

Ritascornershop - make up your mind about whether you are sensitive about things or not. If you are sensitive about not being able to afford to go away at Christmas, then don't mention it. After all, quite frankly, what the hell is wrong with staying at home at Christmas? It's what most people do without feeling remotely hard done by about it. If asked why I was not going away at Christmas, my honest answer would be that I neither want to nor feel the need to. If you are not sensitive about it, then stop expecting people better off than you to be sensitive about it, either. If you are actually trying to point out to them that you are not paid enough to be able to afford to go away at Christmas, you need to be more sledgehammerish about it: say you are not paid enough in your job to afford to go away on holiday. Otherwise they will likely automatically assume you are as rubbish with money as they are... It's not like you can expect them to comprehend what living on your salary is like when they have never actually had to do it.

It’s not about being sensitive or not about travel, it’s about feeling put in a position where I have to agree or disagree with people much better off that they are in the same financial position as me.

It is called poormouthing - love that term - always going on about how hard up they are when often there are others who are really hard up but the latter keep quiet about it!

Elinor, I’d never heard that term, that’s brilliant!

As some others have said, being on a higher salary doesn't necessarily equate to a higher disposable income... they will pay more tax, get no help with benefits, possibly incur costs / debt to get that salary (think childcare, loan fees etc) ... and renting a second property is no indication of disposable income... keep in mind a higher rate tax payer will effectively be paying 40pc tax on revenue for that property and then take our financing costs ... a lot of landlords make a loss ....

Adag, benefits do not come into it where u live (unless you have kids and mine are too old for that now). If landlords are suffering so why would they not sell? That makes no sense. And the rest of us have childcare costs Yes they pay more tax and rightly so, but if you make three times as much as me you do not end up with the same income at the end of the day. This is exactly what I’m talking about, people of different incomes are not in the same financial boat. Some people are on rafts, I’m in a row boat with a small leak, the middle classes are in cabin cruisers.

Some of these people are long-time friends, I see the difference in income quite clearly. For many of them cutting back means only 2 holidays abroad a year not 3, and new quartz countertops instead of marble. I do not have these quandaries. And that’s fine, but I find it insensitive to ask me to agree that we’re experiencing the same financial world.

Autocorrect fail - should have read “benefits do not come into it where I live”.

I think they are trying to relate to you, but it comes across as a stealth boast. I think I complain about how expensive things are too much, which is something I hate others doing because if it's £14 for a sandwich out then don't go out to eat, but then I do this, but I enjoy going out rare occasion.

Oh and it's hard to guess incomes even in known jobs. I have no idea how much my police officer friends earn. My brother is a teacher and earns £60k, he's always "poor" despite having a really low rent of £695 pcm, 4x4 car bought for him by my parents. He earns more than us together, we have Dc and yet my parents say it's harder for him to pay for everything because he's single?! Is all relative isn't it, you base your spending on your income.

What’s tight for someone won’t necessarily be tight for someone else , that’s obvious.
We all have different financial thresholds so it’s not really fair to judge .
Some people may think we are well off but to others we are probably nowhere near

Ritascornershop - has it not occurred to you that people spend more time looking with interest at the salaries of those above them than they do looking at the salaries of those below them? What makes you think they have the slightest idea of what you earn? And to be fair, they are not entering the poverty Olympics with you, as they would have to start the conversation by complaining they cannot afford something if they wanted to do that, rather than start the conversation talking about something that they can afford to do and are actually doing. What you are really upset about is their blissful ignorance of your income and the reality of the effect this has on your standard of living. Also, in all honesty, not being able to afford a holiday at Christmas is comparable to not being able to afford a holiday at any other time of year - affordability or otherwise of holidays is not exactly a discussion about poverty in the first place, it's a discussion about luxuries, so having failed to divine you could never in a month of Sundays afford a Christmas holiday before they went and asked you the question, I'm afraid they are not going to suddenly work that out as a result of your response.

