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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours paying me to help ...

91 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 20:20

My next door neighbours are in their late 80s, early 90s.

They have absolutely no family, no children, no nieces and nephews.

I pop in and check in on them, we help them sort out technical issues, I do a bit of shopping for them, have visited them in hospital and I am the emergency contact person for their Lifeline, and helped her get her blue badge by helping her with the form and photo copying some stuff at work - I generally try to be a good neighbour.

She comes round for a chat quite a lot as she has absolutely no one else (I think he has been a bit of a wanker to her tbh) and he’s recently gone blind.

Tonight she has asked me to help her fill in her attendance allowance form and she wants me to photocopy it at work (which is fine).

DS does their gardening which she pays him for which is fine.

They have fed our cats in the past when we have gone away.

Thing is, tonight for instance she has given me a tenner which I tried to refuse three times for the photo copying.

Whenever I do anything she tries to give me money and it makes me so uncomfortable.

I have said to her that I am her friend and she doesn’t need to pay me but she insists to the point where I can’t refuse any more (they aren’t hard up but that’s not the point).

She has given me bottles of wine sometimes which is better than taking cash for something which isn’t costing me any money.

Wtf do I do

OP posts:

Petrichor11 · 30/11/2019 22:18

I agree that she probably hates the idea that they’re putting you to trouble and she can’t reciprocate, so the money is the reciprocation

If you don’t need it then donate it to charity. I would be wary of using it to buy her gifts too often, as that may make her feel even more like she owes you.

thesandwich · 30/11/2019 22:18

You sound wonderful. Can I suggest you could help her get paid help such as a cleaner from their aa payments? Introducing paid help now before they really need it enabling you to continue as a friend for treats etc?

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 22:22

The house is in an absolute state.

He’s a hoarder and they have a detached 3 bed house with two reception rooms but use one upstairs room as a lounge, the kitchen downstairs and the bedroom upstairs and one bathroom upstairs.

She doesn’t want a cleaner.

We offered to help them get a skip to clear out one of the downstairs rooms but she can’t contemplate it, they can’t move downstairs because there is no loo.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 22:23

We have fitted a decent doorbell but the house is falling down really. The downstairs windows are broken.

OP posts:

MoaningMinniee · 30/11/2019 22:30

Oh crumbs you need to talk to local Age Concern Charity about how to tactfully deal with this.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 22:40

She doesn’t want to be “dealt” with.

I have asked her what she wants and she is adamant she wants to be in her own home making her own decisions.

She has the Lifeline now after a little persuading which I am thrilled avoit.

OP posts:

recycledbottle · 30/11/2019 22:51

I think they prefer to give you money as it makes her feel less of the money. If she says it three times then she really wants you to take the money.

Tooner · 30/11/2019 22:52

It's so lovely that you are helping her out and have a genuine friendship. She will really appreciate everything you do for her. It must be so difficult for the elderly when they have no family to turn to.

She wants to give you the money to show her appreciation so I would tell her you really don't want her money but if she keeps insisting then anything she gives you will go into a savings account for your children.

Lysianthus · 30/11/2019 22:52

@Iamnotagoddess you sound amazing. Just do what feels right, your gut will tell you. And definitely take her to France, I suspect she has many war memories, so that might be a start, but if you actually have the time to spare then a day trip might be an amazing experience for both of you. But whatever you do, know that you are bringing so much joy into their lives.

tillytrotter1 · 30/11/2019 22:59

She obviously needs a bit of help and company and you sound to be giving her both of those things. If you were to refuse her gifts, even cash, she may feel uncomfortable about asking you again for fear of looking too grasping. It's not a matter of whether you need it ir not, she wants to maintain her dignity.

MoaningMinniee · 30/11/2019 23:04

@Iamnotagoddess It's so tricky isn't it!

MatildaTheCat · 30/11/2019 23:07

As someone who sometimes needs help myself ( very different circumstances), I sometimes give gifts to those who help, not cash but small treats. I’d be gutted if these gifts were refused.

Accept very gracefully whilst saying it’s absolutely unnecessary and you are pleased to be her friend. Then tell her you’ve bought some flowers/ a book you wanted or whatever. I absolutely agree you shouldn’t try to interfere with her living circumstances unless she asks for your help but short outings and visits will always be so appreciated.

Thank god for people like you.

Skittlesandbeer · 30/11/2019 23:07

Remember that the money passing between you doesn’t necessarily read as her paying you for a service. If you actually were her relative, or daughter, she’d probably be treating you now and then. Elders tend to do that in families, right? And get pleasure from it? She likely feels sorry she hasn’t the ability to help you with your life in return (due to age and energy) so the money represents that?

