Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours paying me to help ...

91 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:20

My next door neighbours are in their late 80s, early 90s.

They have absolutely no family, no children, no nieces and nephews.

I pop in and check in on them, we help them sort out technical issues, I do a bit of shopping for them, have visited them in hospital and I am the emergency contact person for their Lifeline, and helped her get her blue badge by helping her with the form and photo copying some stuff at work - I generally try to be a good neighbour.

She comes round for a chat quite a lot as she has absolutely no one else (I think he has been a bit of a wanker to her tbh) and he’s recently gone blind.

Tonight she has asked me to help her fill in her attendance allowance form and she wants me to photocopy it at work (which is fine).

DS does their gardening which she pays him for which is fine.

They have fed our cats in the past when we have gone away.

Thing is, tonight for instance she has given me a tenner which I tried to refuse three times for the photo copying.

Whenever I do anything she tries to give me money and it makes me so uncomfortable.

I have said to her that I am her friend and she doesn’t need to pay me but she insists to the point where I can’t refuse any more (they aren’t hard up but that’s not the point).

She has given me bottles of wine sometimes which is better than taking cash for something which isn’t costing me any money.

Wtf do I do Sad

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 30/11/2019 20:21

Use it to buy their shopping? I think you’re very kind by the way.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:23

Yeah I could do actually, although she overpays me for that.

OP posts:
Stegosaurus1990 · 30/11/2019 20:23

Can you tell her you’ll put it to one side for DS? Or a holiday?

I’m clutching at straws here but I think she feels she’s putting on you and you accepting money puts her at ease.

Well done to you for being so kind and caring, she’s clearly very lucky to have you.

Maykid · 30/11/2019 20:25

I would say just take it. My mum was like this and it made her feel better about accepting help.

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2019 20:26

This is a hard question. But do you need the money? If so then keep it. I not then buy her something she'd like with it. And tell her you'll always do that and to stop giving you money.

Ragwort · 30/11/2019 20:28

They probably feel ‘better’ for paying you, my parents are similar age and fiercely independent but would hate to be seen to be ‘accepting favours’. They much prefer to make it a financial arrangement and they can easily afford to pay for things so I think it is best to accept the money.

I help a neighbour and she clearly wants to ‘give something back’ so she is always giving me random things as a ‘thank you’, which I really don’t want but just accept graciously.

Janaih · 30/11/2019 20:28

Give it to charity? Age concern or similar?

mineallmine · 30/11/2019 20:28

Is there anything you could ask her to do for you? I can understand that she doesn't want to feel this relationship is all one way, to always taking. My dad is always trying to throw money at me for the same reasons, so I ask him to eg visit my dogs during the day while I'm at work, put out my bins, cut up cardboard for the green bin etc. All really helpful to me and makes him feel things are more even.
You sound just lovely, she's lucky to have you as a neighbour.

MuthaFunka61 · 30/11/2019 20:29

I've been in this situation and used the money to buy my neighbour a bunch of flowers or a special smelly something when I noticed it was low.
I was always in a rush to get somewhere when I handed them over mind,funny that.

sleepyhead · 30/11/2019 20:29

Take the money. Maybe it helps her feel more in control of things, now that she needs this extra help, to pay you something.

If you don't need it you can always give it to charity.

feelingsinister · 30/11/2019 20:29

I say take it as long as you don't think she's struggling financially or is giving you far too much. My worry would be that if you don't take the money or the odd gift that they might feel bad asking for help in future.

You're probably saving them a fortune in taxis, delivery charges for shopping etc and it maybe helps them feel better about accepting the help.

JaceLancs · 30/11/2019 20:30

My DM can be like this - sometimes I give extra monies to DC, mostly I give to charity or use the excess to buy extra items for local food bank
I take it because 1 - she can afford it and 2 it makes her feel better that she’s not putting on me

Travellinglass · 30/11/2019 20:32

I think she probably feels like she is putting you out...could you accept sometimes and just say “thanks but honestly do not give me any more” and then the next time she offers say “sure you give me a tenner in November that was plenty” etc until she hopefully stops! You’re very kind to help by the way

GuessWhoColeen · 30/11/2019 20:33

Tell her to ring Age U.K and they will send a volunteer to assist with filling in the attendance allowance form. They do it a lot and are very experienced.

She may lose out on attendance allowance if she doesn't fill it in properly.

I wasn't even allowed to order the A.A form on someones behalf due to GPDR.

I wouldn't photocopy it at work as it contains another persons confidential information.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:33

No - I am lucky enough to not need the money.

I always take her round a Christmas basket of flowers and she is always so excited as she gets nothing.

I have a glittery Christmas lantern thing which cost me £10 which she saw tonight and loved so I might go and get her one and leave it on her kitchen table when she’s not about Grin

OP posts:
EpcotForever · 30/11/2019 20:34

You sound like an amazing person. Too many people don't bother to even speak to neighbors anymore. Star

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:35

@GuessWhoColeen

I work for the LA so I am confident in helping with it.

OP posts:
GuessWhoColeen · 30/11/2019 20:39

I still wouldnt be photocopying somebody elses confidential information in a public place, that not only contains their past medical history, d.o.b, and address but also their bank details.

By getting Age U.K to do it as part of their service, it would help your neighbour to realise there are agencies available specifically out there for her needs.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:43

I don’t think she wants a “service” I think she wants to feel genuinely loved by another human being.

OP posts:
Howaboutnoooo · 30/11/2019 20:44

What does she say when she tries to give you money- is it a “thanks for all your help, treat yourself to some flowers” kind of thing?
It would probably make her feel nice if you occasionally took it and then actually bought yourself some flowers, maybe get 2 bunches of the same and give one to her? She must feel slightly helpless at times, I’d guess she’s just a very grateful person.

RickOShay · 30/11/2019 20:45

I would use it to buy a present for a looked after child, or buy stuff for a food bank.
People like you are what makes the world go round.

BaolFan · 30/11/2019 20:46

There isn't an issue with OP photocopying it - she's not an employee and GDPR doesn't apply to individuals in their private business. She's merely helping out a neighbour.

GDPR would apply if she was being paid by them to be their carer, as that's a professional relationship.

Winterdaysarehere · 30/11/2019 20:46

Maybe keep logs of in /outs incase some nasty awful relative crawls out of the woodwork one day and accuses you of not being so genuine...

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:49

Her husband was in hospital for ages last year and we thought he was going to die.

He has no will.

I helped her do the will and it’s all going to charity, so I don’t think I can be accused of anything.

They are both only children so I don’t think their are any relatives at all.

I bought 50 shades of grey trilogy and hated it and gave it to her and she loved it 😂

OP posts:
LemonGingerCakes · 30/11/2019 20:51

Take it and put it into a separate bank account. It could then be saved and either used for her (or given back) in a time of need, or become savings for the future?

Swipe left for the next trending thread