This was interesting (& in Town and Country of all places). American references and up-market from my friends, but the basic theory holds www.townandcountrymag.com/society/money-and-power/a10295555/poor-mouth/

It's unfortunate that so many of your friends are so much better off, and insensitive with it.
Most of my friends are very roughly similar to me in terms of income and values so we don't have the competitive poverty thing.

You can't afford a holiday, neither can they - so what's the issue? They have a valid point, and are as entitled as you to wish they could afford more.

Unless they have a trust fund and haven't done a days work in their life, they have to work for their salary. No need to be so jealous, you know nothing of their situation.

A lot of posters on MN consider anyone earning more than they do to be rich and not allowed to complain or struggle financially, but seriously

@andpancakesforbreakfast I don’t recall saying colleagues, friends and family don’t take holidays, I said some of them say they are cutting back on holidays, that’s vastly different. I can’t get out of town, they are “only” going to Mexico and Italy, & leaving out Hawaii for this year kind of thing.

Yes, they work but most of them have also inherited hundreds and thousands (except my siblings and I - long story but our mum died penniless).

For the umpteenth time, with friends and family I do know their circumstance actually. And I work as well, have an education, but am the only single parent I know and this (& a chronic health problem) has impacted hugely on my ability to retrain etc.

I’m not saying they can’t complain, I’m saying they should pick their audience. I struggle to sympathize w people who can pay their bills without a second’s though, who can replace broken appliances easily, who can go on holidays and give their kids fun presents instead of clothes for Christmas.

Whoops, inherited hundreds of thousands.

They didn’t ask you about money though. They just asked if you were going on holiday. YOU brought money into it by saying you can’t afford it. You could have just said no, we’re staying at home. But you brought up the subject of poverty so people felt obliged to attempt to sympathise on whatever level they could.

I’m not saying they can’t complain, I’m saying they should pick their audience
They didn’t bring up the subject of money though. You did?

A lot of posters on MN consider anyone earning more than they do to be rich and not allowed to complain or struggle financially, but seriously
It's so true.
We earn probably in the middle of our friendship group and I couldn't imagine being so obsessed with comparing our lives and money with others the way some do on MN.
They didn’t bring up the subject of money though.
Always the way for chronic complainers. Be it money, weight, health etc. They almost alway are the ones to bring up the subject of whatever they feel hard done to by and then delight in being upset or angry or irritated by anyone else's response.

For the hard of reading, on page one, right at the top, I said that I say I’m staying home and they ask why. I’ve learned on this thread that it’s common to lie about it, but my first response is always to be honest (unless it’s hurtful to someone). I’m not dragging money into the conversation, they asked why.

and their own friends or relatives might go on a luxury cruise for Christmas, which they can't afford, so their reply is perfectly valid.

They are not asking you to feel sorry for them, they are just telling you that they are in the same position.

If they inherited "hundred of thousands" , they are perfectly able to feel short-changed if they can't afford the holidays they want.

What do you want them to say? "oh poor you, it must suck being in your position"? or better:
"oh I couldn't spend Christmas at home, it must be terrible to be so poor".

seriously?

rita
Don't worry about it. Some people are miserable or childish, some will grow up, and otherswill be miserable and bitchy in the workplace for years to come.

The first rule of dealing with people like that is that you simply can't win. It's them.

Right now it's you living at home during a grad scheme. In due course it could be something else. Later it will be something else again.

e.g. one of my colleagues has made digs about my "easy life" since having a difficult pregnancy which required reasonable adjustments that have ZERO difference to their situation or workload. Despite this they love an opportunity to comment on how I wouldn't understand how busy/tired they are because I no longer do an outdoor break duty in the frost whilst close to giving birth.
At another workplace a couple of moaning minnies complained about how much they wanted a break and would love a part time week... When a colleague was coming back on a phased return from extended bereavement leave! Work supporting a colleague through a tough time had ZERO effect on them, but they loved an excuse to get their nose out of joint.

They exist in all workplaces and you've just got to almost toughen up, be polite and keep them at arms length.