I’d look at the money as one more way you are helping her. By taking it graciously. As her being kind, and a bit not used to the conventions people with bigger families tend to follow.

She’s likely had a whole lifetime of worrying about how she was going to get along in old age, due to not having family (or a supportive partner). She sounds very grateful to have found you, and is expressing that in the only way she knows how.

I’d prolly make a bit of a fuss and say ‘oooo lovely, DD was just saying she’d fancy a proper cupcake from that new shop! Shall we bring back one for you too?’. The elders I’ve looked after generally love feeling part of a younger person’s life. It adds such a positive interaction to their day, and they really cherish knowing that someone’s out in the world doing something nice because of them. Next best thing to getting out yourself!

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 23:12

Thank you.

You have helped me see it differently

OP posts:

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 30/11/2019 23:15

How sweet of you OP.
God bless you

ChristmasConcert · 30/11/2019 23:18

I agree with Skittles and other PPs - please take it and let her keep some dignity. And yes - involve her in your family life sometimes, as you did with DDs prom.

MIL is 92. She is my DCs grandma. She bakes cakes and makes chutney for us, and brings home-made apple pies for sunday lunch. Sometimes we go out for meals and we have to argue hard for her not to want to pay every time. I take her shopping once a week or fortnight, and she always tries to buy me a bunch of flowers, or give me money "for the petrol"! (even though I'm shopping too...). I don't take the money but do accept flowers - as PPs have said I think they hate to feel they are beholden, or being a nuisance - and just want to even things up. MIL does lots for us anyway, I just think that generation were somewhat less entitled than some of us these days...….

You sound lovely, and she must be so happy to have you living next door!

Lou898 · 30/11/2019 23:18

I live in the next city to my mum and work full time. She has needed someone to help her do just the type of things you are doing. She has been willing to pay for this service and I’m sure she’d feel a little uncomfortable about asking someone to do things if she wasn’t paying. She always wants to pay neighbours too so she doesn’t feel she’s taking advantage and would possibly be offended if they refused. So while you’re not doing it for financial gain she probably feels happier giving you something for your trouble. Accept it graciously is my advice. If she’s applying for attendance allowance this allows her extra to do just this type of thing...pay for a gardener, handyman, befriender etc.

EustaciaPieface · 30/11/2019 23:29

My parents are like this - I live far away From her and am gobsmacked by the kindness of people like you. Take the money - I’d say it’s unlikely that she would offer if money was an issue. My own mother always tries to give ME money if I do her shopping etc, she’s impossible! But the loveliest mum.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 30/11/2019 23:31

I talked to her today about getting a cleaner (me getting one) she thinks it’s absolutely absurd 😂

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 30/11/2019 23:37

Keep the money but use it to take her for afternoon tea, cinema trips etc. It's easily passed off as 'I got a free voucher for this, would you like to come?' You're doing good work.

ShippingNews · 30/11/2019 23:41

I'd take it and give it to charity. My Mum used to do this - she had lovely helpful neighbours too. She always felt bad about accepting their help so she'd give them a fiver . That way nobody felt put upon. The neighbour told me he didn't need the money, and that he'd save it up all year and then donate it to a food bank. So everyone won.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 01/12/2019 07:57

I'd put it in a "replace their broken windows" fund.
If he's a hoarder, somone somewhere is going to have to pay a fair old whack for professional help to sort out the house sometime if their circumstances change.
She most probably doesn't want to get outside agencies involved as they might "make" her do things to the house that she doesn't want.
However a hoarders house sounds like a dangerous place to live in if you are blind

AliciaFleas · 01/12/2019 08:11

However a hoarders house sounds like a dangerous place to live in if you are blind

It sounds as though the lady might be a falls risk as well, if she needs the lifeline?

MyFavouriteTimeOfYear · 01/12/2019 08:51

I go through this daily with my partners grandfather..he constantly tries to give me money. My MIL told me to just take it as it makes him feel better about himself. I can understand that as an old man it makes him feel less like I'm caring for him and have a bit of control in his life.

So now I just take it. But what he doesn't know is I have his bank details and just transfer the money back into his account

I think you should explain every time that you do it because you care, and to make them feel a bit better say something like 'it works both ways, I will help you with things and I hope you will help advise me on certain things I may need help with'

Just to make them feel a bit more needed and less out of control.

thenyoushallbegintoclimb · 01/12/2019 09:09

Someone once told me that it's as generous to accept a gift with magnanimity as it is to give. Quite a lot can go on with gift giving ( you just need to see the many post on here leading up to Christmas) and I think Freud even wrote lots on this subject.
When elderly relatives used to try to give up a few quid as children for spending money DDad would make us return it. He happens to be a really generous man when it comes to giving but not accepting.
It sounds as if to not accept would be ungenerous

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