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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people insist they are suffering financially?

98 replies

Ritascornershop · 01/12/2019 17:09

I’m talking about people on 3x or more my income. Friends, family, coworkers. If they say “are you going away for Christmas?” And I say “No, we’re staying home” then they ask why and I say “oh, I can’t really afford it” and then the poverty Olympics start.

“I know exactly what you mean! We only went to Mexico once last year.” Or “I know, we cut back on holidays abroad so we could pay off our second house’s mortgage.”

These are people who not only make more than me, they own second homes that they rent out, have huge retirement savings, inherited a bundle. Often have no mortgages and two adult incomes (I have one income and occasional child support from exh).

I feel I’m short of money but also would not bang on at those less fortunate than me about how hard done by I am. Pick your audience people! (Am bracing for people o come on and tell me how tough they have I with their enormous piles of money). I find it insensitive.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 02/12/2019 09:50

@PurrBox

Yes
This

WalkAwaySugarbear · 02/12/2019 09:56

I think it's better than the opposite, acting like Mr and Mrs moneybags but having negative net worth.
We have to adopt a poor mentality in order to save. So whilst saying we can't afford it, whilst in reality we mean we can afford to do it but our money is being used elsewhere.

Greencustard · 02/12/2019 09:58

And I say “No, we’re staying home” then they ask why and I say “oh, I can’t really afford it” and then the poverty Olympics start

You know, I am so glad to her someone say "I can't afford it". I was just saying to DP the other day that this seems to be a thing of the past as if it's shameful to admit it. The younger people in my family are up to their eyes in debt, desperate to keep up with everyone else for all these hen and stag do's abroad, weekends away to celebrate friends birthdays and all the latest gadgets and tech. They say they 'can't' afford to save up for housing deposits but they can more than afford it if they would just say 'I can't afford it' to all these social invitations.

ActualHornist · 02/12/2019 10:13

It pisses me off too. It’s like, you can be honest and say you can’t afford it because you’re prioritising other things rather than just saying you are skint.

I have a friend like this, four holidays a year, brand new car, lives in a brand new council flat (moved in with her boyfriend, owns and lets her own property) but she’s broke. All the time. What she means is, she’s spending her money on stuff and experiences she wants and hates having to pay tax/insurances etc. Which I totally get, but it’s so irritating the way she phrases things!

bananacakerox · 02/12/2019 10:22

I'ld not engage in any chit chat type conversation regarding personal finances. You need to work on a "need to know" basis and your co-workers do not need to know the reasons behind your Christmas plans.

Verylucky2 · 02/12/2019 10:49

I sympathise with you, and have been on both sides of the fence (ie, struggling as well as more comfortable). I would be annoyed too, in your situation.

Now we are better off (on paper), we try very hard not to flaunt it amongst people we know, and are teaching our children to be grateful for our good luck, and to be considerate of their friends' feelings, as most are not so lucky.

My oh now earns a good amount, which we aren't used to, and so we're really worried about not having enough to pay tax, etc, as his salary varies (self employed). This means we possibly put more than we need away to pay it, just in case, obviously giving us less to live on.

We're also now paying a much larger mortgage than we used to (we had to move, and prices were very high although I know it's still a choice we were lucky to be able to make) and we have another massive debt we have to pay off, so our actual money to live on isn't what it seems to those on the outside.

I do feel a bit guilty that I'm better off than our friends/family, but we have it from the other side too (not saying you do this), and they often make comments about how easy life must be for us, or expect us to pay for stuff.
Most of these people still afford a holiday every year, whereas we've not been able to afford a holiday for years because once our money has paid for the essential bills/debts, etc, there isn't enough left to save for a holiday.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you never really know peoples' true situations, so shouldn't judge, and they probably don't mean it in a nasty way (maybe they're trying to empathize with you, albeit in a clumsy way).

Bluerussian · 02/12/2019 10:57

Maybe they have got used to a lifestyle that includes what we might call 'extravagances' but to them is normal - or have bought a bigger than average house, huge mortgage, etc. We often read in the news about well known celebrity type people who have earned a bomb at times and end up bankrupt.

I don't know. I wouldn't necessarily say it is stealth boasting, well actually I wouldn't have thought that anyway. You can tell 'boasters' a mile off and they tend to boast about everything, not just money - they can't help it!

Quite honestly I believe it is better not to talk too much about personal finances, no one is any better off for knowing such details about others. We do need to always be sensitive too, even if we are really delighted about something, eg buying a new car, paying for a child's wedding, going on a cruise, it's best to keep talk of it to a minimum except with personal friends and relatives in the same position as ourselves.

Drabarni · 02/12/2019 11:01

Don't say I can't afford it, then they won't start.
Justifying spending money and affording it are two totally different things.
I'm poor, I could afford lot's of holidays if I had them on credit.
But no way would I justify getting in debt.

Bluerussian · 02/12/2019 11:06

PS: Personal info about me :-).

I am just short of seventy, widowed and have one child in his 41st year.

Husband and I were extremely hard up for quite a long time when we were still fairly young. Some of the reason for that was our own mismanagement, making unwise decisions etc, but it was still hard. I think everyone knew, our parents helped us a bit at times and we both worked. It was a bad scene.

However we eventually came through it and were much better off. It was wonderful not to have to worry about money any more and we could afford to buy what we wanted within reason and be generous.

What we never did was flaunt it, it was private. We were sensitive to others who were hard up and if we were generous to anyone apart from our son (even with him actually), we were discreet about it. My motto is never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing; helping others should be unconditional and never even mentioned. I'm pretty sure no one has ever felt jealous of us because of money.

