Why do people insist they are suffering financially?

[Ritascornershop]

I’m talking about people on 3x or more my income. Friends, family, coworkers. If they say “are you going away for Christmas?” And I say “No, we’re staying home” then they ask why and I say “oh, I can’t really afford it” and then the poverty Olympics start.

“I know exactly what you mean! We only went to Mexico once last year.” Or “I know, we cut back on holidays abroad so we could pay off our second house’s mortgage.”

These are people who not only make more than me, they own second homes that they rent out, have huge retirement savings, inherited a bundle. Often have no mortgages and two adult incomes (I have one income and occasional child support from exh).

I feel I’m short of money but also would not bang on at those less fortunate than me about how hard done by I am. Pick your audience people! (Am bracing for people o come on and tell me how tough they have I with their enormous piles of money). I find it insensitive.

Some people don't think before they open their mouth, and have zero social skills. Pity them, OP, they're an embarrassment quite frankly.

@HermioneMakepeace I am so sorry . Don’t your PIL offer to help?

I had to turn down the company's christmas party invitation due to financial reasons, and there was a colleague who commented that I must be rolling in it and it is a bit scroogey. On the surface yes, I am on a good managerial salary. Behind the scenes, I am paying for someone's cancer treatment now (abroad, so no NHS, so six numbers) and 50% of the care home fees for someone who requires almost 1:1. This year there wasn't room for an extra £50 spend in my budget.
Am I going to explain all this to a person who is just being nosy? No, I smiled and said that I overstretched myself this year with spending.

They might just be trying to show empathy? They could feel embarrassed when you say you can’t afford it. You’re talking about your personal finances and that is an awkward topic. If someone said to me that they couldn’t afford something, I would feel uncomfortable and would probably have to make some sort of small talk agreement. (Honestly not rich here! Come from absolute poverty and just about on my feet now. No car or holidays etc) but I would feel a bit embarrassed to hear about other’s financial issues unless it was something I could help with.

Or maybe I’m completely wrong and they are just out of touch. I do remember years ago as I was working a couple of jobs in order to pay the rent on my council flat, a boyfriend at the time said to me how he was very worried about his parents as they were thinking of selling one of their properties in Italy and only keeping France and London for holiday homes. His father retired at 40. Massively wealthy. His mother had never worked. All the children in private schools and living in luxury. So I felt a bit irritated and may have said a few things.

@HermioneMakepeace I am so sorry to read this. Why on earth are your PIL not helping you both? I can’t understand this attitude. I have a grown up child and I give him every help possible- and he’s perfectly able to manage himself but I want to give all I can. My younger children will be looked after in the same way. I’m a single parent but looking after my children is everything to me. Honestly I’m so sad to read your post. I wish you well. If it’s possible to get your husband to ask for help then do it please.

If they are co-workers how do you know the full depth of their situation and that they are on 3x your salary?

Maybe they work in a company that publishes pay ranges for all roles or the OP noticed the pay range the last time that role was advertised.

It used to make me laugh when people claimed they were short of money but went to Pret for both breakfast and lunch everyday probably spending a good £50 a week there.

Like @SympatheticSwan I'm on a good salary and from the outside I'm sure people think we must have tons of disposable income (no children is sometimes cited as a reason we must be rolling in it) but we lived overseas during our infertility and spent every last penny on IVF with nothing to show for it except a slew of health problems.

We also support a number of family members in another country so have various medical/dental and special educational school fees to pay as there is no NHS/free schooling there. This is generally a 4 figure sum most months so my salary quickly disappears each month. I'm aware that we're fortunate to earn enough to support them but this has also required significant sacrifice on our behalf and many years of working in jobs we hate to be able to do so. Life isn't all rosy just because I earn 'well'.

Given you’re not in the U.K. it probably doesn’t apply to your situation but I do think that in the U.K. a lot of low income earners believe they have the monopoly on financially struggling without having any comprehension of what a larger salary looks like for a family!

I frequently hear ‘well we’d be thrilled with £50k and never complain’ from families who earn £25k between them but get topped up with UC to the tune of £500+ pounds per month and are eligible for all the funding initiatives offered by the gov. They don’t seem to acknowledge at all that the amount they come out with each month is essentially equivalent to a parent earning £50k, once tax, NI, SL, basic pension are deducted...and all the things no longer eligible to be funded by gov are paid for.

I grew up in a family surviving on benefits/one intermittent part time wage in the 90’s/00’s. DH and I now earn a combined £90k per year.
I’m really shocked at how the difference is not as big as I thought it would be. We always thought we’d live like millionaires on that kind of money 😬😂

Nope...but we do get to lose £600 per month to student loan repayments 👍🏻

I knew a woman who complained she had had to cut back which meant going on one cruise a year instead of two lol.

^ Oh and this is all whilst the country proclaims ‘privileged people like you should pay more tax’ - ‘your professions earn too much’ - ‘it’s not fair to lower incomes’ 😬🙄

Nobody cares that I clawed myself up from technical poverty - they’re happy to treat us like entitled toffs who had everything handed to us in life

Lots of people defending the high- earning moaner colleagues here.
I too hate it when people start talking about finances at work and agree with you OP. It's annoying that they have to try and join in with the skint people but also chat on about expensive holidays and other luxuries.
YANBU

balloon
You outline perfectly why nothing good comes of making assumptions about other people's finances.

There's sometimes a danger of people thinking they've got the monopoly on suffering, on finances etc and so can't comprehend that anyone in a different situation might have different challenges.

E.g. I laugh to myself on here when I see threads about people worrying they can't afford children on a 6 figure household income, but if someone seeks advice on finances because they'd made the decision to privately educate their child and now due to a turn in life circumstances they're maybe faced with disrupting their DC's GCSEs due to a possible school move, you'd have to be an arsehole to turn up showing now sympathy because "you clearly have money, why not just sell your house and live in a 1 bedroom flat if it matters so much to you, how awful not being able to pay school fees when some of us will never afford it".

Mamasaurus82
Not so much defending, we are middle earners and don't talk about finances.

I just think that there's nothing good of sizing up other people's financial situations and getting involved in money conversations with every Tom, Dick and Harry, from family to coworkers (especially if the outcome of that conversation is to feel bitter and annoyed at any expression that they've had to spend less).

I think a lot of people live in a bubble and have zero appreciation of how other people live, or that not everyone has their budget. Like the man on question time recently who believed he "wasn't even in the top 50% of earners" on a salary of 80k. There was a poster on here a couple of weeks ago who genuinely did not believe that there are families in the UK living on a household income of less than 30k a year.

These are the same people who tell you they know what it is like to be a single parent because their partner works away sometimes. This is the woman who said she 'knew how I felt' right after my brother died because she had been dumped by her on-again-off-again boyfriend, and it 'felt like a bereavement'.

People who are reminded of their own situation by seeing someone else's troubles are often more self absorbed than empathic...

I have a relative who does this. Received a £50k inheritance (I know because I got the same). Both her and her husband work. One child.
Still constantly complains about being skint. All. The. Time.
Even asks our parents for money. Regularly.
Maybe it’s poor money management. Maybe it’s frivolous spending. Either way I avoid doing anything with her that involves splitting a bill.
Just sick of her bleating on about being skint when I know full well that’s not the case.

@KitKat1985 has it.

I think we are all guilty of it on some level. We are fairly low income compared to many here but I keep perspective by remembering that many families out there are visiting food banks and wondering how on earth they’re going to feed their children over Christmas, let alone give them even one gift.

I think everyone has forgotten the art of being grateful.

We used to dream of living in a corridor.

I think for some people "I can't really afford it" means "I don't want to allocate this money in this way".

I think to myself (and would say if anyone was interested in my opinion, which no one is) that I can't afford to get my hair dyed at the hairdresser (where I live it's 150-200 euros a time).

Technically I could. It wouldn't stop me eating, paying my mortgage, paying childcare etc. But it would be 150-200 euros, 4 times a year less that I would save. And savings for me are key.

you'd have to be an arsehole to turn up showing now sympathy because "you clearly have money, why not just sell your house and live in a 1 bedroom flat if it matters so much to you, how awful not being able to pay school fees when some of us will never afford it".

@LolaSmiles and yet that’s exactly what happens. Anyone who earns more than 25k a year isn’t allowed to have financial problems on MN. Posts like the OP are typical here.

@Balloondog - I think that’s the thing isn’t it, some of our family members look at us and think we’re well off (in fact we are penalised for it but that’s another story!) but what they don’t seem to grasp is that I worked for years in a job I hated (to the detriment of my mental health which then manifested itself physically) which is why we are now comfortable. So I think comparison is pointless as there’s always more to it.

Sorry to hear about your infertility problems by the way - sending hugs x

I think sometimes it’s just people trying to have something in common as a means to communicate. We are far better off than we appear. No one in our circle knows anything about our financial circumstances. We live modestly. Both DH and myself have been called life’s natural eccentrics in the past in a sort of endearing way.

I suppose it also depends on what you like doing. We do go on expensive holidays. But often I will be the woman with a canvas backpack wandering around a battlefield or museum reading all the descriptions. We all as individuals present ourselves every day to society and people will often make assumptions that are often incorrect. DH is a Professor and I’m a retired academic librarian so our income was certainly ok but we made money through investing.

KatherineJaneway our salary scales are easily available but as mentioned most of our money came through investments. I have known people get subbed by their parents or receive an inheritance and more surprisingly to me they happily share this info.

Oh well, Ritascornershop - don't say "I can't afford it," then, say "it's not one of my priorities," instead, or "I like it here at Christmas." Otherwise, what do you expect them to say in response? Would, "oh, that's a shame" or "sorry to hear that" make you feel any better? Why start the poverty Olympics in the first place by telling them you can't afford to go away?

Perhaps a Christmas on universal credit, wearing coats inside because they can’t afford to heat the place they live, walking in the cold dark evenings to food banks and crying themselves to sleep might pull their heads out of the arses.