FishCanFly · 02/12/2019 11:08

I know people exactly like that, and some are close family.
I'd say there are two kinds - those who are shit with money (splashed out on Xmas shopping but forgot to pay bills, internet's been cut off - woe to those brand new ipads), and those who just enjoy moaning (just been on an exotic holiday, but it wasn't a 5 star hotel - so didn't like it at all).

LolaSmiles · 02/12/2019 11:10

burntpinky
Family can be quite bad for it.

We have a relative who positively adores an opportunity to remind a number of us how we've "forgotten our roots... Don't know what it is to be poor... It's alright for you with your posh house and fancy cars".

We did what we needed to get nice house in an affordable area and a 3 year old car to replace the last second hand car that we ran until it was written off with garage costs. Admittedly, it's because we don't share our finances and aren't about to start to appease theur need to be judge and jury on financial matters.

We arent rich, but we are comfortable and happy. If we haven't the money for certain things then we haven't got it and it's as simple as that. I find people who get overinvested in other people's finances usually tend to be quite bitter.

MotherWol · 02/12/2019 11:23

I think people also don't always think in terms of the money they spend on their mortgage, into their savings and pension is actually an asset. It's not like your gas bill or food spend, because you'll get it back in the future; subsistence living is when all your income goes on consumables, but this is just deferring your benefits.

maddening · 02/12/2019 11:27

Stop pressing them to justify why they are not going on holiday?

You:are you going away for Christmas
Them:not this year, staying at home
You:how lovely, Christmas at home is so enjoyable

maddening · 02/12/2019 11:30

Sorry misread, however also no need to start talking about money, if they ask why just say that you prefer it at home. Why. Bring money in to it in the first place. It is then normal to try and empathise which can obviously be awkward where money is involved so stop driving your own personal financial circumstances into the conversation.

Laughterisbest · 02/12/2019 11:39

It's odd to say you can't afford it. Why not just say you prefer to spend Christmas at home?

SunniDay · 02/12/2019 11:57

Hi, we must move in different circles but if anyone I knew asked if I was going away for Xmas I would say "yes to my mums" (different city) or "no having family over" etc - it wouldn't occur to me that they meant on holiday. I don't know anyone that goes on holiday at Christmas. Being skint must be harder if you move in circles where that is normal - it's not for me or the people I know. If you can get your kids what they want for Xmas (within reason) and have a warm home/food/family to enjoy then you are very lucky. Holidays at Xmas not required and thinking that you are poor for not going "away" at Xmas is daft.

ssd · 02/12/2019 12:13

Totally get it op. Also love the term poverty Olympics 🤪🤪🤣🤣

LolaSmiles · 02/12/2019 12:18

Sunni
Whereas the question in my area tends to be "are you doing anything nice for Christmas?" Or "what are you doing for Christmas?"

I've never heard of going away for Christmas.

Ritascornershop · 02/12/2019 12:52

@SunniDay my worksite has 3 different payscales, my group at the bottom, then a big gap to the next group, then the few bosses at the top. The bunch financially above us, and a lot of people I know in their income bracket, go away for Christmas. Not to see family, to lie on a hot beach. Of course no-one in my job is going away on a foreign holiday for Christmas.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 02/12/2019 13:18

There's a reason money is such a source of contention and that's because everyone thinks everyone else has it easier. You don't see people's bills, they.might have to pay for health bills monthly, they mi ghht have huge debt, perhaps self inflicted, perhaps not. We can't talk about money to in laws because we're rich according to them. They're on social welfare, dh earns 50k euro a year. We went into serious debt when I gave up work years ago because we were pauing to rent but jad no one living in thr apartment we owned for a year but got out of it. When we told mil we had no money for petrol to get the kids to school she didn't believe us and said she'd be sailing on the amt of money we had. I also got told by lo asds of people they'd love to be able to afford to be a sahm. People see what they want to see

blue25 · 02/12/2019 13:28

It was you that brought finances into the conversation though. Why tell people you can’t afford to go away. It’s strange. Were you looking for sympathy?

Ritascornershop · 02/12/2019 14:25

I don’t see why I should lie about it (so that other people don’t have to feel uncomfortable). It’s just a fact of my life, I’m not ashamed of it. I work hard. I will grant that lieing about it seems to be a popular opinion here though so I’m considering it.

If someone asks me point blank why I can’t do something and I say I can’t afford it I expect them to say “ah, I see”. They don’t have to then ask me to indulge in a fantasy where they are also skint.

And in the case of my friends I do have an idea of their outgoing as they discuss it/I see them going abroad on holidays/splashing out on renovations/buying art etc. None of them have medical costs (almost unheard of here), are supporting family abroad etc. One has self-inflicted debt from mad spending sprees - I struggle to feel sorry for him.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 02/12/2019 14:35

It's not lying to refrain from bringing money up.

It increasingly sounds like you want to mention money, bring money up in conversation to highlight how hard it is for you, size up endlessly how you fit with other people, and be the judge and jury on everyone's responses so you can moan about it.

Someone saying they've had to cut back or have had a tighter month isn't spinning a fantasy about being skint.

If you're that bothered about money chat then stop chatting money with anyone and everyone.

Longfacenow · 02/12/2019 14:36

I agree some people don't think there's a difference between having spent all their money on luxury holidays and new gadgets and having to decline a weekend away with the girls and the people who mean they budget for a takeaway once a month and haven't had a holiday in years.

It's all relative but can be a strange competitive situation, or stealth boast, and some people are ignorant at empathy and trying to be part of the in group of the conversation.

Ritascornershop · 02/12/2019 14:40

@LolaSmiles - okay then.

@Longfacenow - yes, I think that’s a very good point. It’s that they don’t see the difference in what being short looks like and don’t know how stressful it is not to be able to afford anything beyond the basics (& this is worse at Christmas).

OP posts: